#wbb fics

…

paige has been to every single one of the women’s basketball games. she’d always liked watching, even if she’d never played the sport. her parents did try to get her into basketball when she was younger because of her height, but she always seemed uninterested. eventually, they stopped trying.

she doesn’t know why she chose uconn. she probably could’ve went to any school she wanted, honestly, but she wanted something more mundane. storrs was in the middle of nowhere, connecticut, and it was kind of perfect for the college experience she wanted. sure, the dorms were a living hell, but she was a junior now and lived in an off campus apartment with her best (and only) friend, kate.

when she met kate, it was a rather unpleasant experience for her. she got made fun of a lot in high school due to her awkwardness and lanky body, and one of those times, kate happened to be assigned as her partner for a chemistry assignment. she heard a group of girls whispering about paige, and she defended her. “you guys seriously have nothing better to do? she’s not bothering you, so why don’t you shut up and focus on fixing your attitudes? you’re all fucking pathetic,” she’d said, and the other girls flushed in embarrassment.

at first, paige was humiliated. kate brought unwanted attention to her, and everyone was staring at them. she didn’t talk to kate for the rest of the day. they had other classes together, but paige did everything in her power to avoid her. see, kate was way more outgoing than paige. ironically, they could’ve looked like siblings, but they were truly polar opposites. until that day, all paige found in common with her was their sexualities. paige was very obviously gay, but being gay in high school was hard when you didn’t have any charisma or outgoingness. kate had all of that, and she was popular. and hot. plus, she was the captain of the soccer team.

truly, paige had no idea why kate stood up for her. so when the next day came and kate proposed that they exchanged phone numbers, paige accepted the offer. from that moment on, they were inseparable. kate would come to paige’s house almost every day, and paige found that they had way more in common than she’d originally thought. somehow, being associated with kate made her seem more approachable to girls, which she found a bit sad, but she’d never complain about pretty girls asking for her phone number.

by her senior year, she was still extremely quiet, but she found that girls loved her. she’d hooked up with a few of them, and she never told anyone about it, not even kate. it’s not like she was ashamed, or anything. she just didn’t think those girls would want to be mentioned in the same sentence with her, ever.

once she was in college, life was pretty easy for her. she still refused to go to parties, the first one being too overwhelming of an experience for her, but she did sleep with a lot of girls. like, probably an unhealthy amount. somehow, whenever they’d leave, they’d always agree that they’d never speak about paige. she was very smart in her selection, always choosing girls who she knew were as quiet as she was. they were pretty, and they were secretive. paige loved it.

about halfway through her freshman year, she started gaining more confidence with herself. she was still quiet, but she wasn’t as unsure as she was when she came in. she never chased, even if she found a girl extremely beautiful. if they never noticed her, then that was her loss. she didn’t like exerting herself.

in her sophomore year, she shut herself off from the world completely. even kate.

her mom had passed away that year from a heart attack in her sleep. paige was never super close with her, since she’d moved away when paige was super young, but she had only fond memories of the woman. besides, her parents’ divorce had been mutual, and even though it hurt like hell when she moved to montana, paige had no real reason to hate, or even dislike the woman.

so when the day came, paige was in absolute disdain. it was around christmas time, which she was going to spend with her mother. instead, she spent her break mourning the loss with her father. she didn’t tell kate why she went quiet, and when she’d lock herself in her room for hours at a time, only leaving to go to class or the library, kate wouldn’t push her to explain why.

eventually, when kate invited her to her family’s lake house in the summer, paige agreed. one night, she got a little too drunk and let it slip out. she started crying uncontrollably, both at the relief of finally saying it out loud, and also at the pain of remembering. kate had never seen her show so much emotion, and she just hugged her until paige physically couldn’t cry anymore.

but one day, kate suggested that they’d go to a game together. the basketball season was starting again, and paige went to all of the games. she always sat in the upper sections, not bothering to sit in the overwhelming student section. she’d never camped out for any of them, but kate was implying she wanted to do exactly that. it took some bribery (“paige, cmon! please? i’ll buy you a jersey”), but eventually paige caved. so, there she was, camping out at seven in the fucking morning.

paige was tired. she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten, and it was freezing. she definitely should’ve prepared better, but she’d been there since five am, so there was no backing out now. it was a saturday, so at least it was an earlier game and she’d get to sleep afterwards.

the hours ticked by slowly, and paige could tell kate was probably hungry. she doordashed some food for the two of them, paige practically inhaling hers once it arrived. her shift at the on campus café ran late last night, so she hadn’t really thought to eat, too exhausted to care about her upset stomach. the breakfast burrito from the cafe was perfect. plus, the employee discount didn’t hurt.

just as she’s about to cry from how fucking delicious the breakfast burrito is, kate nearly makes her choke on her food. “paige, when was the last time you had sex?”

paige’s eyes widened. she wasn’t super open about her sexual endeavors, but kate had caught onto the fact that she’d had at least some experience. she didn’t know how much, at least paige hoped she didn’t, so she just told her the honest answer. “uh —” she thought about it briefly. to be real, she had no clue. she kinda stopped doing it her freshman year? sophomore year was a blur, but that sounded more correct. “i think,” she said, inhaling deeply. “i think it was right before my mom died,” she exhaled. “so almost a year.”

reminders of the day still flashed in her mind, even though she’d tried her hardest to flush them out. she picked up a heavy drinking problem on her own, but she didn’t tell anyone about it except her dad. she’d stopped by the end of summer, so she didn’t think it was worth the trouble to scare kate.

she really doesn’t remember much of that time, even though a lot of it was less than a year ago. she never blacked out, at least not when she was on campus. she did black out at her dad’s a couple of times, but he didn’t know that she’d actually been struggling since december.

by mid-august, she was off alcohol completely. it wasn’t an easy experience for her, but she was happy it hadn’t gotten too uncontrollable.

kate interjects, stopping paige from thinking about her terrible sophomore year and how it was stolen from her. she looks at her sympathetically, blurting out a “damn.”

paige side eyes her. she knows she probably sounds pathetic. she knows she deserved to have more out of her college years. she knows she won’t be this young forever. stupid fucking death had to take all of it away from her.

and really, it’s a legitimate excuse. she probably should’ve taken a break from college, prioritizing her wellbeing instead. but there was nothing she could do about it now. she was slowly but surely getting better, and truly, grief was a process. she’d get back out into the world.

eventually. probably. hopefully.

“kate, i don’t want anything temporary anymore. i’m too old for that shit.”

kate scoffed. “you’re twenty one. not fifty,” she teased. “and even if you were, i bet you’d still be hot.”

all paige could do was scoff since she couldn’t really disagree on that claim. she’d grown into herself, now being six feet tall and, thanks to the gym, pretty muscular. she knew she was at least slightly attractive. plus, she was blonde. girls loved blonde mascs. six foot tall, muscular, blonde mascs? yeah, she probably could be getting some.

still, she liked to wear hoodies and sweatpants, so people probably didn’t notice how much discipline she poured into herself. plus, she was an aerospace engineering major, so she spent any extra time she had studying or working. the women’s basketball games were an exception she’d allowed herself. at this point, they were probably the most fun she had.

they ended up being allowed in around 11 am, and her and kate get front row seats. as people continue filing in and the student section fills, paige starts to acclimate herself. she might not be used to the environment but she’d do anything she could to enjoy it. kate deserved that.

…

game days at uconn are azzi’s favorite. especially the afternoon games. liam always buys her breakfast to wish her luck, and he always sits right in front of her, holding a huge poster of her face.

today, he’s not there. instead, there’s a tall blonde woman who azzi swears she recognizes from somewhere. she was wearing a navy blue uconn hoodie and gray sweatpants, and she looked almost out of place, like she didn’t know what her arms were supposed to be doing. purple glasses sat on her face, and she bites her lip anxiously as she stares at a spot on the floor.

she stands in liam’s spot, but azzi isn’t as upset as she probably should be. she’s sure her boyfriend will bother her about it later, saying his spot was stolen, but really, it’s not like he owns it. blondie won it fair and square. azzi can’t help but smile at the girl when they make eye contact. the girl quickly batted her eyes back down to the floor, and her pale face turned bright red. azzi giggled. she was cute.

azzi looked around the student section to see if she could spot liam. sure enough, he was still sitting front row, but he was on the complete opposite side of azzi. she sent him a wave, and he sent one back, a disappointed smile taking over his face.

…

paige knows exactly who that cheerleader is. honestly, she’d been staring at her from across their econ class since the beginning of the semester, with her beautiful light brown skin and kind eyes. azzi fudd. captain of the dance team, and liam grant’s girlfriend. god, his name was so stupid. he was stupid. admittedly, he wasn’t an ugly guy, so it made sense that azzi was dating him. they made sense. he was the captain of the soccer team. was it a little bit cliche? maybe. but really, they’d probably have good looking kids someday.

paige definitely doesn’t stand a chance with her. she doesn’t even know azzi likes girls, let alone knows she exists. well, she definitely knows paige exists now, but she’ll probably forget about her existence by tomorrow. whatever. paige would move on.

but still, call paige crazy, but that smile had to be directed at her. maybe she was just doing charity work, but still, paige didn’t mind at all. god, she was so stupid, immediately breaking eye contact from how nervous she got.

but she couldn’t help it. azzi was drop dead gorgeous. perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect dimples.

and not to sound like a freak or anything, but jesus christ, that woman’s body was something else. her legs went on for miles, and her abs were fully on display in that uniform. she was strong, and she was beautiful, and she definitely knew it.

which is why paige forced herself to stop dreaming about what it would be like to have her. she knew azzi would never spare her another look again, and she wasted the only one she’d ever get. fuck.

the game starts, and it’s not super intense. uconn has full control of the game, grabbing every rebound and turning nearly every single one of seton hall’s possessions into a steal and score. by halftime, the huskies are up by twenty points. kate suggests leaving to grab a drink, to which paige declines.

the cheerleading team performs a version of dcc’s thunderstruck dance, with azzi leading, and paige is going insane. she probably should’ve taken kate’s offer, but it’s too late now. her heart races as she watches azzi, and she’s sure she’s being extremely obvious with the way her cheeks are heating up, but she can’t pull her eyes away.

azzi’s mechanical, her muscles flexing with every movement, and she looks like she’s not even breaking a sweat despite all of the jumping she’s doing. they finish their dance, and azzi looks up at the crowd smiling. luckily, she’s looking up at the fans and not the student section, so paige lets herself stare a little longer before azzi turns to walk back towards the students.

the players rush back out to the court, starting their second half warmups, and paige pretends to scroll through her phone so azzi doesn’t catch her staring. unfortunately, her plan doesn’t work, since azzi does exactly that. she smiles at paige again, and this time, paige tries to muster a smile back at her. she’s sure she probably looks ridiculous, but when a pretty girl smiles at her, she has to return the favor. like, duh.

the third quarter passes quickly, with uconn having full control of the game midway through, and most of the starters are benched with three minutes left. by the fourth, it’s a blowout, and uconn wins by a calm 54 points.

paige and kate shuffle out with the rest of the students after the game, and they decide to grab lunch off campus. they settle on chipotle, and when they sit down kate looks extremely mischievous.

paige glares at her as she shoves chicken into her mouth, muttering a “what.”

kate giggles. “nothing.”

paige rolls her eyes. “kate, i can tell it’s not nothing. just say it.”

immediately, kate’s face lights up at the opportunity to be nosy, and paige can already sense where this is going as soon as she opens her mouth. “so. azzi fudd.”

paige lets out a deep sigh. “what about her?”

“don’t do that, p. i’m pretty sure everyone saw her staring you down tonight,” kate says, smiling.

“you’re crazy,” paige replies. “plus, she has a boyfriend.”

“okay? and?” kate asks, not seeing the blatant issue getting with someone in a relationship.

“and,” paige starts, “she probably doesn’t even like girls.”

“you don’t know that,” kate says with an eye roll.

“whatever, bro. you’re so nosy about my love life. when’s the last time you slept with someone?” she asks, playfully smacking kate’s arm from across the table.

“dude,” kate starts. “last week,” she answers promptly. “and i see you trying to dodge me. just know, this isn’t over.”

paige rolls her eyes as kate changes the subject.

paige bueckers hates airports. the way they seem sterile and frozen, like everything is too clean but also somehow covered in a layer of grime. the way the people move (more like push) like she's not even there, making the whole place seem way too loud but still not loud enough. mostly she just hates the waiting. waiting in security, waiting to board, waiting to actually get there. her skin buzzes, mind racing, like it can make time flow faster by sheer will. it’s exhausting. 

she was on a flight back to minnesota, and even though she’d taken plenty of flights on her own by now, today she felt a bit on edge. like something was supposed to happen and she had already missed it.

paige looks down at her ticket, trying to figure out where her seat was when her eyes caught on familiar head of wild curls. 

no way. 

she felt the smile before it happened. “azzi?”

chocolate brown (or something warmer) eyes snap up to look at her, wide and surprised, and paige doesn’t let herself think about the urge to fall into them. she just swings her bag off her shoulder and plops down next to her. 

azzi seems to have finally realized what’s happening. “paige, what are you doing? is this your seat?”

“i dunno.”

“what do you mean you don’t know?”

paige shrugged. “gave up on trying to figure out which seat i was supposed to be in 5 rows ago. besides, why would i want to sit anywhere else?”

a little crease forms in between azzi’s eyebrows. normally, when paige sees a crease like that, it’s followed by a sinking feeling, that eventual realization that maybe she’s too much. but right now, all she just wants to do is take her finger and smooth it out herself. 

“paige, that’s not how it works.”

“no one’s kicked me out yet.”

“they’re going to.”

“nuh uh.”

azzi lets a sort of incredulous laugh. paige lets a lopsided smile sneak out at the sound. “you’re crazy. and completely wrong. that is not how planes work.”

paige crosses her arms and sticks her chin out.“well i want to sit next to you, so i’ve decided that this is how planes work.” 

she looks over at azzi, entirely proud of herself and ready to let something equally ridiculous spill out of her mouth when azzi beats her to it.

“why would you want to sit next to me?”

paige can only stare at her. “huh?”

“it’s just, i’m not like you. i’m quiet. i just don’t know why you’d want to sit next to me, much less break the rules of airplane seating for the chance.”

paige inhales, searching for a response. azzi is right, she is quiet. like the way home can be when you’ve been away for too long. when everything stops and finally clicks into place. that kind of quiet. but azzi said the word like she meant to say small instead and paige doesn’t know how to tell her how big azzi has become in paige’s life without seeming like a complete psychopath. she settles on the truth. 

“i like the quiet when i’m with you. it’s nice.”

azzi doesn’t say anything, just looks her with that heavy gaze. paige has to stop herself from squirming. 

she turns back to her book, a ghost of a smile on her lips, and paige mentally fist pumps. “when you get kicked out of that seat, i’m going to pretend i don’t know you.”

“i’m not going to-” 

“i think you’re in my seat.”

a middle aged woman is looking down at her, looking slightly exasperated and clearly expectant. paige grimaces and azzi giggles next to her.

paige stands up and puts on her best trust-me smile. “hi ma’am. you're right. this is your seat, but i would really appreciate it if you’d trade seats with me.”

she raises an eyebrow. “and why would i do that?”

“well, you see, azzi here is terrified of flying, and i would hate to leave her alone. not after we just won a gold medal together. that’s just bad sportsmanship.”

paige hears a scoff come from azzi's general direction and is very proud of herself for keeping her composure and not sticking her tongue out at her.

“you won a gold medal together?”

“yeah, a couple actually. couldn’t have done it without her.”

if this lady notices how her voice goes soft at the last sentence, she doesn’t mention it. she just sighs and holds out her hand and it takes paige a second to realize she wants her ticket. she smiles and hands it over, nearly bouncing on her toes.

the woman's eyes switch from the ticket, to paige, to azzi, and back to the ticket, with the unearned confidence every adult has when they think they're right about something. which is most of the time.

she sighs again (if sighing was an olympic sport, she would win, paige thinks unhelpfully) and moves on, mumbling something about kids and stupid young love. paige stares after her as she makes her way to the last couple of rows, worried that she might turn around and change her mind. she's pretty dead set on sitting next to azzi by now and she doesn't want to throw a punch at a middle aged lady just to keep it. 

once she's sure that no one, not that lady or the plane police, is gonna come make her change seats, she drops back down next to azzi, arms flailing a little wildly. azzi doesn't look up from her book. paige gets distracted by the crook of azzi's neck that looked like it could be the perfect place to fall asleep on. she wants to find out. 

"told you were going to get kicked out."

"i literally didn't."

"because you're some sort of magical charmer that can get herself out of anything."

"you think i'm charming?"

azzi looks at her then with the same exasperated face she wears when paige blocks her shot during shootaround. her eyebrows tilt up and her eyes squint in a way that makes her irises look impossibly bigger. 

"not what i meant, p."

"but you were thinking it."

"no, i was thinking about how stupid you are. can't believe you risked getting yelled at just to sit here."

