#vorfreudevortex

Furlan couldn’t help it, really. Your kind eyes always tried to hazily study his face, always asking how he was and if you could help him with anything. He liked the way your hair reflected the lamplight, and it wasn’t long before your pretty smile started to send aches through his chest as well.

He had brought you a flower from Mitras that he had somehow got his hands on that afternoon. As soon as you caught a bleary glimpse of the bright green stem and felt the soft, velvet petals, you threw your arms around him while gushing your thanks. The next thing he knew, a blushing Furlan was pressing a quick, stolen kiss against your innocent lips. You stared at him with your own flushed cheeks in surprise, and that’s when the door swung open.

Furlan was frozen. As he stared over at a glaring Levi, he swore the black-haired boy’s eyes turned red and steam blew from his ears.

“Furlan…” Levi’s voice came slow, low, and rough. “Let’s go.”

Levi beat the shit out of Furlan in an alley a couple blocks away. You saw the bumps and bruises on Levi’s fists and Furlan’s eye when they returned later, neither making the effort to hide what happened.

And no one ever spoke of it again.

+++++++++++++++

The second time was after the annual military ball you attended with Levi.

Year after year, you were always his plus-one, and he’d help you pick out the prettiest dress and fix your hair just the way you liked it for the big night out. Levi didn’t care for these events, but you looked forward to it every year so you could spend an evening drinking and dancing away in a fancy gown, so he bit back his complaints and let you stay as late as you wanted.

It was deep into the night when Erwin asked him to meet privately about some sensitive information, which Levi reluctantly agreed to after setting the runts from the 104th up to dance and keep you company, promising to never take their eyes off you. You didn’t know about his little ploy, but was delighted to get to know them all and dance with the adorable young men either way.

While Levi was hunched over secret papers and files in Erwin’s dark office, it left an opening for an unassuming, retired Scout by the name of Carlo.

“Excuse me,” The man had tapped on Jean’s shoulder. “May I steal this young lady away from you for a dance?”

Jean’s confident demeanor, which had turned flustered from constantly stepping on your toes during your twirling, suddenly seemed surprised and awkward. So, he gave your hand to the man’s and disappeared. It was a bit uncomfortable for you at first, having a stranger’s hand on your waist as he guided you smoothly around the dance floor, too nervous to protest it all. But, you quickly learned through polite conversation that Carlo was as courteous and respectful as he was brave.

There was a moment where Carlo asked who you came with, and then backed away when he heard Levi’s name. After a rushed explanation of ‘No, we aren’t together’, his hand was back on your waist and your skirt fluttered around his legs as he spun you around. After the dance, Levi was no where to be seen and you didn’t want to admit that you had no idea how to get back to your seat… so Carlo kindly escorted you out to grab some fresh air and a break from the busy, overwhelming noises of the ballroom.

Levi’s heart dropped when he scanned the room and you were no where to be seen. The runts from the 104th had no idea where you went, so he promptly chewed them out and promised a punishment later, and went to scour the halls. He was about to let himself start panicking when he checked the front steps of the Survey Corps Headquarters, where he saw you clutching onto some bastard’s sleeve as he held his elbow out for you.

Your back was facing Levi as he stood in the shadows, allowing himself to read the situation for a moment before lashing out to scold you for disappearing. You weren’t alone with the man, a retired Scout that Levi recognized and had spoken to offhandedly a few times, but surrounded by other drunk soldiers who were smoking and chatting away on the stairs. The two of you made quiet conversation, nothing inappropriate. But, what irked Levi the most was the honeyed smile on your beautiful face and how you slightly leaned into Carlo.

He waited until the conversation lulled, then called out your name. You turned around in surprise, then let a giddy smile replace your expression as you recognized Levi’s familiar voice. He took your arm from Carlo and set off to walk you home, against your protests to stay and dance a bit longer, and while almost completely ignoring the other man.

Levi said nothing about it to you— It was over and done with. It’s not like you were truly his anyways… Until a while later when you mentioned that Carlo had accidentally stumbled into the tavern during your shift, stayed a while to chat, and walked you home. After that, Carlo started coming around the house sometimes.

