#wordsandrobots

THE PACT IS SEALED.

I'm so glad you asked! :D *clears throat and gets out my little glasses*

SO: long have I held that one of the biggest problems with Gundam Wing is the anime-typical-ageism that plagues the canon age range of the adult cast of characters (the gundam pilots being 15 is fairly integral to the story and I don't have beef with it) -- something that becomes so, so painfully clear in Frozen Teardrop, where Sumizawa not only committed to but double and triple downed on there being genius infants participating in OZ's command structure. I stand by my objections to the canon ages of the adult characters-- BUT! 👆I realized recently that my actual objection has slightly less to do with the characters' ages themselves, and more to do with the timeline as a whole.

...and I DO have an entire timeline written out of an extended version of events that I have meticulously salvaged and spliced from series canon and Frozen Teardrop which I then reconstructed and modified according to my own vile needs and requirements, which I will definitely post here once I've... tamed it a bit, because right now it's eleven pages of very shouty bullet points and margin notes.

MEANWHILE-- here is Wesley's A.C. Extended Timeline Theory:

You've been in the fandom much longer than me and I'm curious what resonated with you about that relationship in particular, in the first place. (The curiosity is possibly motivated by having spent so long picking apart my own obsession with the show, I turn to wondering about others' enjoyment of it as a change of pace!)

Ohhh. I don't think I can answer these questions without giving a bit of backstory, so! I started watching the show on 16th of December 2015, around the time the first cour was finishing airing, just before the two-week winter break. I binged the first 13 episodes and the rest - as it aired. And even on that first watch, there were three pivotal scenes which made such strong impression on me I distinctly remember myself watching them, I remember my reaction.

The first scene was Shino pulling Yamagi out of the Mobile Worker during the first encounter with the Turbines (but of course). Essays could be written on that moment alone. It's just such a well crafted sequence, rising orchestral music perfectly timed with their clasping hands and Yamagi's reaction, his little gasp and a hand Shino grasped held to his heart. It definitaley raised an eyebrow, but most importantly, it set the tone for what Shino and Yamagi's narrative came to be: a collection of small, personal and intimate moments weaved into the grander narrative, very effectively showcasing personal stakes for the people involved in the fight. Of course everyone in Tekkadan has their own personal stakes, but what elevates Shino and Yamagi for me is how palpable was Yamagi's yearning, like his whole world depended on Shino's survival.

The second scene was Shino mourning his comrades after the Brewers fight. This scene floored me, it was as if a whole new emotional dimension to his character was torn open before me, and sucked me in immediately. I was instantly invested in this character. Murata's fantastic voice acting had a lot to do with that as well. Shino was cute before, if a bit loud, but all these new depths and layers!! Funeral Rites as a whole was a double whammy to me, stellar episode from beginning to end. And to top it off, it ends on Shino seeking Yamagi out to thank him. This is my third key moment, it solidified to me that whatever it is between Shino and Yamagi, is real and undeniably there. Yet another private scene loaded with tension and subtext. The dissonance between what the characters are feeling and what they're saying also added a whole different, poignant layer to the dynamic. Shino just a few minutes ago demonstrated he is a character of some considerable heft, but now he's also showing how considerate he is, that he values and acknowledges any act of kindness he's awarded and it's directed at Yamagi personally! In private! He made it so, so easy to become invested on Yamagi's behalf. I became obsessed within a span of few days, and from then on, my pathological attachment to them was being forged through months and months of pain and fearful anticipation.

Didn't help that it's such a smartly written relationship, nuanced, subtle. I think the fact that they are not the main characters helped a lot in this case. It doesn't beat you over the head with overly dramatic gestures, the strength of that relationship lays in how normal and relatable it is. It's just two boys, one has a crush, the other is oblivious, but not hopelessly so. I really wanted this for Yamagi, and I wanted the sunny boy to survive, I wanted them to defeat the odds. I was always aware all the necessary components for an effective tragedy were already there, but I dared to hope! Paradoxically, the more obvious the looming tragedy, the more I deluded myself it can be avoided because it's too obvious. Needless to say I got burned so badly I don't think I'll ever hope for anything ever again. I'm still hurting. I still think it was a colossal waste of a beautifully established queer romance. It could've been historic. Making fanworks for them is how I cope, and I think I'm going to be coping for a long while yet.