…

paige remembers the day of her mom’s death like it was yesterday. she was just leaving class when she saw that she’d missed twenty calls from her dad, and immediately knew something was off.

the week it happened was so peaceful. it was almost as if the universe was trying to fuck with her before uprooting everything.

despite their distance, paige still had the classic mother-daughter connection with her mom. so when she finally called her father back, and he broke the news to her, she just went numb to the world.

her mom was the one who’d introduced the idea of aerospace engineering. she bought her model rocket ships every year for christmas, each one becoming more complex than the last. little paige loved rocket ships, always fascinated how a machine could take you all the way to space and back. amy noticed her interest immediately, and asked if paige wanted to be a rocket scientist some day. paige quickly nodded, and she remembered her mom laughing before encouraging her to do whatever she set her mind do.

paige was a smart young girl, and her parents could tell from an early age. neither of them were particularly gifted at math, so when they saw her unusual interest and ease in numbers, they knew she was different.

it started when paige was in kindergarten. her teachers immediately found that she was gifted, always finishing her math worksheets in seconds. they started giving her more complicated math, and when those became too easy, they recommended that paige skipped a couple of grades.

paige didn’t want that though. she thought of the attention it would bring if she skipped just to do harder math, and declined. by the time she was in the second grade, all students in her grade were required to take an iq test.

paige laughs a little at that thought. she remembers liking that test, since it was mostly just patterns and simple numbers.

that was the week her parents got divorced. yeah, the universe definitely loved fucking with her.

when her results came back and paige proved to be brilliant, her teachers met with her dad to figure out a plan. they proposed the idea of bumping her ahead again, but bob didn’t want to do that if paige didn’t want it. as an alternative, paige started leaving to do math with the fifth graders. the math was still easy, and she started getting harder worksheets made for seventh graders. those were easy too, and by the time paige was in the fifth grade, she was doing pre-calculus, learning by watching khan academy videos that her teacher would assign to her.

sometimes, she’d hear the kids laughing when she’d leave, since they’d apparently thought it was because she needed extra help.

paige wishes she was less humble then. those kids needed to know she’d never struggled with math a day in her life.

one day, a girl, lainey, defended her. after sitting next to her one day, before paige had started taking math with the fifth graders, she noticed how quickly paige would finish their tests.

lainey was her only friend in elementary school, and she reminded paige of kate. always kind to paige, never scared to step up for her. she also played soccer, and paige would go to a lot of her games with bob.

by middle school, her dad switched her to an all-girls catholic academy. it was prestigious, and paige remembers the stupid skirts she had to wear, always making her feel uncomfortable in her own skin.

paige recalls those days, remembering her first crush on a girl and how scary it was. her name was hailey, and she was paige’s only friend at the time. she’d come over to paige’s house nearly every week, and bob started wondering if it was more than friendship to her. he asked her one day, and her lack of response was enough of an answer to him.

he hugged her tightly that day, assuring her that he fully supported her. truly, he meant a lot to her.

she came out to hailey near the end of eighth grade, since she thought she could trust her. as soon as the words left her mouth, she realized that she’d entirely miscalculated how hailey would react.

instead of being met with love and acceptance, hailey screamed at her, telling her that god would never love her if she “chose” that path.

paige started becoming skeptical of god and religion from that day on. it didn’t make sense to her, because it’s not like she could control who she loved.

to make matters worse, hailey had made up a rumor that paige tried to kiss, her, which was completely false. the girls would whisper about her and call her names, and paige remembers crying every day until the school year ended. not only had hailey betrayed paige by outing her, but she’d also humiliated her by lying. her dad asked if she wanted to switch schools, but she insisted that she’d tough it out.

by high school, paige met kate. she no longer followed religion. at the time, other people weren’t as cruel to her about her sexuality, but instead it was her awkwardness. she’d always struggle to speak loud enough when they’d talk to her, and her face would heat up every time. sometimes, they’d just spit back a “huh?” as if they couldn’t hear her and then turn around to laugh with their friends.

there was a specific instance where one of her physics classmates, pretending to act interested, asked what paige’s dream career was. his name was kycen, and he sat right behind paige. people never asked paige that question, so she got excited and talked about her dreams of becoming an aerospace engineer. she’d never talked to someone other than kate for that long before, but when she finished talking, kycen was taking a video of her on snapchat. paige caught a glance of his screen, and the video was captioned “she thinks i give a fuck???”

paige never gave a legitimate answer when people would ask after that. she’d just shrug and say that she wanted to do business.

when paige looks back at her high school years, she wishes she could’ve gone back and told that girl she’d be okay.

paige considered taking a break from college to spend time with her dad when her mom passed. she brought up the possibility to bob, and though he was grateful to hear her willingness to put the most important thing in her life on pause to help him, he declined. to this day, paige is grateful. she was going to finish school for herself, and, more importantly, her mom.

paige had never seen her dad cry as much as he did during that christmas break. paige couldn’t even remember herself crying as much as she did during that period of time. eventually, when time came to leave, she’d promised to allow herself one hour a week to think about her mom. was it unfair to her? maybe. because truthfully, grief had no timeline. but if she spent too much time feeling sorry for herself, she’d lose focus of the good things she did have.

…

after spending a few hours studying, paige finally gets ready for bed. she hasn’t checked her phone all day, and she smiles when she sees that azzi has followed her instagram.

she’s sure azzi has pure intentions, but she’s not quite comfortable letting her guard down yet. she follows her back, immediately sending her a series of messages.

pbueckers5: hey this is probably super inconvenient

pbueckers5: but do you have a finsta or something? like kate

pbueckers5: if you do could you follow me on that instead lol

paige rarely uses instagram, and it took a lot of convincing from kate to get her to download it in the first place. paige agreed if kate made a burner account to follow her. she didn’t want to somehow get found in kate’s following, so kate agreed. the only people who follow it are her cousins and kate, and now, azzi. all the accounts (except for azzi’s) are burners.

a notification pops up at the top of a screen, and she sees an account that is, presumably, azzi’s burner. it has no profile picture, but it’s pretty hard to find paige’s instagram, and she’s never gotten a follow request from someone she didn’t know. she was very good at hiding.

paige follows the account back, and she doesn’t receive any texts for a few minutes. she gets worried that maybe she had let someone random into her account, but just as she’s about to block it, she’s relieved to have her suspicions proven wrong.

azjf35: is that your little brother?

paige smiles, before reminding herself to not let her guard down fully yet. azzi has a boyfriend, and, as far as paige knows, doesn’t like girls.

they text for about ten minutes, and paige tries to reciprocate the same energy. it’s kind of hard, especially because azzi seems to like fucking with her feelings. there was no reason for her to be acting so friendly with paige so early on in their friendship.

paige sends azzi one last set of texts before shutting her phone off and reaching under her bed.

it’s that time of the week when she spends time with her mom. she grabs the heart-shaped box, opening it to look through the stack of pictures of amy.

it’s hard, seeing her, and knowing that there’s nothing paige can do to bring her back. immediately, she feels her eyes start to pool up. she doesn’t blink back the tears, giving herself time to flip through the stack.

she kisses every photo, holding each one close to her chest for a few moments. once she gets back to the first photo, she puts the stack back in the box.

every time paige spends time with her mom, she writes her a letter. she knows amy will never see them, but she finds comfort in knowing that she’s not keeping everything she wants to say encapsulated in her brain. sometimes it’s only a couple of sentences, and sometimes, she runs out of paper.

she sighs, wiping her tears, and grabs the pen and paper off her desk. she has a lot to say, but she’s tired, so she does her best to keep it brief.

dear mom,

college is going well. i hope that, if it exists, heaven is the same. you deserve to be living the best life in the clouds.

this week was crazy, but also, good. dad won’t be able to spend thanksgiving with me, but kate says she’d love to have me.

speaking of kate, she’s doing good, too. she’s been talking to this girl, lucy. i haven’t met her yet, at least not formally, but kate seems to like her a lot. i’m happy for her. she deserves it.

she also got me to sit in the student section for the game. that was definitely an experience. it was kind of overwhelming. and terrifying, and we also had to wake up at four in the morning to get good seats, but it was pretty fun. i probably wouldn’t do it again, though.

i made a new friend! (i hope).

her name is azzi. she’s a cheerleader. very pretty. she asked for my instagram today, and we’ve been texting a little bit.

don’t worry, she has a boyfriend. he seems nice. plays soccer or something.

i need to print out some more photos of you. the ones i have now are great, but they’re practically all burned into my skull at this point.

she pauses before adding the last part.

if you’re with god, please send him my regards.

i love you, and i hope i see you again someday, whether it’s in heaven or in another lifetime.

with love,

p.

she sets the pen back down on her desk just as the one hour timer rings out, and moves back onto the floor to fold the paper into the box. she hears her phone buzz, but leaves it charging on her desk. whoever it was could wait until tomorrow. paige was too tired right now.

…

she wakes up early the next morning to go to the gym. it’s become somewhat of an escape for her. she’d started going after her mom’s death when she needed to take her mind off things.

she replies to azzi’s dm from last night before she forgets, and gets ready for the gym.

yesterday 10:58 pm

azjf35: you coming to the game tomorrow?

today 4:24 am

pbueckers5: if i’m not too tired after the gym, yeah

today, she wears a white t-shirt and a pair of black nike shorts, and because november is always cold in connecticut, she throws on a black sweat set. she finds a beanie to keep her ears warm, and puts it on after combing her hair back into a low ponytail.

when she gets to the gym, it’s mostly empty. early mornings always are, and paige is grateful. she always starts her workout on the treadmills, doing a quick 20-minute jog to warm up.

she takes off her shirt, not wanting to soak it with sweat, and starts the machine.

she doesn’t listen to music when she runs anymore. one time, she’d gotten too focused on the lyrics and ended up tripping and nearly falling off the treadmill. she doesn’t know if anyone actually saw her, but the experience was humiliating enough to never replicate again.

instead, she likes to try and watch whatever game is playing on the tv that sits in front of the machines. the lineup isn’t at all entertaining, and it never is, so she always just ends up looking around the gym. people watching was nice.

about ten minutes into her workout, she sees a familiar face checking in. it’s azzi. she’s wearing a light pink sweat set, and she’s walking directly towards paige.

no way. azzi was never at the gym at this time. had paige really never noticed her?

she seemingly spots paige, and waves in her direction. paige raises her hand to wave back, still in complete confusion. obviously, azzi went to the gym. it was obvious. her physique clearly required a lot of discipline and time.

but paige has been here at the same time, nearly every day, for the last year. she swears she’s never been here with azzi.

azzi walks towards the locker room, probably to put her stuff away, and when she walks out, paige nearly dies. she kind of hopes she trips on this treadmill, maybe falls on her face and sustains a concussion. at least then she’d have an escape.

and god fucking damn it. the gym was supposed to be the escape. right now, it didn’t feel that way at all. because azzi is wearing a pink workout set that accentuates the curve of her hips and reveals the toned muscle of her shoulders, and suddenly paige is seriously considering tripping on purpose.

she smiles at paige before getting on the treadmill closest to her, even though there’s a million other fucking treadmills she could’ve gotten on, and she starts jogging.

thankfully, paige only has five more minutes until she’s done with her warmup. she spends that time trying to look at anything other than azzi, but she slips up one time, right before she’s about to get off.

just as paige looks over at azzi, though, she notices azzi snapping her head back in front of her, almost as if she was looking at paige, too. neither of them acknowledge it, but paige files it in her mind to unpack later.

she turns her treadmill off, putting her shirt on before stepping away. she starts walking away, but azzi’s “wait for me!” stops her. azzi looks back at her once before turning her treadmill off, asking, “where are we going?”

her question catches paige off guard. had she really somehow figured out what time paige works out just to join her? her brain lags, the morning apparently making her mute, but mutters out a quiet, “uh — i was about to hit legs, if you wanna join.”

azzi nods and smiles, letting out an enthusiastic, “let’s go!” which is entirely too alert for how fucking early in the morning it is, but it’s also kind of cute, so paige allows it and smiles. maybe it was nice to have a friend to work out with. azzi teases, adding “bet i can leg press more than you,” pointedly flexing her quads.

paige catches a glimpse of azzi’s legs, and her smile drops. her cheeks turn red, and oh my fucking god, she thinks.

except she definitely says it out loud, and azzi definitely hears it. she also clearly saw paige staring at her legs, full body laughing now, and paige turns around to leave. not because she wants to be rude, but because she’s embarrassed to have made such a dumb comment around such a beautiful girl.

and paige really wishes she could tell azzi how gorgeous she is, but she doesn’t want to seem like she wants anything more then friendship, even if she so desperately does, because that would make things weird.

just as paige starts walking towards the locker room, azzi catches her arms from behind and turns her around.

“stop running from me, paige. i’m not laughing at you, swear,” she says, sincere look on her face. “that was just cute,” she says a soft smile on her face. “also, if you take off your shirt it’ll probably help,” she adds, turning around to sit on the machine.

paige taking her shirt off would help her leg press more? the logic didn’t make any sense, but whatever azzi wants, azzi gets. paige reached for the bottom of her shirt, hesitating before pulling it over her head. she feels exposed, but reminds herself there’s not that many people in the gym anyways.

azzi gets off the machine, and paige is pretty sure she’s being ogled. interesting. maybe azzi wasn’t as straight as paige thought. whatever. maybe she was just appreciating the blonde’s physique. she did work hard for it, after all.

paige adjusts the machine to her desired weight, and starts her second set. she feels azzi’s eyes on her, and tries to make conversation. she grunts out a “you usually come to the gym this early?” while looking up at azzi as she prepares for her second rep.

she pushes, and azzi chokes out a, “no, just got your notification and thought i’d join.”

paige hums. how thoughtful of her. paige really didn’t mind it. it was quite nice having someone to talk to for once. it gives something to listen to other than the terrible gym playlist. also, azzi’s voice was nice, so that didn’t hurt. as she goes in for her fourth rep, she grunts out, “you could start coming with me, if you’d like that.”

she looks up at azzi again, who’s staring directly at her exposed abs. noted. paige would never wear a shirt again. consider all of her shirts burned, actually. azzi coughs, muttering out a “would love to.”

paige nods, finishing up her last few reps. she stands up, a bit exasperated, and looks at azzi, pointedly looking her up and down before motioning for her to sit down. azzi coughs, again, before studying paige’s eyes. “you’re not wearing your glasses.”

paige smiles at that, getting flustered and shaking her head. she murmurs out, “you just noticed?”

now it’s azzi’s turn to shake her head. “no, just — you look good.”

jesus. her shirt, now her glasses. at this point, paige might just throw away all of her belongings and start over. still, she does her best attempt at teasing azzi. “you don’t think i look good with them?”

azzi scrambles to defend herself. “no. you look good all the time.” paige raises her eyebrows. “i just meant —” azzi pauses, “i’ve never seen you without them, is all,” she adds quietly.

paige nods, gracefully letting it go. she looks at azzi once more before motioning at the machine again with her head, and azzi seems to remember where she is.

paige can’t remember the last time she’s flirted with a girl, and she does feel a little bit guilty since azzi has an entire boyfriend, but the opportunity presented itself and paige just had to take it.

one thing about paige: yes, she was shy, but when she had an upper hand on a woman, she slipped into the role easily. in every other area of life, she couldn’t do it, feeling too awkward, but right now? it was coming to her naturally.

and seeing azzi in that workout set was making her imagine things she probably shouldn’t. added that to the faces azzi was making as her chest heaved through her set? yeah, paige was going insane. azzi stands up from the seat, stepping close enough for paige to count the freckles on her face, and breathes out a, “your turn,” before swallowing.

she doesn’t move, so paige nods and mutters out a “‘scuse me,” while grabbing azzi’s hips to move past her. azzi’s body tenses, feeling the change in paige’s demeanor, and she inhales deeply. paige only keeps her hands there for a brief moment after, but she can see azzi trying to recollect herself.

somehow, they get through their last sets without getting sidetracked again, and the majority of their workout is uneventful.

until they get to the squat rack. the first sets are easy, neither of them needing heavy spots since they were just warmups.

but when they got to their third set, azzi asks paige to stay close to her. paige knows how to do it, but just to mess with azzi, she asks for a demonstration. paige does one squat with azzi standing behind her, looking in the mirror and pretending to act clueless.

now, paige is standing directly behind azzi, and really, it shouldn’t be making her feel as insane as it does. she’d done this for kate a million times, and it wasn’t a hard task then. right now, though, paige’s pelvis is about two inches into azzi’s ass, and if she took just a couple steps forward, they’d be stepping into uncharted territory. she keeps a respectable distance, guiding azzi through the set, but on the last rep, azzi’s legs almost give out, and paige has to help her muscle the bar back onto the rack.

paige quickly drops her arms once it’s secured, but azzi immediately backs up into her from her fatigue. it’s not on purpose, and she mutters a “sorry,” but doesn’t move. paige genuinely might hang herself on the pull up bar. because now, that scenario she’d been imagining has come to fruition, and it’s ten times worse now that she really does have azzi’s plump ass against her. her mind flashes a terrible image, but she ignores it.

she coughs, grabbing azzi’s hips to steady her, tapping them with a “you good?”

when azzi lightly nods, still tense from paige’s touch, paige goes to adjust the rack again. she waits for azzi to gain control of her limbs before starting, and her set goes by smoothly, minus azzi basically carrying her through her last rep. paige may have pretended to struggle a little more than she actually did on that one, but nobody had to know.

they do a cooldown set, both of them drenched in sweat, and end their workout there, since it’s 6:30 am now, and azzi has to start getting ready for her morning practice.

they walk through the locker room together to grab their stuff, but just as paige begins her departure, azzi steps in front of her. “so. are you coming to the game tonight?” she asks, looking up with a hopeful gaze in her eyes.

