i.
Ā Ā Jesse had seen some fucked up shit before. But there was nothing quite like watching the head of someone you care about being parted with their body.
Ā Ā Horror.
The scream tore out of his throat as soon as the blade had inched near her neck. It was muffled of course, from the material tightly wrapped around his mouth. Heād put up a fight earlier and had been āsilencedā as a repercussion, but there was no hiding the strangled cry that left Jesse when she fell.
He was glad it hadnāt been in slow motion. Maybe then, one day in the future, it wouldnāt be so fresh in his mind, replaying over and over again. It was messy, it was sickening, it was quick. And it was absolutely terrifying.
Ā Fear.
He was expecting a few punches; even her getting dragged out of the room. But when the tall, basically naked creep had pulled out an axe, Jesseās eyes had almost popped out of his head. He hadnāt even said goodbye. He hadnāt said anything at all. In fact, Jesse hadnāt spoken in hours.
All the blood felt like it had drained from his face, but Jesse didnāt pass out. He wanted to throw up though; not that there was anything to throw up. But he didnāt do that either. Not yet, anyway. Because Jesse had gone into shock. He felt both hot and cold, and for some reason, no matter how many times he yelled out, the noise drowning alongside the other screams of panic in the room, he couldnāt tear his eyes away from the sight of her body. Images of Jane flashed behind his eyes, her body lying discarded on the bed underneath him; the loss of someone heād loved more than anything in the world. And now Cora was gone, too.
Ā Re-experience.
There wasnāt a label on their relationship; mostly because they hadnāt been bothered to put one on there. But Jesse knew theyād been close. As close as two people with totally fucked up pasts, a fear of fire, and a drug addiction could be, anyway. Sheād smoked with him the first day heād walked down the stairs into Fourteen. Sheād had connections, her brother, but really, sheād been new too. Theyād been introduced to the rebellion together. And they had been there for each other; her heat, her coma, his birthday, his sickness. Derekās death. Jesse had just been learning to forgive himself, to find another way to deal with his past, and move on from Walt, move on from Jane, and make relationships with people who wouldnāt use him just because they thought they could. Now, it seemed like all that hope had been cut off.. just like Cora had been.
Why did he keep choosing to trust people, to let them in and learn to depend on them if they just kept dying? When was he going to learn?
Ā Helplessness.
He was the bad guy. That was why.
Suddenly, Jesse could breathe again, and all he wanted to do was shoot up and never think about anything again.
Ā Avoidance.
