#wakeupyourwhy

Mindfulness focus on the present. No past. No future. No judging.

Mindfulness focus attention on your thoughts. Just thoughts. Observe thoughts. Understand you are separate from thoughts. Understand your are not your thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. Accept your thoughts. Without judging. No right. No wrong. They are what they are.

Mindfulness is a skill that requires listening. Listening to your thoughts. Without judging. No right. No wrong. Listening to which thoughts are the best interest in you. Your choice matters. You are the observer. Thoughts are to be observed.

In a conversation when someone’s speaking. He or she is the “object of mindfulness.” Pay full attention to what he or she saying. Without judging. When your mind wanders away. Bring yourself back to the words of the person speaking. Repeat the practice.

Practice mindfulness. Practice meditation. Practice to pay full attention to your “object of mindfulness”. Breath. When your mind wanders away. Bring yourself back to the breath. Repeat the practice.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -J. K. Rowling

It is our choices that matter. You and your thoughts are separate.

Before I was awaken, I kept feeling bad about myself. My mind. My brain. My thoughts. Selfishness. No friendship. No empathy. Shy. Lie. Proud. No caring. I kept trying to change. But failed. Change again. Failed. My thoughts kept coming to me. I did not understand. I already tried my best to change. And failed. Asking God why. No answer. That was the time I kept going church and bible study. They kept motivating me to change my weakness. I asked God to change. But I failed.

Then something happened when I started working. The company. The boss. I did not know how and why. They also motivated me to change. Something wrong. Something was disturbing my mind. A belief that contradicted my belief throughout my 5 years in church. I did not want to believe. But my head was full of questions. Did I really have to change? Did I judge my thoughts bad? Did it hurt someone? Why did I judge it bad? Change means judge, didnt it? Then what was the difference between church and working life? Where was God? Where was my faith that I believed since I was 17 years old? What was the things that I learnt from church? Why I felt dumb? I felt numb? Why I felt manipulated? Why I felt my hard work was useless? What was I doing during my time in church? Why the boss that was non-christian motivated me too? The same way as church did. I learnt nothing.

Curiosity overwhelmed me. I googled everything the questions inside my head. My mind. My brain. My thoughts. There was something incredible that I could not explain. I was aware that something wrong about church. I did not want to believe it. But my curiosity would not stop me from googling. I could not sleep thinking about it. Did church manipulate me? My belief? I was curious.

I started to read books called “Boundaries by Henry Cloud”, and “Relationship”. The books about how to take control of life and how to feel connected with each other. I was crying and awaken. I know what happened on the universe once I understood my feeling. My strengths. My weakness. My value of living life. I understood when I read another book called “Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis.“ A book about right and wrong on the universe. The truth. The internal parent inside my head changed. The book awakes me from feeling guilty. I understood I was being manipulated by church, boss, leader, friends, and even family. The trauma started from my own sister. She was not aware that she manipulated me. Until today. But now I am aware. I own my internal standard. Not hers. Before I was awaken and did not know who I was, they used my guilty feeling to fulfill their purpose. I was not aware about my own thoughts. I think I was my thoughts. I think I had to do what my thoughts tell me. I had created a misperception that my thoughts were who I am. And that was why I was easily manipulated.

My curiosity did not end there. Why did I feel the wholeness of living life now? While focusing on the present? Without judging it? Fulfilled with happiness? Why did I aware of every emotion now? And others emotion? Why did I let my thoughts to control me in the past? Why did I have to do what my thoughts tell me in the past? Why did church manipulate people? Why couldn’t we change our weakness? And I found out that everything has a reason. Every emotion has a reason. Every thoughts has a reason. Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process. The wholeness. The completeness. The balance.

“Thoughts are just thoughts. You become the observer. The thoughts are the observed.” Once I reach this level of awareness, I am capable of separating my thoughts from who I am. Then accept them for what they are, including my selfishness, my lust pleasure, my proud, my lie. They are just what they are. No judging. To be mindful. Accepting awakes me from feeling guilty. What matter to me is my choice. I choose to act on thoughts that is in my best interest. My strengths. My value of living life. Choices show what we truly are. Our authentic self.

Tyrion Lannister. Hand of the Queen. My favourite.

Tyrion is one of the Game of Thrones character that I like most. He has the wit and intelligence. His curiosity starts with why. Stories always start with why. “Why didnt he get out of crushing beetles?“, “Why did he do it?” Great lines. Wisest advices.

Tyrion quote: “Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.” -Once I accepted my weakness, I become aware of who I am. My own identity. My identity lead to my strengths. No one can manipulate my weakness. Because I keep it safe inside my heart.

Tyrion quote: “I try to know as many people as I can. You never know which one you’ll need.” -One of my weakness is never keep in touch with my friends. Feel guilty. Why I kept doing it? Why not I try to keep in touch with them? Why I feel guilty? Does it wrong? Does it hurt? The internal parent inside my head led me to change it, not to accept it. Easy. Simple. Friendship is precious. Friendship is treasure. I would never have true frendship if I never keep in touch with them. That’s my thoughts. Some internal standard that I have been taught. So I kept changing it, but I fail. Unfulfilled.

“Christians are often lumped together into a collective body, yet have little to no “public” intellectual power, in politics, science, and culture. Why?”

Sunday. Next sunday. And another sunday. Sunday always remind me to go to church. Why am I going church? Feel guilty? Feel energized? Feel holy? To redeem my sin? To remember Jesus?

Without knowing who we are at the first place, church is useless. Do I understand the real me? Do I know my own identity? Some people don’t understand their own identity and go church to find out. Unconsciously.

I thought church was everything. Always positive. I gave offerings. I gave tithes. I gave building funds. I joined christian community. Bible study. I deny nothing. But I doubt everything. I doubt my own faith. Positive mind had killed me. At the end I was manipulated once I knew who I was. Once I knew the real me. Once I knew my own identity. Once I was conscious. Once I was awaken.

Since my childhood, I often been hurt by a sentence “(my name)…(my name)..." Silent judgement. It is an insult on my ears. Is there a problem about me? Why she/he keep saying the same thing over and over?

It robbed my self-confidence. I let them control my life. To try to change something that cant be changed. My weakness. So that they wont say that again. I kept my positive thoughts to rule over my life. To be better. And better. Until the day I was been manipulated by a psychopath.

I had been wrong throughout my life by thinking positively. By focusing on my weakness. Without knowing my emotion. Without understanding my emotion. Without being honest with my emotion. Reality hurts. I thought life could have been better without emotion.

Pokemon on Reality!

Pokemon Go. It tells the world to find pokemon while you are on the go.

This forces us to go outside the world. To go to unknown place that we never go before. To go meet strangers that play pokemon too. That’s the good part.

However, it addicts people who become obsess on playing it. They try to catch pokemon as many as possible to outrank others. Without knowing their emotion, they play it blindly. Ignoring what is happening inside the real of them.