#vx2006

whatever

yeah ok i have no idea whats going on anymore.

these are just some snapshots of like last week i think, 27th and 29th.

anyway uh yeah i think im gonna take a break from social media for a bit. back when i was like majorly depressed (not that im not right now, or like, constantly, it just fluxuates) i used to still post even through all the shit i was dealing with and going through, because genuienly its something i love to do and it was one of the few things getting me through my days. now, i just dont know. i dont really have the energy or insentive to take any pics, and its not that i dont have anything to say either, but at that point why even post. i mean i literally have a journal for a reason, and i DO use it everyday, but maybe it needs to be JUST the journaling, and i should take a break from everything else. god ive never felt so terrible. i just need to realize its all in my mindset and i have to just get through it, cause i know if i really try i can keep myself afloat. but i have to actively keep myself from succumbing like, CONSTANTLY, cause if i even think about it a little bit too much i immediately break down again. and its like i want to get better and whatever, but its a switch i constantly have to hold up, and that gets tiring. so yeah i get why sometimes it feels easier to just be sad for the day rather than not, and thats becaues it IS easier. but obviously thats not what i want for myself (atleast not usually).

but yeah i probably wont be posting much on here for a minute, unless i happen to get alot of good pics that day, then i may post here or there, but for the most part im not rlly gonna be posting. i mean you could probably have noticed the majorly drastic decline in quality in my last couple posts, so maybe this isnt coming as a shock to anyone, but yk.

i swear this hat makes bad things happen

i actually felt good about how i look for once, fit lowkey went hard too, and i started listening to my main playlist again cause my depressions playlist has lowkey become my main playlist for a while.

but im tryna get better again so im forcing myself to make the switch, also not to mention empty hands by poppy came out and that album is tryna save me.

im reinventing the wheel here guys ok?

yea idk

think i just went back in time...

fuck

it lowkey was kinda cold out there

once again im a fucking failure of a person. i was having a horrible day and it just kept getting worse and worse. everyone is dissapointing me and im probably dissapointing them too. i literally ran out of class after only like 12 minutes and probably caused a whole scene. i hate it because i cant just not do anything and not cause problems, and i cant do anything either cause that also causes problems. like i cant hold it in or let it out cause either way its basically the same. i was actually going through my old journal entries and saw something i wrote from months ago along the lines of like, 'ive been sad, ive been angry, ive been content, emotionless, braindead, overthinking. ive tried it all but it never works or changes anything, i always feel just as horrible about everything.' and i think it sucks to say that that still reigns true. no matter what mindset or tactic i try to adapt its just like nothing can ease whatever is paining me. i cant keep it to myself, cause that hurts so badly, and i cant tell others because then i know it becomes a bigger problem and i never even end up feeling better after, in fact i usually feel worse because i feel like all i ever do is unload onto people, even though thats like totally not true and i actually never tell anyone anything, it just nevertheless feels that way.

do you guys like my shirt

lowkey kinda horrible day. started off feeling weird and being in a mood already, then once my second class hits i was like ready to actually pay attention this time, but i ended up opening twitter and seeing the worst most devastating quotes coming out from an interview with poppy for kerrang. she fucking hates zig, omg all the stuff she was saying about it- like omg i felt so like, omg it was horrible. i know it sounds stupid but i also had a job interview like right after this so i was already nervous, and then just like everything that happened after the fact today just made things so much worse.

also i was like planning on wearing my zig bracelete today, but then this morning i like pick up and look at it and im like, ehh, maybe not. omg biggest fucking mistake after this news came out. like i feel like i just betrayed my favorite album so bad, when it needed that support so desperately and in its time of need it turned to me because i said id always be there, and i wasnt there. they'll never trust or come to me again and i always let everything and everyone down.

(this isnt about the album anymore is it...)

honestly this whole schebanggle just felt like such a gut punch. i get thrown off so easily by the smallest things like idk whats wrong with me hoenstly.

completely unrelated but i love metric so much

feeling a little more here today. there were some good moments, and i can already see the semester being packed, but im lowkey excited still.

lowkey just tryna take it day by day. im operating on a very delicate frequency to try and keep it together this semseter. i started off this year feeling actually different, but habits and outside things are fighting so hard to try and get me back to the state i barely survived being in. im not stupid, im so sure i will probably end up just as ruined as i was last semester, its inevitable, i just hope this time i can go about it better.