#whothehellcares

Nia taught me:

the there are simply some types of women that I will never have love for

the type that will leave you in a strange house in a strange town with a strange man 

after they told you many times how they wont leave your side 

and yet your alone while she scoring cocaine and trying to find someone to fuck 

the type of woman who uses the word fabulous and cute and actually means it 

who yells for you down the street 

and almost every guy she sees is sexy

i will never put my trust into a woman like this 

and we all know what type of women i mean

fake 

has something to say about everyone 

you know she talks shit about you

you know because shell do it to your face 

you can feel the unnatural shift in conversation when you walk back into the room 

and any question you ask is met with a seriousness that can only suggest that your name was in the air when you werent 

i learned that i need to trust only myself 

and that we are all capable of leaving each other to die

angelica taught me: 

that theres hope for me

if i cut all of my emotions off

marry for money 

never have kids 

never get attached to anything 

shes the last glimpse of hope i saw this weekend

Skyler taught me:

that there certainly is a standard for love and affection 

and if you dont meet that standard you certainly may be unworthy of attention 

i said something about how i could go to jail while i was black out drunk so you left me in brooklyn, alone? 

i didn't meet your standard of a good time so 

im worthless

well i already knew that 

but i guess the lesson here is if i stop being so emotional and open i may find i can actually get something done 

maybe if i had said nothing and sat there sipping my beer dying silently inside 

i might have gotten laid that night 

maybe walked home 

maybe for the next few hrs i would have felt like a beautiful woman

feeling courted 

like someone thinks my time is valuable 

instead of fighting some gay coked out dude in front of crack den 

crying while walking 30 or more blocks to find my rental car 

and waiting for him to get out of work 

i hate everyone 

maybe thats the lesson i got out of this weekend 

that noone is going to care for me like me 

and im not sure if i ever want anyone to care about me anymore 

i cant seem to escape the trauma of middle and high shcool 

i cant hold a conversation anymore 

i look 27 

ive got insane daddy issues 

theres not a single person in my life i would trust to drop something at the post office for me 

let alone 

trust them to take care of somethign so fragile 

google taught me:

that the plan i had in mind for my final days is a very painful and surgical process

im not sure if i have the stomach to slit my wrists length wise about 2 inches deep 

dats cray

the whole sitting in the bathtub for the last hour of my life did sound very nice though 

im just going to do the original plan from day uno 

and borrow someones gun 

you know, 

i used to be an advocate for gun control 

hilarious 

anyway 

so thats perfect cause id get to see lox 

maybe get some sex from someone who might bat an eyelash if i killed myself 

even though 

id probobly have to pry it out of his mouth to use it since were both trying vicously to kill ourselves 

maybe we can do it together

i taught myself: 

that i can fake it 

i used to act

im going to fake my drug program 

im going to fake confidence 

im going to fake talent 

im going to fake progress 

love 

intelligence 

until

well i was going to kill myself in an alley in Manhatten 

after the Fall of troy concert on thurs

however

i know myself 

id draw too much attention and never get it done 

so until the mood strikes me 

maybe ill go sit on the Bk bridge

see how that feels 

ive never liked heights though 

or hang with the dope heads 

try for the thousandth time to oodee on heroin 

or 

maybe ill walk around yankee stadium and try to get robberd or stabbed

yeay try to get stabbed 

lol this is ridiculous