#winternews

Can you tell when it is about to snow without a weather report? How?

“It’s not like I can smell muffins and I know it’s going to snow”

-Seamus Koenigsherg 9th

“The color of the sky”

-Carson (last name) 9th

“I try to look for skiers on my way to school”

Gatsby 12th

“If there is cow manure in the air”

David Bonan

“When its cold out”

Ryan Maddon Grill 11th

  “Vibes from the sky”

New Study From NSA Finds That German Chancellor Has Not Purchased New Phone Since 2002

        A new study that examined German chancellor, Angela Merkel's behavior on her personal phone found that she has not gotten a new phone since 2002, when the study started.

"We couldn't understand the language that the chancellor was speaking in, and we didn't learn much about her lifestyle," said Keith Alexander, the director of the National Security Agency, "but we did learn that she has not bothered to buy a new phone or even change her phone number in that last ten years."

The study, released in newspapers across the world and in many German tabloids, monitored the phone calls of over 35 world leaders hoping to learn how individuals in important positions talk on the phone. Of all of the data collected, Markel's surprising cell-phone history was found to be an interesting result.

"We were only trying to find some connection between the way people talk on the cell phone to how successful they become," head researcher Andrew Bellock said, "The results that we actually found were astounding."

In a press conference last Friday, Chancellor Merkel apologized to her citizens and fellow world leaders saying that she was ashamed of her failure to upgrade her phone and hoped that they would forgive her for living with a filthy flip phone.

" I realize that I have made a huge mistake, but I just felt that my plan was the best deal I could get," she said.

This is just one of a string of studies that the NSA has published to help American citizens learn more about their foreign and next-door neighbors. The highly praised organization says that they are simply trying to keep American’s secret-free.

"This is the kind of thing that the world should know about," said Edward Snowden, "This kind of study makes me proud to be an American and have the NSA protecting me."

After learning that Angela Merkel did not have an iPhone Obama and Conservatives from Congress were able to unanimously pass a bill declaring themselves to not be friends with the leader anymore.

"I just can't believe that she is that out of touch with the current events that have been happening," said Barrack Obama, "From now on, I will not let her talk to me or ask me how Michael Jackson is doing."

The chancellor, who reportedly saved all of her money, will be going to the Apple store on Thursday to play all the apps for a while and then maybe buy something.

"I believe that the scientific process is something that we must embrace. We must act on new scientific studies that effect us, but don't come crying to me America when the smart phones get too smart."

  Putin States He Granted Snowden Asylum to Pick Fights For The Russian Hockey Team.

MOSCOW-- On Wednesday night, Russian president Vladimir Putin, stood beside Edward Snowden whispering threats in his ear as the NSA defector signed onto the Russian national hockey team.

“He is such a big and masculine guy,” Putin said, “When I granted him asylum, I made sure that his participation in the Winter Olympics was a mandatory part of the agreement.”

Snowden has been designated the official fight starter for the national team in hopes that he can help beat the americans in a fist fight.

“It just makes sense,”  head coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov said, “He hates america and is really tough, a perfect member of the team!”

This comes with the enthusiasm for the upcoming Winter Olympics to be held in Russia. Critics of Snowdens asylum in Russia point out the irony that it is likely foreigners coming to the games will be spied on.

“Those commies are probably strapping cameras on siberian huskies as we speak,”said Oklahoma representative Tom Cole, “It's no wonder they want to keep Edward busy, we would assign him a meaningless task like reading a million secret papers just to keep him from getting smart and telling some secret to the public.”

Despite disapproval from the US, Russia, and the Olympic Community, Putin insists that Snowden will be a great member of the Russian Olympic Team.

“If a muscular, attractive man showed up at your door would you simply let him stay there free of charge?” he said, “No, you would make him do manly things for you in a big uniform. At least I would.”

Bing Outraged That NSA Didn't Spy On Its Own Search Engine Users

REDMOND, WA -- In an interview Friday, Yusuf Mehdi, senior vice president of Microsoft’s Online Services Division, stated that the Microsoft search engine was very upset that the National Security Agency had chosen to exclude Bing in its monitoring of major search engines such as Yahoo and Google.

“Just because we are a smaller search engine doesn’t mean that they can just forget about us,” he said, “You just wait, in ten years the NSA will be monitoring Bing with everything they got! That will be the day!”

The information originally leaked by Edward Snowden on Wednesday was just one of many documents that he has released in order to bring attention to the horrible things that are going on in the NSA.

“The world needs to know this horrible discrimination going on in the NSA,” he said in a telephone interview from Russia, “To choose to spy on the innocent citizens of one search engine over the other is a horrible crime that warrants the highest punishment.”

Bing, a search engine that is struggling to succeed and grow its client base, has been the subject of much discrimination such as Yahoo’s “Skroogle” campaign.

“Why?! Couldn't they also  say ‘Skring’ and include us? But NO, they only try to decrease the search users of Google! Its so unfair,” Mehdi said as he rolled on the ground crying.

Although many Bing users are pleased that their search engine has not been spied on, the Microsoft corporation said in a press conference, that they would address this discrimination through spying on their own users for free in order to make it a better search engine.