#wwsrd

I just finished #WWSRD and I have a lot of thoughts, so bear with me. Or ignore me. Either is fine.

First, I totally understand Mary’s frustration with the fans’ reactions across the board, and now I feel bad for making her feel bad, because I know just how lucky we are to have someone who is so invested in her art and her fans to care about what we think. I am so grateful for WWSRD to give me a chance to breathe, understand the process of creating this character every week, and see the show from the perspective of the actor who lived the character, which is such a gift for someone like me who craves that insight into character development.

I also understand Mary’s protectiveness of the show and cast and crew, and I feel even worse that our outpouring of grief and rage diminishes what they’ve accomplished over the last 13 years. The two are not related, especially in terms of cast and crew. Everyone from the directors to the actors to the tape loggers and PAs have done a wonderful job with this show. Take a bow and please accept my gratitude for a job very well done.

As you all know, I write a lot of fanfic, but I also do graphic design and corporate communications for my day job, and in those instances, when the point I’m trying to get across falls flat or someone just doesn’t like my design, my first thought is, “Well, you’re an idiot.” (And usually my second and third thoughts as well.) (Mary is a lot more diplomatic than I am.) It’s never easy to hear that someone’s reaction to something you put your heart and soul into is that it sucks and they hate it. It doesn’t, however, mean that the work isn’t valid. It’s just not necessarily being read the way it’s written, and that’s a fact of life every creator of content has to accept.

There’s a big difference between creating content and consuming content. Once a piece is created, the creator has to relinquish control over how it’s consumed, because no two members of the audience internalize art or fiction or television in the same way. That’s the whole reason we have fandom wars on this godforsaken site. Not only that, but what is satisfying for a writer or an actor is very often vastly different than what is satisfying for the audience. I can and do support Mary’s playing Sharon’s end, acknowledging it as a valid creative plot point, and loving the choices that she made – and I’m also very grateful that this podcast helps me understand those choices – and still, I’m just so heartbroken about Sharon’s death. The first is because I have enormous respect for the actor and the writers and the creative process and, the second is because I’m a fan of the actor and the writers and creative process, and sometimes those two things just don’t mesh well together, because the audience isn’t in the same place in the creative process. We didn’t have several months to process this. We had a few weeks, and I’m not speaking for anyone else, but those few weeks were pretty sucky for me.

I think anyone who cares about their job – whether it be in the entertainment industry, or accounting, or making fancy lattes – wants to do it well and wants to be challenged, and for an actor, there’s no bigger challenge than trying to portray something as difficult and emotional as a death and do it justice. The disconnect here I think is that while Mary did a beautiful job with Sharon’s last two episodes, the fans were not ready for her story to end. I’m sure the general audience watched it and thought, “Oh, that’s sad,” and went about their business, but for those of us who are probably way too emotionally attached to the character, it’s hard to separate the craft and care that went into shooting those scenes from the gut-wrenching reaction we had to watching them. My anger at what happened to Sharon has pretty much zero to do with the cast and crew, who have been phenomenal, and everything to do with my own life. That’s on me, and it’s not a reflection of the work in general, but that’s the point of art – it does touch people, and you just can’t control HOW it’s going to touch them. To quote one of my favorite inappropriate songs from the ’90s, sometimes it’s a bad touch, and that’s where I am right now.

