#whole30fail

Ok... that was quick. I didn’t make it 36 hours before bailing on the MAJORITY of the Whole30 diet. But, before you judge me for being a quitter, hear me out!

I’ll admit that when I first jumped on the Whole30 bandwagon, I only read *positive* reviews and testimonies from supporters, nutritionists, etc. I never once looked at the negative reviews or warnings from other professionals. Hmm... this sounds familiar... I think I just discovered how a reality “star” became president.

Anyway, I started digging into this whole fad a little more and found some pretty convincing research. See, there are many negative aspects to the Whole30. First and foremost, you shouldn’t cut out half the damn food pyramid. I have high cholesterol. It’s a well known and researched fact that whole grains help promote a heart healthy diet. So why would I cut out everything that’s GOOD for my heart and replace it with endless eggs, meat, and animal fat?! Look, I could easily eat ALL the bacon.... but c’mon. Side note: sugar free paleo bacon is AMAZING. Like, so bacon-y. And my husband is a master at cooking it. Then I made over easy eggs in the grease. And home fries. Look, this is a good example. This type of breakfast is encouraged on the Whole30. Doesn’t that seem a little.... odd?!

So after discussing this with my partner, we’ve decided to modify the Whole30 to fit our family and lifestyle. Here’s the NEW (and improved, at least for me) plan:

- MORE SEAFOOD, less red meat. Well, duh. Red meat is NOT compatible with heart health. I’m not giving up on beef forever, but there are healthier options. Our local Sprouts carries great looking bison burgers and steaks. Red meat with less fat and cholesterol. Win/win. - WHOLE GRAINS in limited quantity. This means whole grain pasta, brown rice, barley, and quinoa, especially. No more than twice per week and following actual serving sizes. - LIMITED sugar. I’ll still try to avoid added sugar at all cost, but completely limiting all forms of sugar seems a little crazy. No honey? No organic maple syrup? These aren’t refined sugars. They’re natural, organic, and often times raw. This should be a good and way more effective way to safely sweeten. - LIMITED dairy. Look, I LOVE dairy. Milk. Ice cream. Cheese. God, I love cows period. But this is unhealthy...especially in a 32 year old woman. I’m shifting away as much as possible from dairy and will only consume in limited quantities (i.e. a couple times per week tops). I’m only allowing myself ice cream (smallest serving) once every 2 weeks. I have 2 little kids and we go out for treats sometimes in the summer. I’m not setting myself up to be miserable by not having a small treat. But I don’t need to eat a 4 scoop sundae either.

That about sums up our changes. They’re slight modifications, but will add up to sustainable health benefits in the future. I don’t want to drop some weight and then immediately pack it on when the 30 days is up.

So, what exactly did I eat today?

I just realized today that I haven’t updated my current W30 journey in quite some time. That is probably because I fell off the wagon during my vacation and have been eating less W30 and more 90/10 clean.

In the past couple of weeks I have indulged in tequila shots, sweet potato fries, wings (twice), bread, pizza, fried rice, two desserts, including ice cream, and lattes. It actually hasn’t been as bad as it reads; yet, it is still a W30 fail. And I’m mostly okay with it because I do see and feel a difference in my midsection. I also haven’t been getting my butt up early enough to exercise. I’ll blame that on the cold, dark cave that has become my room at 6:45a when the alarm goes off.

I’m going to continue with my plan to live it up on the 31st and start all over again 11/1. This time, however, there will be no vacations, and I will be 3 weeks into my new consultant position. I also plan to meal prep on Sundays (like I used to) and find some motivation for working out (which I am seriously lacking).

Got a little bit of bad news yesterday. Both of the offers we submitted for houses last week were rejected. Seriously, who are these people making all-cash offers over asking price? How are we supposed to compete with that? Who has half a million dollars in cash just lying around anyway? And if you do, why the hell would you want to live in Reseda, of all places?

<<deep breath>>

As you might infer, I’m a little disappointed. But, I also was expecting it, so it wasn’t completely devastating. I took the news pretty well, and tried to muster up enthusiasm for going back to square one and checking out the latest on Redfin and Zillow. That lasted about 10 minutes before I was just over it.

I take solace in knowing that it’s not just us who find it difficult (read: impossible) to buy a home in this market. Still, it makes me feel pretty crummy. I’ve had some pretty sharp peaks and valleys when it comes to my self-worth and self-confidence over the years. I can honestly say that nothing has made me feel as much of a miserable failure in life as this home-buying process has.

When I finally left the office, I had one of those commutes where every asshole on the 5 freeway decided it was ok to cut me off. I hit every single red light. I had to stop at the store, and a shithead stole my parking space as I was about to pull in to it. Got in the shortest line behind the s-l-o-w-e-s-t old lady who, of course, paid in cash – with exact change.

You can imagine I’m reaching the end of my rope here.

