#wynesthesia

i’m convinced, at least in my mom’s case, that it’s to do with my being on the autistic spectrum. i’m not sure that she understands that it’s a spectrum with varying qualities and difficulties; you’re either developmentally stunted and need a personal caretaker to wipe away your drool, or you’re a competent supergenius who just can’t relate to people.

she treats me like a child and will very often take my jokes as me saying something earnest, resulting in a condescending lecture. (example: i joked the hospital was probably interested in hiring me because 6 years of working at the pharmacy has me used to the ‘sick old people’ demographic, and she very sternly tells me, ‘don’t say that in the interview’, as if i’m a fucking idiot who has never had a job interview [or HELPED CONDUCT INTERVIEWS])

she believes, in all honesty, that because while i’m unemployed and doing freelance work i choose to stay up all night that i do not understand what a normal sleep schedule is, as if my years of being in the workforce were something i made up...? i guess?

she is an extremely performative person and autistic people are... not. so in her world, my private unemployed behavior is indicative of my public behavior and when i say that i know how something works, her answer is, “well how am I supposed to know that?”

because, again, my years in the workforce, including store-level management, were just something I apparently made up.

she’s said more than once that “maybe we should just call a spade a spade and get you the help you need” (a caretaker. she means a caretaker.) when i half-jokingly remark that having to leave voicemails gives me anxiety.

i’m only here for 3 more days. my dad is kind of the opposite, in that he thinks that i’m just weird and unmotivated, so instead of “you’re a child-minded idiot who will never be able to take care of herself” it’s going to be “you’re smart and capable and physically my clone and the fact that you’re not meeting my standards for success means you’re lazy” and i’m honestly not sure which is worse

I’m not successful, that much is obvious. I kind of blew my entire early 20s being the caretaker for someone else, blew my first shot at college because I wasn’t medicated and couldn’t handle the pressure, and blew my restart across the country because I got complacent. But I’m capable. I just need help in some places that are no-brainers for most people.