Dicks (in every definition): a fake-relationship AU
Geralt/Jaskier
Find it on Ao3:Â Dicks (in every definition) by relenafanel
FOR THE MODERN AU CHALLENGE. WEEK 1: Fake-Relationships
Tag: witcherauseptember
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âI canât believe anyone could be such an unmitigated puss-filled dick,â Essi said, staring at her phone in disbelief. Jaskier groaned and let his head thunk on the bar.
âI can.â His sticky forehead was the least disgusting part of the evening. Â He'd just come out to forget his ex, and maybe celebrate being free a little (as fucked up as that was) and quite frankly felt attacked by his social media.
âIf I believed it from anyone it would be that narcissist,â she conceded, biting on her lip.
âI know,â Jaskier agreed. âThatâs the worst part. I feel like itâs my fault being blindsided by this, as though I should have known something was going to happen today.â
Essi snorted. âItâs not your fault your ex is the worst.â
âNo, but I was with him for almost 3 years. I donât know. Thatâs my fault.â
âDonât be stupid,â she said. âLook at this desperate fucker. Do you actually think heâs winning? He might be in a new relationship but the look of this guy makes my vagina want to shrivel up and die.â
Jaskier took her phone from her and looked again. Yeah. Yikes. Valdo was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. Jaskier hadnât even tried to join any dating sites post-breakup, but he was pretty sure there were better options. It wasnât even the guyâs looks so much as he just screamed skeevy douchebag. It was making Jaskierâs metaphorical vagina also want to die.
âYou need to get drunk. Maybe laid.â
âNo,â Jaskier said, an idea starting to form as he looked at the relationship status change. âNo. I need to match pettiness with pettiness. I need to find someone so hot that Iâd have trouble getting him - let alone Valdo with his sad, small dick - and make sure to post a picture on Facebook.â
âWould that make you feel better?â
Jaskier smiled with teeth. âI think it would.â
***
It was their third bar of the evening and Essi was definitely sick of the manhunt. She probably hadnât realized that when Jaskier was judging men fully objectively and not looking for matching personalities (relationship goals) or a willing body (one night stand goals) he had incredibly discerning tastes.
Probably too discerning.
âHow about him?â Essi asked, barely looking up from her phone. She gestured to a guy sitting at the bar trying to make eye contact with a woman across the room.
âEhh,â Jaskier said. âSweater vest.â
Essi rolled her eyes. âBut cute.â
âIâm not looking for cute. Iâm looking for eye-searing hot.â
âIâm having trouble remembering how youâve ever been in any relationships with these unrealistic expectations.â
âValdo thought I was hot.â Jaskier thought about that for a moment. âDid I stay with someone for three years out of flattery?â
âProbably. Fuck. Get therapy.â
âI am.â
âYouâre going to be working on tonight for a while.â
Fucking true. âOh god, we just saw Valdoâs taste in men. Tell me true⌠am I ugly.â
âYouâre spiraling.â
âThatâs not an answer!â
âYouâre spiraling!â
âYes,â Jaskier agreed, pulling at his hair. âIâm so aware.â
âBased on the guy in his status update Iâm going to guess youâre the hottest guy he could get.â
âYouâre a good friend.â Jaskier pressed his head against her shoulder.
Then, a table opened up across the room, revealing the man sitting on the other side of it. âHoly shit.â
Essi looked up. Then she looked up. âWow.â
âI hope heâs into men,â Jaskier said. âOr at least willing to play along with pretending to be for long enough for you to get a picture.â
âYouâre going to walk up to that?â Essi asked. âYou have more balls than brains.â
That was probably true.
***
âHi, Iâm Jaskier,â he opened with, dropping into the seat across from the gorgeous man. Up close he was even more startlingly pretty, with a chin dimple that highlighted his strong jaw and drew attention to his mouth. âAnd my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, only to post his new relationship on Facebook today. Our three year anniversary. Itâs the dickest of moves, right?â
The man hummed in agreement, but otherwise didnât stop frowning in Jaskierâs general direction. Like someone waiting for him to get to the point. Jaskier saw that frown often.
