#wakingupalone

Rolling over as I start to wake, images from the events of last night flooding my mind.  A smile spreads across my face, a warm unfamiliar feeling in my chest.  My arm reaches out to pull him closer to me, only to find nothing. My eyes open searching the room, but there's nothing. No sign he was still here. Did I dream last night? Have I truly lost my mind? No, I haven't. I roll over, smelling his  scent on the pillow next to me and on me.  

Panic starts to flood my body, what have I done?  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He ran while I slept. He must hate me at this point. Pain fills my body at that thought.  Sitting up, knowing it is day still and I'm stuck. I can't go after him.  “Fuck!” I grab my phone hoping there will be a message for him. Maybe I'm just over thinking this whole situation. But, there is nothing. Do I text him? No.  A text won't do. I will have to wait until the sun sets to find him.  Maybe he went back to see Marissa.  Of course, he would go to her - jealousy fills me.  I don’t want to share him.  Fuck, share him?  

Falling back on the bed staring at the ceiling, my mind trying to think like his would.  Knowing full well that everything happened last night is against the way he was raised. A Catholic boy. Groans. A straight Catholic boy at that. He will never accept me. He did this out of pity for me. Talking outloud to myself. “Vishous, you are a fool to ever think that last night was more than a pity fuck. He said he would do anything to make you feel better. Fuck if he didn't do exactly what he said he would.” The ache in my chest increases at the thought that it meant nothing to him when it meant so much to me. To me, it was a beginning. “Fuck!!”