#wandersoften

I snorted the line of blow off the base of her spine, kicking my head back, pushing my fingers against my nose. Her fingers caressed me from my ankle to my knee and I shivered as the rush of the drugs and her touch hit. I wasn’t supposed to be doing either one of the things I was currently doing. I knew that it was all too dangerous but I was so tired of not feeling anything. I climbed over her, straddling her ass cheeks and leaned down to run my tongue over her shoulder. Her hand came up, fingers tunneling in my hair, holding me against her. My teeth bit and I sucked her skin into my mouth. Her moan, low and long pulled my lips into a grin. I missed this. Missed the feeling of a partner coming undone for me.

“Put your hand between my legs, cum on your fingers.”

I felt her hips lift beneath me as she slipped her hand between her body and the floor. I shifted backward, kissing my way down her back, teeth biting, tongue licking. I bit her ass and kissed the back of her thigh as my hands hooked over her hips, lifting them. I leaned back to watch her fingertips rubbing her clit. Her hips rocked in my hands as she chased her orgasm. I slid my fingers between her legs and traced her, spreading the slickness along her outer edges.

She trembled and I curled my fingers, pressing my knuckles against her. She worked herself, using her fingers and my knuckles. She gave me the prettiest moan and I allowed myself to be yanked into the pleasure of the now and forget thoughts of what could have been.

The late morning sun tried to stab through my dark lenses as I rested my chin on my knee. I hadn’t been to sleep yet and I was entirely too restless to think about attempting it. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw you. I tracked you behind my sunglasses and I watched your head tip back when you laughed. Out of the miles of beach, you came walking down mine, your laughter grabbing my attention, sinking deep. Your dark hair brushed your bare shoulders, your lips stretched wide with your smile. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers over your smile. I wanted to know what your lips felt like and just as badly I wanted to know what your happiness sounded like when it broke apart. I curled my fingers into my palms as I watched you with your friends. I knew you well enough to know the things I’d ask you to do would push every limit you had. Curiosity was dangerous and when you tilted your head toward me, your eyes seeking mine behind my glasses, I could see it bleeding from your gaze. I felt it slipping beneath my skin, tugging at a part of me that I thought had died a long time ago. Curiosity. It lifted the edges of my mouth, giving you a smile that was genuine and your mouth tilted, mimicking mine. And fuck me if I didn’t find my self wondering, “what the fuck..what if..?”

I brought the joint to my lips, inhaling and twisted the question around in my head. I knew what you were asking. I just didn’t know if I wanted to unlock that door and if I gave you an answer, it was inviting you inside. I exhaled and watched as the smoke spread its wings wide before being carried off in the evening breeze. Sitting alone, staring out into the darkening sky, I felt the anxiety surge, felt it wrapping its hands around my neck to squeeze. I coughed and rubbed my chest with my fingertips.

“Is it always like that?”

You could have been asking about so much with those words. You could have meant the spark of heat from the kiss, the flare of need that spread with a lick of our tongues. Maybe I could believe that you meant the way that I touched you, the way that I swallowed all of the sounds that I pulled from your throat. Or perhaps you were referring to the sounds you coaxed from me when you went to your knees between my legs. I could believe you meant the quiet that settled over us after we had marked each other’s skin in our quest for pleasure. Did you mean the peace that embraced us in the darkness of the room as we lay between soft emerald sheets.

I let the butt of the finished joint fall into a jar and shoved the window closed. I sank down, dropping my head back against the mattress of my bed.

“Is it always like that?”

No, you weren’t referring to my fingers and my tongue waking you. And it wasn’t the way you used your hands to make me shake. It wasn’t the soft laughter we shared in the kitchen while you fed me. I wanted so desperately for it to be about the ecstasy . My fingers tangled in my hair tugging as my head tipped forward. I picked up my phone and pulled up our messages. You had been quiet and I knew you were giving me time. You did that. Always so careful, approaching gently, cautiously. Giving me space to grow accustomed to having you close. You crept closer and closer without me fully realizing just how far you had come. And now you had moved away to let me breathe and decide how much closer I could tolerate.

“Is it always like that?”

