#yanjun angst

All Yanjun could do was scroll through your phone, which he luckily was able to have, and scrolled through your old conservations with him. All he could do was to scroll and cry himself to sleep. He just missed you. It was nearing the day of your funeral and Yanjun cried more than ever. However, he took the time to finally clean himself up and take care of his needs. He wanted to be a better version of himself for your funeral. He wanted you to know that he was doing fine, even if he really wasn’t. For the first time in weeks, he stepped out of the house. He had rung up a few of his friends, thanking them for taking care of him despite mourning over you as well. He was more than grateful when Ansheng had offered to help him clean up. She told him she would be over soon so he took a quick shower, which was rare for him, and he cleaned up all his tissues. A knock was heard and Yanjun hesitantly shuffles towards the door. He squinted his eyes at the brightness of the outdoors when he opened the door. Finally adjusting to the light, he looks down to see Ansheng, offering a supportive smile. “H-hey...come in. Sorry, it’s messy,” Yanjun sighs, welcoming her in, kicking away a few stray tissues he had missed earlier. “My goodness. Let’s start with opening all your blinds and windows,” Ansheng shakes her head, marching towards the window. Soon enough, all the curtains were pushed aside and the windows were wide open, letting in the fresh summer breeze. Yanjun was already beginning to feel better. Finally, for the first time since your death, Yanjun smiles. It wasn’t one of those fake smiles he gave his friends when they dropped food off for him, it was a genuine smile. “Look, I know you’re still mourning and all and you have every right to, but think about it this way. Y/n wouldn’t want you to be like this. I know it. Even if I only met her that one time, I know she wouldn’t want you to stay like this,” Ansheng reasons. “You’re right,” Yanjun quietly nods. “Alright, go get dressed because I’m taking you out,” Ansheng smiles, patting him on the back. --- “Eat up. You need to eat,” Ansheng encourages. “I know...this burger just reminds me of all the midnight snack runs I had with y/n,” Yanjun sadly stares at his cooling burger. “Think about it this way. Y/n wants you to cherish all the good times you had with her. She wouldn’t want you to make it all sad and gloomy,” Ansheng takes a sip of her drink. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” Yanjun groans, lowering his head. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Eat up because we’re going to get you a nice suit for the funeral,” Ansheng smiles kindly, causing a small blush to rise on Yanjun’s sunken cheeks. After eating, as Ansheng promised, she took Yanjun to get a new suit. Although it was a quick trip since Yanjun was literally about to cry as soon as he chose the suit, he really had to admit that getting out of his house made him feel a lot happier. With the positive coaching of Ansheng, he learned to keep the happy memories happy rather than twisting them and making them darker than they really are. “Hey, thank you so much for today. Thank you for taking care of me,” Yanjun smiles at the younger girl, bowing deeply as a thank you. “No problem. I’m always here for you, you know?” Ansheng chuckles. “Seriously though. I don’t think I would have gotten out of this hell hole if it weren’t for you,” Yanjun comedically points to his house. The dark night and sparkling stars filled the sky. The cool summer breeze blew gently around the two. Now that Yanjun had gone out, he really didn’t want to go back into his house. However, Ansheng needed to go home and they both needed to sleep after a long day. “I’ll come by tomorrow, yeah? We can revamp your house. Get rid of some old things,” the shorter girl shyly brushes a strand of her hair behind her ear. “That would be nice,” Yanjun nods, twisting the doorknob, opening the door, “Goodnight. Get home safely.” “Thanks. See you tomorrow,” Ansheng happily waves, making her way back to her car. When Yanjun sees that she has driven away, he closes the door and flips on the light switch. He had to admit that he had a good day today, especially since his crush came by and dragged him out. “Y/n, I hope I didn’t disappoint you,” he whispers to himself, glancing over at a picture frame of the two of you from a couple summers ago. Despite that picture being only a couple years old, the two of you looked a lot younger. The picture was taken at the same beach he had taken you the day you passed. Both him and you were clad