âThe reason for the oversharing is that I just forced my best friend to follow me to three different bars to find someone so phenomenally hot for me to spend time with and get picture proof, and here you are. Iâd do jazz hands but you donât seem like someone who responds well to jazz hands.â
âWhat are jazz hands?â
Whoa.
What a voice. What a sexy, sexy voice. Jaskier knew what he was talking about. He was a connoisseur of voices.
Jaskier wiggled his fingers at him. Tada! âJazz hands.â
âHuh.â The man took a drink of his beer. âYou want to use me as a revenge plot?â
âExactly. Can I buy you a drink?â
The man gestured to his mostly full beer. âIâm not drinking to get drunk tonight.â
That was only a no to the beer. âNachos or some other foodstuff?â
The guy seemed possibly interested in food. Â
âFine,â he agreed. Â
****
Facebook: Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia.
âWhoâs Julian Pankratz?â Geralt muttered, staring at his phone.
âWhat?â Jaskier groaned, coming out a shitty sleep to a few realizations:
Heâd gone home with the hottest guy on earth, which he should be pleased about, AND WAS PLEASED ABOUT
He might throw up
Heâd done something last night. Something heâd said âthatâs up for tomorrow Jaskier to sort outâ because his drunk self was apparently a fucking masochist, and now Jaskier wasnât really sure what that was.
Only Geralt was still scowling at his phone and seemed to know his real name.
So.
âFuck,â Jaskier groaned. His mouth tasted like nachos and the regret of doing shots too late in life. He was 28 years old, not dead, but his hangover didnât seem to know that. Â âWe didnât get married , did we?â
â...â
Jaskier risked the light filtering in through the edges of the blinds to look at Geralt. His hair was beyond mussed - Jaskier didnât know hair could get that tangled overnight. He was still frowning at his phone.
âIâve been calling you Jaskier.â
âI go by Jaskier,â he promised. He was too busy having his own crises to deal with Geraltâs! For fucksakes. âNow, back to the marriage thing??â
âNo.â
Phew. That was probably on him. He wasnât sure people could actually get fake married overnight. Legally. Heâd seen a lot of movies, though.
Ok. Next problem. Â âI might throw up.â
Geralt turned his head slowly to look at him. Yikes. Too much beautiful-man-face in his face for this early in the morning.
âItâs eleven,â Geralt told him in the dry tone that told Jaskier heâd said that all outloud.
âEleven after getting to bed at what? Five? Eugh, boo. Do you have any food?â
***
Geralt did have food.
Well, Geralt had protein bars and electrolytes, which was basically the same thing. Jaskier could always fall on top of a burger on his way home if he had to. Â Heâd finally looked at his phone by the time he was halfway through his breakfast.
107 new notifications.
What the fuck?
Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia
Geralt and I were going to wait until announcing this wasnât an asshole move, but now that it doesnât really matter, I just wanted everyone to know that Iâm doing GREAT.
Attached to it was the picture of the two of them together that Essi had taken with the caption of âI wouldnât feel too sorry for Jaskier tonightâ
His drunk self had a lot to answer for. No wonder Geralt had been scowling at his phone.
âI canât believe I went Facebook Official with someone I havenât even had sex with yet,â Jaskier mourned. âWhat is it, 2007?â
***
It took Jaskier almost the full day to recover enough to actually look through his comments on Facebook. By the time he had, theyâd almost doubled and heâd made the mistake of clicking into Instagram to find one of those quintessential happy-relationship-our-feet-are-cute-together bullshit pictures. He had a different following on Instagram, mostly using it for pictures of himself singing.
Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. This wasnât a contained problem, if you could call their mutual friends and families on Facebook that had been gathering in the wings for 15 years a contained problem . Fucking Facebook. Jaskier friended people heâd met once. He had a database of acquaintances. It was great for - you know - being a musician looking for gigs. Heâd done 15 weddings in the last year.
It was pretty shitty when heâd faked having a boyfriend so people wouldnât feel bad for him.