You were asking about the panic after the dream. The fucking nightmare of a past that I couldn’t erase had come calling. And you, god, had witnessed the panic as I fought my way out of it. Panic that consumed me from the inside and the fucking tears that I hid with anger. That is what you meant when you asked. I had gotten up, yanked on my clothes and left you with a soft kiss to your forehead. And now, you had retreated after climbing my walls to let me decide. Would I give you access to the last room? I didn’t want you in that one, didn’t want you to see the mess. I didn’t want to show you just how filthy parts of me were.

“Is it always like that?”

I tapped my thumb against my phone screen and ignored the way my hand trembled as I unlocked myself for you. Fuck.

“Yes. Yes, it is.”-Wandersoften

“Green?”

I slid my hand into her hair, fingers clenching around the softness. I brushed my mouth over hers, my tongue dipping past her lips. I held her while I kissed her until her breath caught and stumbled.

“Yes, green.” I said against her lips.

I stepped back and she gently set the stone beside her jar of memories. Her clothes came off and I crawled between her thighs. My hands caught her hips and I used my mouth to fuck her. I used my teeth on her thighs to pull beautiful sounds from her throat. I rolled her onto her stomach, pulled her hand down and watched as her fingers worked her clit, her hips pressing into her hand. My palm across her ass turned her cheeks red and caused her cries to rise in pitch. The fingers of my left hand joined hers, stroking. I lost count of the times she breathed my name like a prayer and spasmed against my hand.

The word “green” fell from her lips as her body collapsed onto the bed and her cum dripped down my fingers. I pressed kisses against the marks across her ass, up her back, my tongue licked the bite mark on her shoulder.

I pulled her against my chest while my hands danced over her skin. I wasn’t going to touch her but once I did, I knew I was going to keep touching her until she told me to stop. Naive? Oh no, she was not and she allowed me to paint what was left of her innocence with my sin. When I was sure she was asleep, I opened her jar and dropped the oblong hunk of jade inside. It settled on top of the others I had given her. A rainbow of pebbles, one for every time I fucked my name from her lips and left another piece of myself with her…Wandersoften

You stepped out of the sliding door, coming to stand beside me, your shoulder bumping mine.

“What are you looking at?” Your voice was quiet next to my ear.

I lifted my chin in the direction of our neighbor’s house.

“Her.”

Your hands circled the deck rail and you leaned forward, braced against the railing, your eyes tracking down. She lifted the joint to her lips, took a drag, held it for a beat before slowly exhaling. Her lips clamped the joint and her hand fell, her fingers gently tracing the tattoo on her exposed shoulder. The warm summer breeze tugged at her messy bun pulling strands of caramel colored hair loose. I caught the pungent scent of the weed mixing with the  salty sea air. I wondered if you saw the same things I was seeing. Did you see the way she curled into herself and the far away expression she wore? Did you see the sadness that wrapped around her, see the way it pressed her shoulders down with its weight?

She plucked the weed from her mouth and leaned down to drop it in pot beside her sun lounger. She leaned back, draped one arm over her head and the other across her stomach. I slid my hands over the rail next to yours and we stood, pressed shoulder to shoulder, watching her. Her long fingers caught pieces of her hair and rubbed it between her fingers. I wondered if it was soft, wondered what it would feel like between my fingers. I wondered if she would let me hold her for your kisses. 

“You’ve been paying attention. Tell me what you learned.”

“ No partner or at least not one close. A couple friends have come over a few times. I don’t think she drinks. The friends did but she didn’t. Smokes, clearly. Her tattoos say feminine rage so probably some trauma there. Reads a lot. Swims laps or runs every day.”

You slowly pulled your eyes from her and I turned to meet them. 

“You’re interested.”

I didn’t hide it, didn’t know if I could if I tried. It had been so long since I had been interested in anyone outside of you. And lately interest in much of anything else had been lacking. The abyss of apathy had swallowed me, yanking me into the dark and I hated the emptiness that always remained when I emerged from depression. I wanted to know more about her, wanted to know what made her smile, what made her sigh, what made her wet. I wanted to get close enough to fill my nose with her scent. 