“why? you gonna look for me?” paige asks. she’s truly exhausted, but if azzi wants her to be there, she won’t hesitate to show up.

azzi nods, searching paige’s eyes. and wow, paige definitely couldn’t say no now.

paige smiles, muttering a “maybe i’ll be there, then.” when azzi smiles back at her, she adds, “got work, first though.” she tries to hint that she needs to leave, but azzi’s feet stay planted in front of her, and she looks like she wants to ask paige something.

“where do you work?” azzi asks, trying to stall so paige won’t leave.

“a cafe,” paige says vaguely.

“which one?” azzi asks, needing a legitimate answer. “i wanna see you after practice.”

paige blushes at the thought of azzi visiting her after practice, and mutters out, “dunno.”

azzi squints suspiciously. “you don’t know what cafe you work at?”

paige shakes her head. “you’ll have to figure that out on your own,” she says, trying to maneuver around azzi so she can leave. at this rate, she’ll be late to her shift. it’s not a far drive, but azzi’s not moving, and paige really does have to go.

after a few seconds of azzi trying to gather her words, she pulls out her phone and hands it to page. “give me your number. please,” she politely demands, and paige hesitates before entering her number. she sets her name as “p” and hands the phone back to azzi. azzi looks at her phone for a moment, and then back at paige. she boxes paige in again, and paige raises her eyebrows at her. azzi raises her eyebrows, too, challenging her, and paige grabs her waist. azzi’s breath sharpens, and paige smirks at the reaction before moving her out of the way and tapping her on the waist as a goodbye.

she doesn’t look back as she walks out of the locker room. when she gets in her car and queues up her music, she sees a text from an unsaved number.

unknown: what section u sitting in

she saves the contact as “a” and sends back a quick reply.

p: going to work. talk later?

a: you’re annoying

paige smiles before switching her phone off to drive away.

…

every morning paige works at the cafe, she brews herself a black coffee. kate’s always called her a freak for it, but it keeps her alert. sure, it tastes bitter as shit, but it’s consistent, and paige appreciates it. sweet coffees are good, but somehow they never taste the same. when paige drinks black coffee, it gives her the same bite every time.

her shift is stressful today, because most of the customers are students getting ready to camp out outside of gampel. paige is used to it, though, and even with a couple of impatient customers, she doesn’t fold under the pressure. she’s only worked here for a couple of months, but she’s quickly learned that rude customers don’t care about new employees.

one particular makes her week, though. azzi walks in around 8:30 am, sweaty from her practice. she’s still wearing her pink sweatsuit, and paige wonders why she’d do that if she’s sweating, but then she remembers that azzi probably doesn’t want to be wearing a sports bra and tight shorts to an on-campus cafe in the morning.

paige is grateful, because she’s the only one besides azzi’s teammates who got to see that. well, also her stupid boyfriend. that makes her a bit jealous, internally, once she remembers that azzi’s going to be wearing that fucking cheer uniform later, and her abs will be on display for everyone in that arena to see, and then she’ll go home fucking liam.

paige doesn’t know why she feels so possessive over azzi all of a sudden. maybe it’s the way azzi approached her in the dining hall that way, as if she’d been waiting to pounce. paige noticed how azzi started showing up where she was on campus every day, and it did spark her interest, because their schedules didn’t really align except for the one class.

she really doesn’t like the way she feels so trusting of azzi, especially because they’ve really only been friends for less than twenty-four hours. paige has known who azzi is for much longer, but she’s not planning on vocalizing that, because it’d probably make it weird.

it’s really not weird, because azzi was a cheerleader, so obviously paige would notice her if she’s at nearly every single game. but still, how is she supposed to let azzi know that she’s had a tiny-little-maybe-slightly-insane obsession with her since the first time she saw the woman.

she remembers that day vividly. her and kate were sitting in the lower bowl that time, since it was a ranked matchup and they wanted a closer view. the tickets weren’t too terribly expensive, so paige bought them after seeing how excited kate was. originally, they were going to sit in their typical area, but paige really couldn’t resist.

she caught glimpses of azzi, but it was mostly her back. she didn’t really get a good look until halftime, and she was immediately entranced by azzi’s entire persona. it shone through the way she danced, and when she smiled at the end, it didn’t look forced like how most cheerleaders made it look. it was real, and it was genuine, and paige could truly see that azzi was meant for the spotlight.

after the game, she might have insta-stalked for the first time ever. she didn’t follow azzi, and if she accidentally liked one of her posts at 2 am, she was grateful that azzi seemingly never noticed.

she realizes she’s been daydreaming for way too long, blankly starting at azzi, when the brunette speaks. “paige,” she started, and adds “anyone home?” as paige shakes her head to blink back into the present.

“yeah, sorry,” she mutters. “what can i get for you?” she asks, looking at azzi.

azzi smiles, giggling out, “can i just get a small sugar-free iced vanilla latte?” paige nods, but then realizes she’s been logged out of the program, and groans.

she goes to make azzi’s coffee before she forgets it, and waits for the ipad to start back up. “small sugar-free iced vanilla latte,” she says, smiling at azzi as she slides it across the counter. “so how’d you find me?”

“asked kate,” azzi briefly explains. she takes a sip of the drink, smiling with delight. thank god. if she hated it, paige probably would’ve died on the spot. “this is really good, wow,” she practically moans, and paige giggles.

it takes a while to restart the ipad, and now there’s a line of angry customers behind azzi. she turns bright red as they start expressing their frustration, and azzi turns around, loudly speaking, “be patient. she’s clearly the only one working, and if you weren’t so lazy, you could be making the drinks on your own. be grateful,” she says, scoffing at the end. “god, people are such bitches,” she says in disgust. “take your time,” azzi says, offering a smile to paige.

paige smiles back at her, and the network finally turns back on. she puts azzi’s order into the system and just as azzi’s about to tap her card to pay, paige shakes her off. “‘s okay. this one’s on me,” she mutters. “thank you,” she says, “for being so nice.”

azzi tilts her head gratefully. “you sure? i was about to give you a huge tip.”

paige shakes her head insistently, not budging. “don’t worry about it,” she says, adding “these are overpriced as shit anyways,” under her breath, playfully looking around to make sure nobody is listening.

azzi laughs, taking her drink gratefully. she glances behind herself one more time, moving so the next person can order. “d’you mind if i stay here? you look like you need someone to talk to.”

paige pretends to consider it for a moment, and even though she’s definitely going to get yelled at by her boss for it, she nods. “please,” she says. “gets so boring around here.”

unexpectedly, azzi moves behind the counter, joining paige. she washes her hands, asking “how can i help?”

paige really would love to have someone to help her, but it’s quiet enough that she thinks she can manage on her own. “just talk to me,” she mutters, chuckling at me once she adds, “my boss might kill me for this, so i’m gonna try to at least keep you out of trouble.”

azzi giggles, and she tells paige about her practice. paige’s shift ends early, her coworker, kk, insisting that she can manage without her once she sees paige. as paige follows azzi out from behind the counter, kk stops her and says, “azzi fudd? damn, p,” she says nodding with respect.

paige shakes her head at the shorter girl, muttering a “chill, kk,” before walking out.

she walks azzi to her car, and azzi looks around before reaching up to hug paige, resting her face in the crook of her neck. paige doesn’t reciprocate for a moment, too stunned to believe that this is really her life, but she eventually hugs azzi back tightly, and once they separate, she immediately misses the feeling of how perfect azzi feels between her arms.

she feels her cheeks heat up as she goes, “see you at the game.”

azzi smiles, biting her lip to stifle it, and paige suddenly imagines how it would feel to dig her own teeth into azzi’s lip. azzi finally says a quiet, “see you,” as she turns around to get into her car.

paige closes the door behind her, and walks to her car smiling like an idiot.

…

when paige gets to her apartment, kate is sitting on the couch smiling at her phone. paige can’t help but smile, too, because she loves seeing kate happy. kate looks up, waving at paige. “gotta go, lucy. see you later?” she asks hopefully.

paige thinks she hears lucy respond with a muffled “yes,” and kate smiles. “see you before the game.”

kate walks over to dap paige up, walking towards the kitchen counter. paige follows, and they settle on the old barstools they’d found on facebook marketplace one day. kate was a little skeptical at first, suggesting that they get some cheap shit from ikea instead, but paige insisted on sustainability. she didn’t want to buy something that would end up in a dumpster someday, contributing to global warming.

“azzi dm’d me today,” kate starts, smiling. “that was different.”

paige blushes, but decides not to be vague today. “yup,” she sighs. “we worked out together.”

kate playfully backhands paige on the arm. “no way,” she says, jaw dropped. “tell me more.”

paige rolls her eyes, but tells her all the details anyways. “yeah, it was pretty good,” she starts, before rambling on about it. “she apparently got woken up by my message, because i was stupid enough to respond at four in the fucking morning. and then, she ended up being at the gym. i thought my eyes were deceiving me, or some shit, because i’ve never seen here there so early. thought she was going to start her own workout, but then she starts walking directly towards me.”

kate cuts her off, smiling. “no fucking way, dude.”

paige laughs at kate’s reaction. “she started jogging next to me, and then i hop off, like five minutes later, and she does too,” she says, smiling as she recalls the events of that morning. “and then — she asked to join me.”

she talks about the details of what happened on the leg press, and then at the squat rack, and by the time she tells her about what happens in the locker room, kate is speechless. “but yeah, it was whatever,” paige finishes, suddenly worried that she’s over shared.

kate looks around the room, before fixing her eyes back on paige. “it was whatever? paige, she totally wants you.”

paige shrugs, not wanting to get her hopes up. “she has a boyfriend, kate,” she explains. “and i’m not trying to make her cheat, or something.”

kate audibly groans. “paige, who fucking cares about cheating? i’ve done it before.”

paige is taken aback at the comment, but kate quickly moves to correct herself. “wait, chill. not like that, just like — i’ve definitely slept with a few girls with boyfriends before.”

and paige did know that detail, although she wasn’t really sure how morally correct it would be if she did the same. also, she doesn’t just want to sleep with azzi (although she wouldn’t complain if the opportunity presented itself), she wants to have her all to herself. “it just can’t happen, kate,” she says. “we’re friends, and that’s okay. at least i have someone else to bother now.”

kate looks at her sympathetically, frowning. “p, don’t give up so easily,” she encourages. “if it happens, let it,” she demands, “please. you deserve that much.”

and paige really doesn’t plan on letting it get further than friendship, so instead of mustering up an audible response, she just nods. “tell me about your day,” she offers. “how’s lucy?”

kate smiles at the mention of lucy, telling paige all about their conversation that day. when she finishes, she pauses before speaking nervously, wringing her hands out. “hey,” she starts. “is it okay if i bring lucy to the game with us?”

paige thinks about it for a second, before nodding and smiling. “of course,” she says. “i’m excited to meet the girl that’s making you all nervous,” she adds, poking kate playfully on her torso.

they move to the couch, and paige tells her all about azzi showing up to the cafe. they scroll through the tv before settling on their comfort movie, bottoms, and spend the afternoon giggling. when it’s over, paige excuses herself to get ready for the game.

paige wears the white sarah strong jersey that kate bought her over a black hoodie, and pairs it with a pair of light wash jeans and some clean white air force ones. she takes a mirror selfie, trying to figure out which pose makes her look the least awkward, before giving up and just posting the one that makes her cringe the least.

kate’s sitting on the couch ready for the game, and she nudges lucy, who’s next to her, to stand up and meet paige formally. they’ve greeted each other on facetime, but never in person. lucy’s short, but she has brown hair and friendly eyes, and she’s kind of perfect for kate. paige isn’t great with meeting new people, but she tries her best, hesitating before holding her hand up to shake lucy’s.

lucy’s hand meets hers, and she gives paige a friendly smile before dropping her hand. “nice to finally meet the bestie,” she says, and paige nods awkwardly.

she’s not trying to be rude, but this is always how it goes when she meets new people. she doesn’t know what to do with herself, because she’s just not completely comfortable, yet.

her hands get all clammy and her face heats up, but kate senses her anxiety and graciously picks up the conversation before it can get too awkward. “perfect, let’s go,” she says, smiling before grabbing lucy’s hand to walk out. paige follows behind them, and sees that azzi has liked her instagram story. score.

they get to the game and settle in their seats, and paige smiles when she sees azzi looking around the arena for her. when the brunette gives up after not finding her, paige smiles to herself. kate nudges her arm, leaning in to speak. “you’re down, bad, paige,” she says before laughing.

paige frowns and glares at kate, muttering “shut up,” ducking her face into her hands before lifting it to fix her eyes on anything other than azzi.

tonight is a ranked matchup against texas. both teams are undefeated, but this is uconn’s first real game of the season. they prepare themselves for tip off, uconn winning the jump as jana el alfy gets the ball to kayleigh heckel.

the game is a back-and-forth match all the way through the first quarter, but uconn pulls away with a steady 41-29 lead by the end of the second.

kate and lucy leave to use the restroom and grab some food, leaving paige alone in the arena.

the cheerleaders step out onto the floor, and azzi looks around now that she has a more clear of the entire arena. she smiles wider when she finally finds paige. they perform to “hot to go” by chappell roan, and paige smiles as she watches azzi dance to the music.

the routine ends, and the team stands in their ending poses for a moment before rallying off the court. applause rings throughout the arena, and paige claps just a little bit longer than everyone once it dies out, still thinking about how good azzi looked.

she smiles, and azzi looks up at her again, waving with her pom pom in her hand. paige waves back at her, but when she sees her face plastered on the jumbotron, she pulls it down, her face immediately turning bright red.

she feels her chest get tight, and she’s suddenly struggling to breathe. the arena starts closing in on her, and her breaths get shorter. there’s no water around her, but she feels herself drowning.

she’s never experienced death before, but she’s pretty sure this is it. she thinks about how maybe, she’ll meet her mom, and say the goodbye she never did when they were on earth.

she remembers azzi, and how she’d barely gotten any time with her. she hopes liam takes good care of her, giving her the life paige never could.

she tries to look for kate to say goodbye, her eyes filling with tears. her best friend, the first person she sees every morning and the last one she sees before going to sleep. the girl who’d begged her coach to let her get an off campus apartment to be with paige. she’s nowhere to be found, and paige is left to suffocate on her own. she hopes lucy takes good care of her.

finally, she thinks about herself. all of those times people had treated her so cruelly, and how she’d so desperately tried to prove them wrong. and maybe it was fate. as it turned out, they were all right, telling her she’d never get there.

…

after the game, azzi swears she sees the blonde everywhere she goes. unfortunately, blondie always sees her and leaves before azzi can say a word to her.

she knows she’s best friends with kate martin, who is on the soccer team. they’re practically inseparable, almost to the point where azzi considers if they’re dating. but that couldn’t be true, since she’s pretty sure kate has slept with half the campus. open relationship maybe? azzi didn’t judge. she could technically dm kate and ask about her, but they’re not really close like that. it’d probably sound weird.

she looked through kate’s following list the day after the game, but never found the woman. there was zero trace of her on kate’s page, too. she was a complete mystery, and azzi had to figure her out.

azzi found out that she’s had econ with the girl all semester, but they always sit on complete opposite sides of the room. today, azzi decides she’s going to stand outside the lecture hall thirty minutes early to not miss the blonde girl walking in.

but eventually, thirty minutes reduce to twenty, and twenty minutes reduce to ten. usually, she’s here before azzi, and azzi’s always here at least fifteen minutes early.

azzi doesn’t give up hope yet, staying outside for a few more minutes. when the blonde girl ends up not making an appearance at all, azzi starts to wonder if she’s the problem.

as class goes by (very slowly) she decides that she’s going to stop seeking her out, and instead will wait for her to magically appear somehow.

and it seems like fate is on her side, because just hours later, azzi sees her eating in the dining hall alone. perfect. she moves out of the way enough that blondie won’t see her, but enough to ensure she has a perfect view of her.

she stands behind a corner, almost stalkerish, and watches her every move.

azzi notices she’s not eating her food, just poking at it like a sad puppy. speaking of sad, blondie looks like she just got news that her dog got ran over. azzi wants to go and comfort her, but she stays back for a few more minutes, not wanting to seem like a stalker (even though she definitely fit the role.)

after a few moments, she glances down at the table, picking up her phone and sighing, like it took all of her energy to do so. as she listens to the person on the other line, she just mutters a few words back before hanging up. when she sets her phone back down, she looks like she’s going to cry. her head falls into her hands, and she grips her hair. azzi can’t tell if it’s frustration or her trying to keep her composure.

she takes a few deep breaths to calm herself, before picking at her food again. shit. this was making azzi sad.

everyone knew kate on campus. azzi has heard whispers about her best friend, but she’s never really gotten a close look at the woman. obviously, she liked her space. azzi never saw her at parties, and the first time she’d ever seen her doing something mildly entertaining was the basketball game.

and azzi didn’t really understand why. she was straight (at least, she thought), but anyone with eyes could see that blondie was an extremely attractive woman. so why did she seem so uninterested in everything besides school and kate?

shit, maybe they were dating. open relationship, maybe? azzi didn’t judge.

eventually, she decides she can’t watch blondie sulk any longer. she steps out from the corner she was standing behind, and blondie definitely spots her. this time, azzi’s too close for her to run away. score. blondie focuses on her plate, as if it will make her magically vanish, and azzi knows she’s won.

when she finally reaches the table, she sits in front of her and says, maybe a little bit too enthusiastically, “hi, i’m azzi,” as she puts her hand out.

blondie’s eyes widen and her face turns bright red, and azzi thinks it’s the sweetest thing in the world. she wonders if she gets this way with everyone. it’s so cute. she’s so cute. in a completely friendly, platonic way.

well, that’s if blondie wants to be friends with her.

she reaches her hand up to meet azzi’s, and finally replies. “uh — hi.” blondie stumbles, and she looks like she wants to leave, but it’s too late. azzi’s got her stuck. “paige. i’m paige.”

azzi smiles, but not in a condescending way. she doesn’t want to scare paige away again. “paige. that’s a pretty name,” azzi giggles, repeating it in her mind. “i saw you at the game on saturday.”

paige flushes, clearly surprised azzi remembered her. jesus, does this woman know how endearing she is? if paige was a boy, azzi’s like, 100 percent she’d fall in love with her. paige, still in her surprised state, mumbles out a stupid “really?”

and azzi giggles again. paige doesn’t seem to like it, and she looks down at her plate biting her lip. she’s clearly way too nice to leave despite how uncomfortable she is, so when azzi notices her body language, she tries again. “sorry, i’m not laughing at you. you’re just so cute, i can’t help it.”

and paige smiles. up close, azzi sees how adorably gummy it is, and she can’t help but smile too. azzi wants to take a picture of paige’s face and keep it in her pocket forever. paige, still smiling, mumbles out a quiet “thank you.”

