Featuring a language barrier and severe miscommunication. 

A compilation of short and sweet ones.

I’ll just state the lesson I learned right now, to help you avoid making the same mistakes that I made.

The moral of this story is: Don’t eat jellybeans on playgrounds. Also, children are terrifying.

So, Izzy, Euan and I went to Shoppers at lunch and got a bunch of candy. I had jellybeans, Izzy had sour gummy worms, and Euan had a big thing of soda. There is also a playground by our school that we share with a very weirdly named Christian school. Since we are- once more,- the most mature 13-year-olds in existence, we decide, “Oh! Let’s eat our candy on this sick-ass playground!”

So we get up on the equipment. I’m not sure if you’ve seen those spiderweb things at some playgrounds, but they look like a slanted plastic ring with a bunch of holes in it to climb on. There’s a spiderweb made of rope in the middle, and the highest point has different tiers to climb up on. Anyone who goes to my school knows what I’m talking about.

So, anyway, the three of us perch ourselves on the highest point of this plastic ring thing and calmly start talking and eating our candy. Now, the playground is swarming with little munchkins right now- it’s the elementary school’s lunch break, so seven-year-olds are everywhere. So, we try and take up as little space as possible, cuz these tiny children are playing on the spiderweb.

Euan, the hypocrite he is, lectures me on swearing in front of these munchkins. He then, not even five seconds later, jokingly calls me a bitch. I’m internally wincing and externally smirking because- lo and behold! Little girl in a pink dress is standing right behind him.

Of course, I immediately go, “Euan, you absolute hypocrite. There’s a kid behind you! Watch your language!” Euan turns to look behind him and sees the girl. She gives him a shy wave. He then turns back to me.

“It’s okay, she probably didn’t hear me.” I raise my eyebrow. Euan turns back to the girl. “Did you hear me?” He asks her. Her response is to giggle and nod. When he turns back to me, his expression can only be described as a mix of abject terror and amusement. A moment of silence hangs over us, before Euan swings his arm and goes, “Well, dangnabbit!” Izzy and I laugh and pop more candy into our mouths.

The girl has been watching us and giggling every so often as we talk. She notices my food. “Is that candy?” She quietly asks. I nod, thinking she might shyly ask for some. I would be happy to give her some- I mean, this bag was the height of half my arm and three times that in width. I had jellybeans to spare.

What this evil creature from the depths of hell does do is scream, “HEY GUYS! CANDY!” To the entirety of her playground friends. Instantly, we are being swarmed by seven year olds wanting sugar. They start climbing up the spiderweb and around the sides, chanting “Candy! Candy! Candy! Give us some candy!” Euan, Izzy and I play along, pretending to shake in fear and moaning with fake terror in our voices and smiles on our faces about how we were trapped and being invaded. As I exclaimed how we needed to evacuate, I couldn’t help but feel a little scared. There were like, 20 kids coming at us, begging for candy. Children are terrifying as it is, but when you have a hoard of them shouting at you to give them candy? Yeah, nope. That is reserved for Halloween only.

I brush off my fear however- but not for long. I’m holding it together until I hear “Ha-HA! I’VE GOT YOU NOW!” From behind me and feel someone clawing at my spine. That is the moment where I have decided to fuck this shit. Euan, Izzy and I start squeezing together into a tight ball, until finally, Izzy see’s an opening. She takes the opportunity and leaps. As I watch Izzy sprint away, the space she left is filled by demon children. The demon children are now clawing at me desperately, screaming at me to give them candy. I’m terrified out of my wits. 

Suddenly, an opening appears. I take the chance and leap, sprinting to freedom. Around 3 children follow me, but quickly turn back to Euan, determinedly thinking that he must have all the candy in his imaginary bag. As I run past the tree line to Izzy, I pant. I hear Euan scream from behind me, and he thrusts his arm out as if reaching for us to pull him out of that mess. Izzy and I begin to plan how the heck we’re gonna get him out of this mess.

(Fun Fact: While we were figuring out how to get Euan down, Euan had a conversation with some kids. A couple asked him if the soda he had in his hand was wine. Euan, of course, said no, and explained it was soda. One kid proceeded to ask him if he could have some. Euan said yes, and began to unscrew the cap. Same kid proceeds to scream, “NO! SHARING FOOD IS AGAINST THE RULES!” Leaving Euan very, very confused.)

I guess I was the cause of the situation that happened next. I had jokingly suggested that if I threw jellybeans at the children, they would go away. Izzy promptly gets the look of an epiphany on her face, smiles, laughs, then proceeds to reach into her bag of gummy worms and pull out a handful. She then turns to me, goes, “Here,” and presses the worms into my hand. I look at her with a look of sheer confusion, before realizing what she wants me to do.

“Oh hell no.” I say.

“Oh hell yes.” Was Izzy’s reply. With no other choice, I run into the playground again as Euan jumps down from the spiderweb. These kids are barreling at him, kicking the backs of his knees, clinging onto him, scratching, and generally playing dirty. 

In my utter idiocy, I decide to wave the candy in my hand around and scream, “HEY! CANDY! OVER HERE!” Instantly, I’m being charged at by a playground full of little kids. My mind flashes one thought for the brief second before I turn and sprint: Where the heck are the supervisors?

I turn tail and sprint as if my life depends on it, with Euan hot on my heels. He passes me and takes the candy from my hand, shoving it in his mouth. We continue sprinting, Izzy now joining us, past the tree line and onto the feild. I guess the boundary for these kids was the tree line, because they don’t pursue us past there. However, I do hear them screaming after us. “HEY! GET BACK HERE! COWARDS, SCAREDY CATS!” 

When I told this story to my parents in the evening, they had to put their heads on the table from laughter. They then told me to man the frick up and scare those kids away next time, because I am twice their age and height. They then proceeded to complain about how special gifted children were and how they wouldn’t have been such pansies if they were in my position.

So, I’m friends IRL with @illegalizations (you should follow her), and she sends me some preeeeeeeeettty weird text messages. 

Like these. (This shall be a series because JFC THE WEIRDNESS)

Izzy: I’mma crawl through your window at night and be like

“I DROVE ALL THE WAY HERE”

“COME”

“LET US HUNT POKEMON”

(Later)

Izzy: If you didn’t live on the other side of the city, I would wake you up and be like

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

COME ON BLUEBERRY!

LET’S GO POKEMON HUNTING!

P  K  M  N

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P

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MANGO FUGDESICLES

JOIN ME ON MY QUEST BLUEBERRY