Apart from all the above, their interactions are just so great! They're filled with warmth, but also some bite. Yamagi is head over heels in love with Shino but he's not oblivious to his faults, he gives banter and push back. Sometimes he forces Shino to confront realities he'd rather avoid. They are a good match because their contrasting personalities are not so much at odds with each other but rather they compliment one another. And it's by design because, just like Mika and Orga, the two were designed around each other since the beginning. Shino is the Sun, Yamagi is the Moon. Much like Shino needs (and enjoys) Yamagi to discipline him at times and bring some sense into him, Yamagi needs Shino's energy to push himself beyond his self imposed limitations. The CD drama showcases this aspect really well, imo. I love that Yamagi's presence forces Shino to go a couple levels of intensity lower, so he can meet Yamagi where he's at, and that's where we see the real tenderness in Shino come out. Also because their scenes often just happen to involve physical contact of some sort, that in itself generates a lot of great chemistry. Now, most of that comes from Shino just being the guy with no sense of personal space, but it's also more opportunity to show how different is the touch he has for Yamagi and the other guys. Because Yamagi is not just "one of the guys" and never has been. I guess in Shino's mind Yamagi has his own category. He's so protective of him, and looks at him with such fondness. It's his own, patented "looking at the one I want to protect" type of smile. It's such a mutually uplifting relationship. I'll die on the hill that Yamagi triggered the resolution to Shino's character conflict, he is responsible for Shino's growth just like Shino is responsible for Yamagi's.

They're a solid unit and a great team, much like in personal life, their skills and capabilities compliment one another. I could go for an entire season of just this dynamic. I love me some back-to back buddies and I prefer the dynamic to be equal. Most my previous ships were that, though admittedly this is more of a Shino and Eugene's thing. "The one who waits, and the one who goes into action" is more of a traditional heteronormative ship dynamic, but I still love it because of how good Yamagi is at wrecking Shino's posturing. Yamagi demands to be Shino's equal, and he is. It's pretty much solidified between us that Shino is destined to be dragged by the dick by his sarky twink and honestly, more power to him.

When it comes to the characters themselves, looking back at my other anime blorbos, it's undeniable I have a type(s). Feels like I tend to gravitate toward either the sanguine or the sardonic, and nothing in between. Shino and Yamagi embody these traits to a T, albeit and in a more subdued fashion and maybe that contributes to me being so into them. Although they also carry unique emotional vulnerability that effectively breaks the trope. Shino is this larger than life, louder than life, unreasonable, bombastic man, but he is also the one with deep rooted insecurity and feelings of his own disposability. Yamagi is the stoic, sarcastic, sophisticated man in the making, yet he is the one with the all encompassing, melancholic infatuation. I adore Yamagi's entire character as a concept. He had my heart in a vice. I don't know how anybody can not feel for him. I think I've already said a lot about why Yamagi is so special to me above. He's this strong, uncompromising, loving soul trapped in a fragile body. Completely out of place for his surroundings but still capable enough to make himself indispensible. I honestly think he's cool! We cannot forget he drove a freaking train, jumped out of a moving vehicle, and climbed a mobile suit! It's like he can go from vulnerable to takes-no-piss attitude in a second. Like he's very cute and all, but he's also a bit of a bully. There is no extravagance in his looks and mannerisms (beside his fabulous hairstyle) and it's very refreshing to see in a gay anime character.