“you weren’t in class today,” azzi says after a few moments of awkward silence.

“something came up,” paige explains vaguely.

azzi nods, and then realizes she approached paige with zero idea what she’d say to the woman. she blurts out a “i tried finding your instagram,” before realizing that was probably on the list of the worst things she possibly could’ve said.

paige’s eyebrows raise, and she giggles.

well, at least she’s laughing. that’s nice. her laugh is very nice. “um — i have one,” she starts, “but it’s kinda personal.”

azzi nods in understanding, accepting her defeat. she’d get it someday.

but paige speaks again. “you can totally follow it, though,” she offers. “‘s kinda stupid, don’t really post.”

azzi shakes her head. “no, please. i want it.”

she’s sure she sounds extremely desperate, but it’s the truth.

“okay, um. do you wanna give me your phone so i can type it in?”

azzi immediately grabs her phone out of her pocket, unlocking it before handing it to paige. as paige enters her instagram, azzi uses it as an opportunity to study her further. she’s still wearing those glasses, but azzi notices how blue her eyes are. she’s beautiful. everything about her is beautiful.

just as she’s about to comment on it, she realizes paige is looking at her. paige quickly swats her eyes back down, almost like she was committing a crime by looking at azzi. it’s cute, but azzi hates that she does that. she wishes she’d be more shameless. but, from the little she knows about the woman, that’s just not paige. paige speaks, and azzi almost can’t hear her. “here, there’s not really much on it.”

azzi looks at her account. it’s private, and the profile picture is a photo of the night sky. the account only has 13 followers, and there’s no display name. no wonder she couldn’t find her.

the username is “pbueckers5” and azzi swears she never saw this in kate’s following list. surely enough, none of her mutuals follow her. she lets her curiosity get the best of her, deciding to ask paige about it. “kate doesn’t follow you?”

paige’s eyes widen at the observation and she chews at her lip. azzi’s sure they’re bitten raw by now. “she does,” paige explains, “just on another account. don’t want people finding me.”

azzi really couldn’t figure this woman out. it was almost as if she wanted to be invisible. without thinking, azzi scoffs and says, “if i were you, i’d probably slept through half the campus by now.”

paige’s eyes widen, and azzi instantly wishes she could take back her statement. she quickly rushes to recover, stumbling out a “wait — not like that. it’s just. you’re way too pretty to be hiding.”

paige nods, but she doesn’t seem to buy the excuse. she stands up and mumbles a “gotta go, kate needs me.”

and it’s definitely a lie. paige’s phone hadn’t buzzed a single time throughout their conversation, and azzi was pretty sure she saw her with a girl on the way over to the dining hall. paige gives her no time to reply, walking away immediately.

azzi hits the follow button on paige’s instagram, hoping she’ll get accepted, and checks her notifications. liam left her a series of texts.

today 3:56 pm

liam: dinner tonight?

liam: cooking us some chicken alfredo

today 5:47 pm

liam: dropped some by your dorm

liam: figured you were busy

liam: love :)

today 6:47 pm

azzi: sorry, i was studying for an accounting quiz

azzi: thanks for the food! looks great baby

azzi: love you too :)

there’s flowers next to the food, and it really does look delicious. azzi’s already eaten, though, so she offers it to caroline.

she spends a few hours studying, exhausted by the time she’s finished.

when she gets to bed, she checks her phone again. paige accepted her follow request and followed her back. she sees that there’s three new messages from her.

pbueckers5: hey this is probably super inconvenient

pbueckers5: but do you have a finsta or something? like kate’s?

pbueckers5: if you do could you follow me on that instead lol

azzi quickly switches to her fake account that she uses for stalking, and she follows paige, unfollowing her on her main account. paige quickly accepts, and azzi finally goes through her page.

there’s not much except two photo dumps, which mostly consist of a couple (very cute) mirror selfies and pictures of, presumably, her little brother. there’s photos of the moon in each one. she has no solo pictures in her highlights, but she does have some pictures with kate.

cool, so azzi learned virtually nothing about paige except for the fact that she might have a little brother. whatever. azzi would take whatever she could get, so she sends paige a dm.

azjf35: is that your little brother?

within minutes, she sees paige’s reponse at the beginning of her screen and immediately clicks on it. she smiles when she reads the message.

pbueckers5: in my photo dumps? you stalking me?

just as she’s about to respond, two more pop up on the screen.

pbueckers5: but yeah, that’s my little brother

pbueckers5: drew

azjf35: he seems like a sweetheart

azjf35: just like his sister :)

message bubbles pop up from paige’s end, and then die down. it happens a few more times until another set of messages come through.

pbueckers5: he’s great

pbueckers5: and you’re the sweetest

azzi giggles like a middle school girl with her first crush. it’s really not like that, but there’s just something so special about paige.

she tries think back to when she last felt this way over a friend, and she remembers sophie.

eight years ago

azzi’s eating lunch under a tree when she hears it.

“she’s so weird, sitting alone like that,” emily says. azzi can’t see her, but she recognizes her voice. azzi moved here three months ago, and emily and her posse have made her life a living hell ever since.

all of azzi’s friends from dance went to school together, but since she chose to go to a studio an hour away from home, she didn’t know anyone. she was still too shy to make conversation with people, so to everyone else she seemed like a loser.

just as she’s about to stand up, she hears a voice she’s never heard before. “you’re a fucking loser, emily. picking on her for eating lunch? something that everyone on planet earth does?”

azzi hears emily scoff, and when she looks up, emily and her friends are walking away.

who was that? why was she defending azzi?

azzi doesn’t look around to hear where the voice was coming from, instead sprinting to the bathroom. she immediately starts hurling into the toilet, and when her stomach is empty she leans against the stall and cries.

she really hopes to god, if he exists, that one day it’ll get easier. just as she’s about to call her mom crying for, possibly, the sixth time that week, she feels a knock vibrate from her stall door. she wipes her tears away and tries to stand up, assuming it’s one of the staff members checking on her, yet again.

when she opens the stall door, though, it’s not a staff member. instead, a blonde girl meets her. she’s pretty, with piercing green eyes. probably one of emily’s other friends. azzi tries to shut the door again, but the girl stops her.

“wait,” she says. “i’m sophie.”

she looks sincere, friendly. azzi hesitates before finally stepping out of the stall. “azzi,” she responds quietly, voice shaking from her tears.

she almost offers her hand out, but decides that’s probably awkward. sophie notices, and she smiles. “cute,” she pauses, before asking, “wait — like jennifer azzi?”

nobody’s ever noticed that. azzi tilts her head in fascination at this woman, and nods. “um — yeah,” she replies. “how’d you know that?” she asks, dumbfounded.

sophie giggles at that. “i play basketball.”

azzi nods. she walks over to wash her hands, and sophie speaks again. “hey — i’m sorry about emily. she’s such a bitch.”

and thank fucking god. someone agreed with her. azzi quietly giggles at that, and when she looks in the mirror, sophie is smiling at her. she looks like she’s contemplating something, finally blurting out a question. “can i have your number?”

azzi’s eyes widen at that, surprised that someone was asking. she nods in the mirror as she shakes off her hands, going to towel them off before taking out her phone for sophie.

sophie quickly enters her number into azzi’s phone, sending herself a text. “there,” she says. “bye now, azzi,” she says, before walking out of the bathroom. azzi is left confused, but also hopeful, since she thinks she just made a friend.

…

azzi starts hanging out with sophie way more, who, by the way, is way better at basketball than she’d anticipated. she attends nearly every single one of her games to cheer her on, always making a poster for her.

sophie starts coming to her house, and she basically becomes a part of sophie’s family.

tonight, she has a home game, and azzi’s there thirty minutes early. she sits high in the stands, wearing a random red t-shirt the school gave out. she painted a 12 on her face, a recent habit she’s picked up since she started watching sophie. it’s the last game of the season, and azzi’s excited for sophie.

as sophie’s warming up, she smiles and waves at azzi when she spots her in the stands. azzi makes a little heart hand at her best friend, before blowing her a kiss.

azzi still sits alone when she spots emily. she’s walking in with her friends, and she looks around the gym until she spots azzi. azzi flits her eyes away once she feels emily look in her general direction, but it’s too late. she knows she’s in for it tonight.

emily starts walking towards the section the brunette is sitting in, and azzi tries to look for a way out, but she’s cornered. emily’s friends are walking up the other side, and azzi almost cries right there on the spot.

emily hasn’t been bothering her lately. ever since azzi started hanging out with sophie, they haven’t had an opportunity to do so. she’s with azzi 24/7, almost like a bodyguard.

but now, there’s nothing sophie can do. she’s about to play a game, for god’s sake. why couldn’t they just leave azzi alone?

emily slides in on azzi’s right, and amyah and chelsea settle on her left. azzi prepares herself for the worst, accepting that there’s no way out this time. emily starts immediately. “sophie, huh?”

azzi doesn’t respond. she just nods once, trying to keep her focus on the court. the team is still in the locker room since there’s still a couple of minutes left until tip off. emily snickers, snorting out a “she’s gay, you know.”

azzi’s ears perk up at the comment. she knew sophie was weird about boys, but she’d never heard her say anything like that. azzi mutters out a “no, she’s not.”

and emily laughs like it’s the most outrageous thing she’s ever heard. “yes, azzi, she is.”

how kind. emily finally learned her name. azzi speaks back, louder this time. she looks emily straight in the eye, and says, “no she isn’t.”

emily glares at her like she’s stupid. “she is. everyone knows it. and she’s probably, like, in love with you or something.”

azzi shakes her head and feels her face heat up at the thought. “she’s not in love with me. i don’t like girls,” she mutters, her tone not confident whatsoever.

emily’s eyes roll. “right,” she says, unbelieving of azzi. her tone softens. “you know, we were dating when you moved here. then she started talking all about you.”

azzi’s suddenly very interested. sophie has never told her any of this. she looks at emily sympathetically, suddenly feeling sorry for god knows what reason. she never understood why sophie had so much disdain towards emily, but it finally started to make sense. “really?” azzi asks. “well, i’m sure you’re wrong. we’re totally just friends,” she shrugs. “i don’t even like girls.”

emily smiles, seemingly very happy to hear that nothing would be happening between azzi and sophie. “cool. so you wouldn’t mind if we started dating again?”

azzi stares at her blankly. she wasn’t about to deny emily of dating sophie, but she also didn’t like the thought of the blonde girl having her time taken up with someone who used to make her life a living hell.

but surely sophie wasn’t like that. she was a great friend to azzi, so azzi had no reason to believe she’d ever do something to hurt her.

just as she’s about to answer emily, the team starts running out, with sophie leading. she spots azzi in the stands and glares when she sees who’s sitting beside her. emily leans over to whisper in azzi’s ear. “she definitely likes you.”

azzi mutters out a frustrated “i don’t like her, emily,” before standing up and excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

once she gets outside the gym she calls her mom to pick her up, the number 12 on her face destroyed by her tears.

…

present day

azzi winces at the memory. her and sophie still talked after that day, but she remembers things becoming awkward to them. life had become a blur after that.

she turns her phone back on, opening instagram to reply to paige. she types out her response, shutting her phone off without before going to sleep.

2015, all star

connecticut. it had to be connecticut. 

azzi pulls her hair up into a ponytail, fanning her neck as she makes her way through the sea of bodies, trying to find the bar. 

if all star was anywhere else, azzi would've started getting absolutely shit faced thirty minutes ago. but she couldn't do that here. there was too much history in the air, and for some reason she respected the state too much to let herself slip into the worst version of herself. besides, cd would probably find out somehow. that woman had eyes everywhere. 

she flags down the bartender and orders the first sweet drink she can think of, a rum and diet coke. the bartender gives her a quick nod and moves to the other end of the bar, leaving azzi to stew even further in her own thoughts. 

the countertop is sticky to the touch, but azzi lets her elbows lean on it anyway. she was going to end up hosing herself down when she got back to the hotel, so it didn't matter. her eyes scan the club, catching on a couple people she recognized, but all it mostly blurs together into one massive, writhing blob of color. 

"azzi?"

azzi whips her head to the side and finds paige bueckers sitting on a barstool, staring back at her with a red plastic straw hanging from her lips. 

"paige," azzi lets out. 

"hey." paige smiles, but it's muted, not the same kind of sunlight that azzi used to see years ago. "uh, how's it going?"

azzi scoffs. "it's going."

paige chuckles, mostly to herself. "yeah, you never did like these things."

"what's there to like?" azzi says, "getting hit on by a random dude? or getting three different drinks spilled on you?"

paige laughs again, overly polite, as she stirs her drink. she's not drinking a dirty shirley. it's some other drink in her cup. azzi never noticed when that changed. 

why would you? you're not part of her life. 

azzi swallows, fingers drumming on the counter, like that could get her drink there any sooner. 

paige looks at her. "then why are you still here?" 

azzi stares back. "i don't know." that feels too honest, like it's offered too much introspection on azzi's soul and the gaping hole inside. but paige always had a way of doing that, of making azzi feel like she could give it all to her without having to worry about the aftermath. the worst bit is when azzi's forced to take it back and she has to watch paige's heart crack open, all because azzi couldn't stop falling long enough to notice the ground. 

she shakes her head and takes the drink the bartender has finally placed in front of her. "there's just not much else to do in connecticut. you know that." 

"boy, do i."

azzi sips her drink and lets the sweet bitter taste drown out whatever her mind is yelling at her. they fall into a precarious silence, but azzi can still feel paige's eyes on her. the blonde never stopped doing that, not in the ten years they've spent apart, and azzi's skin has never stopped buzzing because of it. 

"did you hear?"

"hear what?" azzi asks. 

paige swallows, turning back to the bar. "obergefell."

everything stops. everything. her thoughts, her breath, the fucking blood pumping in and out of her heart. 

"of course i did. minneapolis threw a party for a week."

paige looks at her with those godforsaken sky blue eyes of hers, and azzi thanks god for the way her heels pinch, otherwise her legs would've given out ages ago. "azzi."

"what, paige?"

"this doesn't change anything?"

she bites down on her tongue and relishes in the way the pain is a feeling that is both recognizable, and not caused by paige bueckers. azzi fixes her voice, trying her hardest to sound casual. "change what?"

"don't act stupid," paige says. she reaches over and puts a hand on azzi's forearm. the touch is the most grounding thing in this whole club, but azzi wants to run from it anyway. which makes sense. she's always running. "you know what i'm trying to say."

"ten years," azzi whispers, just loud enough that paige can hear. "ten years and you're still asking me the same question."

"ten years and you still haven't answered it."

azzi shakes her head, a bittersweet smile growing on her face. "it's been so long, paige. haven't you moved on?"

"have you?"

the music keeps playing in the background and the glittering lights are too weak to cover up the bleeding heart in azzi's hand. 

the universe doesn't let azzi lie, not to the one girl who's owned her heart long before she even knew what it was, so she settles for her rusted armor instead. "nothing's changed, paige. we're still on different teams. and it's not worth risking now, especially if we don't know how it's going to end up."

paige doesn't look at her when the words hit, just turns back towards the counter like she was expecting it. "aren't you tired, az?"

"of course i am," azzi whispers, this time too quiet for paige to hear. 

"then when is it finally going to be enough? when will it finally be worth the risk?"

"i don't know," azzi says. paige looks up at her again, as beautiful as she's ever been, and azzi can't leave without planting one last chance. for the versions of them that wanted happily ever after. and for the versions of them that still do. "but once it is, i'll come running to you. like i always do." 

