Atticusās big brown eyes, which had appeared vulnerable and watery with unshed tears just moments before suddenly narrowed and took on a strangely fiery quality.Ā āJust give up?ā He asked through clenched teeth, his hands that had been playing carelessly with his sweater suddenly balled into fists at his sides.Ā āFuck you, Racer.ā He spat quietly, unable to control his body which was now shaking as a swell of emotions rose up within him. He tried hard to swallow but found it almost impossible, a sudden lump in his throat making it hard to do much of anything.Ā āI have tried everything to make this work.ā He said, gasping a little at the end of his statement, finding it hard to catch his breath now.Ā āI have bent over backwards to make you feel comfortable because I love you, you idiot.ā He said, hot tears now leaking down his cheeks despite his best efforts to stop them.Ā āAnd yeah, I know that probably freaks the hell out of you, but I just donāt give a shit anymoreā Atticusās voice was rising, the flames from his eyes slowly reaching down and taking hold of his lungs.Ā āI am so fucking tiredĀ of pretending to be someone Iām not!ā His long thin fingers began carding through his unruly curls and tugging hard against him, praying that this momentary physical pain would distract him from the rip inside his very chest.Ā āWhen we decided to try this whole thing, you know what you told me? You told me to play it cool. And I played it cool, Race. You said you didnāt want to tell anyone? So I didnāt speak a word of it. Not even to Ell. You said we were going too slow? So we went faster. You said we were moving too fast? So we took it down a notch. Whatever you wanted, I did. And I would do it all again in a heartbeat just to see you smileā He said, closing his eyes to avoid Racerās.Ā āSo do notĀ for one minute imply that I am justĀ āgiving upāāĀ
When he opened his eyes, the fire was gone and all that was left was despair. There was a long moment of silence between the two of them and then finally Atticus spoke again, this time in a voice barely louder than a whisper.Ā āI really do love you, you know. Youāre the most important person I have in my lifeā¦ But I told you, I canāt keep pretending to be something Iām not.ā He took a shaky breath before becoming resolved once more, his voice becoming a little more firm. āIāve already come out, Race. I did my time in the closet and it was absolute hell for me. Please, please donāt ask me to do it again.ā He wiped the rest of the tears that had fallen while he spoke the the back of his sleeve and sniffled a little. There was another pause and silence filled the air between them once more. None of the companionable kind heād grown used to in Racerās company. No, this was suffocating and awkward. It was finally broken when Race decided to speak again, his voice softer than Atticus had ever heard it. He let out a humorless laugh.Ā āYouāre such a dumb ass sometimes.ā He said, looking back up and giving him a small sad smile.Ā āI can never leave you. Not really anyway. You mean to much to meā¦ā He searched Racerās eyes for a moment and then pulled his bottom lip between his teeth in thought. āJust donāt make me wait around forever, okay?ā With that he took a stride forward, leaned in and left a kiss on Racerās cheek. He pulled back slowly, sure to look at him one last time before he let his hand slowly retract from his shoulder and he moved towards the door; eager to leave before Racer could see or hear the sobs that were slowly rising in his throat.
