#ws:lovesick

it’s only three month into the year, and han already feels like he’s worked harder than all last year combined.

maybe he’s being a little dramatic, but the past few weeks have been extra chaotic — preparing and showcasing a comeback, immediately followed by not one but two stages for lovesick music. needless to say, any moment the leader wasn’t practicing, he could be found asleep on whatever vertical surface was nearest to him.

having been a trainee for so long, han hadn’t expected how much more stressed out he would be once he’d debuted. he’d been close to it before and he’d felt so confident but now, it felt as though the world would fall apart if he didn’t do everything right. it was a worry he hid well from his own members, but something that was slowly eating at him from the inside out.

the only way to push this anxiety down, at least somewhat, was to practice. endless hours spent in empty rooms, eyes glued to the mirror as he repeated movements over and over again until he was sure he wouldn’t mess them up. with lovesick around the corner, han had thrown himself even more into his practice, often being the last of his group to leave the yuseong building and the first to enter it in the morning.

after four years of living with chronic pain, he’d learned plenty of tricks to manage his conditions but the way he’d been overworking himself in the weeks preceding lovesick, he knew from the worried glances his members and staff would give him that he wasn’t managing as well as he thought. but, really, it was just a few more days and then he could rest, let his body recover and sleep for more than two hours at a time. he just needed a little more time, one last push over the finish line and then everything would be fine.

everything would be fine.

he should’ve known. he should’ve known as soon as he woke up that something was wrong. he’d made the mistake of putting it down to the anxiety of performing two stages that day, one of which would be with members of phoenix. it would be the first time he’d shared a stage with any of them since he left the group, so it had to be anxiety. 

right?

going through the usual routine, han slept in the car and in the makeup chair, up until he heard his group called. the performances themselves were being prerecorded, but there would still be fans in the crowd, fans who had maybe never seen BLUE.M and would judge them for not giving their all.

that must be the feeling in his bones, just a little bout of performance anxiety. it doesn’t surprise him that BLUE.M does well, but he’s still proud of his members for giving it their all. he hopes the crowd enjoyed their cover and that they did it justice, but he’d have to wait until the day the performance was released to really get any type of feedback. before he can worry too much about it, he’s whisked away to prepare for the collab stage, but not before making minho and subin promise they won’t do anything stupid while he’s gone.

they probably will, but whatever they do will probably be funny somehow, so it’s okay.

it’s the last thought he has as he climbs up on stage, hearing blossoms and rubys cheer along together. it brings a warm feeling to his chest, memories of four years ago still fresh in his mind. he takes a breath to settle his nerves before the music starts, shooting danny a look as the group gets into position.

the movements of the choreography come to his easily — as they should, for how much he’d practiced them. he’s positive he might even be able to do this dance in his sleep if he really wanted to. 

and then it all goes wrong.

it’s not even a minute into the song, and it’s like time slows down. what he was supposed to do was climb up on the cube, stand, and let himself drop back down barely a foot. he’s practiced that exact move about a million times. it should be easy.

the shooting pain in his knee momentarily knocks the wind out of him, and it takes his all to force his eyes not to tear up. the way he’d been overworking his body recently, coupled with his rheumatoid arthritis that he hadn’t been taking care of properly lately caused a perfect storm and, of course, this had to happen while he was on stage.

han realizes he has to make a decision, and only has about a split second to do it. keep going or stop, fight through it or admit defeat. 

he can’t do it.

he can’t.

a second ago, his thoughts had been on lyrics and dance moves and, just like that, they switched over to keeping a straight face. the cameras were still on them and he knew people had been looking forward to this collab stage. hell, he had been looking forward to it probably more than anyone.

so he keeps going. he keeps going even though every step brings a new shooting pain, even though it takes all his concentration to keep his voice from wavering. 

the next two minutes feel like the two longest minutes of his life.

he keeps it together for the rest of the performance, even standing around for a bit after the ending fairies so that the directors can confirm that they got the shots they wanted, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he tastes blood. as soon as it’s called, he does his best not to limp in front of the crowd, a slow shuffle back to the backstage area where he beelines straight for the blue.m manager.

and then he hears the dreadful words, “finished.”

involuntarily, yeonsu opens his eyes to take a look at his reflection in the mirror before he gives a satisfied nod.

