#xtras

AU Background

College Era

AFTER THE FLING WITH PEYTON, JJ HAD BEEN BRANDED A LESBIAN. No one had even asked her, if it was an accurate statement, if she was or wasn't. Amongst people who knew about her and Peyton, it was just assumed that she was. It should have bothered her, having that label immediately attached to her name because of who she had slept with w no regard for her, but having the world lesbian attached to her felt like finally escaping someone who was actively drowning you. To say she could breath, for the very first time in life, was an understatement. Even if all those breaths for the first few months were just recovery and couldn't be retained to provide long-term relief. After having her head forcibly held under the water for so long, it all felt good.

She had expected the branding to come with ridicule and forced isolation. After all, despite the popularity Peyton had, no one was really nice to her or accepting of her except the girls who were proud enough to be openly seen with her and her basketball teammates. But it wasn't what she thought. Sure, some of the people who had heard rumors were assholes about her being a lesbian, guys who were pissed she wasn't interested in them thus insisting that they could be the magic that would change her or girls who were grossed out by the fact she might b into them while also being offended when she wasn't. But overall, things were pretty much fine. She was a rather open lesbian and her world hadn't fallen apart. It was a relief, but it at the same time, it wasn't. She had it reaffirmed for her in a completely different way that Peyton wasn't just ostracized because she was a lesbian but because of how masculine she was on top of being a lesbian. It was the marriage of those two traits because JJ knew that straight tomboys didn't get treated like that. The same thing that drew JJ to her, the same way JJ quietly wished she could be was what made Peyton's life so hard. It was what made JJ's childhood so hard, and she had hoped being branded a lesbian would give her room to escape it, but she was wrong. And she didn't even know just how wrong she was yet.

The upside to her being branded a lesbian was, well, sex. Especially with her being an athlete and all. She was one of the few (one of, like, five girls maybe) who were out. And she was the top 3 one of the best soccer players at school, male or female. JJ had it good, and it was a whole new world. She couldn't get enough of it, this newfound popularity with girls. She didn't really drink, she never touched drugs but once she started having sex (with women who weren't Peyton) she didn't really feel like she needed either of those things.

See, here's the thing. In high school, JJ did her v best to avoid sex and dating; the idea of being with a boy made her want to wither and die and there was no way she could be with a girl. JJ put all her energy into school and soccer, got a job, told everyone she found boys distracting. JJ refused to date, and she was rather successful at it. Almost completely except one year. During her junior year, a football player (shocker), who asked her out during halftime at their homecoming game in from of almost their whole town, including her parents. She couldn't reject him; it didn't matter how much she wanted to. He was a senior. He was the senior. He made a whole show around it and when it was all said and done, everyone -- not even just the girls in her school -- was talking about how lucky she was. It was a dreadful experience. It hardly counted as a relationship, though. Not just because of her lack of desire but bcus of the effort she went thru to avoid him entirely. She took on more students to tutor and opened her time slot to lunch so she didn't have to see him in the cafeteria. She got more hours at the diner she worked at in town so that she was too busy to see him after school and after practice in season. She got more involved with her church, of all things, so that even her Sundays were busier than normal. Of course, he "liked" her enough to get creative. He started camping out at the diner she worked, he started going to church with her (and boy, did her mother love that), he sat in on her soccer practices, he insisted on sitting next to her in the library while she tutored people so despite her best efforts, more often than not, she still ended up with his hand on her inner thigh. He kissed her often despite fact she didn't kiss back and never allowed him to go as far as to stick his tongue in her mouth. Every time his lips touched hers, she clenched her jaw and froze, hoped she would die right there and waited for him to pull away. She'd jerk back when he tried to force her mouth open bcus he wasn't the worst guy but he wasn't so nice that he didn't continuously try that, despite what she wanted. That's the farthest she had even gotten with a guy, and she broke up with him at his graduation. She couldn't wait. The break up felt like taking a noose off her neck.