in your swimsuits and you were on his back. You were on his back, holding up a peace sign, smiling so brightly. Your legs were wrapped around his torso and he supported you with one arm, his other was holding a peace sign, matching yours. Looking at the photo always made him cry, but tonight, it made him smile. He was grateful for the time he had with you. Despite knowing that he was the one that pretty much killed you, he also knew that you would never want him to blame himself. “See you soon,” he sadly whispered to the photo before cleaning up and heading to bed. --- A loud knock woke Yanjun from his deep slumber. Groaning quietly, he tosses his blankets off and trudging towards the door. Opening it, he suddenly felt a little embarrassed. He was way underdressed, hair a mess, and there was probably drool on his face. “Looks like you just woke up, huh,” Ansheng’s cute giggle made Yanjun blush. “Yeah, your knocking woke me up,” he huffs, hiding his pink face behind his hands. “I’m sorry,” she chuckles, letting herself in. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting you this early. Let me go get cleaned up,” he closes the door behind her. “Yanjun, it’s almost afternoon,” Ansheng laughs, pointing at the clock. Yanjun’s eyebrows shot up and he whipped around to look at the clock. She was right, it was almost the afternoon. He was sleeping so soundly. It was the best sleep he has had in weeks. Shyly, he laughs along before heading to the bathroom to clean up. “Do you want to go out for lunch?” Ansheng asks when Yanjun steps out the bathroom. “Sure,” Yanjun shrugs, picking up the jacket that he found laying on the couch. “We can buy some new things for your house on the way back...Yanjun?” Ansheng pauses when she notices Yanjun had frozen in place. Yanjun hadn’t even realized that he had one of your jackets in your house. He picked it up, thinking it was his, but it wasn’t. He bit his lip, not wanting to cry. He desperately tried to blink the tears away, but now he couldn’t get your face out of his head. A gentle touch brought him back from his thoughts. “We should probably get her things out of your house,” Ansheng’s quiet voice soothes him. “Sorry,” he sniffs, dropping the jacket back down onto the couch. Ansheng simply slides her small hands into his bigger one, giving it a comforting squeeze. Hand in hand, they exit Yanjun’s dark house and into Ansheng’s car. Yanjun leans against the window as they drove in comfortable silence, quiet music playing in the background. Closing his eyes, Yanjun thought back to the last day he spent with you. He was the one driving while you sat next to him, music playing softly in the background. Taking a deep breath, Yanjun opened his eyes again. The car stops and he notices that they’ve arrived at his favorite cafe...well it was your favorite so he decided that it would be his favorite as well. “This was y/n’s favorite cafe…”Yanjun sadly stares at the strangers piling in and out. “Oh, I’m sorry, you told me it was your favorite so I thought it would cheer you up a little. I didn’t know. Do you want to go somewhere else?” Ansheng apologizes, starting the car again. “No, it’s okay. It was my favorite too,” Yanjun smiles weakly, shaking his head. Ansheng nods, giving his shoulder a light squeeze. The two of them exited the car and entered the cafe. It was just as warm and cozy as Yanjun remembered, but it felt empty without you next to him. One of the baristas recognized him and waved at Yanjun. He shyly waves back and leads Ansheng to the front. The barista seemed to look confused when he sees that you weren’t there with him. “Hey, I haven’t seen you and y/n in a while. How’re you doing?” Zhengting, the barista, asks innocently. Yanjun chuckles sadly, “Y/n passed away a few weeks ago. That’s why we haven’t been here in a while.” “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Zhengting looks down sadly, “I didn’t know.” “It’s fine,” Yanjun offers a smile, “Can I get my regular?” “Of course, and for the lady?” Zhengting looks up again, smiling. Ansheng hesitates a little and Yanjun orders for her instead, “Get her y/n’s regular.” “Gotcha. It’ll be on the house. Please tell y/n I said goodbye,” Zhengting pats Yanjun on the shoulder before typing in their order. “Thank you,” Yanjun smiles before leading Ansheng to yours and his corner of the cafe. “You guys are pretty close, huh? That Zhengting guy seems nice,” Ansheng offers a cute smile. “Yeah. Y/n and I come here pretty often. Everything is so good here so I really hope you like it,” Yanjun hopefully looks at the girl in front of him. He