So the last thing that happened within a system, was the child alter getting enraged, throwing a tantrum, fronting, throwing a rage fit in real life, and helping me realize they were not a persecutor at all, but just a child alter misdirecting rage and self hatred. Before they fronted, their world was a field of fire, with an abandoned wooden house that was half-burned, and with a cold basement. Before fronting, they destroyed that world and turned it into a world of lava, and it fell apart. I thought this would later reset and go back to normal, but it didn’t.

Instead, their world is now a single cave, somewhere deep in the mountains, and they’re hiding inside. I felt they were being playful at first, and I believe they were for a bit, but eventually, they got consumed by grief. It makes sense, I used to experience severe fits of rage, only to fall into grief afterwards, so it feels very natural for this to be the progression of it. I was trying to push the child alter forward in any way I could before, and now, when I stopped it from misdirecting rage, it happened naturally.

However, I’m not allowed into the cave, only the demon alter can go inside (I assume this is because it doesn’t talk and functions like a pet), and the child alter hasn’t spoken to me ever since the world became a cave.

I’m feeling the grief in the background, it’s not actively consuming me, however, my body pain went up by 150%, at this point I can’t do anything to make it ease. My shoulders, neck and back hurt constantly, and my energy levels are so low, every time I need to do something, I get anxious and worried if I’ll be able to complete the task. My diet is also completely controlled by the child alter, whereas before I could eat whatever I wanted, and only give in to child’s wants if I wanted to, now I will actively feel nauseous if I try to eat any of my preferred foods. My appetite only craves the food child alter likes, which are sweets and comfort meals I had as a child. This is difficult to achieve since it’s more complicated to make, and a lot of that stuff is just out of my budget now.

The amazing thing about all this is that I no longer have a persecutor-y voice in my head at all. Nobody insulted me for ages. I don’t know if the child alter will still do it once their grief eases up, but right now, there’s no self hatred in any bit of me. Feels weird to even write down, no part of me hates me anymore. We’re grieving but we don’t hate ourselves.