As for Shino, in general he seems like a character created with a lot of love. I think all in all, he's one of the most well crafted, multifaceted characters in the entire cast. I love all his little quirks and eccentricities. His free and unabashed expressions of emotion. The way the good and wholesome aspects of his personalty contrast with the reality of who he is, a trained soldier willing to kill for his cause. He's the character who shows this contrast within Tekkadan really well because of how vividly his jovial personality clashes with his circumstances, I think. I love juxtapositions like that within characters and Shino has those in spades. Most notably, the self-sacrificial undercurrent which manifetsts outwardly as him willing to take the protective role, no matter the cost. His lust for life and utter devotion to his family combined with the casual acceptance of his mortality give me chills. Or the mask of a horny goofball covering the more reflective bits of his nature. I like that he seems to be incapable of guile. Like he's so genuine and so utterly lost whenever he's witnessing the gang's scheming sessions. He's great with children, he's free of prejudice, he's a great caretaker and a rock solid support for his mates. And if I'm being honest, I was not at all surprised when he was revealed as bi, like maybe it's feeding into the stereotype, but I've personally always saw enough flamboyancy there for that to be a possibility. I think this doesn't just serve his romantc plotline, it also informs his character more broadly, in that his capacity for love is virtually endless. I just wish he was let out of the closet more openly and allowed to live his truth. Goddamn he deserved better.

Also he's just hot!! Excuse me, but how is Shino not the hottest guy in IBO? Like I realise he's not intended for the audience to be necessarily perceived as that, McGillis and Gaelio are obviously the intended heartthrobs, but it's no coincidence Shino demolished "most desirable" ranking within the small queer community I watched the show with, lmao. Have people seen his original character artwork by Yu? The dreamy eyes, full lips, lashes for days? That's Tekkadan's true pretty boy right there! It's weird because he's the hot and dangerous war-man, and my cute baby boy I want to protect with all my might at the same time. I cannot with these conflicting feelings :u

If I say Akihiro Altland, will the answer just be a string of angry moth noises?

(This is not retaliation in the slightest. You have never done anything wrong in your life. And I am not still weepy over what you did to Zhongli this morning.)

...you [CENSORED]

How I feel about this character: 

I audibly said "oh no" when he came on screen. Akihiro is literally every. single. character. beat. that I am weak for, all at once. It's like they rummaged through my brain, boiled the result to reduce it into goopy, delicious suffering. He is perfect, I would not change a thing. I literally cannot write him, I would not change a thing. Not a single thing.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: 

I mean, Lafter, obviously. I can see him and Mika extending that rivalry horizontally, as it were. But also I have a hard time with it because he is perfect and every time I start trying to go what if, my brain goes, no. Because the tragedy is so fucking good. So fucking delicious. I am weak. What we got was so good, so fucking painful. I am destroyed.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: 

Orga and Mika, together they form my favorite OT3 for this mess because they're three very different sides of the same trauma dice. But they sort of balance each other, they function perfectly as counterweight to one another and I just.

Fuck you, for making me think about this and write about this I am now lying on the ground again.

My unpopular opinion about this character: 

I wouldn't change a fucking thing about him. Nothing. Not a single one. I do not want him saved. I don't want him to have a chance to make different choices. He is a Sudoku puzzle of exploitation, grief, loss and feral determination. He had to end the way he did, and to tweak that and take away from it unbalances it all until he's not HIM. It's okay that he's deeply fucked up and deeply hurt and then it just spirals into the mess it does. It's okay. That's why his tragedy works so well, it's the way things had to go.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I know for narrative/pacing reasons we don't see some things from his perspective, but while, again, I would not change a thing, I would be interested in getting more of his perspective on events. Like, because he's not an active character, he gets to slide into the background more because he only acts as commanded and that's a big part of his arc, but I want to see the tiny steps, the processing of what's happening, to see the change unfurl in detail in a way that'd only work if this were a story about him, personally, and not an ensemble cast.

my OTP:

N/A

my cross over ship:

I want him and SiO!Cor Leonis to meet and rip each other to bits with their teeth.

a headcanon fact:

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Not a word, specifically, but words that relate to a character's theme: cratered, cracked, fractured, crumbling, etc, relating to Childe and Zhongli, for example, as a reflection of the geo thing just. Chef kiss. And then I get to use the words relating to Childe's hydro thing and we're gonna get so fucking HORNY.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

3. One of the best takes you’ve ever seen

"People will always see in fiction what they need to see, but the reasons why they need it won't necessarily be the same as anyone else's." --My Modern English Lit professor about to start a module o Nabokov.