couldn’t help but see a glimpse of you in Ansheng’s face and he quickly shakes it off, boldly reaching for her hand. Ansheng notices and takes his hand in hers, rubbing her thumbs comfortingly over the back of his hands. The food and drinks came quickly and Yanjun and Ansheng chatted away happily. Before they knew it, both of them had finished their food. Deciding it was time to head back, they waved goodbye to Zhengting and left the cafe. “Did you like it?” Yanjun asks excitedly. “Yeah, it was really good. Although y/n and I seem to have different tastes in drinks,” Ansheng chuckles. “Oh, yeah. Y/n really likes sweet things. I forgot you don’t have much of a sweet tooth,” Yanjun sheepishly laughs. “It’s okay. I enjoyed it nonetheless,” Ansheng shakes her head, opening the car door. The two of them made short stops to a couple stores, purchasing some new home decor before finally heading back to Yanjun’s house. --- “Alright, before we start decorating, we should probably get rid of the old stuff,” Ansheng suggests. “I agree,” Yanjun nods, setting the bags down. “Do you have any boxes? We can donate some things too,” Ansheng looks around the house. “I think I have a couple from when I first moved in still. Y/n and I wanted to make a fort at some point,” Yanjun makes his way to find the boxes, “I guess that didn’t happen.” There was a moment of silence. Yanjun came back with the box and unfolds them, placing them in the middle of the living room. Ansheng takes a deep breath before making a bold decision. “I think you should throw away anything you have that belongs to y/n,” she boldly states. “What?” Yanjun looks up shocked. “This way you won’t have a constant reminder,” Ansheng picks up your jacket from this morning, carefully folding it and placing it in one of the boxes. Yanjun watches as Ansheng reaches for a nearby marker and writing your name in bold font on the box before hesitantly replying, “Y-you’re right.” “Let’s get started?” Ansheng smiles, putting the marker back. Yanjun nods and decides to start in his bedroom as Ansheng continues cleaning his living room. Throughout the cleaning, Yanjun finally realizes just how many of your things are at his place. It saddens him that Ansheng had suggested that he threw it all away, but he knew she was just trying to help him. Finally finishing his bedroom, he carries all of your clothes that you had left here by accident and dumps it into the box with your jacket. “Hey, that was pretty quick,” Ansheng walks out of the kitchen with one of your mugs. “Oh, that’s actually my cup. Y/n gave it to me,” Yanjun points at the mug in her hands. “Sorry, I’ll put it back,” Ansheng quickly places it back on the shelf. Both Yanjun and Ansheng continue cleaning until all the rooms were finally free of trash and free of your things. Neither of them had noticed that the time had passed so quickly and it was nearly nine at night already. Ordering takeout, the pair sat on the couch, chatting quietly. “Oh yeah. I think this is y/n’s phone?” Ansheng pulls out your phone from her pocket, “I found it in the guest room.” “C-can I keep that?” Yanjun hesitantly asks, reaching for the phone. “You don’t have to ask me,” Ansheng chuckles, handing him the phone. Yanjun slips it into his pocket, patting it a couple of times. That would be the one thing he had to keep if he were to throw away everything else that was yours. There were a lot of memories in your phone that he couldn’t bear to toss. “By the way, it’s pretty late. Do you want to just stay the night?” Yanjun shyly suggests. Anshen seemed a little shocked, blushing a little even, “O-oh. If you don’t mind.” “I offered. Besides, I wouldn’t be a very nice...friend...if I let you go back home this late by yourself,” Yanjun chokes over the word ‘friend’. “Thank you,” Ansheng pulls Yanjun into a tight hug. He prays that she couldn’t hear his heart pounding. Oh, how he wished she liked him instead of Maotong. This must have been what it felt like for you and he immediately pulls away from the hug. Guilt began settling in and he stands up, quickly excusing himself to the bathroom. “Damn it, Yanjun. What are you getting yourself into,” he mutters to himself, splashing some cold water on his face. He blankly stares at his reflection for a few seconds. He swore he briefly saw your reflection next to his own, smiling brightly with a toothbrush in your hand and toothpaste all over your lips. He quietly chuckles to himself before stepping out. The smell of the take out made his stomach grumble and he quickly makes his way to the kitchen where he sees that Ansheng had