Well, sometimes turned into more, and more turned into a lot… and a lot turned into all the fucking time.

Levi denied and denied it, never asking about him, and only getting details when you’ bring something up. He just about burst into fucking flames when Carlo showed up at the front door one evening with a large bouquet of your favorite flowers, asking for Levi’s permission to officially court you and take you to Mitras some extravagant, unnecessary dinner.

“I’m not her father,” Levi had responded, trying to stop his eye from twitching and relax his clenched jaw. “She can make her own decisions. I don’t care.”

Levi had to close his eyes and hold his breath the evening you came home from that dinner, gushing about stupid fucking Carlo and more stupid fucking flowers and that stupid fucking meal after he safely dropped you off. He absolutely despised how chivalrous and reverent the guy was— He couldn’t even pinpoint a single inappropriate touch or comment from him, even after all the times he had to suffer through Carlo’s visits to you.

He suffered for weeks. Levi tried to convince himself that it wouldn’t last, that Carlo would break your heart eventually over something idiotic like your lack of sight or status, and he’d get to be to one to comfort you after the heartbreak. He tried to convince himself that Carlo was just a skirt-chasing bastard trying to get under your dress, tried to convince himself that it would all go away in due time…

…But it just got worse.

Levi was beginning to lose his fucking mind. Lying restlessly awake one night as his mind toiled over you, he suddenly realized that if you and Carlo kept on like you were, a marriage proposal was absolutely imminent. It was obvious that Carlo didn’t plan on letting you go anytime soon, that the shithead was just as infatuated with you as he was himself.

Levi had a migraine for two weeks straight, his left eye twitched uncontrollably whenever he thought of either of you— The poor guy even contemplated praying to the Walls about it. He started to get desperate, a strange feeling that Levi hadn’t felt in years.

After being teased by Erwin and Hange about it one day over paperwork, Levi had suddenly had enough. He stomped out of the room, duties still undone, and rushed home. He was over the pining, the yearning, the jealousy, the constant stress.

If Levi had to finally admit his hidden feelings for you after all these years just to get the fucker to disappear, then so be it! He couldn’t take another fucking second of it, ready to wield his blades against Carlo if it came down to it— Anything to never have to see his face again.

When Levi arrived home, he found you sitting in your garden, alone on the bench as the sun disappeared over the walls. He was about to blurt it all out when he noticed the solemn look on your face as you looked on toward the sky.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, Levi,” You greeted him softly, your voice not as excited as usual. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Liar.”

You shuffled uncomfortably. “It’s nothing serious…”

“What happened?” Levi couldn’t hide the small bit of panic in his voice as his mind ran through every possible situation that could have made you upset. His pulse was already racing, the anxiety and nerves making the worry about you worse.

“Well… Carlo…” You began, and Levi’s heart plummeted. “…I don’t think he’ll be coming around anymore.”

“What the hell did he do?” Levi demanded. “Tell me now. That fucker—”

“—It was my doing, Levi. Relax, okay?” He watched your mouth turn into a sheepish smile. “I just got back from dinner with him. It was great, actually it was amazing. But when he dropped me off, he… well… he finally kissed me for the first time.”

Levi’s blood quite literally started to boil and bubble from the innate rage that suddenly coursed through him.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was so romantic…” You rushed to explain. “But, it just felt… odd? I don’t know how to explain it. I didn’t feel a single thing. No butterflies at all.”

Suddenly, Levi’s heart rate was back to normal, and his rage transitioned to quick relief.

“So, I- um… yeah. I ended things with him.”

“…Are you serious?” Levi couldn’t cover the disbelief in his tone. Levi didn’t really believe in luck, but now he’s seriously considered it.

“Of course, Levi!” You scolded with a pout. “And I just feel awful about it! He probably was saving up the courage to kiss me for so long, just for me to break up with him no more than a minute afterwards. I’m terrible, just terrible. I think he’s far more torn up about it than I am, but I just couldn’t help but blurt it all out after realizing that… maybe we weren’t meant to be.”

Levi let out a breathe he had been saving, along with the string of dreaded love confessions he was just about to let tumble out. He quietly sat down on the bench beside you, letting your skin warm his side as you slowly tipped your head over to rest it on his strong shoulder.