––––– ––– –––––

2017, may

"azzi. azziazziazzi."

azzi leans down to where jordan is trying wrap her whole body around her right leg, and picks her up, settling jordan on her hip as she scans the stores in front of her. jordan pokes her cheek and azzi looks back at her, pouting a little, which makes jordan giggle. "baby, you really are your mom's kid. i don't know how, but the ability to annoy people was genetically passed down."

jordan scrunches her eyebrows. "gen–genet–"

"never mind," azzi says quickly before she has to explain meiosis to a five year old. "what did you want to ask me?"

"oh yeah," jordan says, putting a finger to her mouth as if she's in deep thought. it's one of her favorite things to do recently, even since she watched one of the wild kratt brother's do it. "what are we doing here?"

"i told you!"

jordan shrugs. "i forgot."

azzi sighs, a bit exaggerated but still tinged with a smile. "we're getting your mom a welcome to the team present."

"why? she's already been on the team for two weeks."

jordan got her there. training camp had already started a couple weeks ago, and paige, in true paige bueckers fashion, made fast friends with all of her teammates and the coaching staff, and that was only counting the people who weren't in love with her already. even the great maya moore, as tall and steady as an oak tree, bent for paige's stupid jokes. she never thought she'd see the forward happily partake in a silly handshake, but there she was, making one up with paige. the blonde seriously had a gift. 

watching the way a team started to light up around paige was beautiful, if not a bit heartbreaking. this version of paige, on the minnesota lynx, made azzi ache for her younger self, who didn't know what she had when paige was still around, making azzi feel like she could cross hell and heaven without even breaking a sweat. 

every day in that gym, there's an echo of a life she used to know. she's trying her best to remind herself that she can get it back now, that she can stay and have everything she was forced to let go. but it's been hard to believe. 

paige doesn't seem to notice. she just smiles at her, that beautiful gummy one that nearly makes her eyes disappear, like time never rusted the string between them. 

the basketball itself, is an absolute marvel. paige fits into the minnesota lynx offense spectacularly well. she feeds the ball to maya and seimone precisely when she needs to, and her sixth sense for when azzi's open kicks into gear almost immediately. after the first couple of days, azzi's pretty sure she catches cheryl trying to hide her tears when they execute a play to sheer perfection. 

so no, paige doesn't really need a "welcome to the team" gift. if there was anyone that was meant to be on the minnesota lynx, it was her, and it was a crime that this didn't happen sooner. but she can't tell jordan that she's been dating her mom for the last two months and they somehow haven't broken each other's hearts yet, and that felt like enough cause for celebration, so she goes with the whole team present schtick. 

jordan looks at her, eyes brown and wide in a way that strangely reminded her of her own. "azzi? why are we getting mommy a present?" she asks again. 

sometimes she wishes jordan would be a bit more gullible. "it's a team present, baby."

"no it's not," jordan giggles. "you just want to get her a present."

azzi freezes for a second, arms locking up, before collapsing into a fit of awkward laughter. "ha, you got me jordan."

jordan sticks her arms out, her braids bouncing with every step azzi takes. "we should get that chris doll i saw in the store yesterday."

"we should get your mom an action figure from your favorite tv show?"

she nods her head like it's a completely reasonable thought and azzi can't hold in her laughter. 

"nice try jordan, but i've got another idea."

later that day, azzi and jordan surprise paige with a whole array of presents all laid out on her bed, including some chocolate, a couple slim jims, purple flowers, new kobes azzi knew she was itching to buy, and a sweatshirt that azzi bought just so she could steal it off of paige. the cherry on top though, was the new minnesota lynx basketball in the middle of it all. 

paige's eyes immediately started shining the moment she walks into the room and realizes what azzi and jordan had planned while she was out shooting some ad. her eyes start watering again when she picks up the basketball and notices a black, unintelligible scribble on the side of it. 

jordan waddles across the bed, nearly tripping in her haste, and points to the black scrawl. "you're always signing things for other people, so i wanted to sign this one for you."

paige looks up at azzi, blinking through wet lashes like she can't even believe what's in front of her. 

azzi nods. "it was her idea. promise."

she looks back down at jordan, who hasn't stopped smiling, and wraps her free arm around her as she drops a kiss on the side of jordan's temple. "love you, peanut."

"love you, mommy."

paige sighs. "man, i thought i was the only one with a surprise tonight."

"you have a surprise?" jordan pips, her excitement rolling off her in waves. azzi's vaguely thinking about how this many shocks to the system is probably the equivalent of giving jordan twelve candy bars, which is defintely going to make bedtime interesting. "is it for me?"

"unless you can think of anyone else who likes wild kratts that–"

jordan literally shoots up. "WHERE."

"calm down," paige laughs, "i left it in your room."

she immediately runs off in search of her new toy, leaving paige and azzi alone. 

azzi crosses her arms. "you got her the toy you told me you weren't going to buy cause she had too many already." 

"correction. i got her the toy that you told me i shouldn't buy cause she had too many already."

"paige," azzi breathes out, a little exasperated, but mostly in love. "you big softie. you're going to spoil her."

"i'm okay with that," paige says, pushing up off the bed and walking over to azzi. she wraps her arms around azzi's waist and azzi lets her own hands snake up and interlock behind paige's neck. "besides, i'd like to focus more on spoiling you."

she tilts her head down and leaves a trail of kisses across azzi's jaw until her lips are ghosting over azzi's ear, her breath hot enough to make azzi's whole body shiver. "i love the present, azzi. it's perfect."

paige runs her fingers up azzi's arm, the feather light touch enough to make azzi's knees nearly buckle. 

"now let me thank you for it."

––––– ––– –––––

2017, june

azzi plops onto the couch, where paige is rifling through a couple papers, bills and what not. she's got that crease in her eyebrow that tries to suggest she's focused and that you shouldn't interrupt her, except azzi's knows her better and can notice the way her hands are moving papers around without actually doing anything. paige in one place, with her hands moving like a madwoman was the first sign of a spiral. 

paige lets out a huff, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. azzi nods. that's the second sign. 

azzi leans forward, tilting enough to brush their shoulders together. paige leans back, letting her weight rest on azzi for more than a couple seconds. good, azzi thinks. all hope isn't lost.

"p?"

paige hums, refusing to look up. azzi rolls her eyes. 

"you wanna talk about it?"

"talk about what?"

azzi gestures to the general mess in front of her. "the reason why you're shuffling papers around so fast that i'm amazed you haven't got a paper cut?"

"i'm not avoiding anything," paige argues, "i'm…working."

"yeah," azzi clips. "that's believeable."

"i can be productive!"

"not like this. this is an obvious paige bueckers breakdown."

paige drops the papers and crosses her arms, her restless energy finding her foot instead and tapping incessantly. "i'm fine," paige insists. 

"no, you're not."

"like you know everything about me."

azzi looks over at her and paige, in her right mind, decides to look away immediately. "yes, i do. now spill."

"there's nothing to spill."

"try again."

paige huffs again, all twisted and annoyed like a twelve year old child. azzi'll remember to think that's cute in a bit, but right now she's more focused on glaring until paige caves. 

"fine," paige relents. azzi mentally pumps her fist. paige scrunches her nose at her. "don't look so proud."

"who, me?" azzi says, all sly, but she intertwines her fingers with paiges at the same time, as a way to say i'm listening.

paige sighs."i guess i'm just stressed about jordan coming with us for our away game against the liberty."

"makes sense," azzi hums, leaving enough space for paige to collect her thoughts. 

"i…i'm worried, az. it's just going to be me. and i don't know how to keep my attention on her and the ball at the same time. i'm scared i'm not going to be able to handle it."

azzi pulls paige's hand closer. "first of all, it's not going to be just you. the whole team and the coaches will help look after her. you know how much they all love her."

"and besides," azzi continues, "i'll be there too. you're not going through this alone, paige."

paige hums and her leg stops bouncing.

"actually, i had an idea," azzi says, her nerves flaring up. 

"yeah?"

"i know the league started making sure moms have their own rooms, but i was thinking, we could room together? that way i could be around to help with jordan."

"yeah. i think that's a great idea. jordan would love it."

azzi lets a nervous smile slip. "and you?"

paige smirks. "i'll deal."

"oh my god, you're such a dick," azzi says, rolling her eyes, but she can't help how her jaw tightens. 

ocean blue eyes find her brown ones as paige slowly pulls her hand towards her lips, leaving a soft, fluttering, kiss at the base of her knuckles. azzi's breathe catches in her throat, and she can pinpoint the exact moment paige hears it, her eyes flicking up to meet azzi's again. "i'd love that. thank you, az."

in the end, the away game passes nearly as smoothly as a home game would, with everybody working on the team helping keep an eye on jordan. jordan has the time of her life, cheering with a five painted on one cheek and a thirty five on the other, as one of paige's extra jerseys threaten to swallow her whole. the game was a late one, so by the time the buzzer sounds, jordan's basically half asleep. when paige and azzi come up to her, ready to take her back to the hotel, jordan mumbles that she needs an azzi jersey too, so that everybody knows who she's rooting for, before letting her eyes close again. 

when they get to the hotel, azzi's carrying jordan, who's fast asleep in her arms, and paige is carrying both of their kit bags and their suitcase. 

azzi rubs the back of jordan's back in time with the little girl's breathing. "i'll put jordan down and take the other bed, okay?"

"wait," paige whispers, closing the door. "can you stay with her? i need to put our bags away, and i'm worried she won't be able to sleep alone in a place like this."

azzi looks down at jordan. the kid's got a little bit of drool dripping out the side of her mouth and freckles starting to pop out across her light brown skin, a series of little stars that have been revealed by the summer sun. she looked so peaceful and azzi wasn't about to break that. 

"sure."

azzi walks over to the bed and sets jordan down. jordan sticks a hand out in her stupor, grabbing onto azzi's arm. her hand isn't even big enough to wrap around azzi's whole wrist.

"don't worry, baby," she whispers. "i'm not going anywhere."

she tucks jordan into the bed and then slips in after, letting her arm wrap up jordan tighter than any blanket could. couple minutes later, the light turns off and paige climbs into the other side of the bed. she covers azzi's arm with her own, and azzi thinks, maybe she should get up, let the family be a family, without her mess of a heart bloodying the sheets. 

but then paige speaks, so quiet azzi doesn't even pick it up at first. "thanks az. for letting us stay with you."

and azzi finds it in herself to breathe, deeper than she has in her whole life.

––––– ––– –––––

2017, august

there's always been something calming about a bathroom for azzi. something about the white walls and the way she gets to lock the door so that no one else is allowed in, at least not until she can untangle her thoughts. most people joke about it, especially ever since the mass public learned about her pre game poops. but it's more than that, it's the way she can shed that invisible layer that even she can't really see in this four by five square of white tile. 

in the mornings, she gets thirty seconds to herself and they happen here, in front of the mirror. waiting for something to crack. either her reflection, or her. 

it had been different recently, ever since paige came back into her life. nowadays, mornings started with a phone call from the blonde, as she rattled on about something random while she brushed. azzi didn't have the time or even the leftover energy to handle her own broken pieces. she thought she'd moved past it all, past the stopping, and the staring, and the waiting for something else to scar.

but this. this was something newer. and scarier. 

she should've seen it coming. paige was happy, too happy, the way she always was before she took a step without telling azzi, but azzi was too distracted by the pretty easiness of her smile to question it. 

paige was packing up jordan's lunch and the picture was so familar, normal even, that azzi didn't second guess stepping inside of it. 

"hey az?"

azzi hums, opening the fridge and taking out a single serve of cottage cheese and some berries. 

"i was thinking–"

azzi smirks. "never a good sign."

"az," paige says, crossing her arms. 

"sorry, sorry." she gestures towards paige. "please continue." 

paige swallows and azzi just notices the tension in her shoulders. "uh, i was thinking. you spend so much time here, between helping me with jordan and, uh, hanging out with me–"

"is that what the kids call it nowadays?"

it doesn't phase paige this time. she's on a mission and that sets azzi on edge more than anything else. "so i realized, you should probably just move in. it would make it so much easier. plus, jordan would love having you around more."

"paige," she whispers, willing her voice not to break. 

blue eyes look up at her with all the hope azzi couldn't keep in her own, and god, she thought she'd never have to do it again. but here she was, her throat choking with that rising dread as paige bueckers waits, again, for an answer she can't give right now.

paige laughs, like it was all a joke and she could just brush it off and down into some corner no one will ever look. azzi can't move. "az, it's cool, i was just–"

she can't watch this happen. "i'm gonna put jordan's lunchbox in her backpack and be back."

paige doesn't stop her, doesn't ask her any questions, and azzi mentally thanks her for it. 

and now, she's here in the bathroom, sitting on the white tile and letting the cold bite her skin.

there's a knock at the door. 

"azzi?"

"it's open."

paige's already looking down when she opens the door, like she knew exactly how azzi would choose to sit while she spiraled. oddly, that knowledge eases the storm in her mind. 

she joins azzi on the floor, folding her long legs in, and doesn't say anything. paige waits for azzi to come to her, and azzi can't stop thinking about how a younger paige would never do that. 

azzi takes in a deep breath and feels paige tense up next to her. "do you remember the 2008 olympics?"

"who could forget? we got a gold medal–" paige laughs awkwardly, "and your tits looked so good in that shitty led lighting."

azzi glares. "paige."

"okay, not in a joking mood, got it." 

azzi fiddles with the edge of her leggings and tries to find the words. or, she already knew the words, she just had to let them go. "you asked me to stay that night. i didn't."

"story of my life," paige says, a bit sardonic, but azzi can hear the truth in it and lets it carve into her ribs.

"you're right. it is the story of your life. you ask, and i say no," azzi sniffles, voice shaking, "so why? why do you still ask?"

"cause i love you. and i'd hear a thousand nos if it meant that one day you'd say yes. that one day you'd feel brave enough to choose us."

"i don't know if i can. you trust me, i know you do, but i–i don't trust myself."

paige takes her hand, and it fits, like a lock and key. "that's okay. we'll take it slow. and you don't have to say yes immediately."

"i can't keep hurting you, i can't do it, please, paige, just–"

"you never hurt me."

azzi laughs. "liar."

"okay, maybe," paige confesses, "but it wasn't your fault. i'm not going to blame you for protecting yourself in a world that wouldn't. you gave us a chance to actually make it in this league, and i'll never forget that. but, az, don't give up on us now. i shouldn't have brought up the whole moving in together thing, okay? forget about it. i never said anything. but don't–don't go."

the grip paige has on her hand tightens ever so slightly and her eyes go wide, frantic, like a cornered animal. like she has a thousand different past lives running through her mind, all of which end the same way. 

azzi softens, twisting her hand so she can interlock their fingers together. 

"no. i want to move in with you."

paige blinks. a real life buffer, that would've made azzi laugh if she wasn't so close to crying. "wait. what?"

"let's move in together," azzi repeats with a small smile. 

"you're not joking?"

"why would i be joking?"

paige shrugs. "you were joking when you said you didn't commit to uconn."

"i was also eighteen."

"doesn't hurt to double check."

azzi sighs and stands, pulling the taller girl with her. "you little shit."

paige wraps a hand around her waist and ducks her head, leaving a couple kisses on her jaw that make azzi giggle. "so we're moving in together?"

she kisses paige properly, stealing a couple breaths of her own. "we're moving in together."

"fuck yeah," paige whispers against her lips with a dopey look in her eyes that nearly makes azzi fall in love with her again. "this is gonna be so great. we won't even have to clear out the closet cause you literally only wear my clothes."

––––– ––– –––––

2017, august

the lynx want another championship. is azzi fudd going to take them there?

written by allison smith, for sports illustrated

when i walked into the minnesota lynx gym, the first thing i heard is the sound of azzi fudd's shot hitting the ground, in perfect rhythm. the ball never hits the rim, just a kiss of the net before it falls through. something about seeing it in person makes you wonder if azzi even knows how to miss. 

the minnesota lynx, azzi fudd's team, is coming off a 28-6 season and is qualified for the playoffs. if you're a fan of any other team in the wnba, it's hard not to groan and shake your head at the absolute machine the lynx team seem to be, especially after adding paige bueckers, one of the only guards to win mvp to the roster. 

but azzi fudd, after spending more then a decade here in minneapolis, still shows up to run shooting drills, as if she's not already one of the core part of what most consider a championship caliber team. 

"this season's been different," azzi says, as she casually tosses a ball between her hands. i look up from my notepad and raise an eyebrow. "how?" i ask, curious, especially since i have yet to even ask her a question. 

"it feels like all the pieces have slipped into place. like once we added paige, we unlocked something, and now…now i don't think anyone can stop us."

she puts another shot up, and, like all the other ones, it goes in. 

azzi fudd holds herself in the same way she shoots the ball. tall, square, and undeniable. despite a reputation for being more quiet than her other teammates (namely bueckers), you don't notice when she doesn't talk. her presence speaks for her. simply being in the same room as her "doing her thing" is enough to make you believe in yourself.

"i've always struggled with doubting myself, or overthinking shots and passing up open looks. i'd like to think i've gotten better at it over the years [she laughs] but this season, i feel sure. i feel confident. i feel like every time the ball leaves my hand it's going to go in."

"does that make you dangerous?" i ask. she smirks, like she was expecting the question. 

"maybe."

paige bueckers, the lynx's newest addition, and azzi fudd's old teammate at uconn, is definitely one of the main reasons the lynx have been so electric and unstoppable this year. the lynx team looked perfect on paper, between maya moore, who could be considered as one of the greatest of all time, rebekkah brunson, sylvia "big syl" fowles, and azzi fudd, the deadliest sharpshooter in the game. but it doesn't mean much without paige, the one who lit the spark this season, adding a level of drive that no one could see coming. 

