#xcognitif

In my death I thought of many things, I thought of my friends and all these unique faces I had ever met I worried of their reactions and then I thought of my family-- who would keep them safe? but most of all, I thought of you. I would miss your smile the most beautiful thing you could ever do and how you always knew how to make me laugh, our time together felt too short and I never meant to hurt you during it I just am and always shall be a difficult man but I loved you greatly for giving me my heart back for showing me there is no weakness in loving or being human, it was a bitter sweet sensation knowing you where safe but I would eventually die with out you.

So, I waited for many years to see you my soul continuously being born in to times where we could never be and I think I was going mad. Now, here I am in this modern day and we are friends but that's all we can ever be-- we sleep in the arms of another now. My lover is nice, he is kind, but he isn't you he could never understand how I am I feel guilty for it and I know deep down you feel the same way. I suppose we just met each other a day too late but it sure as hell burns doesn't it?

I knew it was you by that stupid undercut and the way you spoke in an arrogant tone when I asked you about what flowers you wanted, you knew it was me when I started to ramble on about which ones where the most beautiful. Your touch was kind as you whispered, "Hi Eren, it's been a long time..." when you said my name I had been close to wanting to kicking you out of my shop in horror but I didn't, I just rolled my eyes and told you "Always late, I should kick you for this" until I remembered you had said you where with another. I suppose you and I both wanted to overlook that little detail since you invited me to coffee that week to catch up, thousands of years worth of talking seemed absurd but you insisted.

That night, I holed myself up in the bathroom allowing the water in the bathtub to suffocate me because my soul was so over joyed to know you would be once more beside me and then it shattered as it seemed to realize you couldn't be mine and for the first time I was very resentful of this era I was reborn in. Coffee started turning in to weekly visits, we started to have a lot of fun didn't we? we went to the park late at night to watch the stars and play on the swings like kids, you took me everywhere you could think of and we used the thinly cloaked lie of just friends to get past questioning.

The best day to me was when we went to the aquarium, I was so eager because it was right on the ocean and that day the water was the most beautiful blue color it looked so warm. During that day, we said nothing but watched the different fish and animals until we sat in the darkness of one room that homed a fish tank so large it looked like they had stolen a part of the ocean to house it. We sat on the steps in that room until I broke the silence by asking what happened after I died, you took forever to talk a wounded look upon your face. "That following day, we reached the basement" something told me I didn't want to hear what was to come next, drastically in the course of weeks humanity was making a come back and on one warm summer day you remarked that the those who had survived the war ventured out of the Walls and on that day you found the ocean.

You spoke of how furious the sea was, how small it made a mere man seem, and then you said it reminded you of us and how you laughed remarking, "The sea's temper is yours, kind and loving but furious with out a shred of mercy-- I remember standing along the shore line thinking, maybe you where never a fire but the raging waters and on that day I turned to embrace you but I felt nothing but your warm presences as if you had come to tell me everything worked out in the end" your laughter became heart ache as your hand reached to mine, "It's odd to see you with out your bandages-- you just have birth marks instead. I miss your scars, your trophies for being reckless and so selfless-- being alive and surviving"

As our fingers curled my eyes kept on to the tank watching the fishes flutter by, deep down it was wrong to be this close to you when I knew you where to wed someone else but you where mine and how could I say no? you went on to tell me how many mourned me and how you went on in life to plant flowers for me only to laugh you think you killed them on accident and I couldn't help but burst out laughing in my own hysterics. Many people went on to live peacefully, "I think you would of been happy had you seen such a thing, no, I know you! you would of been a smug fucker rubbing it in my face how your optimistic attitude paid off and I would of yelled at you sparking the largest fight just like we use to"

Well, that was true I would of done such a thing and as the large fish swam by I just grinned I dared to never ask you what life was like after for you when I died, I don't want to know nor does it seem like you want to talk about it. We sat there for what seemed hours as you spoke softly, "It was quiet with out you, our home wasn't the same" in an instant the stupid grin I wore broke I had to hold back from crying in public as my fingers reached for yours clenching them tightly, dying was very traumatic I still remembered it down to the scent of that day.

I had just wanted to live so I may go home and see my family, my friends, everyone I loved but I knew it was over. "Oh, you fucking act like I wanted to die! Really!? of all t-" you silenced me by kissing my lips, like a wild fire it took me to a place where that's all we did and all we needed we where  broken and destroyed our love was horrendous for we would conquer and devour for each other. In the back of my mind, I hope anyone that had found remnants of our past spoke of us, I hope they where terrified of how we loved each other with out any fear and no restrictions.

Maybe, it was wrong of me to think that way but we where powerful once-- I know you remember, we were fearsome men and we made everyone know. Now, we're just mortals with no power, no beast, no roar and it feels odd doesn't it? but you look happy, so in a sense I am happy. When you kissed me, I didn't let go and we where frantic we ended up leaving quickly barely able to leave the parking lot with how needy our mouths had become for one another. You asked me who's place was closer I told you if we did this we would be horrible for hurting our partners, "Fuck that! They aren't mine you are! you forgot it didn't you!?" the silence on the drive to my place was deafening, you love struck bastard even in our rebirth you never let go.

Somewhere between us bickering about the past and unlocking my apartment door, we forgot everything indulging in each other's touch. Midway through, you had a freak out you couldn't find a scar or my long hair anymore and I told you it was okay, it's just a new body but I'm still the same. Your heat has always meshed with mine perfectly, our bodies always fit, and our marks of claim always looked beautiful on each other's skin. We hid underneath the sheets stripped down and chuckling, we made fun of our new bodies and reminisced together but you told me constantly you loved me still, before you left you looked at me and said "I'll miss you for the rest of my life, you know it's a one time thing"

"I'm not dumb, I know. We're still friends though, aren't we?" you knelt down and kissed my forehead giving a painful croaked yes, that wouldn't change. As I stood on my tiptoes, you swayed with me back and forth whispering soflty, "Will you miss me?"nodding, I murmured softly "I spent 2,000 years waiting to see you-- the most ridiclous man I had to fall in love with because he is so annoying with how kind he is..." we both laugh cause it takes the edge off the pain but tonight we won't be going to bed together, we won't be waking up to each other's face, and suddenly it feels like another thousand years of waiting, I want to go back to Hell with you-- it was kinder then this and as you leave that's what I yearn for, where I was a monster and you where a man together we where perfect within our flaws. As I listened to silence, I longed for our home within stone walls but it is over far gone now we are here deemed nothing but 'friends'.