I remember back in 2018 before I flew to the UK, my doctor told me I had UTI, peptic ulcer, and a weak heart. It seemed the enemy didn’t want me to go to the UK. My body can’t cope with my active mind that’s why I had those, imagine being in bed for a week and a half, and everything was getting numb, my hands stiffened due to the acid in my body, couldn’t sleep well because I had major headaches, and I threw up several times a day.
Now 2 years have passed and I’ve recovered from UTI, peptic ulcer, and from having a weak heart, but to be honest, I don’t think I really recovered from having a weak heart, because when I get hurt I embrace it until it is no more, now you might think it’s a strong move, but I have a habit of putting myself in an emotionally and mentally straining situation that my heart pumps so fast and my chest tightens sometimes, and to no surprise it’s one of those times again, overwhelmed by a degree of self-loathing, frustrations, and pain, I sulk and overthink situations, building walls and tearing them over and over again, I feel so trapped that I might die of asphyxiation.
Oh, I wish you, the reader, understood this feeling of being caged. It’s all in the mind they say, but what of the heart? Who should I follow? My heart deceives me with its passions, it is so stubborn, that if I follow it, my mind is led to believing its truth, but if I follow my mind, I believe my sanity will escape me sooner or later, either way my body will suffer from both of them, but this begs the question, which one do I follow?
maybe the problem is me or maybe the problem is the external stimuli in which causes a chemical imbalance in my heart and mind? Bottom line is that all of this robs me of the peace I want, peace of mind and of heart.
Funny thing is that sometimes I have those moments wherein I stare into the dark and let the clock run, hearing its arms tick, listening to the music I love, shutting the world off, only to be halted once the sun goes up and then the buzz of people ruins everything. Will this be the sort of peace I deserve? No, I want consistent peace of mind and peace of heart.
I think I’ll end it here, because if you dive in too deep in my head, you might get caught in my insanity when you reflect on those same questions as I’ve asked myself. Well, what can I say? I’ve got a lot in my mind that’s why I’m bad at small talks.