"you really can't describe the way paige makes you better. she's an amazing basketball player. everyone knows that. she can do everything on the floor and off it, but the biggest thing she does is that she believes in you, stronger than anyone else. it's hard to listen to your own thoughts questioning how good you are when paige is out there, yelling the opposite so loudly. "

azzi passes the ball over to me and i barely catch it. it's such a pathetic endeavor that azzi stops to giggle. 

"plus, her kid cheers louder than any arena i've ever been in."

jordan bueckers has recently become a part of fudd's life, a happy consequence of her close friendship with jordan's mother. paige had fostered and adopted the kid after randomly meeting her during a school trip to a dallas wings game. a stroke of fate, some may say. azzi fudd definitely would. 

"this championship is ours. normally, i don't like saying things like that. i always think i'll somehow jinx us. but i believe in this team, more than anything, and if even if i did jinx us, i know we can win despite it. we're coming for that ship."

i tell her that if the lynx win the championship this year, her and paige will be the only backcourt to win a national championship, a gold medal, and a wnba championship together. 

she smiles and opens the door for me. "then we better win, huh?"

––––– ––– –––––

2017, october

when that buzzer sounds, azzi doesn't believe it at first. she stays still and waits for someone to wake her from the dream.

"here are your 2017 wnba champions! the minnesota lynx!"

someone is ramming into her, dragging her into the celebrations. her quads ache something fierce, but she still can't let herself notice. 

she doesn't believe it until her eyes finally fall on paige, who looking up at the ceiling, like she's thanking god one last time. paige looks down and locks eyes with azzi, who's already got tears lining her lashes. everything is so loud and quiet and she can't move, rooted into the ground as the world roars. the only thing that makes sense is paige, who started moving the moment she saw azzi, running over to her. 

when paige finally reaches her, and she can breathe again, she nearly falls into paige's arms. paige catches her, like she always does. 

paige's arms wrap around her and she buries her face in the crook of azzi's neck in that way she always does when she's not sure if azzi's real. 

"we did it, azzi."

and suddenly she's back in storrs, winning the national championship for the girl that loved so hard that azzi worried her heart was somewhere outside her body instead of inside it. 

azzi sniffles. "we did it, p."

paige pulls back and rests her forehead on azzi's. "i love you. i love you so fucking much."

the world keeps going, but azzi stops and stays in this moment with paige, willing time not move forward, just for a couple seconds. they haven't said "i love you" to each other since getting back together, but paige has always been so inevitable for azzi that she never even realized it was something that was left unsaid. she's always loved paige, ever since she was sixteen, and she never stopped long enough to notice that she needed to say it again to make it true. 

but today, with the shine of victory in her eyes, she thinks she'll say it until her voice goes raw. 

"i love you, paige."

paige smiles like the fucking sun, and god, azzi doesn't know how she ever thought she could stay away from her for her whole life. 

"i'm going to find jordan!" paige yells over the commotion. 

"i'll come with you!"

they head over to where the fudds and paige's family were sitting in the arena, the two families all swept up in the celebrations. azzi and paige scan the whole section but there's no sign of jordan.

"tim!" paige screams, anxiety levels clearly rising. "where's jordan?"

azzi's father starts swinging his head around, eyes widening in the least reassuring way possible. azzi vaguely registers her dad calling out to katie and asking her if she's seen the kid. 

azzi steps in front of paige and holds onto both her arms. "okay, don't panic."

"i'm not panicking."

"tell that to your face."

paige looks at azzi. she can feel the way paige's heartbeat quickens under her grip. "breathe, paige. we'll find her."

"i know," paige says, more to herself than to azzi. "i know."

"you stay here and keep lookout. i'm going to check the other sections."

paige nods her head. "okay."

azzi pushes through the cheering crowd, desperately searching for those pink beads in the braids. a couple people try to stop her for autographs, but she quickly declines, completely singleminded in her search. 

eventually, she spots the little girl, standing there in her custom five and thirty five lynx jersey. 

"there you are, jordan!" azzi scoops up the little kid, ignoring the way she wriggles in her arms. "your mom has been going crazy! where have you been?"

jordan giggles, still trying to escape azzi's hold. "i made a friend."

"what?" azzi says, whipping her head towards jordan, who is already pointing behind her. 

she turns around and finds a young black girl, maybe a couple years older than jordan, standing there with her hands behind her back. she looks up at azzi, eyes so impossibly wide, like she couldn't believe what was happening in front of her. azzi sets jordan down and crouches so that she was eye level with the girl. "who's this?"

the kid pipes up before jordan has a chance to. "i'm kay. and you're azzi fudd."

"that's me," azzi laughs. the girl lights up the moment azzi opens her mouth, and azzi's heart melts at the sight of it. 

she looks over at jordan. "how did you two find each other?"

"i was picking up some of the confetti and i found kay sitting by the bleachers," jordan starts talking with her hands, in a way that was oddly familiar to how paige would whenever she got excited by something. "she can't find her mom either, so we stuck together."

"that's good," azzi says. she looks over at jordan, who's still staring at her like she thinks azzi might disappear. "you can't find your mom, kay?"

"yeah, i lost her after you guys won," jordan says, smile still completely undeniable. "you were amazing, azzi! that three you made when the game was tied was so cool! you're like, the best basketball player in the whole wide world."

azzi chuckles. "you really think so?"

kay quiets her voice and attempts an air of seriousness. "i do. when i get older, i'm going to be a shooter just like you. and i'm going to play for the lynx too."

"yeah?" azzi says, rapidly blinking back tears before they can form. suddenly, it's not kay in front of her, it's the seven year old version of herself, who didn't know if she should love basketball as much as she did, especially since she didn't know any other girls who played it. she didn't have anything back then, no league, no options, but now that's not true. now, kay's looking at her like azzi's holding a future that she wants and one she knows she can earn. 

it's all azzi's wanted. for little girls to know that they can. and right now, she's one of the reasons the kid in front of her does. 

azzi puts a hand on kay's shoulder and kay preens. "you're going to be such a great player when you grow up, and i can't wait to watch you."

"thanks, azzi," kay says, somehow shining even brighter than before. 

azzi straightens. "let's go find your mom, okay?"

it doesn't take long to hunt down kay's mom. the slightly frenzied, stressed woman, scanning the whole crowd as she yelled out "kay!" was a pretty big clue. 

jordan hugs the girl before she goes and promises to visit before coming back to azzi's side and taking her hand. she swings their hands a bit and then looks up at azzi, eyebrows pinched together like she's just made a decision. "kay was right, mama."

azzi stops, her legs almost giving out. she's just played almost 38 minutes of a championship, winner takes it all, game, but this is the moment that takes her down. 

"what?" azzi asks, half questioning if she's dreaming right now. 

jordan continues on like nothing even happened. "you're the bestest basketball player in the whole world," she clarifies, sticking out her other arm to really emphasize how big the world was. "well, you're tied with mommy."

"jordan, baby. you just called me mama."

"oh." jordan shrugs like it was inconsequential, a truth that's always been there that she simply put to words. "i guess. is that okay?"

azzi's fully crying now, tears dripping down her cheeks and leaking into her smile. "yeah, baby. it's more than okay."

"cool. let's go find mommy," jordan says, pulling azzi's hand, and azzi follows helplessly, laughter tumbling out of her. 

paige is in the middle of court, spinning around in circles like the world's worst radar, but somehow, she manages to spot azzi and jordan coming up to her anyway. paige runs up to them, immediately picking up jordan and twirling her around. 

"there you are," paige laughs, worry disappearing from her face as fast as it had orginally appeared. "can't believe you were going to let mommy celebrate all by herself."

"never," jordan says, shaking her head. "you guys won the champ-ship, which means we get ice cream. you can't do that without me."

"of course not," paige says, putting jordan down. "i wouldn't dare."

paige looks up and finally notices azzi's stricken frame and the tear marks staining her cheeks. "azzi? is everything okay?"

"she–she called me mama."

"what?"

azzi wipes at her face. "jordan. she called me mama."

paige looks down at jordan, who is, of course, already pre-occupied by the blue and white confetti, and then back up at azzi, tears already lining her own lower lashes. "are you okay with that?"

"yes," azzi blurts before she can even think about it, but when she finally catches up to her brain, she finds that she means it. "are you okay with it?"

"of course i am," paige says, a small smile breaking out on her face. "she's yours. she's always been yours."

azzi takes paige's hand and looks over at jordan. "she's ours."

––––– ––– –––––

2017, illinois

lindsay looks over from her plate to her daughter, tara's, and finds it barely touched, the eggs all filmy from sitting out too long.

she sighs. it's been like this for too long. tara hasn't been telling her things lately, and something's been off. she won't eat, she won't sleep, and she barely talks. 

and lindsay knows she's not the best mother sometimes. she works too many late nights and doesn't show up to enough parent teacher conferences because of it. she tries to remind her spiraling thoughts that she does it so that tara has some money for college, but she knows, deep down, that her daughter doesn't share anything with her, or anyone else, anymore and it's her own fault. 

the only thing that seems to bring any life back into her eyes is watching wnba games. it's a little silly, but lindsay had tried to show her some games a couple years ago, in hopes that it will inspire her to join to a team. tara stayed as athletics adverse as she's always been, but she got surprisingly invested in the sport, and so did lindsay. evenutally, staying in every friday summer night, watching whatever game was on together as the sun melted into the sky became a ritual. 

"so," lindsay tries. a hail mary, if you will. "that was an insane championship game last night."

tara stares at her plate. "yeah."

"i always knew the lynx would win this year," lindsay continues, voice strained. "i mean, with paige, azzi, maya, and syl? nobody else stood a chance."

tara looks up at her, eyebrows pinched together like she's debating saying something. lindsay tries to keep her face neutral, but hope leaks out anyway. "did you see the way paige and azzi hugged each other?….that was nice."

that…is not what lindsay expected.

her daughter goes back to pushing around eggs she won't eat as lindsay scans her memory for the moment she was talking about it. she remembers a second after the confetti cannons went off, where paige had grabbed azzi's hand and pulled her in for a hug that lasted a little too long to be considered friendly. lindsay hadn't thought much of it then, but now that she's looking back, she can recall paige tucking her face into azzi's neck like she wanted to bury herself there and azzi's eyes shining with the kind of pride you didn't save for someone who was only a teammate. 

it all clicks then. 

lindsay sits down next to tara, gently resting her hand over hers. tara drops the fork and looks at her, deep brown, almost black eyes, shocked but also…scared. like she's worried she let the wrong words loose. 

oh, baby. 

"it was a really beautiful moment," lindsay says, slowing the words down and hoping that tara will get what she's trying to say. "they're really beautiful. together."

tara's eyes well up, and so do lindsay's. tears threaten to fall onto that worn dining table that tara had scratched up with markers and various experiments when she was younger. she was always so full of light and love when she was a kid, and lindsay was scared she lost too much of it when she grew up, but maybe it was just hiding. waiting for the moment it knew it was safe enough to come out.

her kid, her heart, her everything.

tara wipes at her face with her other hand, leaving the one that lindsay was holding right where it is. "you really think so, mom?"

"yeah, baby," lindsay whispers, leaving every bit of love she can in her voice. "i do."

––––– ––– –––––

2018, january

"paige! jordan! help me put the groceries away!"

azzi drops the bags onto the counter and opens the fridge, taking out a cold bottle of water and chugging it. she slams the door, and the sound echoes off the walls, making the quiet feel even more imposing. "where are you guys?"

she turns back to the counter, about to start organizing everything, when she spots a pink post it note in the corner that says meet us out back on it. 

"what are you two planning?" azzi mutters, as she slips her coat back on and runs to the backdoor. 

it snowed recently, and you'd think after so many years in minnesota, azzi would get used to the grand white expanse covering the ground in crystals, but her eyes still sparkle when she sees it. there's nothing quite like snow. it taught her to love things that she knew wouldn't stay. 

and she learned to love paige that way. until she did. until she stayed.

paige looked unfairly beautiful when it snowed, with the way her cheeks turned cherry red, like one of those shirley temples she liked to drink, and the way her eyelashes caught every stray flake, making her blue eyes shine even brighter. azzi's favorite thing was to brush the snow out of her hair and pull her closer so she could warm paige's lips with her own. 

the snow has always been kind to her even when she wasn't. even when she was alone. it always makes her so happy, and it reminds her of a younger soul who used to wait for the first snowfall in connecticut. 

when she opens the backdoor, she finds the entire place draped in fairy lights, soft orbs of warm light, bouncing off the crystalized ice, and blanketing the whole backyard in the kindest of glows. 

"what…" azzi trails off, as she notices the best thing. there were pictures clipped onto the lights. pictures of her and paige, from before paige got drafted, and after, when they started again. pictures of her and jordan and pictures of all three of them, huddled together like a family. 

fuck, azzi's about to cry. 

she finally looks ahead and finds paige and jordan in front of her, both of them smiling so wide and nearly buzzing with energy. 

"hey, baby," paige says, eyes twinkling. 

"there you two are –" she stops when she notices that there's something written into the snow, carefully traced by two different sets of snow boot prints. 

will you marry us? 

azzi's heart stops, nearly freezing in the minnesota cold. she looks back up and finds paige on one knee, holding a ring and looking up at her with that look on her face, the one that said she would jump off a cliff as long as azzi was next to her. jordan's trying to copy her mom but she keeps tipping over and it would've made azzi laugh if she wasn't so busy trying to convince herself she wasn't dreaming. 

"paige," azzi breathes. the air turns foggy, or maybe that's just azzi's eyes bluring the sky with her tears. 

"azzi fudd," paige starts. "i've been in love with you since i was 15. i've been in love with your smile, with your eyes, with the way you make me feel seen, even in a room with a thousand other people in it. i love you with everything in me. i think my heart only knows how to love you, cause god knows i've tried to let go, tried my goddamn hardest–"

"alright," azzi interjects, laughing. 

paige smiles. "but you're really stuck in there. in my heart, in my soul. i know what it's like to live without you, and i don't ever want to find out what that's like again. i want you there for all of it. jordan and i both do. so this is our question to you."

paige hands the ring to jordan, who runs up to azzi and puts it in her hand. azzi's hand closes around the ring and around jordan's fingers. she lets jordan pull her down so jordan can whisper in her ear.

"mama, will you marry us?"

azzi blinks the tears out of her eyes, and wraps her arms around jordan. "yes, baby. a thousand times yes."

"yay!" jordan cheers, making azzi giggle.

paige is in front of her and jordan now, and in prime kissing position, actually. "so i take it the answer's yes?'

"yeah, bueckers," azzi whispers into the space between them, every promise she's ever broken mended by the promise she makes now. "i'll marry you."

––––– ––– –––––

2019, january

[a series of photos: (1) paige in a white vest and azzi in a simple, silk white dress with both of their face close together, smiling, (2) paige and azzi under the altar, with jordan next to them, holding a basket of flowers (3) a candid of paige and azzi dancing, (4) geno in a blazer, holding a gold medal and talking into a mic,(5) jordan with cake smeared on her face (6) two hands clasped together, wedding bands visible]

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paigebueckers married the love of my life last weekend 

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coachcherylreeve two of the greatest players i've ever had the honor to work with. congratulations!

bueckerstofudd oh my god. oh my god. oh my GOD. 

gabbywilliams such a fun night! coach's speech was definitely interesting…wishing you two lovebirds the best!

kamoreaarnold MY PARENTS

535paigefudd this can't be real. someone pinch me

nikamuhl did it it take you a week to post cause you were busy on your honeymoonnnn

paigebueckers shut up twin 

so. let's start with this. paige was being haunted. by a ghost.

no, she's not crazy, yes, she did get herself checked out by a doctor. this is not some hallucination, a side of effect of her many sleepless nights, this was reality. she was being haunted. by a pretty ghost, with pretty eyes and pretty curls that paige would like to twirl around her fingers if she could actually touch them.

it all began with the realization that she was growing out of the tiny boxes uconn liked to pretend were dorm rooms. paige found herself an apartment at the corner of campus for a surprisingly good price. that should've been her first clue.

paige slammed the door to the car and looked up at the dilapidated building. there was moss and vines growing up the side of it's bricks, covering the whole thing in a sickly shade of green that screamed "turn around and leave."

wow, this is secluded, she thinks. even for storrs.

after climbing up the four flights of stairs (and cursing herself for picking a building without an elevator), she finds her new apartment, room 444. she fiddles around, looking for the key that the landlord had left her before turning the lock and slowly opening the door.

the first thing she remembers is the warmth. that should've been her second clue. it was january, in connecticut of all places. the cold should've been hammered into the walls and seeping out of the paint. but when paige stepped into the living room, all she could feel was warmth, the same warmth that comes from a well worn sweater.

the apartment was unusually bright, filled to the brim with sunlight. despite the fact that no one had rented it out in years, it looked lived in. it looked loved.

she hung her jacket on one of the only hooks left on the wall, the evidence of the other ones clear by all the screw holes, and walked into the kitchen. paige rolled her shoulders, settling into the space. she leaned over the kitchen counter and started opening all the cabinets, just to busy her hands.

