But I think that's what haunts me about being so into fan content, especially fanfiction. Some of the greatest stories I've ever read have been created as labours of love and written in clunky laptop inbetween school and work hours. They have been created for no other reason than passion and a desire to make in the first place. No incentive of profit to muddy the vision, no expectation of viewership to influence the stories design. To loose that is to loose a reflection of another human beings humanity (as pretentious as that sounds).

I dunno, I think it's just the fics who's authors have fallen off the face of the earth which are the ones that leave me the most intrigued. Where did they go? Why did they choose to delete everything? Are they aware they touched some of the deepest cavities of my person with their art? Do they still write? Are they okay?

Don't get me wrong I understand why someone might do that; and at the end of the day you don't owe people your art which you shared for free. If for whatever reason you decide you are no longer comfortable sharing that privilege then power to you. But it still leaves me bereaved much to my embarrassment.

I am thinking about apokteino and how they nuked their ao3 again. I mean my GOD I discovered their stories AFTER they were all destroyed! Sometimes I wonder if the reason I keep coming back to the feelings With Understanding invokes within me is in part the mystery behind the author! I mean how do you write something like that and then just... Go? Disappear? Erase it all? From my understanding their stories are considered CLASSICS! they must have known the impact their stories had on people so what motivates someone to erase it all? Did they pass away? I just wish I could ask them. Ask them why and how and when. The curiosity eats at me and pools within my stomach like a thick dark liquid.

Summary: Castiel is an FBI agent. Dean Winchester kidnaps him.