She was always curious about sex, though. Her desire for it was never necessarily weak, she could just never force herself to think about guys so she always felt dirty for thinking about it as much as she thought about it which was a smooth 80% of the time, if she was being honest. Sometimes, she would feel so feral she felt like she could chew a brick — forcing those feelings down were an utter nightmare. She even had to stop having sleepovers with her co-captain bcus she was too touchy, too intimate. They didn't just cuddle when they slept, no, her co-captain would put JJ's hands in-between her thighs while they slept for "warmth". JJ could never sleep, would never unclench her fist bcus she wanted to touch her so bad, and it was terrifying. Then, there was those soccer matches at that one high school across town where the captain had thick thighs, long braids, a deep and rich complexion, a busty chest and the deepest dimples one had ever seen would have such a powerful affect on her. It was worse, it was worse than the sleepovers, but contact was allowed in soccer, expected at times. JJ can't tell you how many times she collided into that girl on purpose jus so she would end up on top of her or under her. She felt so dirty about it, but she could never stop herself from doing it. It was her favorite school to play, all four years she was in school. In those four years, she had played that school, played against that girl somewhere between maybe 8 to 12 times but it felt like much more. She loved playing her, but it made her hate herself more than she already did. After the games, she couldn't stop feeling her body against hers, not even hours after the fact. When she got home at night, she'd have such detailed dreams that she would wake up sweaty, messy, achy and ruined with her heart racing like everyone could see her dreams on a jumbotron flat screen and then she would cry in the shower and scrub herself clean until the water felt like ice bcus no one could ever know she thought of girls like that.

So, having sex the way she had always imagined in her dreams? Felt like breaking a nasty, prison-like spell. It felt coming to life for the first time. It felt like pure freedom. It felt ... religious; it comforting. JJ couldn't get enough. She was only slightly ashamed to say that she was a bit easy. Hot girl, pretty face with charisma approached her the right way with sweet smiles, soft touches and complimenting her athletic prowess or the way her muscles looked when she played or worked out? Well, it was easy to guess where that was going. Often times she wondered if Peyton felt how she felt and that's why she got around so much. If so, she certainly couldn't blame her. Her own reputation built steadily and between the queer and the curious, JJ was swimming in women. It made her feel as much like a God as it made her finally feel like a complete person. But like religion, as comforting as it could be, it left you wanting more, wanting something more. If sex was her Bible, was her church, JJ found herself always searching for her God. Underneath her lustful patterns, she wanted someone that would let her be more than just a fun time, someone who would let her b who she wanted to b and genuinely like her anyway. She played up her inner-Peyton when she flirted, when she fucked but her fear of ostracization kept her from expressing herself in that way anywhere else. It held her back, so much. On her best day, she felt small; every other day, she felt invisible. So much so that it got to the point that if she wasn't flirting or fucking, she didn't feel real, didn't feel like anyone could see her or hear her. So, she kept chasing the feeling of life, kept chasing her God in between some woman's thighs.

She balanced it well, though. Her athletic responsibilities, her academics, her job. Her social life. Maybe it was because she was young and in college, maybe it was bcus on the surface she was still fairly normal, but no one really looked at her too hard about the sex she was having. She was safe, trips to the clinic were routine. She had enough platonic friends, enough platonic female friends that it didn't look like sex was the only thing she cared about. So, when she was constantly leaving social functions with someone on her arm, it was jus JJ, the player... playing the game of women and winning. Her female friends playfully shook their head, her male friends championed her and claimed envy. No one could see what she felt was an empty hole in her. She was jus JJ, the player, the ladykiller and she was fine with that. She felt like she had to be.

YOOOOOOOO

YOOHOHOHOHHOHOHO

XOXO  2018

ARIES

2018 will be a year of endings and beginnings in the area of romance.   January 31st ushered in the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Leo, indicating the end of a love affair.    An affair that on the surface seemed to be full of mutual happiness, but if you looked deeper and further, you would have seen the flaws.   Before you’ll be ready to embark upon something new with someone else you must look to your childhood for insights into what you believed was the ideal love relationship.  These beliefs probably haven’t served you well, living by a “model standard”, consciously or unconsciously, that just doesn’t work.

When Leo retrogrades July 26th - August 18th, your old lover may return.    It’s very rarely a good idea to go back unless growth and healing has occurred.  Therefore use discernment to avoid repeating the past, giving you a chance to move forward.  By the time the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Leo comes around August 11th,  you should hopefully be in a better place to begin a new relationship.  If you use the “lessons” of the past as a platform to build something that is strong and mutually beneficial, happiness in love will become a reality.

TAURUS

With Jupiter in Scorpio sitting in your house of long-term love until November 8th, you’ll be motivated to transform the weaknesses in the relationship into strengths, while at the same time dealing with secrets and hidden motives.   Jealousy seems to be lurking and undermining the success of the relationship overall.  While Jupiter is retrograde, March 28th - July 10th,  it’ll be a time to delve deeper into underlying issues between you and your partner that have yet to be resolved.   Most of all deciding between the two of you and individually, what type of relationship you want that can be agreed upon.  If single this applies too.  What kind of relationship would make you happy.  This way hurt feelings can be avoided.

