#wordsfrommyhead

It isn't food insecurity.

It isn't violence.

It isn't poverty.

Its capitalism and white supremacy.

I grew up in such a hard mental environment. It's really hard to explain without writing an actual novel, but as I grow and learn more and more in this life, I realize just how off it was. Im learning to see how much it has effected my ability to connect, to have relationships, to want to be seen (currently my biggest obstacle), to parent, to know my value and decide my destiny. I realize how lost or frozen I can sometimes feel when certain things happens or someone says something a certain way. So much distrust, manipulation and broken bridges. This is life, it happens, and I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. But it's added an extra edge to everything I have ever overcome or gone through.

So instead of turning completely off and living in survival mode forever, I have been learning how to just breathe and be h e r e.

I don't do things that dont sit well with my soul, that do not feel right with my life or my family. Period.

I am learning how to speak from my soul, unapologetically. Keeping in mind that our mouths should have three gatekeepers-

is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

I am learning what it means to be S E E N. And honestly, the concept is mostly terrifying to me. To let new people in, to put myself out there. Most of us feel that way to some degree, it makes us vulnerabl, so it's understandable.

But this is a deep fear. And I am not really sure why I am writing this, it just felt right, thinking about all of this just now, I instantly wanted to write here. Maybe someone else needs to read it for some reason?? Or maybe I want to be able to reflect back when I overcome this fear too?

either way.

as I chase my own dreams, I keep learning more and more that my soul will guide me. When everything is blurry, and you dont know your left from your right, your world is going crazy, quiet your head, listen to your soul, go with your gut, always, and be grounded in knowing that if it doesnt help you grow, or doesnt make you feel

It's almost like if all of your children want nothing to do with you.. there might be a common denominator. It's almost like I can never get my mind back. Your motto for child rearing was always "break them down and build them up", I guess you were too lazy to get to the second part of that. I was a gentle, empathetic human, and still am. You knew this, and you still chose to rip me apart and abuse me for as long as you possibly could. I want you to know, it's not normal to hold your children hostage. It's not normal to master manipulate them. There is a power dynamic and I know you know that. Our biology does not make it easy to handle a raging mother that loses her mind at every minor inconvenience or even just neutral kid behavior. It also doesnt make it easy to cut you off, but I will continue to choose the latter because atleast my nervous system can heal away from you.

I didn't deserve you. None of us did. But it's too fucking late now, we are left with all the messes you made. You will never know how hard it is to overcome you and your voice in my head, cutting me down, telling me that appearance is more important than genuineness. I gaslight myself now too sometimes, well, Im getting better about it, but I can't help but think it wouldn't have been an issue if not for you doing it first. It's amazing how you could always manage to make everyone else the problem, all the while I felt in my gut that it was you. Becoming an adult and then even more of an adult, realizing I was correct the whole time is a trip all by itself and I hope you know that I know. That I see through you. That I've been there since you were barely an adult, I have a wildly capable long term memory, and I havent forgotten a single thing.

Who screams at their child for almost dying? Who locks them up and tries to throw away the key? Who blames their kid when a known child abuser hurts them for simply getting out of bed at 4 years old? Also, who fucking marries a known child abuser while actively caring for a baby? Who tf slaps their child in the face, the breast? Who adultifys and parentifys a toddler? Who lets abusive men and people in general around their children knowingly?

There's one answer to all of these questions: you.

Thankfully, my children will never ever know you or that pain. Thankfully I never let go of my empathy or desire to make sure no child ever feels like I did. There's making mistakes as a parent, and then theres.. well, you. Total destruction of safety and security. What it must be to grow a being inside of you and then throw them to the wolves (you being the worst one of them). Could never, ever be me.

Im happy to say, you don't really know me. And the older I get, the more I realize I dont think you ever did. You pretended, just like you pretended you were good mother. Just like you pretended your hatred didn't swallow me whole at times, that it was all me, just a depressed teenager, right mother? It's normal, all teens feel like taking themselves off of the planet, right mother?

I could wait but I dont think theyll return

And this day is longer than it should be

And I let the fear inside

So I pack my things in this one bag

And I go but I know that I'll look back

Cause this road is longer than it should be

But I'll find,

I'll find the one I love

And its you I always follow

And its you I never find

And its you, my endless hallow

And it's you

It's you, my love, my love

So I trade my snow and ice defense

For a chance in this city of rain

And I'll let this entropy increase

And release me from these robberies

Cause it's you I always follow

And its you I never find

And it's you my endless hallow

And it's you

It's you, it's you my love.

And all I can do is just wait for this to end

When all this is gone

And all is said and done

But all I can do is just think about it.