“Levi…” You whispered, eyes brimming with tears. “Am I a bad person?”

“No,” He answered promptly, closing his eyes and slowly letting his chin come to rest on your hair. “You did the exact right thing.”

Levi hoped you took his words as a reassurance instead of a sort of… possessiveness or insecurity about the relief of the breakup. You were much smarter than that, though.

You smiled, and neither of you spoke of it again.

+++++++++++++++

The third time was long, long after.

Levi sat on the side of the room, tense hands gripping the armrests of his wheelchair, watching Onyankopon spin and throw you around the floor to the quick beat of the music with his one good eye. Your delighted shrieks and giggles filled the room while the bright red fabric of your skirt flared and fluttered in a mesmerizing blur.

He felt guilty. And alone.

Out of everyone among the crowd in the noisy bar, he was the only one who couldn’t dance with you.

Even after knowing for years how much you loved it, he never spun you around like that, and now he never will. He brought you all the way across the sea to a better, safer life in Marley, where he’d never have to leave you again.

But what was the point if he couldn’t even love and live for you the way he desired? The way you desired?

Levi was quiet for the rest of the night, anxiously picking off the labels from his beer bottles while he watched you take turns dancing with Onyankopon, Falco, and Gabi while the night wore on. It just made it worse, soured his mood further with each song, but he couldn’t stand to look away. The tipsy blush on your cheeks was impossible to ignore, same with the toothy grin that never left your face, and the adorable way you dizzily stumbled after a particularly rowdy dance.

Eventually, the others walked you home, leaving the two of you alone in the new apartment you shared along a quiet street that reminded you just enough of Paradis not to hurt. Scout was waiting by the door when you entered, greeting Levi with a quiet meow and a strong nudge against his foot.

“What’s wrong, Levi?” You asked softly. “I can tell something’s off with you.”

Levi had promised himself to be more candid since you came, refusing to hold anything back from you any longer. He still hesitated for a moment before answering you slowly, still uncomfortable with the vulnerability of it all. “I’m… jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“I can’t dance with you like that.”

Levi watched your eyes turn from curious to sympathetic in the soft light of the new, electric lamp he bought a few months ago in preparation for your immigration here. He was almost a bit embarrassed now, having to admit to something so dehumanizing yet obvious, even though he knew you would always be the most understanding.

“It’s okay, Levi. You don’t need to dance with me to make me happy.”

“I know,” He paused again. “I just wish I would’ve done it before. Back when I could.”

Both of you stopped for a minute, two minds rolling through past memories. Ones of that creaky old house, forest green cloaks, and even back to the musty, dark city under the dirt where it all began.

“Well…” You started cautiously. “We can still dance.”

Levi was about to scoff at you, tell you not to be so naive. He swallowed it as you walked over to the phonograph, gently letting your hands run over the vinyl and feel where to set the needle. It was your first and favorite purchase of your own after moving to Marley, after crying in amazement and joy when you heard the recorded music filter out of Onyankopon’s for the first time.

Quiet, lilting notes flowed from the bronze horn, a slower song you played constantly on sleepy afternoons. Levi never took his eyes away as you delicately sat yourself in his lap, making sure not to put your weight on the spots that make him ache. Your arms hooked around his neck, and your nose buried into the crook of his shoulder.

Immediately, Levi’s hands came to hold the back of your head and body, pulling you in impossibly closer as he breathed in the scent of your hair and the kneaded the plush of your waist.

Levi closed his eyes, letting his senses fill with nothing but the music and you. Your bodies started to lightly sway back and forth to the tune, subtle and calming.

He’s never felt so full before.

There was absolutely nothing more he could ask for as he held you tight, feeling the comforting warmth of your breath against his neck. He listened to you faintly hum along, his heart damn near bursting at the seams at the compassionate way you loved on him.

“We can always dance together, just like we are now,” You whispered in his ear when the song ended, another slow one starting to replace it. “Still jealous?”

Levi pressed his lips against your temple, then let out a long exhale while letting his body fully relax— A foreign feeling that he didn’t start truly experiencing until your arrival in Marley.

“No,” He answered. “Never again.”