With Venus retrograde in Scorpio, October 5th - November 6th, be careful of getting involved in secret affairs with others, whether it’s you or your partner.   If the secret affair happens it won’t work out as expected and will cause irreparable harm, pain and sorrow, plus the affair will eventually comets light.    The “warning signs” will be there once Venus enters Scorpio September 9th until January 7th 2019.

Jupiter will leave Scorpio and enter Sagittarius November 8th for one year, putting the focus on intimate aspects of love.  This will be a time to look beyond the physical, towards a deeper more fulfilling relationship.  The concept of sensuality instead of sexuality. Learning to appreciate the person your with externally and internally.   Also considering different types of people, outside of your comfort zone, for a relationship.   Single Taurus will find long-term love traveling to far away places and with people from other cultures/beliefs.

As 2018 comes to a close you will begin a cycle of learning that true beauty/love comes from within and transcends all boundaries.

GEMINI

With Saturn joining Pluto in your house of intimate relationships, you’ll be influenced to focus on stability and commitment from the person you love.  This is good, because without a strong foundation of continuous commitment, relationships very rarely survive.   You and your partner, or individually, have to decide what you want the commitment/foundation to be. Pluto in Capricorn will bring up a great deal of fear, insecurity, doubt and issues of trust  for you to confront, so that you can also look at whether your needs are being served.    Saturn will provide the inner strength, discipline and perseverance that’s needed in order for a relationship to consistently grow, evolve and endure the “tests” of time.  This isn’t a cycle to fall into fantasy, illusion or delusion, because facing reality will empower you to overcome any and all problems in the relationship.

Once Jupiter moves into Sagittarius, November 8th for one year and in your house of long-term relationships, you should be ready for love to move up to the next level of greater honesty and belief that your partner is willing to work with you and be straightforward with their intent.   If not, don’t worry, Jupiter will bring many new potential partners into your life, who  most likely will be different from your usual choices in many ways and from different walk of life.  

Most of all, you should feel more comfortable and  internally secure to be your own person in the context of love, empowering you to be yourself and maintain Unity through Diversity in 2018.

CANCER

Balance needs to be established between being detached towards your partner and being too clingy.    Somehow you have to find a “middle-ground” in 2018.    With the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius July 27th, things that have been bothering you will come to the surface to be dealt with.  Just do it gently, ,because changes have to happen, maybe even “endings” but not overnight.   Therefore, think before you express your true feelings, otherwise more harm could be done instead of good.

Both Pluto and Saturn in your house of long-term love, once again highlights change and/or upheaval.  All and everything that has been buried/ignored will slowly but surely present itself for you to deal with.  A cycle in which you must avoid being the “ostrich” with its “head in the sand”.  This isn’t necessarily going to be an easy time for long-term love, because Pluto will stay in this area of life until 2025, Saturn until 2020.  

Jupiter moving into Sagittarius November 8th for one year, affects the house of romance, happiness and childhood.   An indicator that for both single and attached Cancer, it’s time to have a change of heart, in terms of who and what makes you happy in love.  The beliefs you’ve held since childhood haven’t really manifested your expectations, so you need to explore exactly what your expectations really are, then work towards them slowly.    Lack of self-worth is at the root of your problems in love.  You deserve better.  In fact this should be your mantra for 2018.  

The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aquarius, February 15th, is likely to bring someone new, unexpected and different into your life, that may start out as a friendship and later grow into love.  When Mars retrogrades June 26th - August 27th in Aquarius, unexpected confrontations and/or news that creates it,  could arise as certain individuals from the past return.  

2018 won’t be boring, but you’ll need to be “on your toes” to keep focused on what is the right thing to do that’s in your best interests.

LEO

The chances of a long-term relationship coming to an abrupt end is very likely in 2018, especially around the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on July 27th.    Although unexpected in some ways, the end was actually really obvious, if you’d been paying attention, especially in communication.  What you say, how you say it and the affect, past and present conversations included.  When Mars retrogrades in Aquarius, June 26th - August 27th,  some type of conflict or untimely revelation can be expected, leading to confrontation and /or unsettling scenarios in this part of your life, so be prepared.     If you look back to February 15th, around Valentines day, events that occurred during that time (New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aquarius), were the writing on the wall.