"hello?"

paige whirled around. there was no one there. her heart races, bouncing against her ribs.

there was no one there.

she goes back to exploring her new kitchen, desperate to distract her overzealous mind.

"hello?"

paige snaps up, banging her head on the overhead cabinet. "fuck," she says under her breath, rubbing her temple.

a giggle floats in the air. the voice continues, entirely unaware of how fucking weird this is. "are you okay?"

paige slowly turns around, mentally reviewing all the tricks her self defense class tried to teach her. her eyes fall on a young woman that looked her age with caramel skin and a cheeky dimple that was visible because of the smirk she was sporting.

"what the hell," paige says.

her smile gets even wider. "hi."

paige crosses her arms, hoping to come off as intimidating. "who are you? what are you doing in my apartment?"

"well let's get one thing right," she says, her voice silky like honey. "this is my apartment. has been for years. i thought it'd remain that way after i drove out the last five couples."

paige is getting a headache. "what do you mean? this is my apartment. i signed a lease."

"pretty sure eternal resting place beats a piece of paper, dude."

"huh?" paige says dumbly.

the girl leans closer, looking up through her eyelashes. "i'm dead."

she walks towards paige, through the kitchen island, like it wasn't even there. paige blinks, holding her breath.

"boo," she whispers.

paige breaks about five different speed limits when driving back to campus.

the next day, she convinces herself that this must have a been a trick. or a hallucination. there was no way that there was a ghost in paige's kitchen, because she was just a 20 year old, dragging herself through long classes and longer shifts, and these types of things don't happen to college students that were only trying to survive. usually.

she was not about to be the exception.

paige drove back to the building and used the trek up the the stairs to convince herself not to chicken out.

when she reaches the door again, room 444, she pulls out her keys again before pausing. paige thinks back to when that girl said that this apartment was hers, and she knocks on the door.

five seconds pass and nothing happens. she goes to open the lock when she hears a faint voice. "come in."

paige turns the door handle and finds the same girl in the same clothes sitting at the bay window in the living room. she holds her breath, waiting for...she doesn't know what.

the girl raises an eyebrow. "are you going to come in?"

"uh. yeah," paige says, awkwardly setting down her things and kicking off her shoes.

she sits down on the couch across from the girl, her eyes catching on the way the sunlight seems the stream through her, like the she and the air around her were the same.

paige swallows. "so...you're a ghost?"

"you know, most people ask for someone's name before asking personal questions."

"right," paige says. "what's your name?"

"azzi. azzi fudd," she says, a small smile playing on her lips.

paige can't help but smile back. "hi azzi. i'm paige."

azzi finally looks over at her. "nice to meet you, paige."

she turns back to the bay window, her coffee brown eyes drinking in every mediocre sight of their mediocre town. paige hands start twitching and she starts nervously pulling at the edges of her cuticles.

"so...now that we're acquainted," paige starts. "are you a ghost?"

azzi tilts her head towards her, that easy, warm smile back on her face. "yeah. i'm a ghost. been dead 20 years and counting."

"okay," paige says. "cool."

azzi levels her with a look. "really? cool?"

paige shrugs. "i don't know how i'm supposed to respond to you being a ghost. it's not like i have a lot of life experience in the area, bro."

azzi laughs and the sound is so melodious and beautiful that paige wonders about what a privilege it would've been to hear it when she was alive.

"are you scared now? are you going to leave?" azzi says, clearly hoping for the answer that would let her keep her peace.

"are you kidding me? do you know how hard it would be to find a new apartment now?" paige says. "there is no way i'm leaving. guess you're just going to have to get used to having a roommate."

azzi raised an eyebrow at her disbelievingly. "you ran out of the room yesterday because i said boo."

"well, i just needed a second to process. i'm good now."

"uh huh. totally."

"i'm fine as long as you promise not possess me in my sleep or something."

azzi stands up, swinging her arms carelessly. "damn. there goes my friday night plans."

paige follows her. "ha. very funny azzi."

"not a joke."

"yes it was. it was a joke. right, azzi?"

azzi looks back at her, mischief in her cuteass dimples. "guess you'll just have to find out, bro."

"you prick," paige calls after her as she disappears (literally) into her room.

this was going to be interesting.

----- --- -----

two weeks later, paige and the ghost in her living room seem to have found some semblance of normalcy.

azzi usually had trouble turning visible in the beginning of the day, when the world was just waking up, but paige could still feel her, draped across her shoulders like a hug. paige had quickly learned that there were ways to help azzi coax herself back to the physical world, namely light. so she'd open all the curtains that she closed in the night (because only psychos sleep with the curtains open), and turn on all the lamps so that the whole apartment would be so bright it hurt her eyes. azzi also liked it when there was music playing in the apartment and was a big fan of destiny's child, so paige would play her favorite 2000s r&b playlist until the girl showed herself.

so here paige was, in the kitchen, making some eggs and toast with "lose my breath" playing on full blast. and lo and behold, azzi's perched on the edge of the dining room table when she turns around.

paige smiles a bit awkwardly. azzi's responding smile is so sweet that it tinges paige's cheeks a deep pink. "hey there. have a good night?"

"well, i don't really conceive time or have the ability to sleep," azzi says, shrugging. "so i guess it was fine, all things considered."

paige hums, beyoncé's riffs in the background filling all the space.

"do you have class today?"

paige spears some scrambled eggs on her fork. "yeah, i've got a psych class today and then i have to do some grocery shopping. our pantry is embarrassingly empty."

"right. food. forgot about that," azzi says haltingly, drawing a giggle out of paige. "are you gonna be back after that?"

"probably," paige squints at her. "why?"

azzi shrugs nonchalantly, but paige can see the way her fingers fiddle with the belt loop of her low rise jeans. "i want to keep watching that show we started."

"scandal?"

azzi nods her head, and paige sets her plate down. "well i could play it for you before i leave--"

"no!" azzi says suddenly, stepping closer. paige could count her every eyelash. "no," she says, gentler, rocking carefully, "no, i just mean i want to watch it with you.

"okay. we'll watch it together when i get back."

"okay," azzi whispers, smile leaking into every part of her face, bringing out those dimples paige loved so much.

later that day, the two of them are settled onto the couch, as close as they can get without touching. paige tells herself that it's out of respect, but really paige is terrified that she'll reach over, chasing that warmth that seems to radiate from azzi's skin, and her hand will pass straight through her. she doesn't want that reminder, so she stays a safe distance and she doesn't turn her head from the television.

sometimes she feels azzi's eyes on her, and her heart races with the knowledge. paige knows, the moment she turns to look, it's all going to be over for her. she'll lock onto those warm, toffee eyes, and fall so far that she wouldn't be able to pull herself up. so paige doesn't turn.

when she switches the lights off, azzi goes with them.

----- --- -----

"bueckers, would it kill you to not leave your dirty basketball clothes all over the floor?"

"well, it wouldn't bother you if you stayed out of my room."

"not an option. pick up your shit."

"you literally pass through them anyway!"

----- --- -----

"azzi! azzi, i know you're there!"

azzi materializes by paige's window, one of her favorite places to be. she's got her arms crossed over the dark brown cami she's always wearing (ghosts don't seem to have access to a large wardrobe), and she's smirking like she knows exactly what's coming.

"where's my ipad?"

she tilts her head. "i don't know you're talking about."

"come on, bro."

"what's an ipad?"

"you know what an ipad is."

"i don't," azzi affirms. "is it one of those rectangles that glow?"

paige throws her hands up. "you're acting really dumb for someone who was trying to dictate my moves in candy crush twelve hours ago."

azzi puts her finger to her chin, putting on an air of faux curiosity. "what's candy crush?"

"oh come on," paige says. "there's like two times in the day when you're strong enough to move things and you chose to hide my most prized possession?"

a giggle threatens to burst out of azzi. paige side eyes her before she fixes her face.

"maybe you left it somewhere?"

"no, i would know, my soul would feel it, so it's gotta be you."

azzi hides another giggle in her fist. "your soul would feel it?"

there's this face that azzi makes when she's trying to hide her laughter, where she isn't smiling much, but her dimples are still so deep that they light up her eyes. it's just so lovely. paige spends everyday trying not to get lost in it.

paige looks her dead in the eye, completely serious. "that's my baby, azzi."

azzi finally breaks, laughter pealing out of her in waves. paige tries to stop herself from smiling at the sight, but she fails. she's never claimed to be immune to beauty like that.

paige tries to look unimpressed but it doesn't fool azzi. "so, where'd you hide it?"

"dude, i didn't hide it."

"bullshit."

"i didn't!" she says between laughs.

paige shakes her head, a sigh escaping from her lips. "fine. if you tell me where my ipad is, we can play smurfs."

that makes azzi stop in her tracks. "wait. really? you hate playing smurfs."

"if it'll get me my ipad back."

azzi gestures towards the bed. "underneath the mattress."

she immediately lifts the mattress, scanning the bed frame until she spots a purple ipad case. paige grabs it and whirls towards a very not guilty looking azzi.

"how in the hell..." paige says in disbelief. "i can't believe you. it takes you thirty minutes to move a goddamn cup, how did you life a whole mattress"

azzi just shrugs and skips over to her. "determination."

paige attempts a glare, but it ends up looking more lovesick puppy that would let azzi get away with anything. what can she say, she's weak for the corporeal form that lives in her walls.

azzi flops onto the bed, her cami riding up a little and revealing a thin strip of golden skin. paige wants to spread her fingers across that small mercy and push her deeper into the bed.

"paige? are we playing smurfs, or not?"

she shakes her head and clears her thoughts. "right," she says, sitting close enough to feel the warmth, but not close enough to touch.

----- --- -----

"do you miss it?"

"miss what?"

"being alive."

"yes. always."

"i'm sorry."

"don't say sorry. you're the closest i've gotten to remembering what it was like."

----- --- -----

one day, when paige was walking back from her classes, there was a a pop up flower shop on the side of the road, selling bouquets. she only had about seven dollars in her bank account, but she told herself that she'dl get paid soon and this would be worth it.

when she walked into the room she could feel the dust of the place, like pixie dust, settle among the pollen of the flowers, creating a scent that felt like it came from a chanel bottle.

azzi was at the bay window, like she always was.

"hey az. got you something."

she looked over, backlit by the sun. she looked like she belonged in a painting, not some invisible place in conneticut. it takes her a second to spot what was in paige hands, but when she does, her eyes light up in that way that makes paige blush every time.

"you bought me flowers?"

"yeah. uh, i noticed how you like to sit by the window in my bedroom, overlooking that garden in the apartment below us," paige shrugs. "i thought you'd like having some that were close enough to smell. "

"i can't smell," azzi says, quiet, gentle. "but thank you, paige. it's been a long time since anyone has done anything for me, much less something so nice."

she offers paige the sweetest, smallest smile and paige feels her heart crack open for the echo in her living room.

"it's no problem. seriously. this is your home."

azzi tilts her head up, looking her in the eye. "our home."

----- --- -----

when rain comes, azzi dims a little. like the world was taking a breathe through her, instead of with her.

paige learns to stay those days, to give azzi something to tether herself too. she doesn't mind it, she likes staying inside their apartment, looking for new adventures woven into the same floors.

recently, they've discovered that moving jenga blocks doesn't cost azzi much energy, making it the perfect rainy day activity.

paige's legs are sprawled out across the carpet, wrapped up in a pair of basketball shorts she should've thrown out two years ago. her tongue peaks out of her mouth as she focuses on choosing the perfect block.

she sees azzi starting at her in the corner of her eye. "what?"

azzi doesn't blink. "nothing. just make your move."

paige shifts slowly, pushing the block so that it slips out the opposite side and placing it carefully on the top of the tower. she pumps her fist in celebration and it results in a smile on azzi's face like paige hoped it would.

"paige. why haven't you asked me how i died?"

paige stilled. "i didn't think it was my business."

"what, a ghost shows up in your apartment—"

"our apartment."

"—and you don't even think to question it?"

"i did question it, but i figured you'd tell me when felt ready," paige says, sitting up. "when you didn't tell me, i assumed you didn't want to."

azzi folded her knee towards her body, hugging it. "i don't."

"there you go, then."

"you don't want to know?" azzi asks quietly.

paige stops and considers the words she wants to offer. "i like our life. i like living in this apartment with you. i like coming home to you at the bay window every day. i like you, as you are. i don't need to know anything beyond that, unless you'd like to tell me."

azzi smiles again and the sky settles. the rain comes slower now. "you're a good one, paige bueckers."

paige tries to put on an easy smirk, but the way her cheeks burn betrays her. "thanks. i try."

the walls breathe just enough to leave enough space for whatever conversation is passing between paige's lake blue eyes and azzi's chocolate ones. a thousand conversations travel through the air like birdsong, filling the room with kind of easy comfort that lingers in a room where people have danced.

azzi breaks the silence. "i like our life too."

----- --- -----

"you don't have to stay, paige."

"i know."

"you graduated. you have no reason to stay."

"i wouldn't say that."

she sighs. it's heavier than it normally is. she doesn't know if the weight is for paige or for herself. "you have a life to live."

"i do. and i want to start it here."

----- --- -----

in the end, paige left. she didn't want to but she knew she owed it to herself to find out exactly what she was capable of. she ended up getting drafted number one to the wings, the shining star meant to guide them to salvation.

she never even thought to get rid of the apartment. she made sure the curtains were left open for azzi, and had flowers delivered there every week. sometimes, the delivery man would hear singing coming from the walls.

and over the course of the last eighteen years of her career, paige built up a routine. at the end of every season, she comes home to connecticut, to storrs, and spends her every free second there before the cycle starts again.

no one really knew why, only that there was an old apartment there that she liked to spend time in and watch the leaves change color. which was exactly how paige wanted it.

in all of paige's years, nothing has stayed the same, not even azzi. physically, she looked the same, same luminescent skin and infectious smile. but every time paige comes back, she seems a little more settled into the walls of the apartment and little less there, with paige.

that terrified paige the most. that one day paige will come back and azzi won't be there anymore, finally air like she was meant to be.

azzi always notices when she's thinking about that. azzi always notices everything.

"stop staring at me like i'm going to disappear, bueckers."

paige looks away, running her hands through her blonde hair that was speckled with white. "sorry," she says, clipped.

the wind pulls at the windows, loud and incessant. time seemed to drag in this apartment.

azzi sits next to her, gently laying her hand on top of paige's so it was like they were almost holding hands. paige doesn't feel anything, but the gesture calms her. "as long as you come back, paige, i'll be here. i promise."

paige clicks her tongue, smile already back on her face.

"i, uh, i have some news," paige says, twiddling her fingers nervously.

azzi nods expectantly, urging her on. paige swallows.

"i'm retiring."

"what?" azzi says. "but you love playing. and the people, they love you."

"i know," paige whispers. "i'm going to miss it."

"so why would you give it up?"

"it's taking it's toll," paige says, shrugging. "plus, i got a job offer."

azzi's eyes widen, light buzzing around her. "what?"

"cd called me, said that the head coach spot at uconn was mine, if i wanted it."

"wait, that means—"

paige face breaks out into a blinding grin. "i'm staying, azzi."

azzi blinks up at her, eyes watering. "you're staying."

"guess you're gonna have to get used to having a roommate again."

there's no sun in the sky. there are no clouds either, just a drab sky draped in white.

azzi pulls the curtains back, pressing her lips together.

she's been at bly manor for four years now, and nothing has really changed. the old house still stands tall and foreboding, like it wouldn't bend, even to the end of the world, and the greenery around it doesn't do much to make the stone more appeasing.

the curtain drops.

this isn't the kind of morning that asks much of anyone, much less someone like azzi, who finds her strength with the wind and the sunlight, but she drags herself to usefulness anyway. she isn't the type to skip out on work. prides herself on it, actually.

besides. it's difficult for a house to wake up without its keeper.

she picks out a midi skirt and a loose sweater to go on top, something comfortable enough to feel like a second skin. the cold seems to have seeped in during the night, so she pinches her cheeks to bring some life back into them and ties up her hair in a casual updo.

there's a lovely scent coming from downstairs. normally, azzi would check on the rooms, making sure everything is in order, before going into the kitchen. but the children haven't woken up yet and neither has their minder, the au pair. there's no one to run after.

so she allows herself this respite.

every room in the manor is covered in shadow, because they like to hide things, but the kitchen is different. the kitchen shines bright even when the sun doesn't, and so does paige, their cook.

azzi walks into the kitchen, her steps deliberately soft. she likes not announcing her arrival when paige is in the middle of something. the cook gets this look on her face when she finally notices azzi there, like she's shocked and content at the same time, almost like azzi's just come home after a long time. it makes her feel…warm.

paige is stirring something vigorously, her tongue peeking out slightly as she puts all her effort into beating whatever she's making into submission. her blonde hair i in a loose ponytail with wisps of hair framing her face like glitter floating in the air.

she turns, about to lean against the kitchen counter, when she finally notices azzi.

"azzi. hi."

there it is. there's that look.

she smiles. "good morning, paige."

paige scrunches her nose, and azzi's smile gets a bit wider when she sees it. "not really, is it? bit of a shitty morning, actually."

"true," azzi says, humming. "but i'm sure you'll turn it around."

paige turns her head away from azzi, maybe to hide her face. but that doesn't matter. azzi knows when she hits the mark. that rosy red blush is one of paige's best accessories.

she holds out her spoon towards azzi. "wanna try?"

