Secret St Waidwen Gift Fic!
Happy New Year and happy Secret St Waidwen reveal day! My recipient for the @secret-st-waidwen-exchange is @starlightcleric!!
I was so over the moon to write something for Cal for this exchange, I adore her and I hope I did her justice here!
Fic: The Feeling of Faith Characters: Xoti, Watcher Calendula Ships: Xoti/Watcher (Pre-Relationship) Rating: G Summary: Three prayers Xoti offers up to her god, plus one conversation with that silent, stoic woman who calls herself the Watcher.
Everyone tells Xoti she talks too much.
Xoti's heard the sentiment so often, she reckons it must be true. Doesn't really stop her, though, especially when she's so young and just about bursting with things to say. She's a girl with ideas, and imagination, and opinions that she just can't keep a lid on, even when nobody else wants to hear.
That, she'll pinpoint later in life, might be why she falls into the habit of talking to Gaun. At least then she can call it prayer.
Prayer makes her chores less bothersome. She prays under her breath as she sweeps the floor, musing to Gaun about the fireflies she saw last night and wondering whether that's what souls look like to the folks who can see them. She prays absentmindedly as she kneads dough for bread, relaying to Gaun the dreams that plague her in the night. When she's scolded for her ceaseless chatter and sent outside to fetch water from the well, she prays out loud the whole walk over, lamenting her current lot in life.
"I don't wanna stay here forever, just waitin' for change," she says to open air, tilting her head back to watch the sky above. The bright blue light of the afternoon is fading to violet darkness; dusk is heading her way. "I know you've got a path set out for me, Gaun. Someday, I'm gonna walk it. Wherever it leads."
Gaun doesn't answer. He never does, but then, that ain't really the point. What matters is Xoti's belief that he listens, and that's something no amount of nagging or scolding can take from her.
Above Xoti’s head, the fireflies are coming out to greet the rising night, blinking out a message she doesn't yet understand.
...
Xoti does follow her path, and she pays no mind to what people think of her for it. She walks steady and true under Gaun's gaze, and she follows his path all the way to the Deadfire.
The mission is equal parts thrilling and agonizing. Xoti loves the excitement of travel; she relishes the sights of these faraway places nearly as much as she relishes the idea of becoming the type of person who goes to faraway places. Others in her group are weary and stern- they once had sparks in their hearts, Xoti’s sure of it, but a lot of what the Dawnstars once were died out on that bridge, right alongside Eothas. Disheartening though they are, Xoti has sympathy for those folks.
But she's not like them. She's always placed Gaun above and beyond the others, and her spark is still strong.
That's where the agony comes in. Xoti had hoped and prayed that when Eothas sprang back up and walked upon the land, her fellow devotees would follow suit. And they did, to an extent…but the Dawnstars are still far too content to wait and watch. Sure, they preach and they tend to their flock, but even their revival harbors a meekness that Xoti just can't abide.
She didn't come this far to keep on spending her time waiting.
Her prayers these days are tinged with desperation. "Come on, Gaun," she whispers to herself as she lies in her cot at night, sweating in the stale, humid air. "I've received your visions, and I've spoken your word. I know what the lost souls of this world need. I'm ready and willing to guide them. All I'm asking for is someone willing to listen."
The next day, she meets a bedraggled, shipwrecked stranger. And she is a strange stranger, that much is for sure- the woman says she’s a Watcher, and that on a whim she can peer into a person’s soul or speak with the departed. She says she was sent by the gods themselves to halt Eothas in his tracks.
She says her name is Calendula, and she says that she could use Xoti’s help.
...
"She's a rare one, ain't she?" Xoti says to Gaun one night.
She's sitting at the bow of the ship, gripping an overhead rope with one hand as she balances on the wooden railing. Her whole body sways with the movement of the ship; the waves roll her world gently up and down, the salty spray of the sea overwhelms her senses, and the wind has turned her hair to an unruly mess.
She loves it here.
The only point of uncertainty is the Watcher.
"She's a Berathian, y'know," Xoti continues, though she's well aware that of course Gaun would know about the Watcher and her godly business. "Even calls herself the Herald of Berath. Guess that's why she ain't bothered much by my lost souls. Good thing for me, huh?"
Xoti's free hand goes to the lantern at her hip. It's an almost unconscious motion now, to check and make sure it's still there and full of promise. The lantern is downright teeming with souls; as it turns out, following after a Watcher is a good way to track down the dead. They're all safe in Xoti's cradle now, ready to be passed on to Gaun's hands just as soon as she finds herself a good conduit.
A stroke of good fortune, this Watcher.
Calendula.
Xoti likes the name; she likes the way it rolls along her tongue and makes her think of flowers. Of the woman herself…Xoti admits, she’s not sure what to think.
"She seems sad, doesn't she?" Xoti muses to the ocean air. "Or maybe just quiet. It's always hard to tell with Berath's flock. But there's something else about her. I can't put my finger on it. Still…I think I like her well enough. She got me off that island, didn’t she? And if this all goes like it should, I'll be meeting up with ya soon enough. Won't that be something?"
Maybe the thought should make her nervous. The elders back home would certainly claim that meeting a god face-to-face should inspire humility, even in someone like Xoti, whose eyes they say are full of stars and roses.
But Xoti’s never felt less fearful in all her life. If her hand shakes as she checks her lantern, it’s only due to pure excitement. She’s finally, finally well and truly on her way to something just as big as she's always dreamed.
"Just gotta stick by the Watcher’s side," Xoti whispers, though given her track record at winning people over, that thought does give her some pause. "Here's hoping she ends up liking me."
...