“thank you noona,” yeonsu gives the artist a small smile before pushing himself off the chair and heading towards the door. he’s a bit envious of his the other members who are still seated in their chairs getting their makeup and hair done. if only he could be them and get in a few winks.

but he doesn’t mind it too much and instead goes on a search for something to munch on.

the last time they had eaten properly was a few hours ago and he was starting to feel the tinge of hunger playing at the edges of his stomach. a light snack and drink would definitely suffice considering they were going to be on stage soon. and he knows exactly which drink it is that’ll satiate his appetite until they get to eat later.

a cool smooth orange juice.

except for some reason, at the broadcasting company, he’s only found one vending machine that sells it. to top it off, the vending machine was one tucked away in the far corner where there weren’t many people around on the third floor. seeing as it’s only one floor below, yeonsu doesn’t mind the short trip and figures it’ll be nice to get away from all the hustle and bustle going on with preparations for prerecordings.

just as he gets to the stairwell, the door is pulled open and he’s met with a flushed looking female. she seems caught off-guard and nervous. in his surprise, he fails to notice the lack of employee badge hanging around her neck and instead catches the small bag of chocolates in her hands.

before yeonsu can say anything, she beats him to it, timidly asking, “i-i’m sorry… do you know where clover’s room is? i’m a new intern and lost my way around the floors.”

to that, yeonsu doesn’t question it considering he’s seen a fair share of lost and confused interns.

“ah, they’re just down the hall. go to the very end and their room is on the left side.”

as he steps to the side, she nods in thanks and begins to walk past him. he waits for her to continue but she suddenly spins around to face him again.

“y-you’re yeon from phoenix right? would you like some chocolates? i’ve been tasked to hand some out to artists as little gifts,” she says before pulling a small neatly packed one in her bag, holding it out to yeonsu.

he figures why not? he had been looking for a light snack to begin with anyway and seeing as it was white day it wouldn’t hurt to have some chocolates.

“thank you,” yeonsu says before she turns and scurries away, giving him no chance to initiate anymore conversation. he brushes her behavior off as simply being nervous and starts towards the third floor. as he’s going down the stairs, he pops a few pieces of chocolate into his mouth while humming quietly.

///

“ten minutes until phoenix’s stage!”

everyone is talking over each other as stylists are putting together the lasts of the member’s outfits together.

“where’s yeonsu?” a stylist yells over the crowd as she begins running around the room frantically. “he still needs to put these pieces on before his mic gets set up! he was supposed to be here five minutes ago!”

it’s then that yeonsu comes hobbling from the back of the room, using the wall to hold himself up.

“i’m right here,” he calls out weakly.

and that’s when the stylist gasps and hurriedly runs to this side.

even with the makeup he has on, they can see how pale he’s gone with the hollow expression he has on his face. there are beads of sweat that stick on his forehead and temples and he looks like he’s about to fall over at any second.

“what’s wrong? you look sick! minhyeon!”

with that, the makeup artist who had been working on him earlier comes running over before her eyes pop wide open. she immediately grabs tissues and begins dabbing yeonsu’s face while the stylist continues with putting on the last accesories of his outfit.

“what happened? you guys are going up in a few minutes and you look like you’re about to fall over.”

yeonsu shakes his head, trying to brush everyone’s concern and the worried looks cast from his members away.

“i’m fine. i think i just ate something bad,” yeonsu explains as he lets the artist touch up his face.

“we need to get to stage, you guys are on in four minutes,” his manager finally pipes up after hearing that he wasn’t feeling well.

yeonsu simply nods before pushing himself off the wall as the stylist helps fit his earpiece in and secures his microphone transmitter to his pants. he knows from how frantically the artist is trying to add to his makeup how bad he must look. so, yeonsu smiles past a grimace as he stands up straight and begins following his members filing out the door.

it’s a statement made in vain. but one of effort to convince everyone else, and remind himself that he just has to.