Jupiter will move into Sagittarius for one year on November 8th, residing in your house of romance, risk, happiness and childhood.   This means there will be plenty of people available and willing for dates, a chance to interact with many different types of people. In fact you could find love on vacation to a faraway place, with someone you never imagined would be relationship potential.  An opportunity to have a great deal of fun.    However, remember Jupiter is a “magnifying glass”, highlighting strengths and weaknesses,  As a result, you may fool yourself into thinking you’re happy with the dating world at your feet, but deep down you could find yourself wanting more depth and closeness.   The key with Jupiter in this house,  is to face Self and be more honest about what you want in love and be willing to expand your horizons to get it.   With Jupiter in this house at the end of the year, you should at least try because ultimately you are the Creator of your happiness/unhappiness. You’re no longer a child, but an adult and it’s up to you and you alone to encompass a broader perspective of love relationships and to stop deluding Self.

VIRGO

Saturn has joined Pluto in Capricorn -December 9th 2017 - December 17th 2020 and Pluto until 2025, urging you to become more disciplined, persevering, patient and committed to working towards greater happiness with your partner, consistently creating a strong solid foundation of love.  Yes. you will be faced with fear, insecurity and doubt, carried with you from childhood, but this is nothing you can’t confront and overcome, if you’re willing to try.

Neptune in Pisces remains in your house of long-term love until end of March 2025.  An indication that the realities of being in a long-term relationship are being presented for you to focus on.   As this is also the house of open enemies, you’ll have to deal with people you know who don’t have your best interests at heart when it comes to this particular area of life.  These individuals will be revealed during this cycle, as the “veil”is lifted.  .  These are people who really don’t want you to be happy in love and will consistently  try to erode your self-worth and self-confidence and ultimately create sorrow and self-undoing if you listen to their so-called “good advice”.  When Neptune retrogrades in Pisces,  June 18th - November 20th, you’ll repeat this type of experience with certain individuals.  Also be warned, if you have anything hidden, that your partner should know about, Neptune in Pisces will bring it to light eventually, as long as it resides in this house.  Better the truth comes from you, instead of via some other source.

2018 is the year to see the “beauty” in long-term love and the person you choose to be with, internally and externally and have realistic expectations of what can be achieved when love prevails between you and your partner.   Learning that love is the most powerful force in the Universe, when felt and demonstrated in its purest and highest form.  Therefore, work towards developing a strong spiritual bond with your partner, that has the power to obliterate all negativity internally/externally.

LIBRA

With Uranus in Aries affecting long-term partnerships, until May 15th, then again November 6th - March 7th 2019, how you conduct yourself in extended love relationships will change.  It’s a sign to be more wary of people you’re attracted to and bring into your life for close attachment.    Realizing it’s important to be your own person with the person you love so that you’re able to complete your life purpose.  When Uranus moves into Taurus on May 15th, then March 7th 2019 - July 2025, the worth and value of intimate partnerships will become an even bigger priority .  This aspect will empower you to align yourself with someone who enhances your life and doesn’t trample on your self-worth/confidence.

The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aquarius February 15th, will be in your house of happiness, risks, love, childhood and creativity.  This is a “message” from the Universe to focus on your unique Self  in order to be fulfilled/happy on a deeper level.  To be responsible for loving yourself first and foremost  without feeling the need to look to others or depend on them for approval or self-worth.    This aspect begins a cycle of empowerment, whereby you can move towards attracting/being around people of like-mind, who are a strong positive influence and will help you become more of your own person.  

When Mars retrogrades in Aquarius June 26th - August 27th, some aspect or past love you thought made you happy could return.  However, tread with care and be cautious about repeating mistakes from the past.   The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius will bring an end to a cycle of this person or similar individuals coming into your life, at least the worst of it should be over.

2018 is a year to create, mold and shape your happiness, love and life to be the best it can be.

SCORPIO

When Uranus moves into Taurus, May 15th - November 6th, into your house of personal relationships, you’ll be influenced to reassess whether or not the people you choose to love have anything positive to offer, or helped to implement a solid structure/foundation between the two of you.    You’ll  have plenty of time to figure this out and the Universe will put you to the “test” throughout the cycle.  

The “lesson” to be learned here is to not waste time with people just for the sake of a physical experience and expect to be fulfilled on a deep level for any great length of time.   It’s time to look for potential and existing partners who have more depth of character and integrity.  

With Neptune in Pisces in your house of love until mid 2025, you’ll be going through a reality check, learning/seeing how you are your own worst enemy when it comes to love, having unrealistic expectations and giving people qualities t hey don’t have. Then becoming resentful when the object of your affection can’t live up to your standards or provide what you want the most.   Therefore, 2018 is a time to take responsibility, realizing that to a large degree you are the Cause of the Affect and the Creator of your happiness or unhappiness.  

Regardless of whether you want just a quick romance or something long-term, there must be a strong foundation mutually agreed upon, that makes you both happy.  Nothing less will do.

