#waitdad

Wait . . . Dad? MmmHmm? What does Tooty Fruity smell like? There is no such thing. Why? Cause I picked the Tooty Fruity sticker. What does it smell like to you? It smells like sour. Like lemons, limes? No, like bad fruit. Like evil kiwi? No, like bad fruit. Like drunk and disorderly casaba? No, like bad fruit. When have you had bad fruit? I don't know. Kay. Now when I was a kid, scratch and sniff stickers came in only one smell: "Scratch and Sniff" Smell. Could have a picture of chocolate cake or a bowl of fresh strawberries, but it always smelled the same after you scratched it.  A sweet stale smell like medicine with a candy coating. Yet it has become clear that scratch and sniff technology has grown so precise that they have to create an entire new vocabulary around the exotic smell catalogue. Tooty Fruity Oh, Rudy. So here we go, Random Five Scratch and Sniff Smells that I think could have a chance to make it in the internet age. 1. Clean Baby Nothin like clean baby smell. It is without a doubt the single most dominant reason why we don't eat our young. 2. Skittle Breath Not a mouth full of Skittles (cause that would be too overpowering), but when you are talking to someone who just enjoyed a mouth full of Skittles. It's softer, sweeter, and makes you instantly like the person. I would so stick that sticker on my wrist and take heavy sniffs during awkward moments of just about every conversation I've ever had. 3. Ripping the foil off a brand new pack of Marlboro Lights. Stale, sweet, agonizing death. 4. Grandma's Purse A heavy mixture of bottled perfume, lipstick, and double mint gum. 5. WD-40 You know when you smell WD-40 that something went and got itself fixed. Something that had been sitting around unfixed for like ever. When you smell WD-40 you know you're smelling someone who has just secured the right to take an afternoon nap. WD-40 is the smell of champion. Please, send me the smells you would like stick on your wrist and make other people smell. Maybe we can get something going with some Capital Investment groups. Have a good week end y'all.

Friday Five: Five things that get to live today because its such a wonderful day

The Learning Curve: How I conquered the third grade

Got to spend my Friday morning at the doctors office. Yay hoo! The reason is relatively moot, for I had an indescribably severe pain in the lower abdomen yesterday afternoon that could have been anything from appendicitis to exploded ovaries, but will most likely turn out to be a little stress coupled with mixing an IPA with a Boston Lager the night before. Remember Children: Stout before Ale, all is hale; Ale before Lager will crush you like Frogger. "Frogger" is a registered trademark. And a lot of crazy stuff happening at Camp WaitDad. A lot of crazy stuff. But its all gonna be just fine. I promise. Unless it turns out to be my ovaries. In which case I may have some explaining to do. Anyhoo, I got to spend the morning at the doctors office with my wife, which, unless you have seen the two of us in action already, is a lot more fun than it sounds. First, we both like to tell jokes to ease the tension. And we're both pretty funny and there was a lot of tension. It wasn't exactly Disneyland, but the key to our success is bringing home the gold in ridiculous situations, of which there have been many. And we have been through our fair share of emergency rooms and advice nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, podiatrists and aroma therapists. And all of them have wanted to get to the heart of the problem. And in order to do this, they have to ask a lot of questions. A **ck ton of questions. Although most of the questions are pretty basic, there are a surprising few, that are, well, surprising. And they tickled us to no end. We were so tickled that we decided to bring you a Top Five, Most Interesting, Inelegant, and nearly inappropriate questions along with some fun insinuations. I will list them in chronological order, only because that's how I remember them the best: 1. Are you afraid of anyone in your household? This was on the questionnaire. And I don't want to insinuate that domestic violence is anything shy of horrendous, or that this question has undoubtably saved lives, but what made us laugh was the disgraceful amount of alternative answers we really wanted to put. "Um, Maybe." "Yes, our children are terrifying." "Is the closet monster considered a member of the household?" "I think my goldfish knows things." "Shhhh, Netflix has eyes." We really are terrible people. 2. On a regular drinking day, how many alcoholic beverages do you consume.? Well, lets be honest, EVERYDAY is a REGULAR drinking day. Wine is freaking delicious, and it makes me smarter, funnier, and able to face closet monster without rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Do I have a problem? Most likely. Do I know how unhealthy it is? Most likely. Do I know that if I'm going to consume alcohol every day, that I should limit myself two two drinks or less? Fine, but how big are the glasses? 3. Are you taking Nortryptoline and how long has your urine been this color? So of course I had to pee in a cup at some point, and since I hadn't had any liquids or anything to eat and I'd already peed twice and I'd been sick for over twelve hours, my sample was a little darker than normal. And by darker, I mean the stuff was oompah loompah orange. I'd never seen my pee the color of an unfrozen otter pop before and I wasn't entirely prepared for how warm it was. That being said, I placed the warm jar of otter pop urine on the ledge like I was told to do and walked back to the doctor's room. After a few minutes quiet shuffling, the nurse burst into the room, almost breathless and asked me if I had taken any Nortryptoline (an antidepressant) and when I told her I hadn't, she asked just as breathlessly if my urine had always been this color, I told her it hadn't. She looked like she didn't believe me, and I swear to god, she squinted her eyes and backed out of the room slowly. 4. How many cups of coffee do you normally drink? Gee doc, whatever it takes to wake me up after a regular drinking day. and lastly . . . with my wife sitting right there, 5. Would you like me to check for any STD's? Well doc, I know she looks like a dirty whore, but that's okay because we actually don't have sex. or Well doc, I think you should, money's been tight and and I've recently had to settle for handjobs at train stations or What's an STD? or Absolutely not! But would you mind calling my cell later this afternoon on an unrelated issue? or Can closet monsters transmit that sort of thing? So there you have it. A five within a five. And I'll keep you updated on my ovaries.

