#whattoexpectwhenyouareexpecting

According to 'What to Expect when you are Expecting' Early pregnancy symptoms are sort of like PMS but a little more exaggerated (think PMS on Steroids) If that is the case than either my hormones are terribly out of whack or I'm 'duffed up' My adult tantrum on Sunday and support that!

I have decided to write a "What to Expect" toddler guide, for those of you who may have a baby nearing toddler-hood. I hope you find it informative, helpful and not at all riddled with sarcasm. 

1.) The number one rule of parenting a toddler. Silence is NOT golden. Silence is the opposite of golden. Silence is bad. Silence means that someone is coloring on the wall, peeing down a heating duct, or sneakily committing a rug rat felony.  

2.) As much as I love seeing my 3 year old learn new skills, there are days where independence is a bitch. It' s not every day that your tot will feel the need to dig their toes in and exert their independence, but it's on the days where you were supposed to be at an appointment 10 minutes ago, you've just changed the baby for the third time and you have your foot out the door, it's then that they insist on tying their own shoes. Son. You are three, you do not have the dexterity to scoop a macaroni noodle onto a spoon without flinging it across the room, let alone tie a shoe. There are days where I can barely tie a shoe. Give it up. Let me help you. Which brings me to...

3.) The screaming, kicking, toy throwing tantrums. Generally conducted at the worst possible time, over the C.R.A.Z.I.E.S.T things. LIke the color of the spoon you so happened to retrieve at dinner, or that you won't let them play with the nobs on the gas stove. Bentley used to throw fits if people dared to call him by his real name and not "Bentley Drawbridge". 

4.) Be prepared to be grossed out at dinner time. Some of Bentley's personal faves? Cheese slices dipped in peanut butter and bananas with ketchup. I cannot watch him eat. It's nauseating. But hey, at least he's eating something!

5.) Speaking of dinner time... they don't eat. Oh, you just spent an hour on making your sweet kiddo's favorite meal? It's not their favorite any more. Today, it's revolting. In my household, if it doesn't contain processed cheese, then it is disgusting and may be vomited back onto the plate.

6.) They ask SO many questions. Now. I absolutely do not mind answering legitimate inquiries about life. Those are not the questions I am referring to. It's more along the lines of, "But WHY can't I poke the baby in the eyes?",  "Can I stick my finger in the fan?","Can I eat this stick of butter?", after your initial response to the question, be prepared for 439,607,405 'whys', accompanied with a sassy smirk on their face.  

7.) They are SO embarrassing, whether they are hilariously announcing that they "tooted" to the entire waiting room at a doctor's office, dropping their pants in a McDonald's play place because they have to pee, or ((very loudly)) announcing that every older person they see, "looks like Great Grandma", you can rely on the fact that they will embarrass you. Many times. 

8.) They are weird, and they will do stuff that you'll never be able to quite figure out. Like eating so much dirt that they have to be taken to Urgent Care, smearing Vasoline all over their bodies when you're not looking, putting an Iron-Man mask on their rump and calling themselves, "Superhero Butt", or my son's infatuation with my breastfeeding book. 

Or counting for hide and seek like this..

9.) They are a hazard to themselves and others. In any given day, prepare to have at least 4 faux-heart attacks. They climb on everything, jump on everything, fall off of everything, trip over everything, get stuck inside of everything, just make so many bad decisions in general. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion and doing your best to prevent any catastrophic injuries. 

10.) Last but not least, they cannot control their emotions. There are days that I feel like I'm living with a possessed monkey infested with rabies. Either one of my boys can go from the happiest, sweetest, friendliest kids on earth to a "hangry" version of The Incredible Hulk waiting for his beans. BUT as soon as you share with someone how terrible your little Hulk has been that day, they immediately smile, coo and bat their lashes just to make you look like a nut job, 

Basically. Toddlerhood is.... unexpected. Wonderfully, delightfully, unexpected. Even on the worst days, days where you feel like you are the crappiest mother ever, they do this..

and this...