#kaltenecker

ooc: so I lowkey made this at 1am, don't judge. lmao tho

Operation: Clean the cow

"This is your fault," Keith said, trying to get purple goo out of his hair.

"MY fault?" Lance's voice went high. "YOU said washing a cow would be easy!"

"That was before Kaltenecker rolled in a pile of... what even IS this?" Keith sniffed his glove and immediately wished he hadn't.

"Maybe it's alien fuel. Or space cheese. Could be either, honestly," Lance said. He was covered in the same purple gunk.

"MOO!" Kaltenecker shook herself hard, spraying more purple stuff everywhere.

Both paladins dove behind a crate.

"Okay, new plan," Keith said, peeking out. "We wait for her to fall asleep and then—"

"We are NOT sneaking up on my cow while she sleeps! That's breaking her trust!"

"She's covered in space fuel! She might be dangerous!"

"She's not dangerous, she's just dirty." Lance stood up. "We need a real plan. A strategy."

Keith raised an eyebrow. "You? Strategy?"

"Excuse me, I have LOTS of strategies. I beat Pidge at chess once."

"She was asleep."

"Still counts!"

Kaltenecker mooed again, and Keith swore the cow looked smug. Somehow she'd gotten even dirtier, now with garbage stuck to her head.

"Where is she even FINDING this stuff?" Keith asked.

"I think she's doing it on purpose," Lance whispered. "Look at her."

The cow looked right at Lance and rolled onto her back on purpose, getting even more gross stuff all over herself.

"KALTENECKER, NO!" Lance yelled.

"I'll get the hose," Keith sighed.

Five minutes later, Keith came back with something that barely looked like a hose. It looked more like an alien monster that happened to spray water.

"Where did you find that?" Lance asked nervously.

"Storage. Coran said it's for emergency cleaning."

"Keith. Dude. That thing has teeth."

"They're not teeth, they're... spray nozzles."

"THOSE ARE TEETH."

The hose-thing made a weird gurgling noise.

"Look, do you want to wash the cow or not?" Keith asked.

Lance looked at Kaltenecker. She was now eating space hay while covered in filth. "Fine. But if that thing bites me, I'm telling Shiro."

"Deal."

They walked up to Kaltenecker really slowly, like she might explode.

"Okay girl," Lance said sweetly. "We're just gonna give you a nice bath. Nothing scary—"

Kaltenecker ran.

"GRAB HER!" Keith yelled.

The cow ran left. Keith jumped left and missed. Lance tried to corner her, but she actually JUMPED over a stack of boxes that was taller than Keith.

"SINCE WHEN CAN SHE JUMP?" Keith shouted.

"I'VE BEEN TRAINING HER!" Lance yelled back.

"FOR WHAT? COW OLYMPICS?"

"IT'S CALLED ENRICHMENT!"

Kaltenecker started running in circles around them, leaving purple hoof prints everywhere. The hose in Keith's hands started spraying water in every direction.

"TURN IT OFF!" Lance yelled as water hit him in the face.

"I'M TRYING!" Keith fought with it, but that just made it spray harder.

Kaltenecker saw her chance and ran for the door—which opened right then.

Shiro walked in. "Hey guys, have you seen—"

Kaltenecker, moving super fast for a cow, crashed right into Shiro. She covered him completely in purple goo. Then she jumped over him and ran down the hallway.

Total silence.

Shiro stood in the doorway, dripping purple. His face was blank.

"We can explain," Lance said quietly.

"Can you?" Shiro asked. His voice was scary-calm.

Both boys stayed quiet.

Shiro looked at them. Then at the messy cargo bay. Then back at them.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said slowly. "A very long shower. When I come back, this room will be clean, Kaltenecker will be clean, and we never talk about this again."

"Yes sir," they both said.

Shiro waddled away, leaving purple footprints behind him.

Keith and Lance looked at each other.

"We're so dead," Lance said.

"Super dead," Keith agreed.

"Moo!" echoed from somewhere far away, followed by Pidge screaming.

"We should probably go help," Keith started.

"Yeah."

They ran.