#wisdom gained

I really should post more regularly. All while I didn't blog I had this nagging feeling I should start doing so rather than ramble on about myself all over the internet in unplanned sprees. Then I make a blog and don't use the dang thing? Dafuq? I think I also stopped rambling mostly- it's weird how much less important everything I have to say starts to seem once I have an opportunity to say it.

Motherfuckers, I am back and better than ever. Which is totally not what I expected to feel like, but I lucked out in terms of human interaction and therapy and whatnot in the past two weeks. I've also had sort of a chain of epiphanies, which I think is a relatively common pattern of growth in people and one I should be way more used to by now. I suspect that for me at least there is also a pattern of feelings that go along with it- the first few realizations always come with a deep and unshakable anger that sets me on the warpath, then I do something callous and stupid, apologize sans dignity and become lethargic and frustrated for a while.

Eventually it's like the last piece of a puzzle clicks in and out of nowhere I'm no longer PO'd, no longer grieving and no longer exhausted. I go back to my usual and far more pleasant self, with a new dimension of insight that I'm never entirely sure is worth the preceding anger and mess. Maybe next time I have a chance of seeing it coming so it won't be so ugly. Then again, maybe what I really need is to allow myself a little ugliness once in a while. I've probably earned it.

In any case, I'll take a closer look at this recent print of the pattern later. Right now, it's 4:35am and my bed is calling my name.