#whydomen

And to think that Ive had a crush on this guy for like 4 years and thought he was my dream boy, until he wasn't. I think I took so much crap from him and kept going back because idk.. I knew he didn't like many people and I really wanted to be someone he really liked... just how I would read in books and stuff.

In the beginning of us talking, he was so sweet and really tried to get to know me. Looking back it was probably just him being a hoe. I knew he talked to other girls and yeah that's cool cause we weren't together, and I wanted to be his MAIN hoe lol. Gross ik.

Then his true colors started showing and he became so mean to be. He would verbally abuse me over the littlest things that I would do. And half of the time it was just me being.. me? So looking back that on its own just basically destroyed my self perception. And I would always tell him yk.. can you be a bit nicer to me, thinking that maybe he genuinely liked me, and I would always get something along the lines of "Ill talk to you how I want to talk to you" blah blah blah.

I wouldn't say that I was a saint in the situationship but all of my toxic reactions would simply be because of how he was talking to me like?? that's not going to slide babe. I took so much crap from him just because I wanted to feel validated by him.

I wouldn't feel pretty unless he told me.

Feel proud of myself unless he was.

I also would keep going back because I knew that he COULD be nice to me if he wanted to.

Idk where Im going with this but leaving and coming back and leaving and coming back was just a form of self harm on my part. I KNEW he wasn't going to change and treat me better, but I stayed cause I loved his personality, his laugh, and all the cringe stuff LOL.

One thing that I took from this is, I should never allow someone, let alone a man, change how I view myself. I should never have allowed him to have so much manipulative power over me to where I would get into deep depressive episodes because of him.

I will find someone who treats me better and has all the great qualities that I saw in him, without the abuse. I deserve better and I deserve to be treated like a human with feelings. Its hard knowing that someone I cared about as a person didnt care about me half as much, but I can't even be sad about it anymore. I can only be mad at myself.

Another thing that I can take is that if he wanted to, he would have. Simple. Not even going to act like a better person, I wish the absolute worst for him lol.