To wit, people will always interpret fiction from the framework of their own experiences and personal taste, and there's nothing inherently wrong with it, right up until they start insisting their take is the only valid take.

But also there's the fact that even when people are finding in fiction the same thing, they don't always find it for the same reason. Like, when people find queer themes in media, some do it because they need the validation of their own queerness, and some do it because they need a reason to discredit a piece of media they dislike. They're both seeing the same thing, that some relationships or characters are queer coded, but the reasons behind their readings of those relationships or characters are completely polar opposites.

I like to keep this in mind when I encounter people interpreting media in ways that I don't understand or agree with: I like to ask myself WHY they're doing that. And I focus on their reasons, rather than their interpretation, because there's insidious reasons that are actively dangerous to engage with, and there's private reasons that are just not worth the hassle to debate.

I did not expect a class in 2009 to become so pivotal in how I carry myself in fandom more than a decade after but. Here we are.

18. Something you initially did not like but came around to

True Crime. Notably and to my great chagrin, I drank the kool-aid of "there's loud, obnoxious examples of this thing, therefore all things pertaining to the thing are bad and irredeemable and stupid" and didn't really think about it much until someone pointed out to me that I was flattening the whole thing and centering white voices and their take on things, and completely ignoring the fact True Crime serves a very real purpose for those who are underserved by traditional justice systems, like... say, visible minorities.

And... yeah. Fuck me, that's true.

I'm still not a fan of true crime as something that I consume regularly, because it's just... not for me, but that doesn't mean there's no point to it or that it's okay to just make blanket statements about shit you don't know anything about just because it annoys you a little. So.

Yeah.

imo tis part is WHY its good. "I can't write sex disassociated from the reality and physicality of bodies. I've also never had "perfect" sex that so many people insist should be the goal of erotica. "

​@wordsandrobots replied to your post “You're such a great writer, especially with sex...”:

To split hairs in defence of things you are *really good at writing*, not all sex scenes are porn. A scene in which sex is implied is still a sex scene, it's just not designed to turn someone on as rapidly as possible. It may do so because a lot of us are freaks who get high off emotional resonance, but it's a separate category. And you are exceptionally good at writing the kind of intimacy that's key to it precisely because you recognise its fundamental ridiculousness.

​ @thedancingwalrus-blog replied to your post “You're such a great writer, especially with sex...”:

Listen to the winged cat and the circle! You are good at writing! You are good at writing all of the things! Squeeze the secrets out of your brain meats and tell the Anon! Accept that you are good at the thing! (Not high just under caffinated)

​Okay, no.

You three. I love you. But stop.

Stop.

You're projecting an entirely different conversation onto the one I'm trying to have with this anon.

I'm not being self-deprecating because uwu, I'm insecure about my writing.

I'm not being self-deprecating at all.

Like, I love you. I understand the instinct to instantly reassure someone you like when they talk about not being good at doing things. I love you for having that impulse. And I am both touched and flattered that you have that impulse about me. But that's a bad instinct to have, when you insert it into a conversation where self-deprecation isn't happening.

Read the anon again! The anon is asking for help. The anon is gushing about my work and using that as the reason why they've come to me to ask for help. And I cannot help them! Because I do not have the skills they're looking to improve. They've made an objectively wrong assessment of my work and my skillset, and I'm trying to set the record straight in as humorous a way I can. Because that's what I do.

Trying to come up with a definition of "sex scene" that includes my work is not helpful. Expressing that you like my work does not mean my work magically fits the definition we're working on here. Anon said "sex scenes". Guys. Guys. I went and checked. I haven't written anything rated E since November 2020 and that wasn't a proper explicit sex scene. The last actual proper sex scene I've written is from March 2019.

You're such a great writer, especially with sex scenes! is a very sweet sentiment, but it objectively and categorically does not apply to me. And I need to make that clear, because the follow up to that praise is Do you have any tips or advice on writing a good sex scene? Because I do not. Because I do not really write sex scenes, good or otherwise.

