#womensanger

Recap—

*skip recap*

Intro song—

*skip introduction*

“Are you still watching?”

*face*

If you’re reading this, you probably don’t need to know the whole backstory for The Scarlet Tongue Project. Quick recap: Back in 2015 I wanted to change artistic mediums, and film seemed to offer an alternative to live theater that could better convey my interests at the time. I wanted to merge my passion for women’s issues, punk lifestyle, and the desire to “help”—a subjective, controversial idea in and of itself. I wanted to direct a documentary that showcased women expressing anger through their art, and I wanted to produce something that wasn’t the standard white-centric feminist media I was used to seeing at the time.

Fast forward to January 2022, there is still no movie. Yes, I have a lot of footage. Yes, I have had remarkable adventures and experiences, produced several events under the project’s umbrella and established a network of artistic and soulful camaraderie that I never could have previously imagined. I can’t speak to my outward persona, but at least internally I know that I have changed profoundly.

I am fighting the urge to shame myself into thinking that the alternative to having a final product is having “nothing”. I’d be a major hypocrite if after all this my primary goal was linked to the capitalism of it all. At the same time, I do believe in the integrity of keeping one’s promises, and I value the discipline required to finish what you’ve started. I have a lot of trouble in the latter department. I recently received my bachelor’s degree after eighteen years of trying, a fact that I am both proud of and embarrassed about. Believe me, I do not want The Scarlet Tongue Project to take eighteen years. But I do understand that not everything can be forced to operate in a direct, immediate, linear fashion. And trust me when I say that this project refuses to be herded.

Read below for the interview I conducted with myself, inspired by the FAQ I’ve had to tackle over the past couple years:

Me: So, what’s the plan? WHERE IS THE MOVIE?

Me: I don’t know! Honest to goodness I have no fucking idea. I know it’s really taboo to express such a blunt lack of certainty to your audience and supporters, but the original mission statement of the project was based on exploring social taboos, so here we are.

Me: That’s it? You just don’t know?

Me: I mean, if I’m oversimplifying it, yeah.

Me: Complicate it, then.

Me: Well, the reality is that there is a huge gap between how this began and where things are presently. This project began seven years ago. It saw the transition from Obama to Trump to Biden. Everyone involved aged and changed. There were births, deaths, coming-out’s, transitions, marriage, and breakups. We collectively experienced massive cultural shifts, for both social progression and regression. Gen Z can now drink and has entered the workforce, which is greatly shifting social norms. There was a devastating earthquake, devastating hurricanes, and now a devastating pandemic. Members of our group experienced homelessness and tragically lost indigenous land.  There were irreconcilable interpersonal issues, and the inevitable loss of material therein.

On a personal level, I’ve changed a lot. This project led me to people and experiences that dramatically changed my perspective and understanding of the world, not only on the topic of anger, but how I view life in general. I have PTSD from a couple of situations I found myself in as a result of this work, and had to work through a lot of debilitating symptoms that began cropping up in the face of tension or aggression. That’s not very helpful in a project about anger! I began going to school and concentrated in subjects that were relevant to the work I was doing with the project—history of revolution and social movements, political science, and gender studies. While it made me more knowledgeable and sensitive regarding many of the topics the project tackles, it also made me question what my actual goals were in a way that was a bit derailing. In short—I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish anymore. I have no idea what the story is…what the unified message is… or if it’s even appropriate for me to be any kind of leader in this work.

Me: But isn’t that an amazing story?? Everything that’s happened, how people’s lives have changed, how the world has changed?

Me: Oh absolutely, without a doubt. I just don’t have much of it on film.

Me: Are you serious? You literally had one job. Why don’t you have all of that on film?

Me: Well, a couple reasons. The first being that I greatly underestimated how expensive this project would be. I was unable to consistently afford the travel or time required to edit, upload, and follow people around. I also needed better equipment, which was out of my budget.