The Husband said he would handle dinner for us. He was taking a stab at a salmon cakes recipe out of the Whole30 book. The note at the bottom of the page said it paired well with the tartar sauce recipe, made from their basic mayo.

For any newcomers, the Whole30 basic mayo was the first Whole30 recipe I made and it was a smash hit. I was so happy with it. Easy to make, tasted great, saved my lunches for the first 10 days. I haven’t made any since I ran out of my first batch, so while he made the salmon cakes, I took on the mayo so we’d have a nice little sauce on the side.

One egg, one-half teaspoon of mustard powder, one teaspoon of salt and a quarter of a cup of olive oil all went into the standing mixer. I flipped it on, and it started to combine.

And then, it just kinda did nothing.

I seemed to remember it looking a little less liquidy the first time. But oh well. Let’s just keep going.

Started to drizzle in my one cup of olive oil. Little bit at a time. Little bit. Little. Bit.

Only difference was MORE of the liquid. Not thickening. At all.

Do I stop? No! Persevere! Keep going! It will start to emulsify.

Have I mentioned it’s 7:45 p.m. at this point, the salmon cakes are just about ready, and we’re both starving?

Entire cup of olive oil is mixed in. It’s the same consistency. Much more yellow than I remember it looking the first time.

At this point, a person in their right mind might step back and think, “OK, clearly this isn’t working out. You’re hungry and tired and very stressed out. Just stop and enjoy the cakes by themselves.”

I wasn’t in my right mind.

I went back to the recipe and saw the direction that said your egg needed to be at room temperature in order for this to work. Forgot all about that. No wonder. A tip said that if you’re pressed for time (story of my life) you can put the egg in a bowl of hot water for five minutes and then it would work.

Second egg comes out of the fridge and goes into a bowl of hot water. I remove the first failed batch from the mixer and pour it into a mason jar. All I can think about at this point is that a bottle of olive oil costs $15 and I just wasted about $3 worth. I can’t throw this away. I can save this somehow.

I start the second batch. Egg is warmed to room temp, everything else is good to go. I’ve re-read the complete instructions for the recipe about four times. It’s now 8 p.m. and the salmon cakes are out of the oven. The Husband, the most patient man on the Earth, is waiting for me to get this mayo right.

I add the first ingredients. It looks slightly thicker this time. I’m hopeful.

I crank the mixer up to top speed and begin to slowly drizzle in the olive oil.

Same. Exact. Results.

Not thickening. Not getting lighter in color. Not working. Not happening.

And I start losing my mind.

There is ugly crying, and then there is what unfolded for me last night.

My face got hot, tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face. I’ve wasted $6 worth of olive oil, about 45 minutes, made my loving husband wait for mayo that never happened, ruined dinner by crying, and above all, I can’t buy a house.

At that point, realizing that my brain had long stopped working, The Husband literally handed me my plate of three salmon cakes, turned off all the lights in the kitchen and walked me over to sit down and fucking eat. And I cried the entire time.

I think it’s fair to say that our home offer rejections affected me more than I realized. I rode that bus way past Discouraged, past Disillusionment, straight into Crazy Town.

After we ate, I went back and poured the second failed batch into the jar with the first one. It’s in my fridge as we speak. I’m going to find a way to use it if it kills me.

P.S. The salmon cakes came out really good, in case anyone is wondering. And I married the greatest man on the planet.

Whole30 Update - Sunday Recap

On Monday I embarked on my first Whole30 challenge. I was prepped and ready to go.

Every day, I ate the same thing for breakfast: three hard boiled egg whites, one clementine, raspberries, grapes and green tea. For lunch, I had a grilled chicken salad that included romaine lettuce, bell peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes and black olives. I also enjoyed handfuls of sunflower seeds.

Dinner was a bit different each day. On the first day I enjoyed oven baked chicken breasts, green beans, and a mix of a roasted sweet potato and roasted regular potato. Yum! On day two I enjoyed a crock pot turkey roast with a side of green beans and leftover roasted potatoes. Day three was a disappointment as I attempted Whole30 turkey taco salad. There’s nothing like Ortega seasoning and I was certainly missing it. I think dealing with regular cumin on my hands was just too much for me. I wanted my Ortega back!

On Day four I woke up angry, as expected. Whole30 warns of anger on days 4 and 5. I was officially ready to throw the towel in. I opted for almonds and fruit only for breakfast. Nearly in tears, dizzy, and totally in the fog I broke down. I had no energy to workout or run. I decided either I needed my energy back or I was going to take an anorexic approach to finishing my final 26 days. I gave up and requested a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread. Sure enough, I had my energy back to go workout.

Reasons I failed: I have such a limited palette already, I think this was too extreme. I hadn’t meal prepped well enough and things fell apart when we needed to head back to the fruit market mid-week. There are too many other stressors in my life. This is one more I’m not ready to take on.

What I learned: I need to find a blend between Whole30 and something that works for me. I have a dairy intolerance. I don’t actually need lattes I get really sad when I can’t workout