#whenshithappens

This isn’t in any specific order, I’m just writing it as my thoughts come - so I’m sorry if it's not perfectly ordered - I am not a writer. I know you’re not going to read this mom, but I need to “say it to you” I guess. All that I am saying is not out of anger, just how I really feel, I guess.

Things between us are difficult, and I honestly don’t know when things are going to get better or how. I really want them to though. I just wish that you would’ve given me time and would have given me a chance. I wish that you would have tried harder to love me. I know you love me but you honestly not really good at showing it to me. 

I remember when I was a little girl and we were so close, I would tell you everything and you were my safe place. You saved me from the bad places in my scary childhood. You would buy each of us our own soda as a special treat even though we were poor, you always found a way to make us feel special. You would go and ask for handouts and humble your pride to provide for us. You rose up from your place of brokenness and now you’re the most successful person I know. No, you don’t make a shit ton of money, but you’re successful in that you came from having nothing at all to making the most of the nothingness, and you’re still moving forward. You did everything for us. You would take us to the park, and we would play in the river. I can’t even count the number of times that you bought us a pet that you ended up taking care of, sorry about that, lol. But you knew that those animals brought us joy, so for you, it was worth the money and the time. We would all play outside together and make our own fancy restaurants. 

I always forget your birthday, cause sometimes it is on mother’s day and the next year it is not, it confuses me. You always felt hurt that I forgot it, but I didn’t mean to. One year for your birthday my sister Sarah and I collected “100 dollars” for you - it was actually only 100 cents -but we were so excited because we knew that you were poor, we searched everywhere for loose change and asked others for pennies. We put them in the ugliest bunny-bank that actually had weird feeling, fake, short hair with red beady eyes, but to us, it was SO cool! we knew you’d love it, you did cause you still have it and you’ve never spent the money and kept it as memory.

I have a lot of good memories between us. We have so many nicknames and traditions with each other and no one else. You made me feel special, but now I just feel rejected and push away. 

I’m your oldest daughter and second oldest child. You depended on me most of the time, which I understand, you were completely alone. I can relate to that feeling of loneliness now. Why are you treating me the same way that your parents treated you when you know what it feels like, wouldn’t you want to be different than they were? 

When am I going to deserve your acceptance again? 

Will it be when I stop listening to songs that curse?

Will it be when I fix all my problems or change my sinful tendencies? 

Will it be when I forget all of my friends and “leave them in the past” like you asked me? 

Will it be when I apologize for the 20th time? 

I am sorry to tell you like this, but:

I should have your acceptance of whether you think I deserve it or not. 

I am going to keep listening to these songs, I relate to them, I’m not going to change that for you to let me in. 

All of us have things about us that are sinful. 

I am not going to get rid of all of my friends and leave them in the past, if it happens over time because being apart takes a toll of relationships that way, then let it be, just for once let things happen naturally rather than trying to control it. 

Finally, I am done apologizing to you for the same things over and over again. If you can’t seem to forgive then that is something that you need to deal with and get over and it is not my problem. 

You have taught me a lot of things and have engrained several great attributes into me and I am thankful for that.

But... I am kinda angry with you. Just trying to be honest here. I know part of it has to do with my actions, but it also has to do with how you chose to go about things regarding me that have made my siblings change their ways of thinking about me. We were all close at one point, but how they speak about me and my actions mimic your exact words, I wish that you would let them choose their own thoughts about me. But of course, they have to agree with you. 

I wish I was still my littlest sister go to, little buddy, and the person that I could always have fun with. Now, my other sister, Sarah is the person for her. I am glad that neither of them is alone, but it is sad to be replaced like that... I never replaced any of you. But I know that you have learned to live life without me, as have I, it’s just that sad truth I guess. It happens anytime someone moves out when they get older but not like this. 

Just because you have negative thoughts about one side of me that you cannot accept and meet me where I am at, that makes me untrustworthy and negates all of my other good qualities. I just don’t understand that. 

Yes, there is a lot of shit to deal with between us, I just wish that we could get over it. For the love of God, lol, like its been over 4 years that we’ve had problems and over 2 years that we haven’t lived together, let's just recognize that a lot of this is shit and we need to get over it, ya know.