My friend Mike (@macntweek) had never seen voltron and I needed someone to scream about season 5 with (as well as an excuse to rewatch the show whoops), so we watched it together. We made a lot of obnoxious commentary, to the point where I got the idea to write it down and then make a shit post about it. Somewhere around season 2 I started writing it down, so you can check out the original post here if you’re curious. Eventually around the end of season 3, our other friend Tyler joined in. Here it is, one giant post of the dumb shit we (mostly Mike and Tyler) said.

~ Season 2 pt. 2 ~

“He just got vored.”

[Keith in Hunk in the stomach of the weblum] “One of them is super into this, I just don’t know which one.”

“hE’S GOT A WHIP TOO??!?!”

“Why’d he look like he was on drugs there?”

Galra dude: You’re not the only one who needs my..special attention. Mike: Pleasant.

“You’re not supposed to play with dead bodies, Pidge.”

“So we got a whole ‘Bane thing’ going on here?” ~later~ “I don’t even know if Bane is the right one.”

[shitting on castle defenses] Me: What defenses?! They don’t do shit. Mike: *imitating Allura* ‘Raise the particle barrier.’

Allura: The particle barrier is severely damaged. Mike: Oh wow

[About the lions, in between fits of laughter] “When they don’t...when they don’t have legs....lion loaves. I love them.

[About to fight Zarkon] “Now is not the time for this but...does Voltron have toes?!” 

“And here they are! The wolf loaves!”  ~a second later~ “Wait not wolves!”

“Alright which lion is the egg layer and which lion is the yogurt maker. And which one’s the pimp.”

[Weird scene where Shiro gets the black bayard via astral projection] Mike: What? *giggling* Me: Do I make the obvious joke? Mike: Go for it. Me: Shiro was inside Zarkon. Mike: I ship it. Me: *silently screaming and with instant regret* No.

~ Season 3 shenanigans ~

Me: I want Lotor to step on me. Mike: *soft but with feeling* Jesus.

Shiro: *screams* Mike: Oh...okay.

“It’s not a floof anymore.”

“I don’t like it. Go back.”

“Is he--is he just out?! Just woke up and was like ‘fuck this shit I’m out’?!”

“I’m just salty about the hair though.”

[Shiro getting attacked by weird squid crab thing] “Quick, use your hand vibrator! Take him out!

“Tentacles.”

“Uh oh, I know where this is going.”

“I want more weird torture.”

“Thank you for helping me find my kink.”

“Space slorped.”

“You know you love the space slorp.”

~ Tyler joins in ~

Mike: Weird foldy boy. Tyler: FOLDY BOY.

Mike: How is she still alive? Tyler: She drinks Quintessence. Mike: Oh. Tyler: Like a slurpee. Mike: Like a slorpee.

Mike: He gets a “special feeling” when he gets vored by his lion.

~ Season 4 ~

Me: *slorps at Shiro* Mike: *slorps in agreement*

Mike: [to Tyler] You want to move to gay with us? Tyler: I’d be gay for...Jason. Me (Jason): Hell yeah.

Tyler: They vored the little bean.

Matt: *something about running something through code decryption software sorry I didn’t catch the actual line*Co Mike, a programmer: Have you tried Base64?

[Matt and Pidge being super close and amazing siblings] Me: I wish I had that. Tyler: A friend?

[Voltron being formed with cardboard boxes] Tyler: Oh no...five nights at freddy’s...

Coran: [to Shiro]...Now put on this super tight shirt and get out there. Mike: YEAH.

Coran: YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF QUITTERS Tyler: *whispering* I thought he was going to say “queers”.

Mike: Voretron.

Tyler: Do you want to form Voretron with me? Mike: Heck yeah.

~ Season 5 shenanigans with Mike and Tyler ~

Me: This season makes me nut.

Tyler: Jason’s kink is season 5. Me: You’re goddamn right.

Shiro: [to Lance] I told you to stay out of this. Mike: The fuck?

Tyler: Ooo she did the spooky batman thing.

Mike: Fist full of frags Tyler: Fist full of vore.

Mike: I don’t think aids face guy is the same. Tyler: Yeah but who is he? Mike: He’s aids face guy.