It must be said: the Sacred Stair at Neketaka is home to some mighty fine temples. Xoti leans out over a wall overlooking the winding steps, taking in the sights with wide eyes and a wider grin.
The dirt roads she once walked on are far, far away from where she stands now.
The only reminder of home is the Eothasian temple nested in the corner of the district. Xoti's certain she'll pay a visit before the day is out, but she can't bring herself to enter just yet. She loves her brethren, she really does…but that temple isn't what she needs right now, especially if they're just gonna ask her to put her mission for Gaun aside and come back to the stifling embrace of the Dawnstars.
Xoti's tired of arguing with them. She'd rather stand up here in the wind and breathe in her newfound freedom.
"Are you ready to keep going?"
Xoti starts and turns to find Calendula, who can apparently be dead quiet when she wants to, waiting for a response. Xoti pushes back a strand of her windswept hair and gives a nod.
"Yeah. Did you find what you needed?"
"Somewhat. There are a some things here I should look into on Berath's behalf."
Calendula's voice is even, but her eyes are dark and tired. Xoti recalls what happened down at the docks; the Watcher had really shown off her power, but she'd looked exhausted afterwards, and Xoti hasn't seen her take a restful breath since. Being a Herald takes a lot out of a person, it seems…yet Xoti can't help but be insatiably curious.
"Did you talk to Berath?" she asks, and Calendula gives her a wary look.
"I prayed," she answers simply. "Anything more than that will happen in my sleep. It’s not exactly something I can summon at will."
"It's still impressive," Xoti says wistfully, "being able to really talk to the gods like that. Wish I knew what it was like."
Calendula gives her another one of those odd looks, and Xoti can feel the heat rise to her face as she realizes, too late, how that might've sounded.
"Did I stick my foot in my mouth again? Sorry, it's just- I talk to Gaun a lot, you know. Feels sometimes like he's the only one with the patience to listen. At least, I assume he's listening. Could be he's been ignoring me this whole time."
Xoti lets out a sheepish laugh, but Calendula doesn't join in on the joke. Those dark eyes of hers are still on Xoti, taking her measure, until at last she declares with solemnity, "You don't really think that."
"…No. I don't." Xoti eyes Calendula, but she sees no judgment at her confession. Scoldings from the elders back home ring in her ears again; they’d called her arrogant for thinking things like that, but Xoti never agreed. It's nice to see that maybe Calendula doesn't, either. Xoti smiles to herself as she continues. "Gaun knows me. He listens when I talk. I believe that’s the truth as much as I believe in anything. Just sometimes…I wish he'd talk back a little clearer.”
Still no admonition comes forth from Calendula, so Xoti throws caution to the wind and lets curiosity take hold of her tongue. “So tell me, Watcher- what's it like, standing before the gods?"
Calendula muses on the at length before answering. She tilts her head upwards, letting the breeze off the ocean push against strands of her thick dark hair. "Intimidating," she says, slowly. "Awe-inspiring. Frustrating."
She shrugs again, a slight apology in the motion. "It's difficult to describe. It’s difficult to sleep, as well, with all their voices in my head."
Hazy memories of lost souls and broken futures are called forth to Xoti's mind, and she sighs as her own thoughts get lost in the remnants of her nightmares. "I know the feeling. Not exactly, I admit, but the dreams I have…sometimes I wake up more exhausted than I was when I put my head down." Out of habit, she taps against the lantern at her side, and her fingertips thrum in accordance with its quiet energy. "Still…it's all worth it, ain't it? To be part of something more. I've always thought so. When I feel fate whispering in my ears- when I touch the Beyond, just for a moment- it's the only time things have ever really made sense to me. Like I'm finally being who I am, and doing what I was meant to do.”
Xoti closes her eyes as she speaks, losing herself in her words. "I think I could endure just about anything for that feeling. Maybe that's where faith comes from."
A silence hangs in the air after that, and Xoti opens her eyes to find Calendula's gaze intense upon her. And before Xoti has the chance to get all flustered and flummoxed at the attention…Calendula smiles.
It's a rare thing, that smile. Calendula's expression is usually smooth as stone, and Xoti realizes in that moment that she may not have ever seen a real smile on the Watcher’s face before. But Calendula grants her one now, a gratified little thing that's small and subtle but undoubtedly sincere.
"You do understand," Calendula muses. She studies Xoti a moment longer, then adds, "I am glad you decided to travel with me. With us. It's good, to have someone who understands."
And as Xoti's standing here on the Sacred Stair, looking at her new companion in the setting sun of the Deadfire, another realization pops into her head: when she smiles like that, Calendula is awful pretty.
Xoti swats the silly thought away as soon as it enters her head. There's far more important things this Watcher is- she's devoted to her god, and she's smart as a whip, and she lets Xoti blurt her thoughts out without complaint. Besides, pretty isn't even quite right, anyway. Not wrong, but not the best way to describe the dark depth of Calendula’s eyes, or the quiet confidence in how she holds herself.
Hypnotic, Xoti might call her, if she had to pick a word.
Why she'd ever have to is anyone's guess, and Xoti herself doesn't even know why her thoughts are trailing down that path.
"You know," Xoti says, before she can ruminate too much, "the next time you find you can't sleep, you should come on and talk to me. Odds are I'll be awake, too. We can keep each other company."
Calendula looks a little off-guard at that- another first. If Xoti didn't know any better, she'd think she’s managed to somehow surprise this worldfaring woman.
"You're certain?" Calendula asks. "I should warn you, I'm not the best of conversationalists."
"That's just fine. I've been told I chatter enough for two."
Calendula smiles once more.
Much, much later, Xoti will remember that moment and that smile, and she’ll yet again thank Gaun for listening to her prayers and setting her off on this twisting path.
