#wcmemekend

But he doesn’t know why he does any of this--does he?--or where in his life did it become important to him to hoard objects. Most items do not have sentimental value, and fewer still could hardly be considered junk. It’s simply what dragons do, but dragons are meant to hoard actual treasure. Thaddeus has books and undeveloped film and an unreasonable number of instruments and records and vintage wine bottles and military memorabilia--all very human and so unlike his kin that Thaddeus could hardly be considered a dragon. Thaddeus couldn’t be considered human, either, and assimilating for a century has grown exhausting. But so has being empty, and so has being alone. 

Plugging his ears with the sounds of melodies was what gave him some solace, ever since he learned what music was. He’d learn to play the instruments when the bars would close in the morning and he could stop serving drinks; somewhere between the time of blacking out and waking, and there was no noise in those few hours. It only made sense to fill the emptiness, and he could learn the mixing of notes and practice his melodies. Any time he could find a piano or a violin, any time no one was looking. That was where he could go, and that made growing up a little more bearable. 

And now it only makes sense to fill up the walls and the corners--no empty spaces--but sometimes the music grows too loud. When it begins to stagnate, it looks wrong; certain words beckon Thaddeus to destroy everything, take it all back, consume--it’s wrong, it’s all wrong--and he has to reorganize it all until it looks right again and the quiet resumes. 

It's the way there's empty spaces where an "I love you" should be. The words came up once before, all at once like bile, and it was an accident.

Thaddeus tells himself he only said it because he had to justify lobbing Hadyn's arm off--spray the blood of an another in the name of love. It sounded better in his head, when the rest of his senses were charred and nothing but Kai mattered. Back then, Thaddeus hoped Kai would reciprocate, or at least stop crying. Neither of those things took place. Although time has passed, that same empty space has made its home in Thaddeus's chest.

He can't be certain now if love is what he wants and he's avoided saying it ever since.

He already has Kai. That should be good enough without words attached.

Kai has been here.

He even offered to move in with Thaddeus. For the first time in a while, things are simple. That's how it should be. Kai hasn't cried or been mad at Thaddeus or tried to leave, so he must be doing something right.

But it doesn't feel like enough. It feels too unresolved, like a song being silenced before it can reach the very last note.

And in all this time, Kai has not once asked for something in return. Everything is about everyone else. It's not quite painful to see, since Kai is happiest in the happiness he can give to others. But Thaddeus feels less special, in a way; all these happy feelings are shared with everyone. Open, and outpouring, and ignoring the fact that happiness is a limited resource. Kai spreads the happiness he should keep for himself. Thaddeus would rather be the one giving Kai his smile. A secret one that he wouldn’t have to share.  

Maybe Thaddeus has been alone too long, or maybe it's just him being true to his draconian nature, but Kai deserves to be selfish more than anyone. Kai should be allowed to expect more and have more and take anything he wants. Instead, he expects nothing.

Whatever makes you happy.

If that will make you happy.

I'm happy if you're happy.

You. You. You.