set up the meal for the both of them. He gladly sits in the seat next to hers and they began eating, at first silently, but soon followed by old stories, terrible jokes, and laughing until they nearly toppled over. --- Yanjun gave one last look at your contents in that box before sealing it shut with some tape. Taking a deep breath, he carefully dropped the box in. He really wanted to keep your things, but he knew it was for the better if he tossed them out. Waving wearily, he left the box and left, shutting the door behind him.It will be a new beginning, Yanjun decided. Ansheng and Yanjun spent their days together, Ansheng cheering Yanjun up and Yanjun keeping her company. Yanjun was delighted at the fact that he could get so close to his crush. He was even able to convince her to cuddle with him despite still being slightly sick. Before they knew it, the day of your funeral had arrived. Rather than feeling all depressed and hopeless like he had expected, he was happy and at peace. Ansheng had helped him realize that you wouldn’t want to see him in the state he was in before. He wanted to be happy for you and now he finally was. However, there was another reason behind his happiness. The night before, the two were huddled together on the couch, watching a movie when Ansheng had unexpectedly confessed her budding feelings to Yanjun. He was more than ecstatic, but Ansheng asked if they could take it slow since she didn’t want either of them to get their feelings mixed up because of the recent event of your death. It was one step forward enough for Yanjun and the two of them drifted off to sleep, cuddling on the couch. “Ready?” Ansheng gently knocks on the bathroom door, waiting for Yanjun’s reply. “Just finished,” he opened the door, his smirk of a smile on his handsome face. “Let’s go. For closure,” Ansheng offers a charming smile of her own. Ansheng drove them both to the funeral. They had gotten there a little early so they decided to just wait in the car. Windows rolled down, soft music playing, summer breeze flowing through their hair, Ansheng and Yanjun sat in comfortable silence. Bravely, Yanjun slowly crept his hand closer and closer to Ansheng’s. He stiffened a little when he finally touched her pinky. He was about to pull away when he felt her hand slip into his and gave his hand a tight squeeze. He smiled, blood rushing to his cheeks. Unfortunately, a sudden cough from the boy shattered the mood and they both awkwardly pulled their hands away. “You’re still sick, huh?” Ansheng asks worriedly. “Yeah...it’s just a mild cough now though,” Yanjun sighs, ruffling his hair. “Hopefully it’ll get better soon,” Ansheng nods, then pointing outside, “I think they’re coming now. Let’s go.” Hand-in-hand, Yanjun and Ansheng made their way to the cemetery. Yanjun felt his throat tighten his breathing becoming uneven. Maybe he wasn’t ready to face you again after all. However, with a light squeeze from Ansheng, he was able to calm himself down. The ceremony passed quickly and Yanjun was barely able to finish his eulogy before breaking down in tears. He could feel your presence around him and it tugged at his heart. He wished he could have given you what Ansheng had given him. Unfortunately, it was too late. “Thank you for everything, y/n. I wish I could’ve given more to you...I love you,” Yanjun whispers as your casket slowly descends into the massive hole on the ground. Closing his eyes, a small smile appeared on his face when he thought back to all the good memories you and he shared. He felt Ansheng lean into him and he opened his eyes. Looking down, he notices that she had been looking at him. The two of them share a quiet giggle, before saying their last goodbyes. --- Soon, summer was over and Yanjun and Ansheng had begun their new relationship. Yanjun couldn’t have been happier and he knew that you were happy as well. The couple would often visit your grave for a chat or to pay their respects. Today, they were going to tell you about their relationship. “Hey, y/n. How are you?” Yanjun asks, taking a seat on the grassy floor. Ansheng sits down next to him after brushing away a couple of fallen leaves, “I hope you’re doing well.” “We have some news for you...even though I think you already know what it is,” Yanjun chuckles, “Well, Ansheng and I are dating now. Don’t you dare say ‘I told you so’...okay?” A cool breeze brushed past the couple, causing them to laugh. They knew it was you and they were glad that you approved. After chatting for a good hour, the couple decided that it was time to head back. The sun was setting earlier and earlier, the cool, fall breeze got colder. The months passed quickly and the couple’s relationship had never been better. It was spring and the two of them laid in bed, cuddling face-to-face. Ansheng suddenly buries her face into the crook of Yanjun’s neck. He could feel her warm breath tickling him and he pulled her closer. “I...I love you, Yanjun,” Ansheng mumbles. He could feel her cheeks heating up against his skin and he tensed up, despite being drunk with sleepiness. