#weedmuke

He sucked in a breath, exhaling it slowly as he closed his eyes in an attempt to relax himself. “Just calm down, Ashton. You can do this.” He encouraged himself, and started walking out the door of his apartment.

He stopped once he realized that it was raining outside - actually, scratch that, it was still raining outside. The rain has been pouring the entire day, which didn’t really make much sense because summer just ended about a week ago. There shouldn’t be any rain for a while, but he shrugged it off because the weather was always so fucked anyways. He quickly grabbed an umbrella and raced outside, heading on over to his girlfriend’s apartment.

He hoped that she hasn’t forgotten about today’s special date. He hasn’t seen her for a while, about six days now actually. The last time he saw her was when they had breakfast together at her apartment last Sunday, she invited him over because simply because she missed him.

He remembered how she looked that day - her hair was pulled into a ponytail, her pink lips were chapped (not that he minded) and she had huge bags under her eyes, but he didn’t really care. She was still beautiful to him even in that state, in fact, she was even more beautiful to him like that.

Once they finished the eggs she prepared for breakfast, she bid him goodbye. She pulled him in for an embrace, and he wrapped his arms around her as well, whispering sweet words in her ear. When he pulled away from her, she pressed a kiss onto his cheek which lingered for a few seconds before she finally pulled away.

She told him that she’ll miss him, and he asked why she was talking like she was gonna leave him. But she just smiled and told him, “I’m just gonna miss my boyfriend. It’s natural for people to miss others when they’ve grown attached.”

After a few minutes of walking, he finally reached her apartment building. He climbed the steps to the third floor, where she lived and knocked on her door a few times. He waited for a response from the other side of the door, and knocked once more when there was none.

He called her name once, twice, but no answer came. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, she couldn’t have possibly forgotten about today did she?

His head turned when one of the neighbors walked out their door, and he quickly called their attention. “Excuse me?”

The middle aged woman whipped around, her storm grey eyes meeting his hazel ones as she flashed him a small smile. “Hello, do you need anything?”

"Forgive me for barging in so late at night," He checked his wrist watch, cringing when he saw that it was ten in the evening. "I really am sorry, I don’t mean to be a bother but have you seen the girl who lives in this apartment?"

The grey haired lady’s eyes flickered to the door number, trying to recall who lived in that apartment right beside hers. “Why are you looking for her? Did she owe you money?”

He shook his head, his dimples making an appearance when he flashed her a dazzling smile. “She’s been running through my dreams, and it’s kinda driving me crazy. I’m.. I’m gonna ask her to marry me.”

The lady’s eyes widened, and she placed a hand over her lips as she gasped. “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. She moved away and she left a few hours ago, I thought you would have known!”

He didn’t want to believe what he was hearing, but part of it did make sense. The way she acted last Sunday was unusual, and now he knew why she was acting that way. She really was leaving, and the worst part was that she never even told him about it.

She failed to mention anything about moving away, she didn’t even give him a proper farewell. He could feel his whole world shatter in an instant, and the lady saw the look on his face, taking her cue to leave.

He ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. This couldn’t possibly be happening, she can’t be gone. Maybe the lady was talking about a different tenant and mixed her up with someone else? That had to be it, this was all just a huge mistake and this wasn’t real. She couldn’t possibly leave without any warning.

He made his way to the next door, which was right across her own. He knocked a few times and asked the teenage boy who answered the door if he knew who she was and asked if he’s seen her. But his answer was no.

He continued asking around, waking the neighbors and all the unfamiliar faces of the people living in the same floor, and soon, the same apartment building. But what he noticed was that they all had the same three responses, and these were either: she moved away, they didn’t know and they didn’t know her.

But he still didn’t want to give up. He doesn’t want to believe that the person he truly loved left him hanging, just like that. He refused to believe that she was gone, and there was nothing he could do or say to bring her back.

He suddenly thought about calling her, but there was this chance that she changed her number since she obviously didn’t want him knowing where she went. But he still tried to anyway, he quickly pulled his phone out and dialed the one number he knew by heart.

His world came crashing down when the operator’s voice was heard from the other line, instead of the voice he was longing to hear. He felt something wet trickle down his chin, wiping it away with a frown when he realized that he was crying. He didn’t even notice.

He leaned up against the wall, rubbing his face with his hands as he continued crying. He didn’t understand why she would just leave all of a sudden, without even saying goodbye or informing him at all. He didn’t do or say anything wrong to make her mad, he did everything he could to make her happy. He literally gave up everything so she could have every inch of happiness, and this is how she was going to repay him?

She couldn’t even love him back.

After eleven months of being together, one would think that they have already exchanged those three little words that mean so much. But no, he was the only one who ever said those words and never did she say them right back to him. She never did.

She told him that she wanted to try, she wanted to try loving him for her own sake. But she couldn’t do just that, he never forced her to love him and she never fell for him, not even the slightest. Even after eleven months, she still couldn’t bring herself to believe in love.

He tried his best to prove her wrong, but it was clear that his best wasn’t enough. She couldn’t even love him back after eleven whole months of being with him.

He couldn’t believe how his life went downhill within a blink of an eye, and it was all because of one girl. But to him, she wasn’t just any girl - he was practically the love of his life. Hell, he would even take a bullet for her even if she was the one behind the trigger.

She absolutely wrecked him, simply because she left him without any explanation. He needed to learn why she just got up and left, was it him? Was he the reason why she left?

