#writetag

Keiko stood opposite Yusuke in his hotel room, arms crossed and face stern. They’d been like that for a long moment now, Yusuke eyeing her warily as her expression only grew stormier. His patience broke first.

“So how was the —”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” The question exploded out of her as she swung her arms wide open, making him flinch.

“Would you have believed me?” he countered.

“You died,” she reminded him. “And then you came back. Do you think anything weirds me out these days?”

“I was trying to —“

“If that sentence ends with ‘protect you’, I will slap you.” He fell silent, mouth curling downwards in a frustrated frown. “I’ve put up with a lot of shit from you, Yusuke.” He blinked.

“When did you start swearing?”

“When you started disappearing for six months at a time!” She threw her hands up. “Which is what I’m talking about! No, even before that — the drinking, the smoking, the skipping class —“ She was counting on her fingers and looked up at him on the last item. “The sexual harassment —“

“Okay, okay.” He cut her off, hands raised in surrender. “I’m a piece of shit, you’ve always known that. But this is...this is different, Keiko. This is big different. You don’t und —“

“Then explain it to me.” Her arms were back at her sides, her anger draining out of her and leaving behind exhaustion. He was frowning again, and most people would take that for anger but she could read him like no one else could — could see the wrinkle between his eyes, and the way his lips were pursed. He wasn’t angry, he was worried.

“It’s a lot.” It was almost a whisper, and she stepped closer.

“I’m here,” she replied. “Everything I’ve seen just today, and I’m still here.” Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. “I’ve been here, through all of it, and if you don’t realize by now that I want to be a part of your life no matter what happens...I don’t know what to do with you.”

He snorted. “That’s always been true.”

She smiled, despite herself. “It has. But I’m still trying.” She bit her lip. “Talk to me, Yusuke.”

The furrow in his brow deepened but he said nothing, and Keiko felt her frustration come rushing back.

“Alright,” she said, stepping away and tossing her hands up. “Fine. You don’t want me to know things, fine. I’ll make it easy on you.” She spun on her heel and marched towards the door, tears stinging her eyes more fully now. “Goodnight, Yusuke.”

She had one hand on the knob when she felt something close around her other. She spun around, fully prepared to smack him away, but stopped when she saw his face. The worry was still there, clearer than it had been before. Fear, too, and she wondered not for the first time what he had been through that replaced permanent cockiness with that kind of fright.

“Nobody expected me to die saving a little kid,” he told her. His voice was rough, like he had to force the words out. “They didn’t know what to do with me, either. So I was just a ghost.”

i think primarily, the reason ‘bad people’ have so much sway in the world is that people are scared. of others, of the world at large, of themselves, you name it. and a lot of times it’s easier to deal with that fear by shutting things out. sure, you might not have friends who know what keeps you up at night or you might see nothing but concrete on your walk home because you’re nervous to look up and catch someone’s eye, but there’s safety in anonymity.

and people with a tendency towards unhealthy, toxic behaviors often put an awful lot of effort into hiding the fact they’re abusive and toxic. i think on a subconscious level, we recognize someone who’s trying to hide who they really are even more than we are, and we gravitate towards them because it’s a lot easier to build a friendship on the premise of “we’re both fucked up but i don’t need to know what you do behind closed doors, so let’s go see a movie” than one that’s honest and more emotionally grounded, and a lot more work to maintain. i’m thinking of that gatsby quote about large parties being intimate because there’s no privacy in small parties.

and then there’s the obvious go to answer, that we have an inherent urge to Fix Things, especially people. which we can’t, but i know at least with me, it’s very easy to pick out the troubled face in a crowd, and my first instinct is to wonder how i can help them be less troubled. like maybe if you love them enough they’ll learn to love back. (DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS.)  i’m thinking of another quote, usual suspects this time, about how the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. it’s so true. lucifer was an angel, he was god’s favorite and if you think about it, he’s really just a poor, lonely, cast out sinner who needs more prayers and love than the whole world put together. nah.

lucifer’s mistake was that he thought he was the only one who was broken, and deserved god’s love. as such, often abusers and toxic people are practically begging to be loved, because at their core, they’re the same as everybody else. they’ve got this lonely fearful thing inside them that needs to be understood, but they make the grave mistake of thinking that the world, or their partner, or their friends and family are a) responsible for this darkness, and b) obligated to fix it. they have no clue how to live with themselves and it consumes them, and their victims too, because darkness is corrosive, and when encouraged, it festers and spreads. you can not live for these people. the only thing that can break them out of their self-perpetuating cycles of torture and misery is their own desire and motivation to break them, instead of continuing to make their issues everyone’s problem but their own.

sadness and isolation and self-destructiveness aren’t beautiful. they won’t make you feel better about yourself if someone has them worse. they won’t shrink back when you touch them, they’ll latch on. if your first instinct upon meeting someone isn’t to say hi and befriend them or carry on with your day, but to give away your precious little slice of light to try and fix them, you better take several steps back, put up every barrier you have, and do not think twice about pushing them away. and whatever you do, don’t start putting yourself in their shoes. everyone has their issues, and inversely, everyone has something about them that shines as bright as the sun, but you can’t construct a person out of first impressions and what color socks they’re wearing, especially not someone with a monster curled in their chest, eating at them and waiting to eat at you too. your instincts are almost always right, and you’re no worse a person for turning away from that person everyone flocks to who you just can’t seem to feel right around.

my mom always told me there is no excuse not to extend someone basic human kindness, and i believe her. no matter what you’re going through or who you are, there are seven billion people fighting the same battles in their own unique ways. smile, even if it’s forced. give compliments and show small kindnesses where you can, but don’t mistake this for opening your heart to just anyone, and as a general rule of thumb, be hesitant to trust anyone who says they have a good reason for treating anyone else as less than human.