But, as he read through the comments and realized that some of them werenât for him, he realized that maybe he wasnât the one with the biggest problem.
Jaskier: Did you just come out?
Jaskier: Are you EVEN INTO MEN?
Jaskier: I REMEMBER YOU THINKING THIS WAS FUNNY AND AGREEING TO IT
Jaskier: BUT
Jaskier: I REGRET COMMITTING TO CAPS SO SOON BECAUSE I MEAN THIS IN CAPS AND BOLDED
Jaskier: WHOEVER LAMBERT IS JUST CONGRATULATED YOU ON FINALLY GETTING DICKED DOWN BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOU LESS GRUMPY
Geralt: I see youâve read the comments
Geralt: my brother
Jaskier: YOUR BROTHER?!
Geralt: bold and caps?
Jaskier: and italics what the fuck. Whyâd you let me do this?
Jaskier: wait.
Jaskier: WAIT
Geralt: there it is
Jaskier: this was your idea
Jaskier: did you use me to tell everyone you know that youâre gay or bi or whatever you identify as?
Jaskier: what a brilliant opportunity last night was for both of us
Geralt: you went back to sleep and didnât process any of this yet, didnât you?
Jaskier had been seen with that, fuck. He made a face at his phone even though Geralt couldn't see it.
A few moments later a response to Lambert popped up from Geralt himself.
@Lambert who says I havenât been getting dicked down this entire time you heteronormative asshole
Followed by someone named Yennefer posting a picture of a strap on.
Who were these people? Could you love someone based on how their friends reacted to their ill-advised fake-relationship status change? Asking for a friend.
Geralt: for context, thatâs my ex-wife
Geralt: weâre ok
Geralt: especially when sheâs helping me fuck with my brother
***
Jaskier was debating the merits of asking Geralt if he wanted to come up with a break-up plan or just date when another comment showed up.
Vesemir left a comment:
Youâll bring him to brunch tomorrow?
Geralt left a comment:
Weâll be there
Vesemir left a comment:
Leave the frightening device at home
Geralt left a comment:
He doesnât need it
This was followed by a string of variations of LOL and OH SHITs from about 7 different people. Jaskier watched it all unfold feeling like heâd stepped into the middle of something he didnât understand - yet. He was definitely in trouble, if the way his heart rate increased at Geraltâs he doesnât need it was any indication. It wasnât even the dick reference, though that was amazing. It was the snappy, quick response. The underlying sarcasm.
Jaskier had a type. He could end a fake relationship that was based on seeing a searing hot guy across a room, but it was a bit harder when the guy had a personality he liked. If Geralt turned out to have a heart of gold, Jaskier was screwed and would probably be proposing marriage by yearâs end.
Yeah, weâll be there , he commented.
Geralt: my dad
Geralt: thanks
Jaskier: no problem
Jaskier : gonna call
âSo Iâm thinking,â Jaskier said the moment Geraltâs face showed up on the video call. He was squinting at his phone like no one had ever tried to video call him before.
âHi,â Geralt replied, looking amused.
âIâve been debating the merits of planning a breakup for our fake relationship or just⌠dating? Iâm thinking maybe we should date? Do you have input?â
âDatingâs fine.â
âBut do you⌠are you even attracted to me? Would you pick me?â
Oh fuck, what was that?! Something new to bring up in therapy.
Geralt tilted his head. Â âYou donât know this about me yet, but Iâm capable of saying no. Overly capable, some of my family might tell you.â
âSo youâre not saying no?â
âIâm pretty confident I said yes instead.â
***
âAs Jaskierâs best friend and the only witness,â Essi said into the microphone, holding up a glass of champagne to salute the two of them. âOur happy couple gave me full permission to tell the story of what happened the night Geralt and Jaskier met. Like Jaskier himself, the story is partially an embarrassing tale of bad decisions, half-cocked plans, and a lot of heart.â
Jaskier grinned, and nudged his shoulder into Geraltâs.
âAnd,â Essi continued with glee, âdicks in every definition.â
