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his eyes drooped. He hoped she knew that she felt the same way. Finally, after a good few minutes, half asleep, Yanjun finally speaks up. “I love you too,” he whispers, drifting off to sleep. --- Yanjun woke up feeling sick to his stomach and deep, aching pain in his chest. Gasping desperately, he peeled himself away from Ansheng, waking her up in the process. He could barely hear her concerned voice as he stumbles his way to the bathroom. Dropping to his knees, he grips the bowl of the toilet, feeling as if he were about to throw up. Instead, he dropped to the ground, unconscious. A soft beeping woke Yanjun up. There was a deep pain throughout his whole body. Groaning, he forced his eyes to open and to his surprise, was greeted by an unfamiliar face. “It’s good to see that you’re fully conscious now. I’ll give you some time to fully wake while I debrief what’s going on with Ansheng. Just press that button with the nurse on it when you feel like you’re ready,” the doctor informed, pointing vaguely to the right of Yanjun. The doctor left and he sat up on his bed. Ansheng rushed over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving, muttering about how he should have told her he was still sick earlier. Sighing, Yanjun’s eyes lazily rolled to the right of him. He reached for the cup and took a sip of water, but nearly spitting it out. There you were, sitting on the uncomfortable looking couch right next to his bed. You looked over and smiled at him. He missed that bright smile of yours. Blinking a couple of times, your figure disappears and he regrets ever blinking. He has had a few hallucinations after your death. He saw you everywhere and it brought him comfort. After he chugged the whole cup of water down, Yanjun pressed the little button to his right as instructed by the doctor. As soon as he pressed it, the doctor came in, Ansheng slowly trailing behind him looking upset and crying. “What’s wrong with me?” Yanjun swallows harshly. The doctor sighs, “You have hanahaki, Mr. Lin. Several actions may be taken from this point. You can either get the person you love to love you back or you can surgically remove the flowers. However, if you get them surgically removed, your feelings for that person will disappear along with the flowers–” “Wait. I have what?” Yanjun interrupts, standing up, “Hanahaki? I haven’t coughed up any flowers yet! Besides, Ansheng and I love each other...I think you’ve got it wrong, doctor.” “Mr. Lin, please calm down,” the doctor replies calmly, but coldly, “I’ll answer your questions one by one. Would you like for Ansheng to stay?” “Yeah, I don’t see why not,” Yanjun sits back down, eyeing his girlfriend who had her arms folded and head down. “Okay, what would you like to know first?” the doctor asked, slipping his pen back into his chest pocket. “If I have hanahaki, then why haven’t I been coughing up any flowers?” Yanjun asks, suspicious. “That is a good question. Well, one doesn’t start coughing up flowers until they are aware of the feelings they have for the other person,” the glares. “Aware…?” Yanjun furrows his brow, rapidly blinking. “I’ll leave you two to discuss. Press that button when you’re done,” the doctor sighs, leaving the couple alone. “You don’t even know, Yanjun?” Ansheng asks, coldly, barely lifting her head. “Ansheng, what’s going on?” Yanjun stands up to pull her closer. She pushes him away. “Yesterday night. You confirmed it yourself,” she glares at him, tears streaming down her face. “Last n-night?” he slowly backs away as she shoves him back onto the bed. “Every night I would wake up to you mumbling ‘I love you’ and I thought it was directed at me so I confessed last night. You said ‘I love you too...y/n’. Y/n...it’s always been her. I should’ve known. Y/n this, y/n that. Everything is about her! You never did love me–or even like me at all!” Ansheng screams, hitting Yanjun’s chest in between each word. Everything hit Yanjun at once. His true feelings, the flowers, the regret. He couldn’t even hear Ansheng screaming at him and he barely felt her fists pounding