“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -J. K. Rowling
It is our choices that matter. You and your thoughts are separate.
Before I was awaken, I kept feeling bad about myself. My mind. My brain. My thoughts. Selfishness. No friendship. No empathy. Shy. Lie. Proud. No caring. I kept trying to change. But failed. Change again. Failed. My thoughts kept coming to me. I did not understand. I already tried my best to change. And failed. Asking God why. No answer. That was the time I kept going church and bible study. They kept motivating me to change my weakness. I asked God to change. But I failed.
Then something happened when I started working. The company. The boss. I did not know how and why. They also motivated me to change. Something wrong. Something was disturbing my mind. A belief that contradicted my belief throughout my 5 years in church. I did not want to believe. But my head was full of questions. Did I really have to change? Did I judge my thoughts bad? Did it hurt someone? Why did I judge it bad? Change means judge, didnt it? Then what was the difference between church and working life? Where was God? Where was my faith that I believed since I was 17 years old? What was the things that I learnt from church? Why I felt dumb? I felt numb? Why I felt manipulated? Why I felt my hard work was useless? What was I doing during my time in church? Why the boss that was non-christian motivated me too? The same way as church did. I learnt nothing.
Curiosity overwhelmed me. I googled everything the questions inside my head. My mind. My brain. My thoughts. There was something incredible that I could not explain. I was aware that something wrong about church. I did not want to believe it. But my curiosity would not stop me from googling. I could not sleep thinking about it. Did church manipulate me? My belief? I was curious.
I started to read books called “Boundaries by Henry Cloud”, and “Relationship”. The books about how to take control of life and how to feel connected with each other. I was crying and awaken. I know what happened on the universe once I understood my feeling. My strengths. My weakness. My value of living life. I understood when I read another book called “Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis.“ A book about right and wrong on the universe. The truth. The internal parent inside my head changed. The book awakes me from feeling guilty. I understood I was being manipulated by church, boss, leader, friends, and even family. The trauma started from my own sister. She was not aware that she manipulated me. Until today. But now I am aware. I own my internal standard. Not hers. Before I was awaken and did not know who I was, they used my guilty feeling to fulfill their purpose. I was not aware about my own thoughts. I think I was my thoughts. I think I had to do what my thoughts tell me. I had created a misperception that my thoughts were who I am. And that was why I was easily manipulated.
My curiosity did not end there. Why did I feel the wholeness of living life now? While focusing on the present? Without judging it? Fulfilled with happiness? Why did I aware of every emotion now? And others emotion? Why did I let my thoughts to control me in the past? Why did I have to do what my thoughts tell me in the past? Why did church manipulate people? Why couldn’t we change our weakness? And I found out that everything has a reason. Every emotion has a reason. Every thoughts has a reason. Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process. The wholeness. The completeness. The balance.
“Thoughts are just thoughts. You become the observer. The thoughts are the observed.” Once I reach this level of awareness, I am capable of separating my thoughts from who I am. Then accept them for what they are, including my selfishness, my lust pleasure, my proud, my lie. They are just what they are. No judging. To be mindful. Accepting awakes me from feeling guilty. What matter to me is my choice. I choose to act on thoughts that is in my best interest. My strengths. My value of living life. Choices show what we truly are. Our authentic self.
“The caged bird sings, even within the cage, because it can. The caged bird has a choice, and he can choose to sing.” -Maya Angelou