"what is it?" azzi says, leaning forward.

she pouts. "don't you trust me?"

"sometimes," azzi deadpans.

paige is a lovely cook. she has made some of the best food azzi's ever eaten. but she likes to try some strange combinations, and azzi has been a victim of her experiments before. she has valid reason to be a little suspicious.

paige just pushes the spoon closer. "just try it, azzi."

azzi concedes. the batter is sweet, but buttery, coating her mouth in a sensation she can't even begin to describe. but it's hard to swallow. it won't go down.

"so?"

azzi licks the side of her mouth, cleaning her lips. she doesn't notice paige's eyes dip down. "it's good."

"that's all?"

azzi ignores her. paige likes to fish for compliments she hasn't earned yet. "what is it?"

she sets the bowl down and wipes her hands on her flannel shirt before adjusting her ponytail. "they're…scones."

"scones?" azzi says, surprised.

"look, i know what you're going to say–"

"scones is baking. you're baking."

"yeah–"

azzi crosses her arms. "you suck at baking."

sometimes azzi wonders why she keeps a cook that can't bake, but by the time she found out, the kids had already fallen in love with paige and would've thrown a fit if she fired her. not to mention, azzi's gotten a little attached herself.

apparently, an impulsive cook who likes to put her own spin on things is bad at following the very precise directions in a baking recipe. who could have guessed?

paige wraps her hand around her wrist lightly. "i didn't do anything crazy this time, i promise. they should, for all intents and purposes, turn out edible, at the very least."

azzi considers glaring, but then decides against it. she's learned the hard way that trying to scold paige is one of the hardest things on earth.

she smiles instead, a small, quiet thing. "i guess we'll see."

"we will," paige says, matching her smile with a brighter version.

she turns back to the stove, before looking towards azzi, noticing something. azzi looks around, confused. "you haven't eaten," paige says, already reaching for the fridge door handle.

azzi brushes her off. "it's okay, i'll eat with the kids."

"it's saturday, azzi. you know those rascals won't wake up for at least another four hours," paige counters, grabbing some eggs. "i'll make your favorite. it'll be worth it."

azzi leans against the counter. "you spoil me too much."

"no, i don't. i could stand to do it more often," paige says, completely serious. "besides, if i don't do it, who will?"

the words slip out of paige too easily. a casual admission of care that azzi doesn't know what to do with.

"you just relax," paige continues.

azzi smiles, sheepish. "easier said than done."

"no, it isn't," paige says, walking over to azzi. "it's actually pretty simple."

paige puts both hands on azzi's waist. azzi grabs her forearms and looks up at paige, eyes wide. paige's smirk is too proud for her own good. she lifts azzi up, settling her onto the counter and narrowly avoiding the heels that had started kicking the moment they left the ground. "there. that's better," she whispers up at azzi.

she goes back to her cooking, cracking eggs into a bowl with one hand like nothing even happened. azzi still hasn't caught her breath. except, there's nothing to catch.

"you're really something, paige."

––––– ––– –––––

it's bright outside. it has been for the last couple of days, warming the walls of the house and helping it breathe. it's nice. it helps azzi breathe too.

at least, it used to.

she's been at the house on her own for a while now, just herself and her thoughts. the loneliness has become too friendly, like an old coat she slips on when she gets too tired.

nothing here surprises her anymore.

azzi turns the sink on, letting the warm water flow through her fingers.

the doorbell rings. azzi nearly jumps out of her skin as the water turns cold.

she rushes to dry her hands before running out to open the door. there's a woman on the other side, tall, blonde, with a sharp jawline that offsets the relaxed stance of her body. her mouth is set in an easy smile like it's natural for her, and her eyes are alight, the closest thing to the ocean this drab english manor will ever see.

azzi runs her eyes over her, trying to figure out exactly who she's looking at. she settles on saying,"good morning," when she doesn't come up with any answers.

"hi," the woman says, a little breathless. "i'm paige. i'm here about the cook position?"

"right. of course." she steps out of the way, opening the door further. "come in."

paige smiles, following her into the house.

––––– ––– –––––

there's no sun in the sky.

she's back at the dinner table. the kids are talking to emma, their au pair. they're barely paying attention to azzi. which is a good thing, she supposes, because she feels wrong. like she's been falling for ages and she's still trying to find the ground. in this moment, being invisible feels nice.

it doesn't last, though. one person is paying attention. one person always will.

paige pushes off of the kitchen counter where she's eating her breakfast out of the saucepan she used to cook it. she leaves the pan behind, settling into the chair next to azzi. "azzi? you okay?"

"i'm fine," she says, too quickly.

"you didn't eat this morning. even after i made your favorite."

azzi rubs her temple, flinching. she doesn't know why, but she just couldn't stomach it, even though the food looked so nice and she hasn't eaten in ages. "i'm sorry, i just…didn't feel good."

paige pauses. "did you try the scones?"

azzi looks up at her, a bit bewildered. "no." she smiles, betraying herself. "are they edible?"

"more than," paige confirms, that insufferable smirk that azzi won't admit she likes on her face. "some of my best work, i think."

"i'll be the judge of that," azzi says, taking a scone off the table. paige puts her elbow on the table and leans closer.

she takes a bite. she still can't swallow. paige tilts her head up, expectant. "what do you think?"

azzi looks over towards paige, coffee brown eyes warmed through and through. "it's lovely."

"really?"

"truly."

the smile azzi earns from paige isn't big, but it's soft and wonderful and everything good.

––––– ––– –––––

"why did you leave your last job?"

paige leans back into the chair, her hands fidgeting. "well, i was a sous chef in paris, and you know sous chefs don't really do a lot of cooking. mostly just chopping, and peeling, all the tedious stuff. here, i'd get to have a little more fun, make some of my own food instead of someone else's."

azzi eyes her carefully. "you were in paris?"

"yeah, i moved there after studying in the americas."

"you know," azzi starts. "we need someone who's willing to stay on for a while. the kids, they need consistency. i don't know if someone who's used to the hustle of a city would fit well in a place like this."

paige barely blinks, as casual and at home as she's been since she walked in. "i don't know. i think the quiet could be good for me."

azzi hums. "you don't seem like the type to like the quiet. the opposite, actually."

"am i that transparent?" paige says, smiling. azzi finds herself smiling back.

"just a little."

paige settles her elbows on her knees, looking down at her twiddling fingers. "if i'm honest, all i want is a fresh start. somewhere new."

azzi looks closer at those too-honest eyes. "i can understand that."

––––– ––– –––––

there's no sun in the sky.

which isn't unusual, considering she's inside now. in the attic, if she has to guess.

there's laughter in the hallway.

the kids. i keep telling them to play outside in the gardens. their mother would kill me if she found scuffs on the floor.

azzi turns, ready to snap into the role of a housekeeper, but then her eyes catch on the grandfather clock that reads one pm. three hours past the last time she checked.

she stops.

that can't be right.

someone calls her name and she turns.

––––– ––– –––––

"well, i was a sous chef. in paris. cutting, chopping, and all that. but i figured here, i could do my own cooking, not all that prep stuff."

azzi blinks. she's back in that chair. paige is in front of her, watching her, like there's something worth looking at. "paige?"

"hmm?"

"we've done this–before? haven't we?"

paige's eyes are so kind. too kind. azzi wants to wrap herself up in them and stay.

"we have," she says, voice softer than honey.

"we have," azzi repeats, mostly to herself.

"do you remember?" paige asks. still gentle, still quietly devastating.

azzi smiles at the memory, shaking her head a little. "you came into this big house, wearing a flannel shirt that had oil stains and jeans that were ripped at the knees. you had that smile, you know the one, and despite everything…all i wanted to was to stay with you. near you. listen to you talk forever."

"it was a good day," paige whispers.

azzi's eyes start watering. "it was perfect."

paige reaches over and takes her hand. "but you can't stay. you know that, don't you?"

"why not?" azzi yells, half delirious, but mostly grieving. "why can't i stay?"

there's that smile again. "because it's not real, azzi."

"it's not real."

––––– ––– –––––

there's no sun in the sky. barely any light floods in through the church windows. the wooden pew digs into azzi's skin, pressing into the flesh of her thigh.

she looks up at the cross and closes her eyes.

there's a voice. a familiar one.

"in church already, azzi?" paige calls out. "it's barely 3 pm. have the kids been testing you?"

azzi keeps her eyes closed, but she lets a teasing lilt slip into her voice. "you've been testing me."

she hears some rustling and then a warmth beside her. "have i?" paige whispers into the space between them.

"you always do."

"you like it."

azzi opens her eyes and looks over. paige is next to her, just like she had imagined, and it feels too right. "i do."

paige rests a hand over azzi's. "seriously, azzi. are you okay? something feels…wrong. no, off."

"i–" azzi starts. "i don't know."

"okay," paige says. "that's okay."

azzi says the next words like a confession. "is it?"

paige doesn't say anything. she just breathes, as solid as she's always been, letting the earth slow down just enough for azzi's mind to stop spinning. azzi focuses on the feel of her hand on hers and holds onto it like a tether.

she's real, azzi thinks. you're here, and she's real.

––––– ––– –––––

"well, i was a sous chef in paris. mainly chopping, peeling–"

"you never even tried to impress me during this interview."

paige looks up. she doesn't even look surprised by the interruption. "oh, i was trying to impress you."

azzi snorts. "then you did a horrible job. you didn't even give me a resume."

"i didn't say i was trying to get the job," paige corrects. "i said i was trying to impress you."

azzi looks back. her heart stops in her throat, cold and stuck.

"did i impress you?" paige asks, slow and confident. she's fishing again. she already knows the answer.

azzi crosses her legs. "you know the answer to that."

"do i?" she says, unsure for the first time. "you never said it. you never said a lot of things."

the light filters in through the kitchen windows. azzi looks into it, blinking away tears. "you're right. i didn't."

paige looks down, her face set like someone who knows the future. "now, it's too late."

azzi knits her eyebrows together. "it was the fall, wasn't it? i thought i saved myself in time, but i guess i didn't."

paige doesn't say anything. she just looks at her.

"a little more. just give me a little more," azzi pleads.

––––– ––– –––––

there's no sun in the sky.

it's night now, an endless black, dotted with the glow of the stars and the moon.

"you could go to paris."

azzi looks over at paige, resisting the urge to laugh. "paris? me?"

paige shrugs. "why not?"

they're on the porch, sprawled across the bench and wrapped up in too many blankets. paige takes the wine bottle they're sharing out of her hand.

"what would i do in paris?" azzi says, biting her smile back.

paige takes a swig, a bit of wine dribbling off her chin. she shrugs, trying to be casual, but the motion is too exaggerated for it to seem easy. "you could do whatever you want. eat. travel. see things you've never seen before. do things you've never done."

"i used to want that," azzi whispers, nearly surprising herself. "a fresh start."

"you can still want it," paige says, her blue eyes shining purple in the moonlight.

the wood beneath her creaks, crying out into the nighttime. azzi pulls the blanket up further, fully covering her shoulders.

"i don't know if i can," azzi admits. "i've been here so long. i can barely think about leaving."

"what if i came with you?"

"what?"

paige hands her the wine bottle, her smile more guarded than normal. "we could go together, with nothing but the clothes on our back. we could do whatever the hell we wanted. just the two of us."

azzi can't breathe. stops breathing.

"that would be nice," she says, careful. "paris…with you."

the way paige's face lights up cracks something in azzi's heart. "really?"

"yes," azzi says. there's a rising feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. paige's arm brushes hers. her heart should be racing.

it isn't.

"i'm going to take you away from here, azzi, " paige says, her words slurring together. "far, far, away." her eyes close, her head falling onto azzi's shoulder. "and we could finally…"

paige's voice trails off. azzi looks over and finds paige asleep, soft snores coming from her mouth.

she lifts her arm, cradling paige's head carefully. paige tucks her head in even further at the touch, and it should comfort azzi, how right it all feels.

but instead she feels like she's signed away her life before it even began.

––––– ––– –––––

"cutting and chopping and all the prep work. but here, i would get to do my own cooking, come up with my own recipes–

"i'm dead."

paige stops. or more accurately, she freezes. her face is turned away from azzi, which might be a mercy.

azzi sniffs, trying to stop herself from crying."that's right, isn't it?"

"it is."

"i went out to take a walk. i stopped by the well to look up at the sky. there was no sun. and then i–"

paige grabs azzi's hand, stopping her. "it's okay, azzi. it's okay."

she keeps whispering it, like the words could fix anything.

"this day was one of my favorites," azzi says, looking up. paige runs her thumb across the skin of azzi's hand. "you, with all your annoyingly irresistible charm and soft eyes, talking to me like it was the easiest thing in the world. i could've stayed in this moment forever with you."

paige doesn't say anything. she just watches with the same gentleness she's always had.

"i do want to go to paris. with you. it's nice to dream about what it would be like if we could leave bly. the small little apartment we'd find that would barely fit all of our things. it wouldn't matter, though, because i would bring flowers to leave on the table and you would smile every time you walked into the kitchen. you would open a restaurant, and i would find something else to do. something lighter. and we would've had a good life. together."

azzi can't stop the tears anymore. she can feel them flowing, but none drip off her face onto her pants. of course not. crying is reserved for the living.

"i loved you, paige."

paige still hasn't moved.

"i should have told you," azzi says, broken and a little desperate.

"it's okay," paige whispers again.

"it's not," azzi shakes her head. "it's not."

"no," paige agrees. "it's not."

"i'm sorry," azzi says. one last confession.

"don't apologize, az." paige smirks like it's an inside joke. "it doesn't matter. it's not real."

"it's not real," azzi repeats.

"yes, azzi," paige affirms. "it's not real. and you have to be feeling it. you're slipping. you're running out of time. you have to go back."

azzi lets go of paige's hand. "i have to–"

"don't worry. you can," paige comforts.

"thank you, paige," azzi says before standing up.

paige looks up. "for what?"

"for letting me stay."

––––– ––– –––––

there's no sun in the sky. but it's almost dawn. it'll be here soon.

paige is still leaning on her shoulder, sleeping soundly. azzi would love to stay and just watch her, but she can feel it all slipping. she's losing time.

she shakes paige lightly. "paige, wake up."

"hmm?" paige groans, still half asleep. she blinks, taking in her surroundings. azzi can't help but smile, saving every second before she loses it all. "oh shit, we fell asleep. or at least i did. sorry, azzi. will saying that you were a very comfortable pillow change anything?"

azzi laughs. the sun starts to glow around paige's face, setting her blonde hair alight.

"paige, i need you to listen."

paige steadies herself at the somberness of azzi's voice. "is everything okay?"

"no," azzi answers honestly.

"what–"

"i need you to check the well," azzi says before she loses her nerve.

"the well? what's wrong with the well?"

"just–" azzi pleads."listen to me."

"okay," paige agrees, like she'd follow azzi anywhere. and that hurts more than anything. because she can't.

azzi grabs paige's arm as tightly as she can, but it doesn't matter. she can't feel the warmth of paige's skin beneath hers.

she's run out of time.

"i love you, " azzi whispers, the words falling like teardrops. "and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

––––– ––– –––––

when the housekeeper's body was finally lifted from the well, broken and tired, the way homes with no one to live inside them are, there was no sun in the sky. it was blank, like it had stopped moving out of respect of a soul lost too soon. the police, after their investigation, assumed the housekeeper had just tripped and fell in. a unfortunate tragedy that didn't require too much follow up or noise.

the cook didn't cry much when she found out, at least not where anyone could see. but she did stay with the keeper. she rode with her all the way back to town and insisted on staying where she could see her when they took her to the coroner. they say she even cleaned her herself, with a soft towel, a vanilla scented soap she had bought for the housekeeper once, and the gentlest of touches.

she stayed by her side until they buried her. she even stayed after. she stood over her grave, waiting for the housekeeper to place a hand on her shoulder and surprise her one last time.

the cook left bly manor carefully. she packed her things slowly, afraid of shifting the memories immortalized in the walls. the housekeeper didn't leave much behind, but everything she did found its place in the cook's suitcases. nobody fought her on it. they knew it was hers to take. it was her pain to carry.

the house seemed quieter when she stepped back over the threshold, like it was trying to tell her it would miss her. she dropped a kiss on the foreheads of both kids and promised she would visit. the au pair looked up at her with understanding in her eyes and told her to call if she ever needed anything.

the world was a big place. and really, the cook could've gone anywhere. but she chose to go to paris, where she lived in a small apartment that brightened when it had flowers in the kitchen. she opened a restaurant, a cozy place that people liked to come back to, where the laughter was loud and the love was even louder.

a picture hung in the middle of her restaurant, one of a smiling, golden face, with coffee brown eyes and unruly curls. the cook had taken the picture when the housekeeper wasn't looking and she was scolded for it and told to delete the picture after. but she never did.

the regulars liked to ask her about her cooking and whenever they did, the cook's eyes softened, taken to some other place and some other time. she'd look over at that picture and she'd say, "i made it for someone i love to try."

the cook lived the rest of her days there, her smile adorned by every wrinkle she earned, and her eyes still the soft ocean blue the housekeeper fell for.

it was never a mystery that the cook loved the housekeeper in that house, with every piece of her heart. everyone knew it. they could see it in the way the cook would lean close, hoping for another reluctant smile sent her way.