Secondly, I’ve learned that I’m a much better social anthropologist than documentarian. There is a level of exploitation required in documentary filmmaking that I’m not comfortable with, particularly for what I’m interested in. As the director, it felt unethical for me to poke at memories and traumas in order to get a big reaction for the camera, knowing that I do not possess the trained skills to help deescalate. Maybe some projects can get around this, but Scarlet Tongue can’t. You just cannot engage in a powerful, relatable media project about intimacy and anger without dancing with serious pain. An artist’s comfort with vulnerability does not span all platforms. Creating a dance, abstract performance, painting or song are different from looking at a camera and saying “let me walk you through what happened”. Some are okay with this and others aren’t, and I realized that I did not want the job of forcing any of the people who trusted me to cross those lines just so I could have a better story. That wasn’t comfortable for me. I ended up prioritizing friendship and privacy over my camera.

Me: Shit.

Me: No kidding.

Me: So are you telling me that you have nothing to show?

Me: No, not at all. I could probably cobble something pretty cool together. There are great interviews and performance footage. I can pepper in world events for added perspective, and I think that would definitely get the general point across. But it’s really tricky when I know that the real story is unavailable to the public.

Me: What’s the real story?

Me: Omg. Lots of laughter and silliness. Like, constant. Deep love and deep conversations. Also sex, addiction, betrayal, death, mental illness, racism, predatory behavior, unrequited love, ritual, family trauma…frankly, it would make a better book. But I’m not spilling anyone’s secrets without consent.

Me: Then write the book.

Me: No, I have to make a movie first.

Me: So people gave you money to produce a movie and you don’t have a movie. How do you reconcile that?

Me: That’s a tricky one! My intention was never to be deceptive and I still want to follow through. I would like to offer an alternative perspective, if I may—

What happened as a result of this generous support is significant, in my opinion. Brilliant artists from around the world have been able to connect with each other and change each other’s lives for the best. The knowledge and experience gained from working together has directly gone back into the communities each artist is connected to, in the forms of being better advocates, educators and creatives. While the project was more active, I constantly received feedback that this work was helping other women and nonbinary folx to heal by feeling seen, heard, and legitimized in their anger. Also unanticipated-- I’ve lost count of how many men have approached me to tell me that this work changed their lives as well, allowing them to be better partners, family members and allies. Supportive funding for this project has allowed for networks of cultural exchange that are so crucial in times of widespread bigotry and misinformation, in formats that are accessible to communities and artists doing really important, radical, unconventional work.

You’ll get a movie though, don’t worry.

Me: Do you think that this work has changed the larger conversation on women and anger?

Me: Eh, I think I was arrogant and naïve to assume that I was starting something original. I don’t say that to trivialize the experience; it’s more so out of learning my place in this massive topic. Additionally, each artist selected for this project was already a well-established professional before meeting me, so more often than not I assumed the position of student.

Any meaningful experience has a ripple effect, so I have no doubt that our work has contributed to a larger conversation. I think the difference between leading and contributing is crucial to understand. Women’s anger is a tale as old as humankind, I’m sure. My belief that it was focused only on white women was deeply mistaken at best, and racist in reality. Black women such as the Combahee River Collective, Audre Lorde, and Patrisse Cullors are among many important names to know, having greatly transformed and initiated movements that either include or are directly addressing women and anger long before the idea ever struck me. There are countless important women leaders from all over the world going back centuries, leading organizations and revolutions that drastically shaped the course of history. Anger is not having “a moment”. We need to ask what is going on around us that is allowing for its amplification.  Anger is a constant protector, a compass for integrity and a gauge for the health of society.

I’m going to end this piece here because I have a very long list of questions here, very good questions, but I said I was writing a blog, not a book (yet)!

If you have a question, please reach out. I’m not only happy to answer, but I truly want to answer. I want to pick this dialogue back up. Call me, text me, buy me a coffee, email me at [email protected]

Thank you for reading, and for staying curious throughout this journey.