#wildflowerweekend

It's blurry, but I caught the bouquet! And I got complimented on my ridiculous dance moves. What a wonderful wedding <3

We're on at 6pm tonight! Take a nice drive into the north Georgia country to Pigeon Mountain Grill! Lots of great music and food the entire weekend. #ryebabymusic #cha #chamusic #pigeonmountaingrill #unamigo #sweetgabrown #bohannons #countrystore #livemusic #wildflowerweekend (at Pigeon Mountain Grill)

So I'm trying to make or read something every day now, and here are my first two attempts at watercolor... why did I think it was going to be so easy? Also here's a pretty rose from my mom's garden that smelled amazing.

I had to take a mental health day or I was going to fall apart. So I did, and it was the most spiritually refreshing hooky I've ever played in my life. I went to my favorite coffee shop and was complimented by two gorgeous women, one of which turned out was in my class in high school. I bought 19 books for $44 at HPB. Had a healthy picnic style lunch at the park, then explored the local trails for two hours while listening to The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Got mad blisters (worth it). Picked the kids up early, got Petro's Chili and Chips, and played outside til it got dark. Jammed the Moana soundtrack intermittently of course. The best part was that the weather was absolutely perfect the entire day. It was just so lovely. I don't want to come back to reality, but if I must, at least I have today to hold onto. My watercolor set came in finally, so I'll be attempting that for the first time tomorrow. Also starting a book club with my best friend in Anchorage. As beat down and hopeless as I've felt the last few months, and in spite of Jimmie's death, I am starting to feel a spark again. I just have to try my damnedest to ignite it and fan the flames.

I've been meaning to make a trip to see Grandpa Jimmie for over a month. I kept putting it off because I've been busy or depressed or tired and told myself I'd go when I had more time. I was finally going to make the drive on my vacation day next week, but it's too late now. He's dead. I think they call that dramatic irony. I've never felt like a bigger asshole in my whole life. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my kids. I don't know how to navigate this situation. They're so small, but their love has always felt so huge. Their minds so malleable. I don't want to screw this up. Today fucking sucks. I finished my audiobook at lunch to take my mind off of it, but it was really sweet with a happy ending, so of course I cried about that too. My face looks like a pink puff pastry. At least I'm lucky enough to have understanding coworkers that tried their best to leave me alone today. That part definitely could've been worse. I feel so heavy. Mamaw has always been so fragile, and now we're all thinking she won't make it much longer now that he's gone. My papa has also been very sick the last two weeks and my mom thinks he may be on his way out too. I'm scared. I'm tired. And I'm just so terrified of how this is going to affect my littles. I've been fortunate in my life. Nobody very close to me personally has died. The losses have always felt indirect and I never mourned for long. But I know death is inevitable and doesn't discriminate. I'm going to start telling people that I love them more. And writing letters. And I'm going to make time to see the people I care about. If y'all can spare a thought or some positive vibes, I would be extremely grateful.

Lately I've felt that I am pouring so much of myself into work that I have nothing left for my kids, my boyfriend, or myself. During the week I work through lunch and stay as late as possible, usually taking home a pile of work that keeps me up until 2-4am. On my the weekends I just sleep and scroll through my social media feeds trying to fight off the depression that accompanies these work ruts. I've decided to say fuck it to all of that mess. My job is what keeps me financially stable, but I'm done feeling like my life is passing me by. I couldn't sleep last night so I impulse bought a watercolor painting set, a new Casio keyboard (the cheapest I could find to replace my dinky one from 2nd grade), and an audiobook. I wrote a two page poem. I watched three episodes of Drunk History. Did some Duolingo. Listened to the audiobook for an hour. Woke up the kids early just to snuggle and not have to yell at them to get ready (what a difference it made to be able to wake them up sweetly instead of in a panic). I'm pretty sure I've come down with a stomach bug because I've been dry heaving all morning, but god damn it I feel more alive than I have in a long time. I'm so tired of being stagnant. I'm tired of trying to sleep my way out of depression and anxiety. I'm tired of feeling stagnant and daydreaming instead of taking action. I just can't sit still anymore. I'm done letting fear force me into mediocrity. So fuck it. I'm gonna look stupid. I'm going to suck at things. But at least I'll be trying. At least I'll be doing something. Anything!