I will say, because it’s my blog and I can be salty if I want, that I don’t think the writing or editing clarified  Mary’s analysis of Sharon’s thought processes, and I wish it had. If it had, I don’t think we’d have had the visceral reaction that Sharon put herself directly in harm’s way. Having listened to WWSRD, I can go back and rewatch those two episodes with an entirely different mindset on Sharon’s motivations and decisions, but without hearing Mary’s thoughts, some of the things she brought up were just not clear in the writing. Too many things were open to interpretation, and there were too many moments of foreshadowing in the scripts and in the editing that just made it look like Sharon was preparing to die. And, from a completely personal standpoint, that was incredibly hard to watch. From her not wanting to be a burden to going to ask for last rites, it seemed a lot less like taking control of her story and a lot more like surrendering to her fate, and it wasn’t a fate that I would choose. Mainly because to me, I’ve always been afraid that my death would be far more of a burden to my loved ones than my life is. Andy is going to have to pack up her clothes and her office. He’s going to have to sort through her finances and make sure her children are taken care of, and ensure that Rusty has the means to make it through law school. He’s going to have to live in the condo she decorated without her, and you guys, the thought of that makes me so sad I can barely stand it. The idea that it would have been easier for her children and Andy if Sharon had just died the first time she went into cardiac arrest…Nope. Nothing about death is easy, but death that comes with no warning is the hardest thing in the world to go through for the people who love you.

Being again true to form, I’m going to bring up my beloved Laura Roslin. She was introduced to us as a character who was dying, and the concept of being the Dying Leader was 100% part of who she was. Her death was awful, and I’m still not over it, but it was also beautiful and meaningful, and those last moments in the Raptor with Adama were very much the culmination of their story. Sharon’s death was…not that. Laura died with Bill, him showing her the beautiful endpoint of everything they’d worked for over the last several years. Sharon died on a gurney, surrounded by strangers, in the ER. Laura found love in spite of her impending death; Sharon died in spite of her happy life. One has poetry and meaning, and the other is just…well, I’m going to reiterate it. It was just cruel. To me, it is the complete opposite of dying doing what you love, and that waiting room scene is probably the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever watched, with her husband and son and the friends she’s come to love over the years kept out of the room, just waiting and hoping, only to be devastated by the doctor coming out to break the news.

As I said in our Fans React podcast, Sharon’s dead. She doesn’t care. Her children and her husband, though, have to figure out how to go on without her. That’s the hardest part of this – that as much as I love Sharon and grieve the loss of this kickass character, I also love the rest of the cast, and they’re going to have to soldier on without her. Watching the last four episodes knowing that they’re going to be in that kind of pain – a pain I think all of us who have lost loved ones understand – it’s hard. It’s really hard. I don’t really want to go through that kind of pain while watching a TV show that I use to escape, because it opens up a lot of things that I don’t even want to think about. Which, frankly, is why I like the “safe spaces” of television – it gives me a little break from dealing with the daily car fires of the real world.

And, to dovetail into Mary’s point about feeling grief, I hope we’re going to be able to do that in the last four episodes, because I need to grieve not only for this character that I love so much, but also for her husband and children and friends, but I’m afraid that we won’t. At its heart, Major Crimes is a crime procedural show. I know the funeral next week is going to probably knock me flat, but I’m also afraid that it will be much like the wedding – overly hyped and then three minutes at the beginning of the episode, and then BAM right into the next plot, and the next plot being the final plot that ties the two series together and omits the two female leads is just so, so disappointing.

The next four episodes will be about Stroh and his backstory and his coming after Rusty, and I know that’s a plot point that has been something like 10 years in the making, but I can’t switch gears that quickly. Nor do I want to, because my involvement with the show over the last several years has absolutely nothing to do with the cases and everything to do with the characters. I knew the Stroh story would have to come to an explosive close, but I never thought it would happen without Brenda or Sharon, and to have neither of them figure in to it just makes me wonder…what’s the point? I know that it’s Rusty’s story, but it’s just as much Sharon’s and even more Brenda’s, and to leave them both out at this point feels like a dismissal of the last 13 years, and to shove it into two nights…so frustrating.

Obviously, TNT has done a huge disservice to Major Crimes, The Closer, and even Duff in the last few years, but ramming the last several episodes into the space of a few weeks might be the worst thing they’ve done. We still have so much left to process, and trying to cram it in over a couple of nights is just really unfair to the fans.

