#two months

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FIRST

day sixty (TWO MONTHS!!!!!) of xiulan's trivia ໒꒱ིྀ༝⁺

- When Xiulan wakes up in the morning, the first thing she does is brush her ears and tails. If Dan Heng’s with her and he’s not awake yet, she also wakes him up.

- The desire to Trailblaze is what keeps her motivated.

- Her name, Xiulan, means “beautiful orchid” in Chinese. Her real name, Anzora, means “dark sky” in Japanese.

- When she’s stressed, she often talks to Dan Heng or one of the other Astral Express members about it.

anyway, i'm so glad john's coming back because i feel like i'm going round the bend with the way everyone's just. fine with it. and angry at robert about it. forget all that other husband, gorge malarky, aaron's sad because he wants robert, sort of, probably, even if no one except mack and vic are over the moon about it.

two months, guys.

I think I’m addicted to hoping—

to the way silence

used to mean

not yet,

not an ending,

just a pause in time.

But maybe my mind knows

exactly what it’s afraid of.

I keep getting caught in loops,

numbing it out,

waiting for time to catch up

to whatever I’m still reaching for—

telling myself

this is just a moment,

not something permanent.

It wasn’t the silence before

that broke me.

It was the two months after—

the kind that doesn’t explain itself.

And now I don’t know

how to exist in a world

where your voice

isn’t in it.

And when the loss hurts,

I’m afraid of the day it won’t—

because that will mean

it’s finally gone.

So I sit in the waves,

letting them take me under,

hoping

there’s still a version of me

on the other side of this—

even if right now

I feel stuck

in a place