#lettertomymom

I know my sink is full of dirty dishes and my laundry is not put away but if you can see the rest of my place I think you’d be proud of how cozy it is. I’m all set up for a movie night or a Netflix binge-a-thon. I’ll make the popcorn and make sure it’s swimming in butter just like you like. 

I’ve been staying up really late the past several nights, and sleeping in till noon everyday. Falling asleep is hard here now and I think it’s because you’re not here in this world anymore. Even after I moved to a new city I slept soundly and well knowing that I was safe, or at least always protected by you. You were always there for me when I didn’t know the answer or the way to cook something or how to do my taxes. There were so many variables that you took care of for me... There were so many ways that you still took care of me even after I left home and tried to make an independent life for myself. I look around my little basement apartment and so many things you saw for my apartment on your weekend shopping trips in the states, or Christmas presents that I didn’t even know I wanted until I opened them. You knew me so well and you cherished my dreams whenever I got discouraged. You made all the scary parts of life seem easy, because I knew you would be there if I needed you. 

I think that’s the hardest part now. You made me who I am and you made it possible for me to get through this without you, but now that I actually have to do it all without you by my side all the goodness feels hollow. I don’t know who to share myself with anymore. And I’m scared that there will never be anyone who could share this life like you could. You always saw the joy in everything, you made the best of all the worst days and my favourite memories are every mundane little moment driving in the car or sitting in the kitchen while you bustled around, or the countless games of Catan, or jumping into your bed for a few minutes just to say goodnight. You were the light in my life. And now everything just feels dark. 

But not always. I know where to look for everyday happiness. I know how to cherish a moment and I’m working on holding space for hope every day. I’m gonna make all your Christmas cookies this year. I think I’ll save the Turkey Pot Pie Recipe for next year when I have a little more practice cooking big meals. I don’t think I will ever be able to eat a bacon and tomato sandwich without thinking of you. Though I’m rarely not thinking of you already. And I know what my goals are and they will be easy to hold onto, because all I want in this life is a million stories to tell you when we can finally be together again. I want to live. As fully and fiercely as possible. I want to see everything and have as many adventures as I can for both of us. You would be retiring soon and all I wanted to do was take you everywhere. It’s going to be a really long life without you but I want to find the joy like you did and make the most of every day. 

The love never fades. Even though you’re gone from me physically I know the love is still the same. I know you’re still proud of me and I know you feel it every time I think of you, or use your recipes or live my life as boldly as you always taught me. Whenever I’m lonely I know you’re here, and whenever I’m scared I know you’ve got my back. I’ll love you forever and I miss you every day. 

“You did choose to do what it takes to be at peace with us.” What exactly does that mean... do you mean that I wouldn’t completely cut myself off from all my friends and relationships, and you to put me completely in your control and in a box again. No, I need time to go through normal processes of life and how it moves and changes over time, I obviously know that my life is not what you hope for it to be but it is my life... it is for me to live and all the decision are for me to make. 

I know that you supported me no matter how much the situation was hurting you, and I am thankful for that. I know that you showed me love in many ways, but you used it in ways that were hurtful and makes me afraid for you to do anything nice for me because you would be loving and (again as we see here) then you would use that against me... “we’ve shown so much love to you, how dare you feel that way or say this about us,” when I was only trying to lovingly express my true emotions so we could deal with it in a calm way. I know that you’ve done so much for me in my life and you’ve done great things for our family, despite what you think, I do know these things.  “We tried hard to rescue you out of sin and confusion.” - I see where you’re coming from on that one, but I also must say that it is not your job to save me, and who are you to say that I am confused when you don’t know how I might view the situation. You only say that I am confused when really you are the one who is confused while I am content in my decision, you just don’t see how someone like me who has seen God in so many things could choose this path for my life.

You don’t think I’ve worked trough my main stuff yet and that is what is causing some issues in my life: Here is what I think about that statement... I am living while accepting my past, but it is not haunting me. Yes at times it may be hard to think about, but that will always be there. 

You have yet to put the past behind you - every time we have a serious talk you ask me to apologize about what I have done, or that past all over again, “you don’t have to but it would be a good idea.” Just because you are not able to stop feeling that pain of the past does not mean that I haven’t sincerely apologized and feel bad about things of the past and the present.

Continuing forward... 

Just because I talk about the Frickes being my family does NOT negate the fact that you are my family as well, I have never replaced you and I never will. The whole point of my FB post was never to be in your faces, what do you expect me to post about, this is my life. But they are there for me while I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life and the decisions that I am choosing the make which will form me into me, whether anyone else agrees or not my life decision are mine. You on the other hand are restrictive and do not allow me to freely make my own life choices no matter how much you don’t agree. You base how I feel about the family on literally one day of me being back home - that day was a huge transition for me and you didn’t even give time for me to settle in. Little do you know that while I was causing a disruption in your peace that I could notice the whispering between all of you about me, I could feel the judgement, I could see the way you were looking at each other and I could sense the uncomfortable body language. So maybe you should take into consideration that you disrupted my peace and made me feel bad also. 

