#wands

The wind blows against the thin windows of the apartment, branches swaying from side to side outside. The rainstorm rivals Wanda’s inner turmoil, the emotions she has felt for far too long. 

With one of your legs over her lap, Wanda gently rubs your calves in a soothing motion, your soft perfume invading her every sense. It’s in moments like these that Wanda gives into her fantasies, the desires she doesn’t allow to see the light of day. 

She refuses to admit it aloud, but she often imagines what your lives would be like thirty years down the road if you two were to get married. a beautiful two-story home, two children, a dog, a rose bush outside, the whole nine yards. Your skin underneath her palm almost burns.

The movie playing is the last thing on Wanda’s mind. Instead, it plays secret moments between you two that plague her memory in the sweetest way. 

the smile on your face as she handed you a snack you’d been craving, the way you wrap your arms around her neck when the two of you hug, even the way you would walk to her car with a bright smile when she’d pick you up. even smaller moments, like when she’s allowed to hold you while you fall asleep after an exhausting day. 

She can feel her chest heavier as the thoughts stay in her head, her tongue not trusted enough to confess yet. You can feel your skin raw as Wanda rubs the same spot of skin for too long; you glance over to the redhead. Instead of seeing an entertained Wanda, you see green eyes zeroed in on the plant in the corner. Her breathing is shallow, and her bottom lip is tucked between her teeth.

“Wanda?” your voice is sickly sweet, a soft hand placed atop wanda’s own, “You okay?” 

Your thumb rubs gentle circles against her knuckles. green dazed eyes turn to face yours, a fake smile plastered on her lips as she focused back on you. she only nods with a soft hum.

What Wanda couldn’t admit to you is the way her heart aches to hold yours, how your name is etched in every crevice of her mind, and she never wishes to change that fact. She doesn’t think she can admit how badly she wishes to be the person you return to every day after work. She will have you in any way you allow her, even if it takes years off her life.

So she settles for the bits and pieces you grant her. sporadic movie nights, phone calls and texts, the occasional love life complaining, all of it. 

Every time you’d show up at Wanda’s apartment with a mopey smile after a date, Wanda’s heartstrings tugged more and more. She hated the idea of someone chatting you up, trying to get you to fall for them, when she knew your heart inside and out. 

She swore one day she’d grow the courage to be the one who takes you on that date, and let that be the last first date you were on. Or at least that’s what she told herself every time you wound up on her front door step. 

It’s selfish, she thinks, to wish to be a plague in someone’s mind. 

She clears her throat, “you know,” her voice is meek and overwhelmed with underlying emotions, “I was out the other night with my friend from work, and I heard this girl a few seats away from me talking to someone.”

Your head is tilted to the side, silently letting her know that she’s your sole focus. Wanda almost loses her train of thought at your intense gaze. You push a strand of hair back from her face so you can see her more clearly. Wanda smiles softly at your gesture, her heart glowing. 

“Her voice sounded so much like yours that I thought it was you,” wanda’s plays with the material of your pajama pants, taking in the way you look away from her when you playfully roll your eyes. The sight of your smile brings one to her own face; your happiness is the easiest thing she can say will be her lifelong priority.

“How could you think that?” The words come out, “my voice isn’t that distinct.”

“It is to me.” 

Her voice is soft, gentle, honest, and barely above a whisper. Her eyes find yours, lips pursed in nervousness at her words. She knows that there was a hidden message in her statement, and she’s not sure if she wants you to know that or not. 

You stay quiet for a few seconds, afraid that Wanda might take back what she just said. Instead, you turn to see a pair of green eyes with dilated pupils. You’d be lying if you said this was your first time noticing. 

The first time you noticed the change was when Wanda drove you two back home from a family gathering. It was when you’d served her a plate to eat that she noticed you plated her a piece of everything to try.

Wanda spent a big chunk of that evening conversing with your family members, hearing your childhood stories, sharing funny moments, and even getting your mom to share childhood photos with her. 

Seeing you in such a raw and natural environment only amplified the already growing love and admiration she was beginning to feel for you. What sent her over the edge was how she saw you interact with your younger relatives, the patience and love you carried. 

She exhaled an unsteady breath, it coming out slightly shaky as she takes you in. The cozy outfit you have on while being at home in Wanda’s apartment, her heart can’t contain the warmth that you bring her. 

It’s now or never, she thinks. Her throat clears, and she sits up straighter, causing you to remove your legs from her lap. Her sudden serious demeanor sends a small chill down your spine, unsure of what to make of her sudden shift in mood.