against him. He felt a tickle in his throat and he coughed. Flowers, gorgeous assorted flowers, flew straight out of his mouth, shocking both him and Ansheng. She backed away, a hand over her gaping mouth. Yanjun felt as if all his limbs were frozen. “A-Ansheng...I’m so...sorry,” he barely chokes out after a silent few minutes. He reaches out, but she shoves him away again, “Don’t even start. I’m heading home. Tell the doctor yourself,” she spits. Ansheng angrily storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Yanjun collapses back onto the bed. He slowly sat up, only to start coughing again. He manages to calm himself, but there was already a sea of flowers and flower petals lying around him. He didn’t know when, but he had started to cry. Picking up the flowers, he slowly examined them one by one after wiping his tears away. Anemones, pink carnations, and the flower that he could never wash from his mind, forget me nots, laid around him, decorating the boring, white hospital floor and bed. He weakly reached for his phone, barely grasping hit. Fingers shaking, he searches for each flower. Anemones - forsaken Pink Carnations - “I’ll never forget you” Forget Me Nots - true and undying love Sobbing, Yanjun tossed his phone aside. He knew exactly why he had coughed up those flowers. He coughed up anemones because you had abandoned him on this earth after your death. He coughed up pink carnations because he knows he won’t ever be able to forget you. He coughed up forget me nots because his love for you was true and undying. --- “I’ll get the surgery for you, Ansheng. Please, have faith in me...in us again,” Yanjun gently holds the girl’s delicate hands. After their new discovery of Yanjun’s terminal “disease”, the two had stayed clear from each other for a little while. Ansheng couldn’t bear the sight nor sound of him coughing up the flowers. She had to get away and Yanjun understood. However, she came around a few days later and the two talked about it. Ansheng had urged Yanjun to get the surgery. She didn’t want to see her love suffering over someone who was long dead. Summer was nearing and Yanjun could feel his body deteriorating slowly and painfully. Every day, he would cough up more and more petals and the flowers would just come up more intact than the last. Thankfully, the two agreed on surgically removing the nasty, yet beautiful flowers. So, Yanjun took himself to the hospital and tried to relax. Ansheng was the first person he saw after waking up. He smiled and she returned it, pulling him into a deep kiss. Finally, it was peace at last. --- “Y/n, I’m here by myself today. You’re doing fine I hope?” Yanjun sadly kneels in front of your headstone. A gentle breeze brushed past him and he smiled, “Well, it’s officially been a year without you.” Yanjun pauses, swallowing harshly. The hot, summer sun beat down through the trees, but he couldn’t help but shiver. “I still miss you, you know. I miss you a lot,” Yanjun sniffs, wiping a stray tear. Taking a deep breath, Yanjun shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds before opening them again. There you were, sitting peacefully in front of him on your grave. You smiled at him and he smiled back. “I...I have a secret to tell you,” he leans in, desperate for your touch. Your ghostly form cutely tilted your head to one side, signaling for him to continue. Yanjun felt himself burning up inside. He chuckles, reconsidering his words. He bit his lips, trying to prevent himself from spilling anything out, but it was too late. He burst. A plethora of colorful flowers flew out through his plump lips. He couldn’t stop them anymore. He couldn’t hold in the secret anymore. He never got the surgery. Yanjun felt himself weakening. He reached out, but your ghostly form had disappeared long ago. Collapsing, his vision was blurred with tears. Yanjun tried to prop himself up with his shaking arms. He felt warm liquid dribble from his mouth, dotting the flowers on the ground with his red blood. Yanjun couldn’t help but smile. Smirking one last time he collapsed and with his last breath, he whispered only words you could hear. “I never stopped loving you.” --- There he lay, right next to your grave, his sparkling eyes shut closed, a serene look on his face, his signature smirk now permanent on his fresh corpse. An assortment of anemones, pink carnations, and forget me nots scattered all around him. Some of the flowers had been whisked over on top of your grave from the cool summer breeze. The shiny, red droplets of blood shone under the bright summer sun. It was a peaceful summer.