“It is your mess to clean up.” - It’s always my mess to clean up, there are more people involved in this situation than just me you’re in it also... I not the only one who is going to have to put effort. Since this all began you think that I am the only one who had caused hurt and that I am the only one at fault for anything. And you have yet to apologize for anything - which is fine I forgive you - and you have yet to admit to being at the wrong in some ways. The most that you have done is say I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings it wasn’t intentional,” while you ask me to be specific and constant with my apologize.

I know that you never meant to cause me any hurt and none of my actions have been purposeful to hurt you either. I have sooooo many great memories when I was growing up and we had such a special bond, and I know it might not be that exact same way again, but I do miss it and I wish that it was different.

Yes it makes me sad to see all of you living your lives together as well, and I’ve been having many thoughts on wanting to come back and live life with all of you, but then I remember that you wouldn’t accept me to be the way that I am. I want to have life with you all but all that I feel when I am with you guys is judged, the black sheep in the group, and unloved.I always feel hurt because of you all having group speeches to present to me and bringing up the past. It hurt, I know that you all didn’t want to hurt me and never have, but it’s true. I really wish that things were different and I want to live life with you, but I am not willing to confine myself again. 

How should i start this? Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na alam yung gagawin ko. Sunod sunod na problema yung dumadating, kaya ko naman eh kaya lang kasi yung sanang taong tumutulong sakin para maovercome ko to ay yung taong sumisira ng tiwala ko sa sarili ko. I need to let this thing out of my mind and heart. Ang bigat bigat na. Parang gusto ko ng mawala nalang.

Mom, i love you. I know i have so many shortcomings as your daughter pero sobrang sakit na. Sobrang sakit na kasi ikaw yung nagiging dahilan kung bakit nawawalan ako ng confidence sa sarili ko, kung bakit nagdadoubt ako as a person. Di ba dapat ikaw nag-eencourage sakin? Di ba ikaw dapat nagpapalakas ng loob ko? Pero bakit ka ganyan? Bakit ikaw pa yung nagsasabe na wala akong patutunguhan? Pinaparamdam mo lang sakin na mas sasaya ka pag nawala ako. Magiging masaya ka ba pag namatay ako? Yun ba gusto mo? Gusto mo ba lumayas ako? Tutal naman nararamdaman ko na si daddy nalang reason bat andito ka eh, sabe mo nga di ba pag nawala si daddy magkanya kanya na tayo. Ganun ba ako kawalang kwenta ha? Na yung kamalian ko nalang yung lage mong nakikita? Wala bakong ginawang tama?

Ikaw dapat yung taong nagbubuild ng confidence ko eh pero ikaw yung unang taong pumupuna at kumukutya sakin. Yung ibang tao pinupuri ako, pero ikaw bakit ka ganyan? Bakit moko ginaganito? Bakit moko sinasaktan ng ganito? 😓

Pilit kong pinapakita sa mga tao na okay tayo, na okay kang nanay. Okay ka naman talaga eh. Mabaet ka, madaling kausap lalo na pag sa ibang tao pero pag sakin lage kang nakasigaw. Kaya sana Ma maintindihan mo kung bakit tumataas rin yung boses ko paminsan at kung bakit nasasagot kita. May mga bagay na gusto akong ipaintindi sayo pero hindi ko magawa dahil sarado ang utak mo. Wala kang pinakikinggan, gusto mo ikaw lageng tama. Yan din yung dahilan kung bakit nagsisikreto ako sayo, dahil ni minsan hindi mo pinaramdam Sakin na naiintindihan mo ako. Kaya kay daddy ako lageng lumalapit, hindi sa nabibilog ko yung ulo nya pero dahil alam kong naiintindihan nya ko.

Ironic huh? Now you have two queer kids. My sister is pansexual and I’m bisexual. I sat there sadly when my sister dated a girl and you told me you thought she was just going through a phase. I lied to you in high school when I had the biggest crush on my friend and you may have slightly noticed. You asked if I was bisexual and I said I’m not. I dutifully went to church. I delved into the bible. 

I hated myself the whole time I read thinking how I was such a fucking hypocrite, thinking how disgusting God must think I am. Wondering if he could love me. The bible says homosexuality is wrong. So I’m half wrong I thought. I’m plagued by self loathing for who I am. 

