I’ve been working, but not diligently. I have been MEANING to update, but it always feels like such a lot of work in the moment (accompanied by the chorus of part self defeating and part lazy justifying voices):  Why am I even doing this? Why am I bothering? Does this help? Me or anyone? I don’t know. (I’m not sliding into depression, my mood isn’t bad, I’m steady on my Prozac (all hail Prozac), etc., I’m good. I’m just not really in love with myself at the moment. And I want to like me again. I want to DO SHIT.
I WANT to be accountable. To myself first and foremost, but really to ANYONE, if that’s what it takes until I get in a good swing. To tell the truth, I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever been in one. I’ve always been smart - super smart - the quick kind that hides a LOT of sins, BUT never super high achieving because I take the smartness for granted. Since I was a kid, I could coast and pull it out at the end. I think this is still my default. My brain is still 10 years old some days. I’m no different than I was as a teenager that never learned any good habits in the first place (which is where being smart is a fucking pisser BECAUSE I SEE WHAT WOULD WORK!). I never learned to be an adulty adult.
BUT I WANT TO BE!Â
I turn 50 this year. GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. I want this to be my GOLDEN YEAR. I want to get unstuck and finish my PhD, I want to SHED THIS FUCKING WEIGHT and be healthy and fit. I want to be unflappable, unfuckwithable, kind, and strong. The kind of strong that glows from the inside. I want to accomplish things, FINISH them. Succeed. I want the people I love to know they can count on me.
ALL OF IT starts with, surprise surprise, HABITS, namely, me ditching old habits and picking up new ones - setting up good systems. (See above - I CAN SEE IT. Read the books. Understand the neuroscience). But what are the actual habits I want/want to ditch? They change from time to time but I realize the habit itself is less important to me to than the ability to control myself; to be able to take or leave the habits BY CHOICE - not laziness, not fear. I want to not squander the years and opportunities left.
So this is my intention. Over the next couple of days, I’m writing it all down. Making a list. I have to know what’s coming up this year already (teaching), what I want to finish (thesis, purging my house of shit I don’t want and need), how I want my days to look (up early, work out, brain productivity, connections with my people), and where I have my eye on being in 1, 5, and 10 years.
I’m obviously not at the 100 Days of Productivity place yet, so I’m letting that go for now. Maybe I’ll circle back. What I am going to commit to is this: I will check in here every day in the morning. I will share the ONE THING that MUST get done that day. I will do this for every day of the rest of this year - which I realize is one more week, but apparently I have to start small.  In the medium term, my friend has offered to be my thesis-sit-on-my-neck-er and I’m going to take him up on it (we’ve agreed on 4 January to start, because why doom myself from the beginning during holidays).Â
One of the things I want to make a go of is this. Some writing, maybe some pics, maybe some videos. Maybe share with the rest of you who can’t quite get their shit together either. I’d like to make age just one variable in my life, second to my will, my systems, my plans, and my ambitions. I work best working things out out loud, I think. At least at some point in my process - there needs to be some outside work. I hope you join me. I would love to hear from you. What are you working on? How are you working on it?Â
See you tomorrow.