Again, I'm not being self-deprecating or insecure. If someone comes to me for help, and I cannot help them, I have to be honest and tell them I can't help them. There is nothing to be won by pretending I have a skill I do not have, and everything to lose - ie, the respect and trust I've built within my community - by talking out of my ass and pretending I have any kind of authority to tell someone how to do something I objectively do not know how to do. Specially when I'm surrounded by people who do have that skill and do know how to do the thing! And it's not unheard of that someone might have confused me for someone else. It's happened this month already. If anon sent the ask by mistake, I'm answering it because there's a chance they might see it and go send it to the right person. And if they didn't send it by mistake, and they do mean it, I want them to know I'm unfortunately not the person who can give them what they're looking for.

Like, again. I'm not mad or anything. And I don't mean to be rude. But I find this particular behavior to be terribly unhelpful and while I know it comes from a place of kindness and sincere affection, I don't actually think it's healthy.

Let's rewrite that ask, okay?

You're such a great welder, especially corner joints! Do you have any tips or advice on welding a good corner joint?

Would you have felt the urge to reply the same way if I'd had told anon I'm not a welder, that I've only ever done patchy, awkward, DIY butt joints and sent them off to look for help elsewhere? I have a friend who is a welder, so perhaps they meant to send the ask to her instead? Writing is a skill. And yes, writers are inherently dramatic peacocks. We all are. Writing is basically about putting bits and pieces of yourself into your work, and that creates a very close and visceral type of insecurity. And yes, it's very kind of you to reach out and try to smother someone's insecurities with praise but like. Make sure insecurity is what's happening.

Look at the context of what conversation people are having. Because your objectively well-meaning words put me in the awkward position of defending my personal assessment of my skills and somehow not offending you while also pointing out you've misread the situation, while also trying to keep the previous interaction from being re-framed as me asking for reassurance under the guise of false modesty. THAT would give me anxiety, if I was the kind of person who was prone to it. THAT turns a routine, almost transactional interaction into a high level juggling routine that will have actual consequences if I don't land the tone right. That can and has caused people to get into fights and even strain friendships. I've seen it happen, hence why I don't think it's healthy.

And like, I'm glad you like the stuff I write! But I tag my work primarily as M for a reason: it sets the expectation that no explicit shenanigans will be present, because I know myself not good at and also not that interested in writing explicit shenanigans, but also allows people to know I'm going to tackle themes the way I like to.

I'm more than happy to have a conversation about how to create the kind of effect you're describing, how to make sex humanizing instead of titillating. Because that's a thing I do. Nearly all my characters are sexual one way or another, but never explicitly so. I don't need them to be, to communicate the things I'm trying to put into my stories. I'm more than happy to have a conversation about the eroticism of not actually showing the sex itself. Sure. But none of those are the conversation I was having with anon, and they all kind of miss the point of the conversation I was having with anon. And maybe that's on me. Sure. I was a blob on Friday and dearly needed the kind comments and support I got.

But, like.

Seriously. Contextualize your comments and do not respond to things you're projecting into a conversation that had nothing to do with what is actually happening in the first place.

And also, reminder, I am allowed to not be good at things. You are allowed to not be good at things. Everyone is allowed to not be good at things. If someone says they're not good at something? That's perfectly fine. If someone thinks they're not good at something you think they're good at, that's also perfectly fine. Not all assessments about skill are self-deprecation. Both people who are perfectly disinterested in learning a specific skill (me and sex scenes, really), and people who are looking to master a specific skill (anon and sex scenes apparently) can say the same thing about themselves, and you do them both a disservice when you imply by your reaction that the only possible reason someone would disqualify their skill at something is out of insecurity.

So for fun here's a list of things I do not have the skill to do and I am not insecure about at all:

Writing sex scenes

Writing poetry

Painting

Drawing

Sewing

Crocheting

Knitting

Pretty much all arts and crafts

These are all things I know people who do have the skill to do it and who are amazing at it. And I admire them greatly for it! And I also respect them enough to assess my skillset correctly next to theirs. And that's not a personal slight or a self-deprecating thing.

Different people have different abilities and different skillsets and that's okay!

>_<

​I love you and I hope you know that, but you're a legendary folk hero in my streams.