A walk inside my mind

I reached out, grabbed my toes, pulling them back, stretching my legs. Sweat dripped down the side of my nose, trickled in rivulets that soaked the back of my shirt. My muscles throbbed from the intensity of the workout and I let myself feel the discomfort with something like relief. Relief that I could still fucking feel something. I was tired. Tired in a way that had nothing to do with the physicality of punishment I had put my body through. I rolled to the side, climbing to my feet, fingers snatching my water bottle, squirting water into my mouth. My feet knew the routine and carried me to the bathroom. I stripped and turned on the water, waiting for the steam to rise before stepping under the spray. My brain and body worked in tandem to get through the shower, performing the motions without much awareness of anything else. I dressed without caring about what I wore, combed through hair that had grown too long and brushed my teeth while avoiding my own eyes in the mirror.

I slid sunglasses on to keep the too bright sun dimmed and sighed into the silence of my truck. I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to be around people, didn’t want to pretend interest in conversations that meant nothing.

“You need to interact with friends, need to be around more than just yourself.”

My therapist had given me homework as she said it. Go to a function. Spend time with others, let myself just breathe and listen to stories that weren’t my own. I made myself start the truck and drive to the cheerful house that had people spilling out onto the lawn.

I plastered on my smile as I made my way through “hello’s” and “it’s to good to see you’s”. I asked about kids, about school, about jobs and I nodded at answers I didn’t hear. I ate food that was tasteless and eventually was able to disappear along the edges of the sculpted bushes. I drifted down toward the lake, sinking down into the sand. I pushed my glasses up and watched the sun sinking down to kiss the water’s surface. Once, I would have found the magic in the moment. I would have felt the words coming to life and would have let them spin into something beautiful. Now, my eyes just catalogued the facts of it. I never realized just how much nothing could weigh. It crushed the emptiness that surrounded my lungs and had my teeth grinding against it.

“You’re here.”

I squeezed my eyes closed as my heart gave a kick. I didn’t know you would be here and the soft sound of your voice was like a thunderclap that startled my soul awake. I swallowed around the emotions that my treacherous heart was pumping through me. I didn’t turn to look at you.

“I wasn’t sure I would come.”

“I’m glad you did. It’s been so long.”

My knees came up, my arms wrapping around them, fingers tightening around my own wrists.

I heard you move, saw you settle onto the sand beside me and you pulled your legs up, mirroring my pose.

“How are you?”

Ha! Fuck you and that question. How was I? I was dying, slowly, more and more of me fading away everyday. As much as I begged them not to, my eyes slid sideways and the frantic, violent kicking of my heart stilled, causing pain to shoot through my chest. God. Just like that, after months upon months of nothing, the world exploded into color. Viciously bright riots that I couldn’t have prepared myself for. You. Your dark eyes crinkled in the corners, your lips tugging up slightly. I don’t know what you saw, don’t know what was suddenly leaking out of my own eyes but I watched your lips lose their smile. Your eyes stared into mine and your brows pulled together in a frown.

“Are you ok?”

I thought about the times I had been asked that. I thought about the times I had lied and said yes. But you? You demanded the truth with your god damn eyes and I allowed my mouth to answer you. Blunt and direct.

“No. Not even a little bit.”