I know life is hard. I bet you all know life is hard as well, or we’d all be out living life and wouldn’t be here on Tumblr obsessing over TV characters. I don’t need to watch TV to be reminded that life is hard, because I have to wake up every day to the dumpster fire that is American politics. I watch TV to escape the idea that life is hard.

(Temporary word-vomiting break to say that yes, HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIES ARE GOOD AND LEAD TO EVEN BETTER FANFIC PROMPTS.)

Now, going back to safe spaces. That phrase is fraught right now, because at the moment Tumblr is my safe space, and GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THAT SAYS. To address Mary’s point about the safe space of TV recognizing the evil in the world and righting it, YES, that is one of the things about MC that I love – that these characters were so deeply flawed, and yet still so moral and ethical. Living in LA, I have to say that MC made me very sympathetic to the LAPD. Every time an old 90’s Crown Vic passes me on the 110 freeway, I think, aww, Provie and Andy still have their old shitty cars from the 90s, rather than panicking about whether or not I’m speeding on the freeway. (I’m never speeding on the freeway, because LA traffic sucks.) But, for a fan, a safe space is a totally different thing, and that’s the space where we have an hour each week to forget about all our worries. MC was that for me, and from this point on, it won’t be. And that, as much as Sharon Raydor, is the loss I’m grieving.

I wouldn’t be so torn up about it if MC had been a dark show from the start, but it wasn’t. Even the hardest episodes to watch – and there have been many – still had humor. There are so many episodes going back to The Closer that I watch again and again because in the midst of murder and chaos, the characters gave a breath of life into the stories. Even going back to the start of MC, with Rusty and Stroh, and Provenza and Sharon going head-to-head, I was so invested in how these interpersonal relationships were going to play out. I didn’t give a shit about the grocery store murderers in that first episode. I cared about how this cast of characters was going to come together, and through the first season they came together through a combination of wit, stubbornness, compassion and intelligence, and it’s those qualities that draw me to people in my own life.

Those characteristics also made me fall hard for Sharon. Most of the women my age on TV are moms who play secondary characters (two things that I’m not and don’t aspire to be), but Sharon Raydor was, from her introduction, a badass police captain who happened to be a mom and happened to be over the age of 40 and happened to be the unapologetic boss. She was important despite (and because of) being a mother and a woman over 40, and she wasn’t willing to be dismissed because she was a mother and a woman over 40. She was important because she was a high-ranking professional, completely at ease with being a woman in a male-dominated field and not afraid to tell men who outranked her to shut up and sit down, and to quote @dillydallyy, shove a feminist foot right up someone’s ass. I’ve worked in television and commercial real estate, both traditionally male-dominated fields, and being the only woman in a room full of men…that’s my life. Every damn day. And to see a woman, not just in the same position but in a leadership role, OMG. Yes, kick them in the ass with your feminist heels and stroll out of the room in your Armani suit.

This kind of character is so rare, especially on network TV and basic cable. I wish I had some statistics handy, but the reality is, it’s rare to find a show that features women in prominent leadership roles, and when we find them, yeah…we’re going to be pissed when they’re taken away. I’m pissed. I’M SO PISSED. I have very little representation to fall back on, especially since I’m a huge cheapskate and I ditched cable TV a year and a half ago.

