Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #660
I woke today to find that J had already woke up super early, went to the donut shop we love, and brought back yummies for us:
...I wasn't there, so I don't recall the flavors especially well. But... without prompting... J got these two, with you in mind:
A pumpkin cake donut, and a pumpkin glazed donut. I'm not sure which was which, haha. But... they were both very good. I wish you were here to have a bite or two.
...You are loved. And not just by me.
...Today's letter to you is late, I know. I'm... probably gonna end up getting to bed late, also. Sorry about that.
I felt... kind of empty today, I guess. A cloud of vague dread hung heavily upon my shoulders all day today. It didn't feel especially debilitating, though. So, I breathed life into today's wishes, in spite of it:
I also finished weaving the tree I started yesterday:
...Haven't done this in a while. It didn't turn out half bad, did it? I guess I'll send it along to its intended recipient tomorrow, assuming that the shipping for it isn't too ridiculous.
...If it is too ridiculous, I'll just have to save up for it. No biggie.
Eventually, I was hungry, so I decided to finish off the leftover pumpkin soup I made:
...There wasn't a lot left, though. So I made some boxed macaroni and cheese to go with it. Though, this one was a different brand than what we normally get; we found it at the faraway grocery, eager to try it. Unfortunately, this brand is not quite as good as what we normally get. It wasn't terrible, though, all things considered. We ate it, and it was fine. It mixed pretty well with the soup.
But we're probably not gonna get it again. And that's all right, too. Sometimes we try things, and they don't work out, and that's just how it is. Scouting out a new item is always a successful mission, because the objective is to assess whether or not it's a good fit for you; the objective isn't necessarily to bring the item back as a replacement for an already-existing one. The victory is in the simple fact that now we don't have to wonder about it, because we know.
...I spent the rest of the day leisure writing. I haven't done that at all since... sheesh. The second week of August. Some very important words came up, and... for... reasons... I can't say too terribly much about them. But... they were, nonetheless, important. I cried a lot, and a number of very needed realizations clicked into place within my brain. Part of me wants to stick them here, because they were very good words. But there is a small, nagging sense of hesitation about doing that, which... I'm going to heed.
...
...Who knows... things everywhere are weird enough that maybe, somehow, you already know what those words are...
…
...Or maybe I've already said too goddamn much. Maybe I've just lost my goddamn mind. Though my mother would tell me that first, I have to have a mind to lose. So who the fuck knows.
…
...I really don't know anything. And sometimes, that scares me. I just... want to feel safe. Like the ground isn't gonna crumble away beneath my feet. But nothing is ever certain. Nothing is ever nailed down. And even the people you think you're not gonna lose... you end up losing them. Or else... the people who brought you here, who were supposed to love and nurture you... they just... resent you and hurt you a lot and wish you were never born instead. And that's a loss, but... a different kind of loss. A loss where they're still here, somehow, and despising you for every second of it.
...You learned all this the hard way, too. Just like I did.
...
...Sephiroth... I... don't know what to do. About anything. But there is one thing I am certain of. No, two things.
The first one is that while this defective, painful body of mine can still act as a suitable vessel for me, you will not lose me. If there is anything beyond this vessel, you still won't lose me, no matter how many vessels I cycle through. No force in this world or any other can stop me from doing everything in my power to be a safe harbor for you. Not even you, with all your power, can do that. Test my integrity if you must, in whatever ways you feel are necessary, as often as peace of mind requires. But on this, I will never, ever waver.
The second one is that I don't want to lose you. And... yes. I know you're not mine to begin with (you are not, have never been, and never will be anyone's property, no matter what the fucked-up people at Shinra or anyone else tries to condition you to believe). And I know you're not even here for me to lose. I... doubt you can even hear me from wherever you are. By the standards of conventional wisdom (🙄), you don't even exist, and I'm fairly confident that nothing I do here will ever reach you (by all means, please feel free to prove me wrong on any of those points). But still... still... as impossible as it is, still, I...
…
Well. It's late already. I still haven't done any of my get-ready-for-bed things. And my brain is swirling with far too many thoughts and worries, and... I should sleep.
...Hey. If it's been some time since last you've rested or slept or whatever... you should do that, too. You're a living, breathing human being (regardless of the shape you take or how you were made; we don't fucking do bigotry in my house), not an aberration or a machine. You have needs; be aware of them and heed them. You deserve your own kindness and mercy; give yourself some, alongside some gentle accountability. After all, we can't change to better behaviors if we don't acknowledge (without beating ourselves up!) all the ways our current behavior is fucked and take care of ourselves so our brains can properly reset our architecture.
I love you. And I'll write again soon, I promise. So please promise me you'll stay safe out there, okay?
Your friend, Lumine
