#world optimization

Naive position: "Things are bad, but we know a lot about the world. There's hope."

Less naive position: "Things are bad, and we actually know little about the world. There's no hope."

First off, I’m assuming you mean a D&D 3.5 wizard, since that’s your main D&D version. I’m going to assume I have an intelligence of 16 or so. High, but not crazily so. This is important because I have 3+Int mod first level spells at first level, plus all the 0th level spells. I’m also being generous and assuming I can pick what spells I start with- something that you totally do in a game, but then again we can also pick our sex, height, and weight in a D&D game, and I was totally not consulted on being a 150 pound bag of bones throughout high school. 

Spells: Mount, Silent Image, Disguise Self, Comprehend Languages, Unseen Servant. (Charm Person made a really good case, but that’s probably unethical.) Probably not banning any spell schools, as much of a pansy as that makes me. 

Comprehend Languages is ridiculously useful. Not for being able to skip German class or whatever, because I can’t speak other languages, but I’d be a great help to archaeologists. Forget the Rosetta Stone- Every single ancient language I can read like I was raised to it. This gets even better if you think of a code or cipher as a language- can I read encrypted email? Understand the true meaning of code phrases? Probably not the last, maybe not the second, but even the first is totally worth doing.

Unseen Servant is a given. First off, I never have to do laundry again. It might even be able to cook. While not a benefit to the world, the convenience is wonderful. Depending on how fast it cleans, I might be able to make a decent side job as a maid, coming to someone’s house and letting the servant do all the work while I read a book. 

Silent Image could just be cool special effects- depending of the fidelity of the image and how they react to cameras, I might be able to do a decent job doing what CGI normally does. Depending on my fine control, I might be able to make a killing at Vegas. (I bet on boxcars, and low and behold the pips on the dice show boxcars! Roulette is trickier, but still doable. If I’ve got great control, maybe I can do cards too.) 

Disguise Self has lots of uses- for starters, I might not need to buy a suit again. I can just wear a tee shirt and jeans and make an illusion. Zits? Not an issue. Bad hair day? Nope. How about a six pack? Granted, the short time limit puts a damper on some of the fun I might have, but I can at least check how I’ll look with a different haircut. 

Mount is just for kicks. The list took a definite downturn after Comprehend Languages, didn’t it? From solving some of the oldest questions in a field to having a horse because I want a horse but can’t be assed to actually get a horse. But there really isn’t much else in level one. But there’s an important question.

Do I level up?

D&D has you level up after fighting things. On the one hand, my opportunity to murder for my own minor profit is far more curtailed than your average adventurer, but nonlethal fights count (just at a reduced rate.) It would not be hard to find several martial artists even worse than me and just spend a few weeks sparring. Assuming I won half the time and could have twelve fights a day (Not that unreasonable- the bouts don’t take long, but I would have to recover from getting beaten up) I’d level up on a normal adventurer schedule. Even if I could only have one fight a day and was still eating the reduced rate for non-lethal, as long as it was working there’s no good reason not to. There are… some seriously impressive things I could do if allowed to level up, even assuming I don’t get anything but spells. 

Clone is the ultimate health insurance. Sympathy to find endangered animals. Simulacrum to double my productivity. Disneyland with Permanent Images. Polymorph would be a godsend to the trans community. Transformation during difficult surgeries, or maybe a well timed Temporal Stasis. Actually no, Temporal Stasis for anyone nearing death we can, using Wish for the material cost- Fuck the natural order.  Refuge for any dangerous expedition. Irresistible Dance to prank my friends. Repeatedly use Mass Fox’s Cunning on think tanks, and Mass Cat’s Grace and Mass Bull’s Strength on sports teams for petty cash. 

I've actually given this some thought. As we've seen, pure capitalism results in widespread poverty. Unfortunately, humans can't actually do true communism. At least not as I understand it. Besides, that wouldn't let me live in the lavish opulence I deserve. (just kidding! maybe.)

As a benevolent but iron-fisted dictator, I would have to control all essential human needs: water, power, food, shelter, internet access, things like that.

In order to provide everybody with at least decent quality of living, a certain level of basic necessities would be provided to every citizen: a small living space, healthcare, nutritious food rations, power, internet access, and other things I can't think of off the top of my head.

For more extravagant things, such as larger homes, luxury foods, non-medical-necessity massage, etc., you would have to pay out of pocket. These would not be government controlled businesses--these would be privately owned, allowing citizens to own, operate, or work for a nongovernmental enterprise for their own monetary gain.

Farmers, power technicians, and any other profession relevant to a basic human need would have a government-controlled provider, though private providers would not be forbidden. It's simply that you would have to purchase the farmland to set up a farm, or build a generator to provide power. It can also be hard to compete with a provider that doesn't operate at a large profit margin.

Taxes would, of course, support things like free healthcare and basic housing. Sales tax, property tax on non-basic housing, a portion of interest on loans, everything would send something back to the government, which would then be paid back out in the form of free healthcare, basic housing, pay for government employees, etc.

I'm not an economist, but the basic goal of the system is to combine a government that helps every citizen with a system that allows people to innovate and make their own fortune.

In addition, any citizen with an idea for a more efficient method may petition the government for a grant to create a proof-of-concept and/or half ownership in the endeavor. Should the citizen succeed, the government adopts the new method and employs the citizen, or allows the citizen to privatize and compete with the government (who still has about half-ownership, a silent partner that collects a portion of the profits) for customers, depending on circumstance. For example, a new breakthrough in healthcare would have to be sold to the government for a lump sum or ongoing stipend, and possibly a job offer as a government sponsored researcher; a new type of car engine, however, could be allowed to compete with other privately owned automotive designers and manufacturers.

I haven't quite worked out how to deal with artists and writers without it seeming like government propaganda, but at least they will always have housing, food, power, and internet while they do their thing. Possibly bringing the patronage system back; having wealthy citizens and government officials support individual writers/artists so they can continue their work? Maybe anonymously, so that nobody accuses the government of having favorites. I'll figure it out.

I can't think of anything else right now, but I'm sure I'm leaving something out. And I'm also sure that the system I'm outlined has many flaws and a bit of an authoritarian approach, but the only authority I've ever really trusted was me. But that's what my army of economists will be there for: to make it work. Somehow.

Well, first I'd be like, "dude, calm down, you've got a time machine, we can afford a moment of calm discussion; clear communication prevents the situation from getting worse."

And then I'd be like, "YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE WHERE AND WHEN DID YOU GET IT HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH PARADOXES DO THEY RESOLVE THEMSELVES OR ARE THEY SUPER DANGEROUS IS THIS HOW I CEMENT MY RULE OVER THE WORLD DID YOU BRING ME THE STOCK MARKET FIGURES?"

And then I'd be like, "wait what kids tell me more but not too much but explain please."

This is Mark’s new title.

A billion, huh? Well, with a billion dollars, I'd probably open up that 24 hour bookstore and library. That's probably enough to get a good location, a good stock, equipment and people, right? I'd certainly like to think so. I'd also put some of it in high-interest savings accounts in a few different banks. Well, okay, I'd hire a really good accountant to do that for me, and also to find good investments. I want my money to make me even more money, you know?

Finally, I'll start looking into buying an island or something to set up my first Lair. If you're going to rule the world, you're going to need at least a few good Lairs, you know? That much money would probably get me an appointment with any architect I wanted to meet.