Speaking of representation, I’d like to go off for about ten thousand words about Sharon Raydor and even Brenda Johnson as powerful role models cast as lead tv characters, the lack of women writers and directors in the media, and what it means to women like myself over the age of (cough) 40 to see a lead character in a highly-rated tv show, but…I just can’t. I’ve been living in a state of feminist rage for a long time now, but I will say that watching Sharon die killed off a little bit of myself that felt so hopeful, especially in a storyline that was so timely in portraying what a woman has to go through to be successful and recognized – or hell, even employed – in the world today. Again, not to pile on James Duff, but killing off the lead female character at the tail end of a story arc that kills off women…it really hurts. It may not have been his intention, but it was my perception as a woman who watches the show. And killing off the lead female character before delving into the last story arc that is going to be the culmination of several years of plot points…listen, I’m with Mary. I don’t like guns. I don’t like violence. I don’t watch this show to watch Sharon Raydor shoot a dirtbag between the eyes with a bb pellet (but HOT DAMN THAT WAS AWESOME), but I also don’t want to see the strong female lead drop dead from a deus ex machina plot point before the story reaches the crucial point that has been building for several seasons. For Sharon to be gone, that means the rest of the story will be told through the male gaze, and…you know, I’m trying to be respectful and trying to be on board with that, but it’s not what I, as a woman, hoped for. I didn’t need Sharon to go in guns a-blazing, but I did need her to be a part of the final chapter of this show and of this story that she was so heavily invested in, because otherwise, how is it not yet another example of the woman dying and the men living on to tell the story? Brenda first and Sharon second were so pivotal in putting Stroh in the crosshairs, and having both of them out of the story…it’s just another cop show with men outgunning men.

I’m seeing a lot of posts right now with people feeling guilty and ashamed about their reactions to what happened on Major Crimes in light of the WWSRD podcast, where Mary expressed discomfort with the fan reaction to Sharon’s death. 

I’ve been a fan of Mary’s for a very long time, and I don’t think for a second that she’s a person to invalidate the legitimate feelings of the fans who have invested so much love and energy into her projects over the years, and particularly into this show and character. Having said that, it’s upsetting to me - as someone who is NOT particularly invested in this show and character - that the takeaway from this podcast seems to be that fans are overreacting or misinterpreting how things played out. You’re not. Whatever feelings you’re having, whatever you’ve expressed on social media, however you’re processing the death of a beloved character and the decisions that led up to it - it’s valid. 

Everyone, Mary included, has the right to their own opinion about Sharon’s death. The cast and crew have shared some of their own, explicitly and less so, and in some cases have sent mixed signals. My interpretation, and yours, of Sharon’s death - both as a storytelling decision and how it played out - is just as valid as Mary’s, and James Duff’s. That’s the beauty of storytelling, and particularly of fandom. Once a story has been put into the world, it’s ours to do with as we please. Canon is a starting point, nothing more; even when something plays out onscreen, we all have different ideas about why and how it happened. 

Mary said that her anger is “a little flared”, and that’s understandable. I know she wants to support this show that she’s poured so much into, and the reaction has been overwhelmingly negative - I’m sure it stings. For years now, though, the fans of this show have been strung along in ways that were unfair even before this happened, and seem downright cruel in retrospect. Be angry. Be sad, be hurt, be confused, be whatever you need to be. Watch the rest of the show, or don’t. Your feelings are valid.

No, I don’t mind at all.

From memory…

Mary is understanding of our feelings but also very protective of her team and wants people to remember that this is not just MM and fans, but this is Tony and GW, and everyone else in front and behind the camera.

She suggested mercy for Duff. Not agreement but to tone it down with the more negative expressions.

She spoke about being the prime person who knows Sharon and said it was totally in character to forget herself in the moment of demanding justice. (On that one I see her point, but I also think we are too quick to dismiss the mother-instinct of surviving to protect our loved ones, and that to me is even more authentic to the character of Sharon. But that is my opinion.)

She spoke about the historic significance of MC and the character of SR, at this time in the political reality of the US. The importance of a strong woman of ethical character as a beacon when so many are watching the opposite in the culture at large. In this there was also a reference to the sexual exploitation in Hollywood and how having strong women represented plays a significant role in fans choosing to become strong women themselves.

She spoke about pain and grief being in proportion to the love of the one lost, and how profound a realization that was.

She spoke around the cultural importance of MC, and Meena brought up the fact that the loss of SR is probably amplified because there are no other characters or shows anywhere in TV that presented what MC presented in terms of thoughtful, ethical programming. That even with all of their quirks, the characters in MC had a very solid ethical basis. That will be missed by cast, crew and fans alike.

