They wanted to be out there, in celebration with everyone else. All the allies that suddenly came out of the woodwork to make it known they were here. Honestly, the sheer number was enough to make Claudio wonder if there weren't more people these days who no longer aligned themselves with traditional beliefs. It almost felt safe, to go outside and blend into the rejoicing crowd, which seemed almost fever pitch this year, perhaps in part due to the harrowing political climate. As if everyone had decided to come out in full force and repudiate the nasty, ugly, vile, and just plain hateful steps back the entire country seemed to have taken in the past year alone.
But, Claude stayed just far enough outside of it.
Maybe when they were fully comfortable with themselves, completely honest with their friends... They could try for next year, or the one after.. however long that may take. Right now, it felt as if they were some imposter, that didn't quite understand where they fit or if they even did. They wanted to. But wanting wasn't always enough. There were too many unanswered questions in themself.
Why, they wouldn't even know which flag was theirs.
What to consider themselves.
How to explain the way they felt on the inside, or how to rectify it to match with their outside. If any of that would even make sense to someone else.
All of that, the very reason they lost their family. Who else would they lose, when they finally did have the answers? It seemed the only best and safe option, was to stay as they were. Why risk it? They already didn't have much in this world, but they had their friends. Even the old ones were coming around more often again, now that Ashton and he managed to reach out and smooth the waters. Claudio could easily resent these people, maybe a tiny part did deep down, but a bigger part overwhelmed that with the exhale of relief. So much had been missing and slowly, it was slowly piecing itself back together. Much of what happened was their own fault, so they couldn't blame anyone, they could forgive it, and they had to understand the last ten years were consequences. Now, all they truly cared about was fanning the flames of repairing it, salvaging whatever they could and moving forward, to something new. Maybe they would be his family now.
"You don't have a flag?" Some little girl, maybe half their age, wandered up. "Here, you can have mine." She pushed a rainbow-colored stick flag their way, which Claudio took, not to be rude, with a quiet, "Gracias." Her parents shuffled her past with mild, apologetic stares that she'd bothered him at all.
They stared down at the flag. Fingers gently smoothing over the coarse material, the different, represented colors. Maybe it was okay they didn't know everything. Wasn't this a symbol basically for that?
Laughter caught their attention. Only because they recognized it. There was laughter and chatter going on everywhere, but this laugh... Naturally, they smiled just to hear it, but when they spotted Asher like a Where's Waldo in the crowd, they noticed he didn't look alone. Honestly, they wouldn't have expected him to be, with the social butterfly that he is, any number of people could have been present and they couldn't expect him to just hang out with them all the time, either. But this was a priest they didn't recognize, they hadn't been to church since the new priest started. Their smile dulled, their brows knit together. Wondering if they were simply imaging that they were standing a little too close, staring a little too much, smiling a little too wide. But then someone moved, and they noticed the two were holding hands.
Fresh confusion blossomed immediately, deep in their chest.
Just how many people did Asher like? Or did he even actually like anyone? Or did he just like everyone? Was it all just fun and games? First Hattie... then Evie... now, this priest... They simply didn't understand and it was so jarring and off-putting in that moment, they had to turn and rush away what little pull to join the celebration gone, before they were discovered like some spy. Asher had told them how important connection was, how much it hurt to have Aspen assume he'd sleep with her like it was nothing. What was his relationship with these other people? Did he connect with all three of them then? Was he dating all three of them? Were there more?
And if he is? It's got nothing to do with you.
They didn't know what to think and feel anymore. They'd never paid so much attention to this man and now, they wished they could stop. Everything didn't feel quite as bothersome, when they were blissfully unaware, when he was just their friend. He still was just their friend.
Jealousy was such an unpleasant emotion.
Worse than confusion. Worse than yearning.
It made them feel like a shitty person. That they couldn't just stand aside and let their friend be happy, doing whatever it was he wanted to do, without feeling this uncomfortable upset.
They paused outside the studio, ready to go back up and hide again. Staring back down at the pride flag in their hand. Knowing that nobody, least of all a wandering Asher, was going to love someone that couldn't even figure out which color they were on it.
