This Headache Is Killing Me
āHowās it going Sarah?ā
Thatās my current response when friends ask me how Iām doing.
Weird right? It seems as though Iāve almost dodged the question entirely, but the truth is, I donāt know the answer.Ā
What I do know is right now there is air in my lungs, my heart is beating, and Iāve got a massive headache that wonāt go away.
Really, the only way I know Iām alive is because of the headache, the whole lung and heart thing just sounds poetic.
This dang headache is killing me but maybe itās also keeping me alive.
My mind is everywhere per usual - is that what causes a headache?Ā
I should take some Tylenol but then thatās just another pill on top of the others which isnāt appealing no matter how much it could help.
Now Iām just rambling but at least Iām alive to do so.Ā
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you actually know me, you know this day is one of the most important days of the year to me.
This year though, it is hard and I donāt want to do it - I donāt want to tell people how much life is worth living.Ā
I donāt know why this year is different. Maybe I havenāt addressed my own feelings. Maybe Iāve been too busy telling others they should stay alive that I have neglected to tell myself that I too should stay.
Maybe today is just an off day and gosh, this headache is killing me.
What I do know is, I want to write songs that people hate but I love because thatās me in the song.
I want to drink coffee that people think is gross but I push through the bitterness because Iām stubborn and want to be different.
I want another tattoo that people will say they like but actually hate and say Iām crazy for getting because Iāll hate the band in a few years.Ā
I want this headache to go away.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I hope you stay for your headache.
I hope you struggle and push through because some day itāll be worth it - at leastĀ thatās what Iāve been told so letās find out if they were telling us the truth.
Itās easier to just end it, but Iām stubborn and canāt take the easy way out.
Iāve written the letters before, but there was too many to write. Itās crazy that the moment I gave in to the thoughts and finally starting writing those letters, was the exact moment I realized I had to stay. I was too lazy to write so many letters and knew I owed people a personal explanation.
Maybe itāll take you writing letters too, but IĀ hope you get lazy like me and realize people care about you.
If nothing else, letās just make it to the day the headache goes away.
When that day comes, you can sit with me and weāll re-evaluate over that coffee that you hate.
So until then, I hope you know that headache is worth having because it means youāre still alive too.