I tugged my lower lip with my teeth, biting it. You reached out, your finger gently pulling my lip from between my teeth before giving your attention back to her. She stood, bounced a little on her toes, her calves flexing. She had her back to us and I didn’t see what she did with her hands at first. She gave a wiggle and her fingers pushed her shorts down her legs. She stepped out of them and pulled her tank over her head. My breath caught in my lungs and my hands squeezed the railing. I knew our eyes were sliding over her bare back, stroking her tattoos, appreciating the cut of her lacy underwear, the way the muscles in her legs contracted with her movements. Your pinky rubbed against mine, telling me without words you were paying attention. Her head turned and she looked up over shoulder. I heard your sharp intake of breath when her eyes pinned us, her lips curling up in the corner. Her hand lifted, tugging the tie out of her hair and as she turned away, it fell in wild waves around her shoulders. Her feet carried her to the edge of the pool and her body bent, her feet flexing, bouncing as she dove into the pool. We both leaned against the railing, watching her as she cut through the water, pushing her body into lap after lap. I wanted to know what she was swimming to escape. The smoke, the exercise. She was trying to get away from something, and I wanted to help her, wanted you to help her. Wanted her to use our bodies to chase away whatever was driving her. She finally slowed, her fingers gripping the lip of the pool. She pulled herself up, the muscles in her back working under her skin as she lifted out of the pool. Water dripped down her back, over her tattoos, down her legs to puddle at her feet. 

Your hand slid over mine, our fingers tangling, squeezing. It was you silently telling me you saw her the same way that I did. 

She left her clothes where she dropped them, turning right to walk down the stone path to her door. She didn’t cover herself, didn’t seem embarrassed as she pulled open her door. Her eyes came up again, amusement written in her expression. Her right eye snapped a wink and then she was gone, the door closing quietly behind her. 

Your hand let go of mine to bury itself in my hair and I turned into you, leaning forward. My lips stroked over yours, and you opened, letting my tongue lick over yours. My hands pushed the edge of your tshirt up so I could run them over the skin above your waistband. Your lips kissed my chin, my neck and then you were dropping to your knees in front of me. You used your mouth and hands focus me and I used mine to make you cum. In bed with you tucked against the back of my body, I wondered what it would be like to have her against my front. I thought how different she would feel, the opposite but still just as good. I wanted to get rid of the sadness around her but I of all people understood that sometimes that wasn’t possible. We might not be able to erase it but we could give her something else, something to hold onto when it got heavy. Your fingers drifting over my skin, soothed my thoughts and the heat from your body grounded me. 

“You want her between us.”

My lips tipped up softly. “So do you.”

“ Mhm.” Your arm curled over my stomach. “You’ll find out if it’s a possibility?” Soft words spoken against my neck.

“I will.” 

“You miss me.”

I heard your voice next to my ear and I didn’t answer. It wasn’t a real question anyway. It was a statement and a factual one at that so I left the words hanging there while I smoked.

“Why can’t you tell me? Why can’t you ever say the words?”

I winced, feeling the slice of the question beneath my skin. I pressed the end of the joint between my fingers, clenching my teeth against the heat and dropped the butt in the trash. I paused in the bathroom to take a swig of mouthwash and as I leaned forward to spit, I felt your fingers along the back of my neck. I didn’t look in the mirror, half afraid to see you there, looking back at me with those eyes. Those fucking eyes that could strip me down to a bare ass soul and rifle through every ache and insecurity.

Dropping back into bed, I slipped one arm under the pillow and the other over my head. My fingertips tugged at my hair as I floated in the darkness. Laying there, I could feel you probing the locks on my heart. I had changed them, hoping to keep you from my rawest part.

“Do you think that this will keep me out?”

With a groan, I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.

I curled my fingers against the need to press them into your skin, to anchor myself in you. The longing to feel your lips against mine, to taste your sighs, to swallow your moans almost choked me.

My hand shot out, wrapping around my phone. I squeezed it in my fist before swiping my thumb over the screen.

-can you get the fuck out of my head

The bubbles bounced and your words came back quickly.

-if I am there it’s because you allow me to be

I rolled over and was about to silence my phone when I saw your next text.

-you aren’t sleeping again

-no

-…..here I come

I used my fingers to push my phone onto the bedside table. Waiting for the minutes to drag themselves by was almost violent to my frayed nerves. When I heard the click of the front door, my chest released in relief. The bed dipped and your weight settled against me. Your lips pressed against my shoulder, before your teeth bit and your arms pulled me closer.

“Why do you do this? Why do you wait until you get like this?”

My fingers came up to catch you behind the neck and I dropped my lips to press them against yours. They parted and you let me lick my way inside. My eyes closed tightly to avoid looking into yours. God, your eyes, had seen so many of my truths, I didn’t need them seeing the lies too…Wandersoften