Tyler: bOY WHY YOU MESSING WITH THEM THEY COULD MUG YOU.

Tyler: TO THE YIFF MOBILE.

Tyler: Is that long sword boy?

Mike: And he was the red boy.

Me: No we don’t need anymore tentacle hentai featuring Shiro. Mike: Are you sure?

Tyler: Tentacle warfare.

Mike: Wetware.

Mike: Bye aids face.

Tyler: Can’t vore the vore master. Mike: Lance is the vore master? Tyler: Yeah.

Mike: I think you’re a little too into the goopy seaweed.

Me: *whispering* I want Lotor to step on me.

Mike: *soft and reassuring, but still completely done with my shit* I know.

Me: Not my Shiro. Mike: Not my Dad. Tyler: NOT MY DAD.

Tyler: Form foottron.

[Sendak on screen] Me: Oh and welcome back to this bitch.

Mike: Sir Thicc-salot.

Tyler: That kind of looks like the...the dead Lotor.

Tyler: I think I know why Shiro and Allura disagree about Lotor. Me: Yeah? Tyler: They want him to step on them. Mike: That’s fair. Me: I feel attacked by this. Tyler: You should.

Tyler: It was vore magic.

Shiro: It’s like...like I’m not myself. [Tyler places his hand on me knee] [I place my hand on top of his] [Full on war erupts. Mike, who is sitting in the middle of us, does not know what to do.]

Post S2 after they find Shiro-

One day everyone is just chilling in the common area and kaltenecker (the space cow) is also chilling with them (they don’t question their life anymore) and keith is just intensely staring at her. And lance is like ‘keith...what...why are you staring at Bessie?’ (lance named her that)

And Keith is like “i don’t understand? How is this possible?? How does the space cow look exactly like shiro???”

And then there is silence. Everyone just looks at the cow and see the black and white combination and the pink nose (shiro’s pink scar) and everything. And then EVERYONE bursts into laughter. They are laughing so hard they are crying. Shiro is trying to not laugh but he too gives in.

Then Lance is like “Shit! Now keith doesn’t have to lead! We have a stand in black paladin in case shiro dares to disappear again!” Cue cow mooing at the perfect time and more laughter.

Pidge and Hunk start discussing whether it is possible for a cow to fly the lion and what changes should they make and stuff and shiro is like ‘if you even touch my lion to make changes you will regret it’.

Next day

Shiro enters the dining room. Bessie is sitting in a modified chair at the place Shiro’s chair is normally placed (no doubt hunk and pidge made that one). Hunk addressing Bessie “Hey Shiro, you want some space juice? Yeah? Here you go” and basically everyone talking to Bessie as Shiro and actual-Shiro is so done. 

Then Allura enters and sees what is happening. Shiro looks at her and thinks now this madness will stop. Allura looks at Hunk who is serving green goop to the cow, “Hey Hunk you mind giving me a plate of it after you serve Shiro? Thank you!” And everyone is low key snickering now and Shiro is super-mega-ulta done.

 And then Coran comes running from the other end screaming INTRUDER and launches a Shiro and puts him is a chokehold and screams “WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE OUR BLACK PALADIN??” 

At this point everybody loses it and starts laughing while shiro just sits and regrets all his life choices.

If training that day was extra hard no one says anything.

As a part of training and bonding all the paladins do trust fall. At one point they become so used to it that catching a teammate randomly doing a trust fall is instinctual. And so someone *cough*lance*cough*  starts doing it when it is very inconvenient for the teammate and then everyone joins in!

Examples: 

When Pidge is carrying a huge amount of robo parts in her hand and lance comes in with a trust fall resulting in screws and small parts EVERYWHERE.

When Shiro is drinking coffee and you know what happen next

When Keith is winning in sparring and Lance decides to be a sour loser

When Lance is flirting with an alien and someone does the trust fall and the alien thinks they are together

No one actually inconveniences Hunk because he is always on guard OR he has food in his hands and literally no one wants to mess that up. (Also because once hunk was carrying engineering equipment and lance tried trust fall and hunk caught him with the equipment still in hand and it hurt so yeah no one want that)

Bonus:

Coran tries his best but sometimes he doesn’t even realize a paladin has fallen on the ground because he is so engrossed in either working or talking.