She spoke about the significance of the fans in the continued success of the show when the last three years have been under a regime that had zero interest in supporting and promoting it. She credits the fans with keeping the emotional ball afloat along with the atmosphere Duff et al provided.

She highlighted how the podcast was encouraged and supported by all the cast and crew, and they really appreciated the wealth of insight from fans. Our collective intelligence was noted. 😁

And she reminded everyone that she was still here, and that Sharon was still here in the hearts and creativity of her fans. My interpretation of that is that Sharon is now free to be the fans’ creation and no longer restricted by continuing canon.

It went on for over an hour so there is more, but that was the gist is it.

She was a little angry at the more aggressive fans dismissing the big picture, and really urged us to watch it to the end, that it might give us a different perspective. She didn’t say she would guarantee it, just to give it a chance.

Guys, I wanted the WWSRD podcast to make me feel better, and it did, to this extent: I am happy that Sharon was not purposely giving up on her life. I think that the writing made it seem that way because let’s face it, it seemed so rushed, how she told Andy she wished she had just died in the ambulance, how she asked for her last rites, how she seemed so “at peace”, how she filmed something with Buzz’s help, how she ignored her health and got worked up while interrogating that woman…

Mary did make me realize that it wasn’t the intention. But unfortunately, our thoughts were valid as again, it was a very rushed situation. Mary has to take into consideration that she knew weeks and weeks ahead of time that Sharon was going to die, we only knew for sure the moment the doctor confirmed it at the very end of 6x9.

I also agree with her that we need to shift our anger into our grief because like it or not, Sharon Raydor is gone. And it hurts. A lot. We have to let her go and we have to remember that she was an amazing woman, even if we hated the way her life and storyline had to end. So I will at least watch episode 6x10. I have to see her funeral and I have to mourn her through seeing Andy’s grief and Rusty’s grief and all of the others. I do not know if I will be watching the final three. I’ll see how I feel after I see 6x10.

Now, with that being said, the rest of the podcast almost made me feel as if Mary was having a hard time stepping outside of her relationship with James Duff, and how he has made us, the loyal fans, feel. He may be her friend, but I am sorry to say, he has not been ours. I remember what he did to one of the most loyal fans/followers of Major Crimes during a Facebook Live session, and that alone was enough to turn me off from him permanently.

He also trolled us, so many times I can’t even count. Made it seem like Sharon and then later on, the Shandy ship, would have so much to offer us and while it did in the sense of Mary and Tony’s performances, I do not think the writing itself did them their due justice. So much of their relationship was omitted, and so much of Sharon’s life IN GENERAL was omitted. Meanwhile, Rusty Beck (the character Duff said was modeled after him), ended up having so much meaty stuff to do, and we knew damned near every little thing about the kid. That to me never made sense once we were well into the series and Rusty’s storylines began to no longer be apart of Sharon’s. You can’t have Mary McDonnell as your TOP-BILLED actress, put her character second to a talented, but pretty unknown actor, and not expect the fans to be upset by this.

Mary may have been satisfied with what she was given to work with all these years, and I’m happy that she feels that way. I also understand why she feels protective of this show as it reflects on, as she said, not just the actors but the writers and the crew, but this storyline was still pretty unnecessary. I know that things in life do not always end happily, and that the art we watch should reflect that, again, as Mary herself said….but this made no sense to me at all. She was a perfectly healthy, vibrant woman prior to episode 6x01, and there were a million ways to end this show besides killing her off, 4 episodes before the series ended. Mary can defend James all she wants, but we, the viewers, know that what James really wanted was to let Rusty shine in the end, because Rusty reflects on HIM, just as Brenda did in The Closer.

Mary may have had top billing, and she may have also had the top salary, but was she really the main character? I bet if you ask James Duff, he would say yes. But we know the truth. The main character in James’ eye was always Rusty Beck, and he will be the hero of this series.