Video: Only Hope Directed/edited by Joshua Macrae Filmed by Joann Macrae Song Produced by John Glover UpRock Studios, Roseville CA Available on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify

Tomatoes are red Peppers are green Zucchini is phalic Aww yeah penis joke. Its harvest time here on Wait . . . Dad? Farms, time to lace up those old hiking boots and start reaping what I've been sowing. Its also "Media Depravation Week" as part of my artist rehabilitation program. It's a twelve step program designed to rekindle the creative universe around me, a fitness plan for egomaniacs. This is week four, which is sort of like detox for distractaholics, which means for the next seven days I get to read nothing but street signs, urgent emails, and restaurant menus. No books, magazines, crossword puzzles, or fantasy football articles. No television, internet or video games. I can listen to music, but I have to actually listen to it. No background noise. We'll see how long it lasts. I can take a lot of naps. A lot of naps. But today is all about playing out doors. I took the monkey to the archery range, I went out and harvested arm load of vegetables and fruits, and I may go for a nice relaxing bike ride depending upon how long my nap lasts. Later, we'll head to the mom's for swimming and food and relaxing in the spa. The fruits and vegetables are looking (and tasting) good. I'm actually here at the table munching on cherry tomatoes. I may or may not be making salsa later this afternoon. Depending if I can find time between naps and bike rides. The album is officially out at the printers. 150 copies should land on my door by August 1st. It'll hit Amazon, and iTunes, and CD Baby, and a plethora of other stuff later in the month. I'll keep you posted. Har, dee, har, har. The website will launch, the YouTube videos will launch, and a collection of these essay's will launch as well. I'm putting together a band. We will be an "Indie Pop Power Trio" if anybody asks. Cause they'll always ask. And we will be pretty awesome, if anybody asks. I'll keep you posted. So its harvest time. Where Farmer Wait . . . Dad?, who has watched the garden of his soul grow and grow and grow, and wither and die and grow some more. He has planted in the wrong spots, watered at the wrong time and has been baffled by his own decisions (who eats figs?). But setting all that aside, lets just hope that this other garden is as tasty and bountiful as these cherry tomatoes. Or as hot as the jalepenos. Or as zesty as this italian arugula. Or as dirty as a bag of zucchini. Aww yeah, penis joke.