I knew I was bisexual when I had friends who talked about being bicurious. I remember my friend Taylor talked about it and I thought about dating her. I thought she was so beautiful, so spunky, so fun. She was everything I wanted in a girl. I never had the courage to tell her I liked her.

I remember joking to some of my boyfriends and telling them I was bi. Then I giggled and told them I was kidding. I didn't realize I wasn't kidding. I should have known after all the times I stared down women’s shirts and looking at their faces and thinking how beautiful they were. 

My sister knew after I said, “If I was a guy, she would be hot!” She knew me better than my own mother. The worst part Mom is I’ll never have the courage to tell you. 

I’m getting married in a church by a pastor. You’d see the irony if you knew.

My fiance, your future son in law is the most accepting and loving person. He was angry with me when I fiercely denied my sexuality as if I’d magically been cured of bisexuality. I had been studying with some of Jehovah’s witnesses and my fiance was angry with me for denying something he know was a part of who I am. 

I’m bisexual and I work hard to accept it everyday but it’s hard thinking that you and my almighty creator would not accept me. It’s hard when my friends may not still accept me or may think that I’m suddenly attracted to them. It’s harder when people will think it’s just for attention or that I’m not happy with my fiance. I’m happy with him. The truth is, if I hadn't met him I could have just as easily fell in love with a woman. I’m attracted to both genders. This is my identity.

Someday I hope I can tell you and I hope you and everyone else can still accept me.

Love,

To My Dear Mother,  

       Do you remember the times when I thought you stayed awake all night, because that’s what Mom’s do, right? Do you remember the times you took me to countless swim lessons when I was a wee little one, only to come home 5 minutes into class because I wouldn’t put my face near the water and screamed at every attempt? Do you remember the time I ran into a tree with my shiny red bike, busted my nose and scraped up my face, not once but twice? Do you remember that I wasn’t potty trained till I was 4 because I thought a monster was going to pull me in?  Do you remember my first day of school, the funny things I would say, each time you wanted to pull your hair out because I made you mad?… Do you remember the times when life was so hard, you didn’t know how we would make it through another day? (Because I do!)

     Do you look back now and remember each of those moments with a sense of awe knowing that you did it?!?! …. You carried, birthed, raised and released your children into this unknown world only to see that the unknown world didn’t eat them up, but guided them to be the people we are? 

I know that I didn’t thank you for each of the things you did for me. You likely never felt recognized fighting through how tough our life was at times.  And I surely know that I didn’t appreciate each of these things until I became an adult. 

     Truth is, I’m sitting on the flip side wondering if I will raise children that have self-drive, resilience, confidence and compassion.  Truth is, Mom, saying thank you doesn’t seem to be enough… But I will try… 

     For all those moments you felt lost, victorious, scared and unsure, you did your best and it was just what we needed at the time.  Thank You!  You may have found yourself crying in madness or because we were growing too fast; from my end it was worth each tear and I appreciate you for shedding caring tears. For each time you felt a sense of parental pride, I hope you celebrated because you deserved to! Each time you talked me through teenaged drama or dealt with my teenage attitude, thank you for dealing with the insanity. For the sleepless nights following my birth to the sleepless nights you had when I stayed out late, thank you for getting up the next morning to do it all over again.  Thank you for letting me find me, even if it meant watching me struggle at times. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to fail, because without the failure I can assure you I wouldn’t be the person I am.  Thank you for each of the times you, yourself thought you failed as a parent because it made you a better person. For the moment you gave me away to the man of my dreams, the days you shared in the news of a new baby, the witnessing of your child giving birth to her child, each laugh you have knowing you too were once in my shoes and say “been there, done that…”…..Thank you! 

      Thank you, Mom for each moment you help mold me into the person I am and rejoice in the fact that you have accomplished the hardest task life could give you! From your adult child, raising her young babies, can you please remind me one day I too will arrive at your destination, complete with” battle wounds” to show for it? Can you once again, be my mom and tell me that it’s okay not be the best at everything as long as I tried my best? Can you tell me one day, my kids will be thankful to me for my parental choices and failures? … As you always say, you are never done raising your kids, right? Well, for this very moment you are done “raising” me. Let me be the one to pat you on the back and say “Good Job”! You did it! Kick back and enjoy the fact that diaper duty is no longer yours at 3am, the teenage drama is over and the worry of who I’m dating is no longer a source of stress.  Rejoice in the fact that all of these things are still on my parenting journey and through each one I will grow to appreciate you even more. I thank you, from the deepest part of my being for your labors of love and giving me life. Simply, whole heartedly, Thank You!  

  Love, Your slightly frazzled, not showered, adult daughter who needs to feed her kids breakfast, do laundry, change diapers and deal with toddler tantrums… Sound familiar?

Love you!