He would understand why she would want to leave, there was nothing she wanted to stay back for. But what he couldn’t understand was why she just left without any warning - she had to have a reason why.

He buried his head into his hands, crying out as he tried to let all the hurt out with the tears. All this just because of one girl, all this pain just because of one simple girl.

Thunder rumbled outside, and he let out a bitter laugh. Funny how it rained all day, he thought to himself. “Excuse me?” He heard a feminine voice speak up, and he lifted his head to see who it was. He was then faced with a short ginger haired girl, who had beautiful green eyes and freckles scattered across her pale face.

She flashed the boy a sad smile. “Are you Ashton?” She asked, earning a nod from the boy who was currently trying to control his sobbing. She pulled something out of her satchel, and he made the object out to be an envelope. The girl held it out to him, her eyes clouded with sympathy and sadness.

"What is this?" He murmured, slowly taking the sealed envelope from the tiny girl’s hands. She cast her eyes away from the poor boy, an aching in her chest upon seeing him lose someone he deeply cared for. "It was from her, she asked me to give it to you before she left."

His hazel eyes went wide at her words, and she placed a comforting hand on the stranger’s shoulder. “I’ll leave you to it,” she said, a small smile etched on her face. She dismissed herself soon afterwards, giving the boy some privacy.

He quickly tore the envelope, taking out the piece of paper inside. He trailed his fingers down the sheet of paper, a whimper escaping his lips when he recognized her handwriting.

He then began to read the words, slowly as he tried to take in the message she had left behind for him.

My dearest Ashton,

I know that when you receive this, I’m probably a hundred, maybe a thousand feet off the ground. I have never planned on telling you that I was going to leave, and I never planned on even writing this letter to you. I wanted to leave you behind without any explanation, because it was easier for the both of us that way.

But I couldn’t just leave you hanging. And so, I decided to at least leave you this to explain to you why I left. I hope that you would understand the reason and accept it.

Ashton, I know how you feel about me. I do know how much you love me, and I know that you are willing to do absolutely everything for me. I learned that is what you do for the person you loved. I liked it at first, because you would do anything for me, even if it meant risking yourself in the end.

I liked the thought of having someone who was willing to do absolutely anything for me. So I made the most out of your love for me, using your emotions for my own personal benefit.

But after a while, I started realizing that what I was doing was wrong. I was leading you on. I made you think that I loved you because I accepted everything you had to offer me. I made you think that I did, in fact, feel something for you for such a long time.

I wanted to stop that. I wanted to stop you from giving me everything, I didn’t need you to give me everything because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve someone as wonderful as you, and I definitely do not deserve your love. I wanted to end everything we had, I wanted to set you free so that you can stop loving me.

I tried to do just that, but it was harder than I expected. I realized that I didn’t want to see you hurt, I couldn’t stand to see you in pain. So this is what I decided - I decided to leave. That way, I wouldn’t have to see you get hurt all because of me, and you would eventually move on and find someone better, someone who was worth your love and someone who was willing to return your love.

But leaving you behind had an unexpected effect on me - I was hurt as well. I felt so much pain in my chest that it hurt to breathe, and it felt like I was going to cry. And cry, I did. And do you know what happened after that?

I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. I love you, Ashton. I truly, sincerely, absolutely love you. But I knew that it wasn’t the same kind of love that you had for me, I loved you in a brotherly kind of way but you loved me like a lover. I’m sorry if I never told you that I loved you, Ashton. I figured that if I didn’t, it would hurt you less and it would have been easier for you to let go.

I wanted to thank you for the past thirteen months together. I may not have known you that long, but I know you well enough and I’m thankful that I got to know you. I’m thankful that for once in my life, there was someone like you who actually loved someone like me with their whole heart. Thank you for falling in love with me, Ashton. Thank you for showing me how it feels like to be loved, and thank you for showing me that love truly did exist.

I hope that we find the one person we were destined for. I know what you’re thinking - no, I am not the person you were made for. You need to find your person, and I’m clearly not yours. I wish you luck in finding her, and if you ever find her, please promise me that you will never let her go.

I sincerely hope that you can finally forget about me in your heart. I don’t mean forgetting about me completely, I just want you to forget you ever fell in love with me. You should reserve your love for the right one, alright?

I’m probably on a plane right now, though and I will not tell you where I’m headed. Knowing you, you would hop on the next plane to where I’m going just to find me and to convince me to stay. But I do hope we could see each other one day, as old friends. I will miss you, Ashton, and I hope that you find your person soon enough.

She will come when you least expect it, so please don’t rush trying to find her. I hope she treats you better than I ever did. This is goodbye, Ashton. Once again, I’m sorry for everything - mainly for being such a shitty girlfriend when you did the complete opposite. And thank you for everything. I love you, and you will always be in my heart. Goodbye, friend.

He sniffled upon reading the last line, his eyes were blurry with tears and he had some snot running down his nose but he didn’t give a shit. He just wanted to be alone for a while, and he needed some time to cry everything out.

He carefully folded the letter, placing it in his jean pocket before pushing himself off the wall. He made his way downstairs, the way he walked was zombie-like but he didn’t really care. All he needed to do was head on home, and cry himself to sleep. And maybe even grab some beer to drink the sorrow away.

He stepped outside, not bothering to use the umbrella he brought along with him. He wanted to hide his tears from the people he passed by, and in a way, he felt as if the rain was washing her out of his hair and even his mind.