#wanderbloop

Must do’s today

-etsy. Get the gifts. You know the ones. Stop forgetting.

-call sprint. Get your money back. Deactivate that number if you can.

-walmart. Windshield washer fluid. There was something else too try to remember before you go.

-laundry. Fold it.

I’ve been dogshit at texting people, so those of you who have unfortunately been left on read, sorry, I’ll try and respond soon.

Of just wanting to leave. To go. Leave everything and everyone behind.

Is it pre-emptive fear of abandonment? If I abandon first, I can’t Be abandoned?

Is it a desire to travel? I don’t like where I’m living, and my job is…. Fine. Is that it?

Is it wanting to escape? Start somewhere new, where no one knows me? I could just recreate myself. Be someone entirely new.

I feel like it’s a mixture of all… a constant, nagging fear I’m not good enough bubbling until it overflows. So I want to leave. I can’t be hurt if I leave before I can Be Hurt. I don’t have to prepare for the worst if I leave before the worst can even happen. I can go somewhere new, with new people who don’t know me, don’t expect of me.

And the job…. The job is a struggle. This isn’t what I want to be doing. It’s a fine job. Lab technician. It’s fine. Im getting moved to geotech soon (hopefully). But I dont want something that forces me stationary.

I’m jealous of my friends who can create art. I long to have that life style. If I could just, create. Make beautiful things. Travel. Support myself like that. It’d be a dream. It’d be… so good. I really am envious.

But I’m not artistically talented enough. My art doesn’t get compliments, it doesnt get attention. It’s just… basic. I couldn’t make a living from it. And so I’m left with what I went to school for which…. I still dont know if I chose right. Ive never known. I dont know what I want to do. I’m passionate about the environment and yet I dont know what I can do with that.

I really want to be. More. More tough. More angular. Harder. Stronger.

I have never had any desire to be small, soft, squishy. Ive never wanted to be any of those ‘feminine’ things so many women apparently want to be. I wish i knew how to be better.

And i get there are women who are not these things. I get that gender fuckery that contribues. Its bad. It makes me question every damn day if im just pissed off at my expectations or if im actually pissed off at being female. (Its im pissed im female because im not a woman. Spoiler.)

I just want to be. More.

I dont want people to associate me with cats. I want to be a wolf. I used to be. Something changed. Friends back home always told me i was wolfy. A leader. Strong willed. Tough.

Im not anymore. Something changed.

It needs to be fixed.

Im tired of being walked all over. Im tired of not being taken seriously. Im tired of being treated differently. My worst dysphoria is social. It always has been. Ever since i was a kid. I have despised beig treated as anything different than the boys. Treat me as a guy. Please. Please.

Body is. Getting worse the older i am. I loathe my hips. I want to always bind. I hate im not binding today but i over did it. It hurt to breathe deeply at the end of the day yesterday. It was too much. And now i pay for that choice. Get called ‘ma’am’ all day long. Hooray.

I just want to be different.

I want to command respect. I want to be strong. I want to actually look tough. I want to be tough.