#xestelik

I met you August 12th 2012. I fell in love with you August 12th 2012. And I knew that day, that nothing you could ever say or do would take that away. And I hate that. Because you hurt me more than anyone ever has and kept hurting me over, and over, and over again, until I broke. And I let you, because I loved you. And it took everything in me to pick myself back up, rather than asking you. But it's different now. I hope you're hurting, but I'll never waste my time to ask. I hope she breaks your heart like you did mine, but I won't be around to hear the screams. I hope you stay with your head so deep in the sand that you lie in the grave you dug yourself, but I'll be flying too high to mourn. I will never make the mistakes I made with you, and from this point on I pick my own happiness over the happiness of anyone else. And one day, I'm going to find someone that shares my happiness. He'll have a deeper voice than yours, and he'll love saying my name. He'll send me pictures of himself when we're apart for too long, and he'll remember my birthday the first time I tell him. He'll memorize my favourite things and make them appear in my life every now and then, and he'll speak in a different language to me, even if it's only the six words he learned in high school. He'll go shopping with me, and look for things I could look good in and with everything I put on, he'll tell me I'm beautiful. He'll stop smoking if it bothers me, and start smoking if I like it. He'll plan our future a hundred different ways, and shape it around both of our dreams. He'll put me under his wing and always, always ask if I'm happy. He'll ask me to sing him to sleep, but makes sure that I fall asleep too. He'll wait as long as I need and assure me its okay. He'll be honest, and he'll look at me when he says he loves me. And, babe, you won't be him. I promise that he'll never be you. I'm not going to say I hate you, but I can't say that I don't. I'm not going to say I regret our time together because you opened my eyes to how I deserve better. You came into my life as a lesson I wish I learned a little sooner, but nevertheless, I loved you. But it will forever stay in the past. I'm strong enough to know now that if you ever come crawling back, I will be polite, I will listen and I will care, but I will never love you ever again.

I'm sorry for the awful things I said. I meant one or two, but every day since we don't talk, all I do is worry about how you're doing. I assume you're over me, but I'm more concerned about if you're happy or not. We had a wonderful time when it was us against the world, and there were different ways we deserved to end, but I can't change what happened especially when you don't seem that regretful. If you're wondering, I'm doing okay. I've stopped thinking about you and what you did and the possibility of you and her together, and I haven't checked up on you since 2014. And although that was only two weeks ago, I feel like it's been months. I miss you. I really do. But it's better this way. I can actually breathe. I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. And believe it or not, yesterday, and for the first time in two and a half years, I looked at another guy and felt butterflies. That was the sign. I'm over you. Mostly. I never thought I would be but here I am. Thinking about a different guy before I fall asleep, and hoping that I'll see him again. My God does it feel good to say that I'm over you. I hope that you realize what you did if you haven't already, and maybe someday you'll realize you fucked up. I wrote songs about you. I wrote three so far and I'm sure there's more to come. But every time I sing them I don't feel sad. I feel proud for picking myself up off the ground because you aren't worth my life ending. You aren't the only thing that was good. I learned my lesson, don't get obsessed. My one regret is that I took you for granted. I hate you I really do. 95% over you, B. I don't think I'll ever hit 100% but maybe that's because we're supposed to be. I hope were not meant to be because I deserve a hell of a lot better. I know you wanted to marry me but my gut told me never to say it back for a reason. But you said it for a reason as well. I'm learning in school how to set goals and the different stages of change and right now I'm in the "maintenance" stage which means I can live without you but I need to keep trying because it isn't permanent yet. So please, do as you are and stay away. For good. I miss you. I love you. But I'm glad you're gone. Goodbye, B. Maybe one of these days you'll stop visiting me in my dreams. Love, your sweetheart.

I'll fight it now, I'm sorry if you though that I was acting out, The words they just weren't coming out right somehow, But I meant to say that I'll be okay I promise that, I'll be okay.

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