SAGITTARIUS

Uranus in Aries in your house of romance indicates that as much as you want to change certain aspects of your love-life, you can’t do it overnight, it has to be implemented with forethought, especially if there is someone else involved, otherwise you could cause unnecessary hurt and sorrow.    Uranus in Aries remains  in this area of life until May 15th then November 6th - March 7th 2019, so you still have time left to do what needs to be done.    Acting on impulse where love is concerned very rarely has a positive outcome if patience and a peaceful demeanor isn’t incorporated. Therefore avoid acting in a way that causes others to react against you, which in turn defeats the purpose of the very thing you want to manifest.     When Mercury retrogrades in Aries, March 22nd - April 15th, be very careful what you say and the affect of your words.

The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Cancer July 12th, could initiate the renewal of a deep relationship with someone you care about past or present, giving you a chance to clarify your true feelings about Self and the person.   If everything goes well, a major positive transformation could take place and set the tone for a more unifying and empowering love relationship.    On the other hand, you could end up being “set free” from individuals that are not “healthy” in mind, spirit or Soul, that do more to bring you down than make you happy.

You’ll know when the time comes what to do and decisions to make, leaving room for true love to come into your life.

CAPRICORN

With Uranus moving into Taurus May 15th - November 6th, the March 7th 2019 - July 2025,  the lessons you learned growing up about love and how/if they apply now will become important.    You’ll begin to realize that being with someone whose character brings worth and value to the relationship is a major key to happiness, as well as being an individual, adding strength and value to the relationship.  This allows both people to bring a wealth of positive energy to the partnership, supporting growth of each other and creating a formidable team, with the power to overcome undermining influences.   Any type of negativity lying or dishonesty, whether from you or your partner will only serve to erode the positive aspects of the relationship. Something to bear in mind this year.

While Uranus is still in Aries, it will continue to affect your foundation of life, indicating that changes are going to happen between now and the end of the Uranus in Aries cycle March 7th 2019.  These changes will also set the tone for Uranus moving into Taurus at that time.  Hopefully the alterations will remove negativity that has kept your foundation of life stagnant and affected new beginnings.

The New Noon Solar Eclipse in Cancer July 12th, will be a sure sign that these changes are happening. The Eclipse occurs in your house of long-term partnerships/open enemies, a time when certain irritants affecting this area of life will being to be removed and be replaced by individuals who support nurturing partnerships and have your best interests at heart, especially people in authority/power.    Once things start to improve there will be a “ripple affect” into your love-life, bringing comfort, fulfillment and emotional balance on deeper levels.  

This experience will show, that regardless of your experiences growing up with family, that affected how you feel/interact in love, you have the power to chart your own course and create your visions of happiness/love.

AQUARIUS

The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Leo  January 31st, initiates the end of a certain direction you’d been moving towards that certainly did not bring happiness and affected love in your life.  A time when certain “friends” had to be let go because they didn’t have your best interests at heart.  Open enemies. By the time the New Moon Solar Eclipse  occurs on August 11th, you’ll be in a better place to start focusing on rebuilding your love-life and long-term relationships. The “lessons” being, you can’t allow “friends” to have that much affect or “power” in your love-life/happiness, to the degree it not only has a debilitating affect overall and you get misled off on tangents to nowhere.    When Mercury retrogrades in Leo July 26th - August 18th, certain lovers/partners could return to cause unhappiness and chaos. See them in their true colors and for who they really are.  Importantly, don’t allow them to linger too long in your life. You know what you and it’s  important you stand up for it.

For Aquarius, 2018 is a year of dramatic and maybe life altering changes on many levels    Therefore to know what you want and who you want in your life to make you happy is really what counts. You cannot allow people who have ulterior motives or agendas to enter your life,  stand in your way or impede your personal happiness.

PISCES

For Pisces in love, 2018 is about being emotionally confident to nurture romance in the direction that’s the highest and best. Realizing there are certain family and childhood experiences that  have left a “mark/scar”  on the heart and the way you perceive love and interact on this level.  This is especially connected to your mother in some capacity.   Its about learning how to communicate your needs in a healthy balanced way, that the person you love can understand, then both of your needs can be served.    This is the best course of action in order to avoid retreating into a “shell” of deep hurt and sorrow.

The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Cancer July 12th, marks the beginning of a cycle  where you should feel the emotional power/strength of this aspect influencing you to be more independent in romance and not so needy.  To love Self first which will give you the strength to build a healthy strong love relationship with another person.  

Remember, it’s not necessary to be a martyr for love, giving too much of Self and getting little or nothing back in return. A person that takes and gives nothing is to someone to be with or have in your life.