#wheaty

Joseph Seed: i think this man is a little bit bisexual. not a lot. just a little. he's too hung up on his dead wife to give a fuck about it. i think he would go to a pride parade and wear one of those 'dad hugs' shirts and then try to convert people, because the hustle never ends. John Seed: i mean come on i don't have to spell it out for anyone. this is a bisexual pervert freak. before he got really into the cult you KNOW he was a pride party guy. every day was a new adventure Jacob Seed: i am biased because i like him. i think jacob seed has some complicated hyper-specific sexuality type shit going on but he has a job so he doesn't care. the closest approximation i can think of is like, aroace pan. he's like if playersexual was a thing you could be in real life. he doesn't like anyone enough to really have a drive for this sort of thing. and also he'd kill everyone and then himself if he had to go to a pride parade Faith Seed: she's got some crazy comphet shit going on. you KNOW im going to say she's a lesbian we don't even have to discuss it. her and tracey had some crazy yuri going on at the beginning of the cult. she still goes to pride parades but has a bad time because she wont put shoes on Hudson: LESBIAN. and in my mind i want her to give futchy realness. her and mary may are fucking nasty style in falls end. she had a short lived hey mamas phase in college, and never talks about it. loves a good pride parade

Pratt: i think he's bi with a masc preference. he fucks up the hope county tinder scene, it's a little bit ridiculous. chronic speed dater. much more fond of casual relationships than anything serious, but i think that stems from a fear of commitment or something else like that.

Mary May: cut and dry transgender pansexual. has most likely only been with men, but i see her with a nonbinary partner wrapped around her finger. pride week at the spread eagle is fucking insane.

Jerome: i cannot in good faith headcanon a godly man as anything other than bisexual. sorry, it's against my moral code. i think he has a very slight masc lean. he's super sentimental though, so i don't think he has much experience other than his actual canonical dead wife.

Tracey Lader: LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN

Wheaty: bisexual in the way that all teenage boys are like a little bit bi. he's a radio host he can't be straight

Kim: straight, and unlike Nick she's a strong ally from the start. very outspoken, but would rather go to a smaller event than go to a pride parade. maybe host a pride barbecue, although i don't know what that entails. you KNOW she went to bat for the queer kids in college. she's my woke warrior

Nick: straight, tries his best to be an ally. he's not that good at it at first, but Carmina is definitely a little bisexual so he tries very hard for her. I think the power of both Kim and Carmina being forces of nature for the Woke Mind Virus definitely helps him pull through. he wears those 'dad hug' shirts at pride, and not in a weird way. he buys a lot of corny pride merch, and is also scared of saying gay. he always says shit like 'oh........she bats for the other team......if you know what i mean.'

Jess: bisexual with a fem preference easy. i also don't really see her as monogamous. she needs three weed smoking girlfriends. pride parades aren't for her.

Grace: grace is similar to Jacob, where i don't think she likes people enough to really give a shit. i think she's demi, there's literally no way in my mind she is into anyone before she really knows them. she's both paranoid and awkard, and that makes it hard to form bonds. she watches the pride parade from a distance.

Adelaide: she's straight unfortunately. i think she's experimented with women but she's very blatant about her love for stupid male walls of meat. in a perfect world she'd loveeeee butches but unfortunately the collapse is happening and we don't have time for that.

Sharky: GAAAAAAAAAAY.