“Wanda, what’s wrong?” voice laced with concern, you place a hand on hers. Her head shifts from side to side, as if contemplating her next steps. Over the past few months, you’d notice Wanda spacing out in deep thought, and this is possibly the worst moment of them all.

“If I’m honest with you, I’m unsure if what I’m about to say will change our friendship, but I think I need to be honest with you.”

It’s embarrassing, she confesses to herself, to be a grown woman and afraid to confess her feelings. it feels childish, like something she shouldn’t be having to do after twenty-eight years. Her chest rises and falls with every terrifyingly overwhelming thought, and you can’t help but squeeze her hand in attempts to comfort her. 

“Nothing you could ever say or do would ruin us,” your words weigh in the air, “don’t hide.”

Wanda takes you in, a sudden peace in her chest as she accepts the fact that her feelings will be in the open after tonight. She spent so many restless nights imagining how she’d confess to you, but tonight was not planned, and she can only hope you two will still be in each other's lives tomorrow. 

clearing her throat once more, she wills herself to look you in the eyes, “I’m in love with you, and I have been for the past year or so.”

Wanda outwardly cringes at her childish admission, or more so, the lack of emotion she put behind it. Every practiced confession in the mirror, every time her heart was poured into the spill, the sickly sweet words that have tumbled out of her mouth with ease when you are not said in the moment.

“I’m sorry, I know this might change our friendship after tonight, but there’s no way I can go another month without being completely honest with you.”

Wanda watches her hand as it fiddles with the ring on her right hand. Her eyes are anywhere but your own, foot shaking in anxiousness. 

An otherwise perfectly comfortable atmosphere, carefully curated in her home, has suddenly shifted in an entirely different direction. The eucalyptus candle she lit for stress relief brings a nauseating headache instead, eyes shutting harshly as if it will stop it. 

Wanda is so busy with her inner turmoil that she can’t bring herself to see the smile you’re fighting. The redhead sighs loudly, throwing her head back against the couch cushion. 

“When did you know?” You reach out to brush hair away from her face, your fingers lingering across her cheekbone.

Wanda does not think much of the contact, having been used to the way you treat her with such care and gentleness, “when you took me with you to your family’s get together.”

You pay close attention to the way Wanda swallows hard just before clearing her throat, “I think it was small things, but when I saw how you interacted with your family, that’s what made me realize.”

Her heart is beating so fast that she swears it could jump out of her body. With her stomach flipped inside out, she’s almost sure that she would fall to the ground if she were standing. 

The redhead is afraid she might’ve spoken too soon, her throat beginning to close from the tears that are forced to be kept in, “You don’t have to say anything, I just needed this off my chest for my peace of mind.”

Wanda looks over at you after a few beats, only to be met with a cheesy smile and a laugh being forced to be kept in. With a confused expression, Wanda can’t help but hum out of nervous habit.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she says, her voice laced with confusion. “It’s really weird.”

She hears a slight laugh before you speak, the sound causing her heart to stop for a second. Had she read the room completely wrong? 

The laugh doesn’t register as something warm, rather something cold and distant, almost as if you’re mocking her. She feels herself fall dizzy with the way her stomach drops. 

“You don’t have to say anything, I promise, I just,” she swallows harshly, “I just wanted to get it out, we can pretend I didn’t say anything.”

Green eyes won’t meet yours now. They fixate on the candle that’s lit on the coffee table, as if staring at it for long enough will reverse time back to when the night was easier. 

You wrap your fingers around her wrist before she has the opportunity to retreat fully, “Wanda.”

She still doesn’t look at you.

“I wasn’t laughing at you.”

Your easy tone causes her to look up at you. She’s cautious, fragile even.

“Why would I let someone random meet my entire family?” Your hands grasp her face, making sure she won’t look away from you, “Why do you think my cousins kept making fun of me that whole night, Wanda?” 

Confusion flickers across Wanda’s face, brows furrowed as if she is replaying that night in her head. Soft hands holding either side of her face don’t do much to help her uneasiness.

“They thought we were already together,” a whisper falls from your lips, “I’ve been in love with you too.”

Wanda swears her heart could stop right then and there. Her eyes don’t leave yours, and you’re sure she’s trying to memorize how you look in this moment, afraid the moment will slip too soon.

“I thought I just ruined everything,” the words come out in one breath, relief flooding her every sense. 

You drop your forehead against hers softly, a laugh sounding from both of you, “You could never.”

Her hands rest on your shoulders, eyes closing as if to relish the moment in its entirety, holding onto you as if you could disappear at any given moment. 

“Can I?” she says softly, slowly inching closer.